Child came home three days ago with a fancyish paper-wrapped bottle and presented it to me like it was straight from the Fountain of Youth.

It doesn't matter how old they get: slug, preserved rattlesnake head in a jar, cream of tartar, an unsettling amount of human hair, something you hope to God isn't a very squished mouse, wtf!!!!!, it's your kid giving you something and it's automatic, you don't even think about it: "Oh, cool."

I turned it over and admired the pink paper and tried to work out what this bottle was. Shape and size meant drink, greater than two, so I decided to give us a starting point. "So wine?"

He beams at me. "Yes."

This may sound counter-intuitive, but that kind of scared me. You don't live with Child his entire life, shape his mind and go to war over DVDs and crush on the same characters (secretly), negotiate our separate fannish presences and split social media up between us like ancient potentates and have literal hard rules like "Don't bury shit in the backyard before telling me what it is" and "No, you cannot clone me when you grow up, stop collecting my hair and cackling" before age twelve and most recently, "This is my last warning, I will write min ten thousand words of your NOTP, it will be bdsm porn, and I'll blackmail every friend I have to help. I've seen two episodes, I can extrapolate, now GIVE ME THE REMOTE I WANT TO WATCH BRITISH BAKEOFF." and not be aware the simplest explanation is always the most worrying and sometimes, may require poison control, a competent medium, or a local friend who would notice my sudden disappearance on speed dial (Hi lillian13!)

I looked over the pink-papered bottle a little frantically; yep, that was the right shape and size, fuck my life. And he won't. Stop. Smiling. "So--just curious, why did you get me wine?"

"I got us wine, Mommy."

Jesus Christ.

For context: using "Mommy" is the verbal equivalent of a literal summoning spell or a nuclear detonation and by design is guaranteed to elicit my undivided attention. It is only used in two situations: life or death pain and fear ("I think i summoned a demon, mommy." or "I SLAMMED MY ENTIRE HAND IN THE DOOR AND IT IS SWELLING MOMMY." or "I have a fever mommy, my temperature is 98.8.") or to really fuck with my head.

Parenthood is ride or die by design; here we go. "For what?"

"Tradition," he answers so promptly and with so much certainty that for a second, I believed him and wondered how I'd forgotten about the traditional bottle of wine three days before Christmas we did every year, weird, am I right. Then I remembered: uh, we don't. It's so annoying when the manipulation skills you so carefully taught your kid are used against you, but then again, he still carries a grudge for me convincing him for nearly ten years that he always liked spinach (when he was older, I'd sometimes say "spinach from Eurasia" and then he read 1984; yeah, that was cool) and he seriously needs to get over it.

"We don't have a traditional bottle of wine for Christmas," I said, settling back to wait, because it occurred to me he'd been squirrely about his tinder and that shit may need alcohol first.

In general, I don't know and don't want to because dear God no, but as I told him, if he was kidnapped and mutilated by a serial killer or worse, had a really bad date with a guy from south Austin who owns a basement and a lot of anime, would he like the police to start the search with "I have no idea where he was going to go when he left at 6" or "His two o'clock AM check in was that bar on Fifth Street", his choice. So generally, I get a text when he has a dramatic location or group change, because it's not like we didn't both watch all the seasons of Criminal Minds.

The tinder thing however, is specific: if you didn't see my twitter about this a bit back, short version: tinder date at the drag show, he went to talk to the performers after, forgot his date--literally forgot that poor guy at their table--to go party with the drag queens and had a great time. His check in to me was "Kidnapped by drag queens" me "K", then I remembered his date and asked about it and as it turns out, he was surprised to realize he'd had one of those earlier and wasn't entirely sure where he'd been lost.

(Spoiler: There was no second date.)

"We do now," Child tells me, taking the bottle back. "We'll drink it on Christmas night."

At this moment, Child is hanging out with some friends from high school who don't celebrate Christmas so is getting fed an indecent amount of kosher-compliant/halal-compliant/vegan-compliant Chinese food and knows for a fact he doesn't get back into the apartment unless he brings me some too. I also keep looking at the refrigerator, where a pink-paper wrapped bottle of wine waits like a concrete example of the concept of foreshadowing; this shit has haunted me for three days and the worst part is?

It's just a bottle of wine. It means nothing. He just thought it would be funny.

I'm so proud of him.

Happy Insert Winter Holiday of Your Choice!

Christmas Tree In Progress Gains Ribbons!

( christmas tree in progress )

I am almost becoming crafty.

Work internet is acting up again on random sites. I am not amused. But!

Mississippi rejects personhood amendment which, I am saying, when Right to Life and Catholic groups call it extreme, you are probably being goddamn terrifying in your restrictions, and the Ohio limited collective bargaining law has been overturned. So overall, it's a pretty good day.

Six days until the release of Kindle Fire, one week until those with one day shipping from Amazon have it in their hot little hands, one week one day for two day shipping (Yes, I am keeping track). Happy.

Question for British and/or American folks who have ever ordered from Harrods:

In Order Details under status, does GoodsIssue mean they have sent the goods (ie, bears) or something else? I am assuming this is not something I can track online.

I knew there was a very, very good reason I never went to ebay in search of Christmas bears. I'm pretty sure it had somethin to do with epic credit card debt being a high probable outcome, but--

...oh God, the bears.

I dont' see anything wrong, per se, in becoming the Scary Old Bear Lady, I'll be honest. I want to bid on all the bears.

This will end very, very well. For my insanity, anyway.

Question:

Since The Famous Christmas Store may or may not be in Austin anymore (apparently it was supposed to move, and now it's showing somewhere else, but it wasn't there last year and there's still no number and I can't find anyone to confirm....) does anyone have any recommendations on where to look for Christmas ornaments?

Part of my problem is that I bought in groups; half random ornaments and half as parts of color and theme sets. One of these were some gorgeous butterflies that clip onto the tree and others are very specific colors that aren't easily found anywhere else; the rest were Bavarian and Polish glass ornaments that went with everything or I just liked because they were beautiful. I also limited myself to about ten a year, as they were a little expensive and most were the kind I wanted to keep and be able to pass down (or perhaps bury with me, who knows).

Anyway, none of their inventory was, AFAIK, exclusive; I remember that they imported the Bavarian and Polish glass from somewhere, but I don't know where, and I really have no idea how to get those butterflies, since I've amazoned and googled back and forth and can find some like them but not the same. And none were ridiculously luxury-level expensive--we're not talking Waterford and Lenox crystal here (because I have lines and cannot deal paying that much retail; thank God for after-Christmas sales). When I unpack them around Thanksgiving I can post pictures of them to see if anyone has seen anything like them, but for now, anyone recommend where they go for their ornaments? I have seen some pretty ones on Amazon, and Macys and Dillards both usually have a couple I get every year (along with the Dillards Christmas Bear and am I ridiculously excited about that? Yes) but if anyone has any suggestions or places they love, feel free to recommend.

[Have added new Guntz bear to Christas lineup, btw. Actually two by accident--one was a miniature Christmas bear small enough to carry in my purse. The larger will join the slow-growing-more-terrifying bear menagerie as I cement my place as the Crazy Bear Lady Who Seriously Is Getting Crazier. Yes, I know this is going toward Steiff bears really fast, but I'm holding off as long as I can. Still waiting for the 2010 Amazon bear by Gund to be released. That I remember brand names of bears just does not bode well for me.]

... yes, it is pre-Halloween still, but I have to budget now or terrible things will happen to my checking account.

I have:

1.) hooked up the xbox for Child. He is playing Pure, since we need to do a serious rearrangement of the game room to facilitate online play.

( okay, this went off-top )

My fantasy life always involves a shopping spree at Frye's, really. Fabulous vacations and superhot men wearing leather pants only work for me when they're helping me pick a router set-up and murmur hotly in my ear they are master electricians while holding miles of ethernet cable.

2.) The fire truck pedal car is built and awesome. As it turns out, I accidentally picked out a really durable all-metal model with wooden ladders and that sucker will last. Niece 2 and Nephew fought over it and it was glorious. BIL did the assembly becaues he got new tools for Christmas and looked as us all pathetically until we let him have the truck to play with. He was so happy.

3.) Bouncy horse is not assembled. Reluctantly, he and my sister and co went to Christmas with his brother's family, but his toolkit stayed here, in anticipation that we will be overcome by post-Christmas laziness, which is pretty likely.

4.) I got my Mom a Flip Ultra Camcorder and as it turns out, she loves it--we all love it. It's not that I am scared of multifunctional things--see my G1--but seriously, would it kill progress if some things don't require a complete reading of the owner's manual and a training course to use? So far, for ease of use, I'd recommend it--the set up is super fast (set date, set time, set language, and we're off!), it has five buttons, the record button is huge and stuck in the middle, and flip out USB, so the only extra cords needed are if you want to hook it directly to the TV. It comes with batteries, but grab some rechargeables and an adapter and you're done. My dad, who is not either a huge fan of changing technology or one who likes to use it was playing with the Flip as soon as he found an excuse to pry it from Mom's hand. Since his birthday is in March, if he seems to really enjoy it, I can grab him one too.

I'll check the video quality when they're done playing, but honestly, unless it's grainy or impossible to see, I love this. Fact--yes, awesome camcorders that record in 1080i/1080p with digital sound are great, but that shit I am not taking to the beach (water! sand! air! my warranty!) or to visit friends, and if I have to renew my acquaintance with the owner's manual or google for tips on how to make it work every time I pick it up? I am never going to use it. I had a samsung camcorder and learned to hate it in like, a month.

So far, I approve.

The living room is awash with toys and games and books, and everyone's settling to gloat over their stash and share it with others. We're making prime rib sandwiches for lunch if we feel like moving, and no one is taking off their pajamas to save their life. It's a very, very good day.

To everyone who celebrates it, Merry Christmas, and to those who don't, Happy Holidays or have a wonderful day.

I have achieved assembling my Christmas village. It is now the size of a dining room table with a street specifically for public works. I need houses? I have a merchant's street as well. And a park. There is a Paddle Shop. I have never before nearly had to sit down in a public store becuase I wasn't sure I could keep my feet. And a Paddle Lady. Who stands outside! Selling paddles! Also, there are streetlights. A few. And lots of trees.

....so I'm speculating at my rate of buying, I have one more year before I am going to need another table added. I need a cottage, though. I have two farms and a Victoria house, but I think the rest of my people like, live in teh attics of the shops?

Will post pictures of village and bear collection. It is very cool. This year there is a Christmas Moose auxiliary! I have no clue where the moose came from, but them and teh snowmen showed up at some point, so it's--well, I'll be honest, where the hell did I get a moose and snowman auxiliary? And apparently, okay, since 2007 I have had this bunny in a stocking? I have pictures in my LJ! NO ONE KNOWS WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

If they're breeding, wouldn't they breed other bears? *disturbed*

In other news, I'm curious. Gakked from, um, everyone:

If I came with a warning label, what would it say?

Things I Am Not Doing

I do not, per se, resent the UK, so much as Harrods, for having Maxwell, the 2009 Christmas Bear right there, and then charging shipping higher than the price of four bears.

Yes, fine, I am an obsessive Christmas bear person, and I am only ashamed of this when it's not the season of craziness. In scarier news, somehow, it is still more expensive to buy it from ebay. Yes, I did check (in several countries of ebays). I am that kind of a person. svmadelyn promised to find me an appropriate bear in Chicago, but I am just saying, Harrods, why do you hate me? Why?

(He has a friend, Rufus! And a Christmas Westie! A Christmas Westie. Oh my God, that is just cruel.)

See ETA

Things I Am Doing

( Christmas update )

Things I Have Done

Trekfic went to beta last night (and all three four betas do not hate me despite the fact I do not think they signed up for what they ended up with). With the exception of the epilogue, which doesn't do more than wrap up, it's complete. I seriously, seriously cannot believe it's done. I also sent my character notes, because it will make them laugh.

....seriously. Five months. But honestly, I didn't know if I'd ever finish. So you know, that's kind of awesome.

Pony

Still do not have one, but oddly, today, I do not mind.

ETA: Okay, the thing is, it did not occur to me to just ask someone on my flist. I mean, I even asked two people on AIM if they knew anyone going to London. For reasons beyond my understanding, I didn't think to, you know, check with the native residents. I--blame Trek. I am going with that. *blank* Thank you, syllic and clo.

*facepalm* God. This is Spock's fault, I can feel it.

ETA 2:

And someone sent me a pony. *falls over* My lesson for the day? People here are rather awesome.

ETA 3:

Two links from comments that I really feel need to be shared.

feanna shared this. Just--okay, seriously. Check out the dancing bear. And click on teh cellphone. FURTHER INFORMATION FROM FEANNA: The bear is dancing the Macarena here.

ladyholder shared Clash of the Titans trailer. This looks epic. *glee*

The Replacement Bears arrived!

Crazy bear lady. We just all need to accept it now. And also, my camera on my phone sucks.

( three little bears in a row )

Dear Universe (UPS and Amazon.com),

Let me level with you; my job is trying to drive me insane, and by try, I mean, succeeded admirably. I needed something good in my life. They are bears. This bear, and this bear, to be exact.

I ordered bears. One tells stories. Stories! They are soft and fluffy. They'll become friends with the frightening number of Christmas-related bears I already own (does not represent totes number of Christmas bears as of 2008). They were not in fact left at my doorstep no matter what tracking says. There is a distinct lack of irony in my textual voice when I say I will cut a bitch and pop a cap into someone and I really don't care who or in fact how impractical carrying two separate weapons in these jeans would be.

Give me my bears.

With a seething rage that could end a thousand worlds in a fiery apocalypse from which no one will escape,
Seperis

Now here's something that's never happened to me. I can now label my fic under the following concepts; blasphemy-lite, blasphemous, and people-refuse-to-even-read-this-one-for-me-when-I-describe-the-concept. One of them I won't work on at night.

Also, I am betting that no one really ever thought "Death by Boredom" could actually work as a story concept. And don't you wish that had continued to be true? I do.

I have a new bear for my Christms collection and my village is up except for the lights. Wow, I feel accomplished.

I am eating chocolate mint things and trying to justify my existence atm.

Because I keep losing this link.

Have a Very Wookie Christmas. Salon article. Possibly the reason that one day someone will be making an entry here explaining my sudden and lamentable death from asphyxiation.

There's no plot per se, but the show drifts along something like this: It's Life Day on the Wookie planet of Kashyyyk. (Life Day is sort of like Thanksgiving and Chanukah put together, except it's much, much more boring.) Chewbacca's return from his galactic adventures is eagerly awaited by his family -- wife Malla, father Itchy and son Lumpy.

Once again, that's "Itchy" and "Lumpy."

Anyhow, Malla (who I think is supposed to be pretty, but looks a little like Leatherface from "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre"), Itchy and Lil' Lumpy have several in-depth conversations regarding different Wookie-related matters. Of course, since they're speaking Wookie-ese, we can't understand a word.

This nonsensical squawking and squealing goes on for 20 minutes. Thankfully, Art Carney finally shows up and bestows upon the family a "mind evaporator."

Which, come to think of it, actually explains most of the program so far.

Apparently unimpressed with the low caliber of the show's guest-star cameo, Itchy settles down to indulge in a little Wookie porn via a sort of proto-cybersex virtual reality machine. Diahann Carroll appears in his porn finder, purring, "I am your fantasy. I am your pleasure. So enjoy me." Which Itchy -- licking his rubbery lips and shuddering orgasmically -- proceeds (at length) to do.

I love this article so much. My stomach hurts now from the laughing.

So, found camera, found uploading software, and so.

For those who wanted to see, Waffles celebrates Christmas.

( waffles in antlers )

The thing is, I get I spoil my kid.

No, really. I *do*. I try to balance it, but--I mean, he's it for me, it's not like I will ever have another kid. And there's the squee of getting some seriously awesome toys--yes, no kid needs a Playstation and a Gamecube and a freaking Gameboy, but you know, let's say a certain adult in the house really likes Resident Evil, Final Fantasy, and the multitude of Zeldas, okay? And there's nothing on earth as fun as leggos and logs. And hey, so maybe we have the same taste in DVDs and TV shows, so boxed sets are a present the whole family can enjoy! I'm raising him, I figured to make life easy for me, I might as well condition him in the right direction. So you know. Balance.

However. Christmas shopping. I got him a building set and some organizing things from Ikea and a Discovery Zone thing where you grow your own amoebas or whatever, art supplies, and was looking vaguely at the Nintendo Wii thoughtfully, because new Zelda (which can also be found for the Gamecube starting on the 11th, but still), and my mother got him a fairly nice telescope, so I was thinking, hmm, let us be practical this year.

So I ended up getting him a laptop.

*winces*

Okay. My defense is, he's been using my old desktop, which my youngest sister also uses, and she's screwed it up pretty thoroughly. I've gone through and done mass deletions and a few fixes, but it needs a full format and reinstallation. She also goes to really inappropriate sites, and considering I'm a porn writer and saying that, you see why I wince a lot. Inappropriate sharewares, weird chat rooms, places that are kind of guaranteed to wreck your hard drive, and myspace, which I object to because she friends people that scare me. And worse, and this is what gets me, she does not respect the computer. She doesn't clean the cache or even help clean the keyboard, I ended up creating two identities for the computer to keep him from being able to access her stuff, and *that* bottlenecked easy downloading from yahoo games and Disney and other sites if he was logged in. When I first got the desktop, I'd given my mother my old computer, and when I got John, I put the desktop as open to all and used it to centralize the network in the house. After I got Mom a new computer last year, I gave my sister the one Mom was using so she'd stay off the desktop and I could give it exclusively to Child--and then she promptly sold it for twenty-five dollars.

!!!!!

Oh my GOD did that piss me off. I don't sell my computers. I cannibalize them for parts or give them to other people. Wow, I'm still pissed about that now. So I could never move the desktop from my room to his because a.) it runs the network, b.) I don't want her in his room and c.) having to look at it reminds me to clean it out regularly and lets me keep up where she's going so I can block sites if necessary.

So this solution works. It gives him his own computer he can use, it's small enough to fit on his desk, it won't require me to move around the router and the desktop, and when I move his stuff off the desktop, I can format and reinstall with a clear conscience, since I won't have to worry about him losing any of his stuff. And to be fair, it was really inexpensive, since I got it as stripped down as I could so I could pick what software would be installed and frankly, he's *nine*. He doesn't need a graphics gaming card, a DVD burner, or a 120 G harddrive.

But I just really wanted him to have it, too.

But pretty much, I feel like a parent destroying the values of their child. OTOH, Christ, he's going to have *such* an awesome Christmas day.