wookies, wookies, wookies

Because I keep losing this link.

Have a Very Wookie Christmas. Salon article. Possibly the reason that one day someone will be making an entry here explaining my sudden and lamentable death from asphyxiation.

There's no plot per se, but the show drifts along something like this: It's Life Day on the Wookie planet of Kashyyyk. (Life Day is sort of like Thanksgiving and Chanukah put together, except it's much, much more boring.) Chewbacca's return from his galactic adventures is eagerly awaited by his family -- wife Malla, father Itchy and son Lumpy.

Once again, that's "Itchy" and "Lumpy."

Anyhow, Malla (who I think is supposed to be pretty, but looks a little like Leatherface from "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre"), Itchy and Lil' Lumpy have several in-depth conversations regarding different Wookie-related matters. Of course, since they're speaking Wookie-ese, we can't understand a word.

This nonsensical squawking and squealing goes on for 20 minutes. Thankfully, Art Carney finally shows up and bestows upon the family a "mind evaporator."

Which, come to think of it, actually explains most of the program so far.

Apparently unimpressed with the low caliber of the show's guest-star cameo, Itchy settles down to indulge in a little Wookie porn via a sort of proto-cybersex virtual reality machine. Diahann Carroll appears in his porn finder, purring, "I am your fantasy. I am your pleasure. So enjoy me." Which Itchy -- licking his rubbery lips and shuddering orgasmically -- proceeds (at length) to do.

I love this article so much. My stomach hurts now from the laughing.

Comments

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

You know, reading about it is FAR better than actually watching it. I mean, my eyes, my eyes!!!! And then the thing with Harvy Korman...it's just. Oh my. And the Wookie porn goes on forever. And Luke is incredibly orange. Like, he matches his jumpsuit.

It's SO weird.

Malla wears an apron so you can tell she's a girl. And Itchy really is incredibly creepy.

[zelempa.livejournal.com]

Apparently Mark Hammill had just been involved in a motorcycle accident and they were using tons of makeup to try to cover it up.

For the rest of it, there is no excuse.

ALL the parts go on forever. It's not just incoherent and ridiculous; it's BORING.

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

My husband manfully watched it until the end, but he's like that. He's got a collection of Incredibly Strange Music that he actually likes. He and his buddy exchange it, like bad ties or funny t-shirts.

[nafs]

My ex-roommate and her ex-roommates saw a public screening of this once. Apparently the Boba Fett bits are halfway decent, and fairly quickly "Boba Fett! Boba Fettttt!" became the crowd's code for "omg fast-forward!" We still use it today when someone's going on at long, pointless length about something.

[that_mireille]

I remember that special. I was in love with Star Wars in 1978.

[akacat]

Same here. I remember sitting all the way through the special, waiting for something -- *anything* -- in it to make sense.

It wasn't until many years later that I realized that everyone involved in it had to have been higher than a kite.

[ltlj.livejournal.com]

I have a tape of that special, though I've only been able to watch about five minutes of it. So much of it is not even hilariously bad. I saw it when it first aired, and even as a kid, you knew something was very very wrong and it was very very bad. Art Carney. Everything was terrible, the sets were falling apart, and the make-up looked like it had been done by twelve-year olds who went crazy with the blush.

[epeters.livejournal.com]

I think I have a very vague memory of this show.
Thanks for the article. Just what I needed to brighten my Monday!!

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

Oh man, the Star Wars Christmas Special is the nadir of badness. I can't even attempt to do justice to it, although I will say that Carrie Fisher's appearance at the end, drugged out of her mind, will never be forgotten.

No wonder the Empire fell.

[teenygozer.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes. I wish the reviewer was exaggerating, but no. Bea Arthur as the owner of the S'Wars Cantina, Art Carney as a friend of the family and fellow rebel, Dianne Carrol, apparently some sort of futuristic tri-D porn star for non-human humanoids. Mark Hamill being a good sport and all earnest-like for the kiddies he figures are watching;, Harrison Ford laconically wishing he was someplace else as he rolls his eyes and delivers his lines in a flat, nasal voice; and Carrie Fischer, obviously coked to the gills.

I have this on tape somewhere. I have to put it on DVD one of these days.

I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT MAKES GEORGE LUCAS ALL UNCOMFORTUBLES!

More classic films need to be dragged down from the sublime to the ridiculous for cheesy marketing purposes. We need the Casa Blanca Thanksgiving Special: I see it now, taped on atmospheric videotape with Rick's bar as the setting, the premise being that Ilsa and Sam conspire to set up a traditional American Thanksgiving for Rick, so far from home as he is. Nazi hijinks ensue! Or the Robin Hood Easter Special, with Errol Flynn helping the Easter Bunny (low-tech special effect, it's just a guy in a flea-bitten bunny suit) deliver his eggs to all the poor children in Nottingham.

[cpt-untouchable.livejournal.com]

I wheezed over the Salon article, then found the five minute condensed version (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asnVcbWQ2cg) and was horrified into silence.

Dude. The 70s.