i hear bells

Child came home three days ago with a fancyish paper-wrapped bottle and presented it to me like it was straight from the Fountain of Youth.

It doesn't matter how old they get: slug, preserved rattlesnake head in a jar, cream of tartar, an unsettling amount of human hair, something you hope to God isn't a very squished mouse, wtf!!!!!, it's your kid giving you something and it's automatic, you don't even think about it: "Oh, cool."

I turned it over and admired the pink paper and tried to work out what this bottle was. Shape and size meant drink, greater than two, so I decided to give us a starting point. "So wine?"

He beams at me. "Yes."

This may sound counter-intuitive, but that kind of scared me. You don't live with Child his entire life, shape his mind and go to war over DVDs and crush on the same characters (secretly), negotiate our separate fannish presences and split social media up between us like ancient potentates and have literal hard rules like "Don't bury shit in the backyard before telling me what it is" and "No, you cannot clone me when you grow up, stop collecting my hair and cackling" before age twelve and most recently, "This is my last warning, I will write min ten thousand words of your NOTP, it will be bdsm porn, and I'll blackmail every friend I have to help. I've seen two episodes, I can extrapolate, now GIVE ME THE REMOTE I WANT TO WATCH BRITISH BAKEOFF." and not be aware the simplest explanation is always the most worrying and sometimes, may require poison control, a competent medium, or a local friend who would notice my sudden disappearance on speed dial (Hi lillian13!)

I looked over the pink-papered bottle a little frantically; yep, that was the right shape and size, fuck my life. And he won't. Stop. Smiling. "So--just curious, why did you get me wine?"

"I got us wine, Mommy."

Jesus Christ.

For context: using "Mommy" is the verbal equivalent of a literal summoning spell or a nuclear detonation and by design is guaranteed to elicit my undivided attention. It is only used in two situations: life or death pain and fear ("I think i summoned a demon, mommy." or "I SLAMMED MY ENTIRE HAND IN THE DOOR AND IT IS SWELLING MOMMY." or "I have a fever mommy, my temperature is 98.8.") or to really fuck with my head.

Parenthood is ride or die by design; here we go. "For what?"

"Tradition," he answers so promptly and with so much certainty that for a second, I believed him and wondered how I'd forgotten about the traditional bottle of wine three days before Christmas we did every year, weird, am I right. Then I remembered: uh, we don't. It's so annoying when the manipulation skills you so carefully taught your kid are used against you, but then again, he still carries a grudge for me convincing him for nearly ten years that he always liked spinach (when he was older, I'd sometimes say "spinach from Eurasia" and then he read 1984; yeah, that was cool) and he seriously needs to get over it.

"We don't have a traditional bottle of wine for Christmas," I said, settling back to wait, because it occurred to me he'd been squirrely about his tinder and that shit may need alcohol first.

In general, I don't know and don't want to because dear God no, but as I told him, if he was kidnapped and mutilated by a serial killer or worse, had a really bad date with a guy from south Austin who owns a basement and a lot of anime, would he like the police to start the search with "I have no idea where he was going to go when he left at 6" or "His two o'clock AM check in was that bar on Fifth Street", his choice. So generally, I get a text when he has a dramatic location or group change, because it's not like we didn't both watch all the seasons of Criminal Minds.

The tinder thing however, is specific: if you didn't see my twitter about this a bit back, short version: tinder date at the drag show, he went to talk to the performers after, forgot his date--literally forgot that poor guy at their table--to go party with the drag queens and had a great time. His check in to me was "Kidnapped by drag queens" me "K", then I remembered his date and asked about it and as it turns out, he was surprised to realize he'd had one of those earlier and wasn't entirely sure where he'd been lost.

(Spoiler: There was no second date.)

"We do now," Child tells me, taking the bottle back. "We'll drink it on Christmas night."

At this moment, Child is hanging out with some friends from high school who don't celebrate Christmas so is getting fed an indecent amount of kosher-compliant/halal-compliant/vegan-compliant Chinese food and knows for a fact he doesn't get back into the apartment unless he brings me some too. I also keep looking at the refrigerator, where a pink-paper wrapped bottle of wine waits like a concrete example of the concept of foreshadowing; this shit has haunted me for three days and the worst part is?

It's just a bottle of wine. It means nothing. He just thought it would be funny.

I'm so proud of him.

Happy Insert Winter Holiday of Your Choice!

Comments

[raine]

You win at parenting. Congrats - as someone who will forever stand on the sidelines of parenting, I cheer you audibly and enthusiastically.

...just remember, when your child finds someone they want to be with forever, you can always use this as blackmail. Not that I'm suggesting such things. ;-)

[seperis]

I am looking forward to having two sons to do this with, you have no idea. His acclimation process will be so much fun. I bet he'll retaliate and call me 'mom' and I'll be like "THAT TITLE COMES WITH INALIENABLE RIGHTS WHEEE" but by then it'll be too late for him.

[raine]

Heh, I know I totally would in your shoes! :-)

[laurajv]

*chokes*

I estimate about 10 years before my oldest has a fake ID good enough to do this to me.

[seperis]

I told Child he's just about made up for about half the morning sickness. He's still working off the rest.

[out_there]

Oh, I think it's lovy. This is how family traditions / those wonderful stories that you never manage to live down are made.

[seperis]

*g* Exactly.

[sara]

It seems like they're going to be small forever and then they get big and they're funnier than we are. Goddamnit.

[seperis]

I knowwwwwww.

[hopelessheathen57]

>>>>> For context: using "Mommy" is the verbal equivalent of a literal summoning spell or a nuclear detonation and by design is guaranteed to elicit my undivided attention. It is only used in two situations: life or death pain and fear ("I think i summoned a demon, mommy." or "I SLAMMED MY ENTIRE HAND IN THE DOOR AND IT IS SWELLING MOMMY." or "I have a fever mommy, my temperature is 98.8.") or to really fuck with my head.


Aha ha ha ha, this is beautifully described, and true in my family as well.

[seperis]

Aha ha ha ha, this is beautifully described, and true in my family as well.

It's like a dog whistle; when he was little, he could be in another room and in theory I shouldn't be able to hear, but that word? Oh, I"d hear it.

[zippitgood]

Oh man. You win at parenting for sure.

I can only hope to be as good as you when I have children.

[seperis]

My major goal was 'does not fit any diagnostic criteria in Cluster B in the DSM' and I'm glad to say he does not. Win!

[green_grrl]

I had forgotten how much I love reading stories about Child on my droll. Best present from the tumblr implosion yet!

[seperis]

Thank you!

[toujours_nigel]

Child is superb, and you are very chill about this. Doing this to my mother would lead to interrogation and/or pointed indifference.

[seperis]

Thank you! And yeah, mine too.

[domarzione]

That's amazing and lovely and I'm both super-envious and a little trying not to cry. (My mom died a long, long time ago on a Christmas Eve.)

Child has turned out well. On many fronts, but even if this started in his mind as a pointed reminder that he's 21 now.... he started it. With you. At a point where he is fully independent, more or less. May it last a good long while and may you expand on this tradition. Hopefully not in the "so you thought last year's was undrinkable, wait until you see this..." way, but perhaps so. It would not be the weirdest thing you two got up to.

[ruric]

I'd not realised how much I missed reading about Child and your adventures in parenting (which you win, hands down)! Lovely to see him make re-appearance and so good to know he's taken on board (and now excels) at the skills you taught him! :)

[stultiloquentia]

I love your storytelling.

[beachlass]

Such a great story!

I have my eldest, now 26, staying with me this week, and I am absolutely loving being the mom of hilarious twenty somethings.

[cat_77]

My Eldest & Spouse picked up sake for him, vodka for me, & whisky for Spouse, causing me to have a major disconnect as Eldest literally just turned 21. Enter the 19 year old Youngest on leave from college. Eldest pours him far more sake than is customary, watches him down it faster than the rest of us with ours, and then he proceeds to build a fricken robot he opened as an early present.

I told him I had to admit I was a little surprised. His response was that he goes to school in Wisconsin.

[dine]

I have so missed your accounts of life with Child. It's great to see he's just amazing as always, now with alcoholic pranking

[azurelunatic]

Your kid sounds fantastic.

[lillian13]

I have Child's phone number--trust me, he's the first one I'd call if you disappeared....

Was it good wine?

[felinejumper]

this made me laugh SO MUCH, your storytelling (and parenting!!) is extremely charming. As someone else said, this is a GREAT gift from the tumblr implosion

[amalthia]

lol, sounds like the start of a fun new tradition.