I've talked about how I have to do mandatory playlist updates to avoid the most terrible of all problems for someone who uses music like recreational drugs to get a good high; too long, my ear and taste harden and it gets hard to get into anything new.

The first and best way is going on a vid-watching kick in any fandom I'm vaguely conversant with or involves hot people and if possible, leather. Fanvidders are revolutionaries when it comes to this; they can and have taken a song I thought I hated, created a visual storyline and theme for it, and suddenly it works for me; I understand it. This also has the benefit of expanding that liking into all music like it, which is why I have an Amazon Unlimited Subscription to avoid dying in poverty surrounded by terabyte of music files.

The second and chancier way is to use TV shows that have someone on staff who has at least a vague inkling--not understanding, they're not fanvidders and so I have to lower my expectations appropriately, just an inkling--that it's just not just combining music with pretty moving pictures.

(I mean, you're not going to get a sisabet level piece of masterclass art here. I don't expect them to be able to vid Brian Kinney and the cast of Queer as Folk's season three plotline to "Whiskey for my men and beer for my horses" and convince you it's the only song that could possibly fit plotline and theme. If you haven't seen season three Queer as Folk or know who Brian Kinney is, you cannot appreciate how terrifyingly sincere I am when I say that.

Unrelated: is there a word that encompasses the concept of 'stockholm syndrome' but with vidders? Just curious.)

However. It does work. Sometimes. So the playlist below is mostly the result of multiple Bones marathons, the latest season of Lucifer and Another Life. Oh, and apparently Hawaii 5-0.

( music! )

I'm going to tell you now; this is going to be the most boring post you can imagine. Just warning you; if you're out of valium, keep reading, I'm here for you.

I'm about to do my semi-annual update of my Pandora playlists, which is always fraught and weird, because in general, I have to make a new playlist entirely and that means starting with a new base. Eventually, each playlist hardens, and I may love most of the songs there now, for reasons every new song they play on one of those I will now hate.

So: new playlist, new base, and the old way--not efficient--was to go through my bought music (and...not so very bought), find the ones that combine showing up on mulitple writing playlists, grab the last five I downloaded from my Amazon subscription, and create the base from those. In general, this meant Pandora would get me new music that matched my taste, but burnout still happened; eventually, it would harden and stop giving me anything.

Which makes no sense: this is a meticulously self-curated list by me combined with an algorithm by experience I know works. And yet, the hardening, every time. Which means I have to retire a playlist--not delete--for a while before I can listen it for anything but long walks.

But here's the thing: about two thirds of the songs I don't like as it turns out I love and will die for, but not if I hear them on one of those playlists. I have to hear them somewhere else.

Examples: I hated Mumford and Sons, every song, and yet, at this moment, I have the better part of an album of them and the gold standard is four songs from an artist. Same with Florence and the Machine, Broods, Metric, Imagine Dragons, Andrew McMahon: all of them, at one time or another, got thumb-the-fuck-down in Pandora--I checked this--until I heard them in a different context. Vids are a really good way but a goddamn trailer or commercial or in a store or the mall or while surfing youtube when I am bored enough to hate myself.

There are some obvious explanations--vidding, for example, is a translation, and some songs just work by association even if they're not generally to my taste. Which I think is the explanation: for reasons unclear, this song is outside my hardened playlist, and that means my taste has hardened unacceptably and it's time for a full reboot.

This is why the playlist update has to happen, no exceptions. Hardened taste atrophies your ear; you only hear noise. That way ends with hating everything not made after 1979 or 1989 (...please tell me those people don't exist) or 1999, pick a year. Which is ridiculous because who the fuck wants to miss My Chemical Romance and the Dixie Chicks and Beyonce, are you crazy? It blows my mind; no, I don't love everything in the top one hundred, but I never loved everything in the top 100, but I guarantee you thirty I won't mind listening to, ten I like and one I will love. I honestly have yet to find a genre I hate; I may not love it, but there is always several that I like, and one thing I love.

You know that feeling you get with some songs; it's like getting a hard hit of something seriously good and likely illegal except it's better. It almost hurts; you put it on repeat one and play it forever, you hear it when you're going to sleep, your walk matches the beat. No song can do it forever, but that's the point; if I want it, I have to chase it.

It's not just music, though; it's everywhere, but it's not something you get sitting still; you have to chase it and sometimes, you have to be willing to run. It's when I'm coding and suddenly, all the pieces come together and I compile and run and it's perfect; when I'm writing and the words I was fighting flow together and become a scene, a story; when I read something--it can be the whole book, a page, a paragraph, a single line, and it stops me short because I forgot to breathe; a speech I heard once did it, that was weird; when I was lead in two plays, and the second one, at the end, everyone stood up; every basketball game I ever played and the time I got second in the four hundred that I didn't even know I was supposed to run and I almost blacked out when I reached the finish line.

Like, for that second, I get what it must have been like at the cusp of Creation, the vastness of infinite nothing. One command, given to infinity, and the first light to exist illuminated the universe in the form of newborn stars across an infant universe; this is everything. What a fucking rush.

The universe is in infinite expansion and everything is out there and we have so little time; you can't stop, not for a second. You're going to have to chase it down, and sometimes, you're going to have to run.

It's 72 F in Texas, after hitting a boggling 17 F a week ago, which I get is nothing compared to the Deep South and Northern US, but was in a word freaky.

( To clarify )

Reading about Atlanta and Nashville and Winnipeg (aka, The Place That Got Colder Than Fucking Mars, Holy Shit) and checking in with friends in New York and Chicago (IM: "TELL ME IF YOU ARE A POPCICLE PLEASE"). Luckily, cousins around the country checked in with various relatives--some for the first time in about a decade--to announce they were still alive and give us a narrative of their lives and times, so apparently the Polar Vortex brought family together. I honestly had no idea some of my great-aunts and uncles were still alive, or that they knew who we even were, since the last conversation I remember having with them was about thirty years ago at my paternal grandfather's funeral. They are all well and my, it's cold.

Work

At the moment, not much, but that changes as of these coming weeks. We're doing an Oracle update, which means a full--and I do mean full--regression of all functionality, which includes SQL queries for database functionality, which as I foolishly learned SQL, I may also be called in for that. One of the big problems that came up during downtime was database mismatching, which is kind of the nightmare scenario for testing.

( very boring work minutia )

Learning SQL seems to have been a mistake; now I know enough to worry about a whole host of new things and how they can go tragically wrong.

Music

Because I need to cheer myself up. These are exclusively by way of Pandora, because I ended up buying a subscription and now wonder how I lived without it. And so revoltingly easy to buy a track when you really like it. Damn them.

Sooner or Later, Matt Kearney - he seems to be growing on me, no idea why. Maybe it's the striped shirt?

Wrecking Ball, Miley Cyrus - Dude, judge away. I can't even tell why I like this one, but it got into my work playlist somehow. Goddamn Pandora.

End of All Time, Stars of Track and Field - Okay, I forgive Pandora everything; I love this song. It drew me in a week before Christmas and went onto my home playlist for regular melancholy brooding at the stars and whatnot.

What a Shame, Shinedown - I think they're officially hitting critical on the number of tracks to qualify as a favorite band. The only thing that makes sense is that I need a harder rock presence in my life or something to leaven out the alt. I have no idea.

Face Down, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Another Pandora find. It's definitely not subtle, but the beat is seriously awesome.

Show Me What I'm Looking For, Carolina Liar - I love them. I love them.

I Lived, OneRepublic - So continues my shocking descent into loving OneRepublic. It only took like, ten years?

For no reason, I suddenly hated my tag organization in DW, so that's been kind of changed around. I wish I could say there was logic and thought put into this, but can't lie, I was bored and they suddenly offended my aesthetics. No idea why. Now they flagrantly don't match LJ instead of kind of not matching.

Music

Music shopping, random style.

I'm waiting to hit the phase of my life where All the Music These Days Suck For [Reasons] and When I Was Younger [Something Here] but let's keep in mind my initial exposure to popular music was pre-modern country (majority before 1980s, very old jukebox, and waltzes, people. I listened to waltzes. I can still sing some of them) and the eighties hair bands--I mean, I was already at rock bottom here.

All links to youtube, sometimes official vid, sometimes not.

The Wrong One, One Less Reason, A Guide to Writhing - I was not at all influenced by Te's SV story The Wrong One, but I won't say the song name didn't get my attention because of that. I like this band like a lot--it was half my playlist for War Games, and this isn't necessarily a change of style, but I didn't expect the sound on this one. It worried me about the lack of obsessive possession a third of the way through but luckily, the lyrics relieved me by dipping during the bridge into CREEPY SOFTNESS before hitting my personal idtastic SO VERY OBSESSED HERE THIS ENDS BADLY FOR SOMEONE.

Uneasy, One Less Reason, A Guide to Writhing - this is probably my favorite off this album, and probably the most subtle they've done. The melody is beautiful, and Cris Brown's voice does things to me. It's so sincere and broken, and this song is utterly, utterly heartwrenching.

All Beauty Fades, One Less Reason, A Guide to Writhing - Okay, this is due to hating to buy in even numbers. Sue me. I also think I'll like this one a lot once I listen to it a few times. This happens more than you think.

Alone Together, Fall Out Boy, Save Rock and Roll - I do not willingly admit they actually have a space on at least five of my regular playlists, except I'm doing that now. Also, funny story:

The chorus on this is ridic singable, and it kind of requires you break out in misheard lyrics when the drums hit like the fist of a god with an appreciation of dramatic timing. Now, for the record, in general, I rarely feel any deep need to share music with my coworkers, but for some reason, I was trying to get P to listen and my lead wandered over, and long story short, P hated it, but a small gathering of testers cooped my headphones to listen to Patrick singing "Say yes" with all his little heart, including my duckling and another duckling who both looked utterly enchanted there was a discography to explore. I honest to God have no idea what they'll make of From Under the Cork Tree, but dude, I gotta find out.

Actual conversation:
Lead: So they're on tour now?
Me: Yes. *opens conveniently bookmarked website* In Texas, even.
Lead: My niece...
Me: No excuse needed, promise.
Lead: *looks relieved* Email me their site?

Pieces, Red, End of Silence - Blame that damn Adventure Time vid. It just sticks with me forever.

Midnight City, M83, Remix EP - the weird part is, I wouldn't have remembered this was the song I was looking for if it wasn't for teh sheer WTF of teh album cover. Helped so much. I swear there's this vague Depeche Mode resemblance in the voices, or maybe Placebo. IDK.

Stay, Rihanna, Unapologetic - I love Rihanna's voice so much it hurts, and this song just--I repeat-one on it more than I can actually explain with words.

Just Give Me a Reason, Pink, The Truth About Love - I love Pink. Plus, highly catchy.

I am one with my total enslavement to the music industry. I'm okay with that. You try freshman year at a liberal arts school and living in Austin, home of SXSW; I spent more weekends than I will ever admit getting quietly drunk while listening to people with mostly tuned guitars wail in tiny live clubs while visibly stoned or, much worse, straight-edging to the point that dropping acid in front of them was like, a life's dream. Every lecture on the superiority of Indy music and sellouts, I want to sign my check over to the RIAA for their top one thousand just on principle.

Hall of Fame by The Script with will.i.am - my new favorite song, and strangely enough, a music vid not by fandom that brings something to the table in interpretation and meaning all on it's own. I expected something a lot more GLAMOUR SUPERSTAR whatever; I got something far, far better.

Special note: I dare you not to get tears in your eyes when she stops, closes her eyes, and touches the speaker so she can feel the rhythm with her body. Just. Awesome.

Its' also, in itself, a fantastic song, in the family of You Gotta Be by Des'ree where they just make you feel like you could save the world before breakfast. I am actually making a playlist for this; sometimes, you just need to hear a lot of songs about how you are awesome.

IF ANYONE VIDS THIS SONG, IN ANY FANDOM, EMAIL ME. I would love to see this one go into common use. Well, and some Des'ree wouldn't hurt either.

I am exhausted from life, hence music to sooth the savage beast. So listening to now.

Let Her Go by passEnger - this didn't work for me until third listen when I got hard hooked by the lyrics. Give it three listens and if you aren't singing along the refrain, I will be very surprised.

Will Someday Change by Our Lady Peace - this is a drink alone in the dark in the rain after your dog got run over kind of song. No, really. I love it, but keep in mind I have a playlist called "cut your wrists". I collect songs like this. Very low key, very gorgeous, and very melancholy.

Be Somebody by Thousand Foot Krutch - I'd almost set this in bookends to Hall of Fame; different genre, different style, relationship-oriented rather than life-oriented, but despite the feel of it at the beginning, this is actually pretty positive. Definitely writing music.

Give Your Heart a Break by Demi Lovato - if the radio hasn't brainwashed you yet, I'd love to know how you escaped. It's freakishly bouncy and lyric automemorization means some people may be singing along in their office or bouncing down along the cubicle to the beat. Not that I know anything about that.

Cumbersome by Seven Mary Three - I originally listened to this and would have sworn it was Collective Soul. It's not, but if you like them, this will really, really work for you.

Hard to Love by Lee Brice - to round this out, country genre, and so freaking addictive I was muttering the chorus in one listen. It's just like that.

Breathe by Angel and Airways - also responsible for the song for the HP Neville video of awesome. Honestly, first listen it was okay but nothing to write home about; second, it worked much better.

I have very long been desperately trying to get away from iTunes, with its fairly regular crashes, random acts of destroying the xml file, unexpectedly changing the location of my music folder, which is like, the last straw because I am freaking anal about my organizational structure. Not to overstate the case, but I'd be less freaked out by someone stealing my underwear than moving files on my laptop somewhere they should not be. The first time that happened, I had not yet quite reached my current neurotic level, so I could deal, but the last time (which included the horror of actual deletion and having to restore from backups, which I can't even talk about, as I remember very little due to the mind protecting itself from that level of truly epic anal retentive violation), I told myself firmly this shit had to stop.

( you might call this a journey or a revelation or whatever, it was musically life changing )

Recycling Tip from gmail: You can make a lovely hat out of previously-used aluminum foil.

Every time I try to imagine life without gmail, I kind of twitch; no where else on the net freebases me spam recipes, literally. I don't even like spam (the food or the email), but it's just comforting to know that someone, somewhere, really did think Spam Jello Salad was a good idea. It wasn't, but still. Human imagination. Terrifying.

The first week of testing didn't formally start working until much later in the week due to testing things that aren't working, environmental failures, etc; you may not know this about me, but when something starts cascading in its failures--literally, me and K started competitive filing of defects--I hit a state of mind not unlike giddy, where I wandered through the cubicles whistling Taps (I have been told my whistling could wake the dead with its piercing quality) and singing Billy Joel, because We Didn't Start the Fire is so appropriate at that moment (we didn't REM until early afternoon when we started getting server errors). A developer and I did a high-five in my boss's cubicle when we got the very mother of defects; we lost all our web services.

(For the record: I hate web services. Everyone uses them, and they are just evil. One code problem there takes everything down like a house of very unstable cards. I mean, they are cards made of jello, that's where this is going. It works badly even in the ideal.)

Music

Currently checking my top five and then my last twenty-five (nothing like iTunes for useless statistics to stare at blankly), I notice two key points; one, even if I was amnesiac abruptly, I would know I'm writing, because nothing says your creativity is awake like a mix of Pucifer, Switchfoot, Gregorian Chant, Dido, and the complete Linkin Park (don't ask). To be fair, thirty percent of my musical choices come from what vids I've been watching--that is how I ended up with a Dido album once upon a time, not to mention Britney Spears--but even that cannot excuse how Michael Bolton made my top fifty in a surprisingly shoot to the top of the charts. Fucking Jack Sparrow is screwing my stats.

Most recently, for various reasons, music purchases of the past month or two:

Scars and Stories, The Fray - to say I am beyond irritated is to understate the case. I like one song on here, and can listen to three without being overly annoyed, but Jesus, I was at eighty percent on their earlier albums and I bought their live tracks just to complement it. In general, I do not have those kinds of odds with any band, so I find it more than a little unsettling that this album isn't clicking. But I am grimly determined to learn to like it. The Fighter so far is my only repeater, and not that dramatically.

Trekka, Pucifer, V is for Vagina - they continue to be the band that I literally hate all of their music, then one day they come up and I listen and no matter how much I hate the song, I suddenly love it and need it like air. Yes, I do mean this is vidding's fault. Goddamn it. I did a twenty-five repeat and feel like I may or may not have had some kind of quasi-religious experience, but oh, so worth it. You know, when I stopped mourning the fact I will never have a universe beneath my heel while I gleefully conquer plants and blow up anything that doesn't bow to my will. It's that kind of a song.

The Unforgiven, Gregorian chant, Masters of the Chant V - not easy to find, but svmadelyn sent it to me so I wouldn't break into hysterics when I realized both iTunes and Amazon were failing me. Yes, vidder fandom, damn you all. Seven minutes and it's on one hundred repeats. The math is scary. The thing is, I like Metallica's original, but there's something just beyond unsettling about the translation into chant. This holds true with a lot of their famous covers, to be honest; I still feel deeply uncomfortable with the Bad Romance one. It should be funny; mostly, it feels vaguely dangerous, and makes me really wonder about monastic orders. Just saying.

Recommended: these two cut with Linkin Park. Very something. I'm not sure what.

Empty, Neverbetter, Still Feels Like You're Here - the best I can figure from my Genius six degrees, this is because of Theory of a Deadman and Absence of Concern (and 10 Years and 32 Leaves). Apparently, they're in the same family of semi-generic post-grunge return to no way is this classic Rock; it's more Rock that got its heart broken by emo and is using its guitar to express its pain in ways not necessarily compatible with the chords they're expressing, but. Unlike One Less Reason (Someday, let me show your lifeless body locked in my closet when you try to leave me because I love you too much), I'm not vaguely worried about anyone cutting their wrists with their guitar strings, so I can nod along and enjoy the not-emo. Also, I like this one.

Dare You to Move, Switchfoot, The Best Yet - this just makes me happy, mostly. Yes, vid fandom, this one I am happy to listen to like a lot, and not worried when I want to start breaking guitars with a whiskey glass because I don't have any eyeliner left to cry into smudges.

Jack Sparrow, The Lonely Island featuring Michael Bolton, Turtleneck and Chain - it is possible that this may be the greatest song in the history of vocal music. It has Jack Sparrow and Scarface. I mean, where do you go after that?

Any musical interludes to report? I need more now.

So norabombay is responsible for my next credit card statement due to overuse of Amazon and iTunes because in a fit of what I thought was sympathy post-Sherlock, she introduced me to Grosse Pointe Blank since I hadn't seen it (don't judge), and I'm happier, but also, poorer trying to get the soundtrack by piecemeal since it's not downloadable as a whole and where is Blister 2000 anyway?

That I'm listening to Guns N'Roses Live and Let Die with no sense of irony hurts me dreadfully. Then again, I get to hum happily to myself whenever there is shooting, and there is a truly satisfactory amount of shooting. Happy.

ETA: This movie isn't on bluray? What kind of sick world do we live in?

PS: Okay, that's it, this is a night of Steve Wariner music and pre-ordering The Fray's new album. Between Sherlock and the vast betrayal of bluray technology, I really have no choice. And I'm downloading the two singles now. That is where I am. Even though I am not sure The Fighter really expresses my pain sufficiently. Or Heartbeat.

Music. As I am supposed to be wrapping presents and that's totally not happening.

I know, it's been a musical month. It's just--okay, I have, like, healthy ways of dealing with stress and I have the ones that got me a mandatory psychiatric evaluation in my late teens and early twenties and permanent scarring. To say the last few months have been bad is to understate the case. I can't tell if it's getting better, but it's good right now, and this is part of the reason why.

[The irony of clinical depression; it goes away eventually. At least for me, it always eventually clears. But that really doesn't mean much when you know it will come back, no pattern, no meaning, no timing, no warning. So I take what I can get.]

Today's theme is singing; what, you say you can't sing? Why on earth do you care? Music is how we connect not only with each other, but with ourselves, and nothing internalizes it faster than singing along, feeling the shape of each word on your tongue as the melody fills your mind, hear your own voice giddy and breathless and dizzying as the music settles shivering beneath your skin and in your body memory. Every time you hear it after that, your body will remember it, a heady rush of glittering pleasure, meaning, joy.

It's you and the music; bring it. If someone doesn't like it, they can go away. It's not about them, so fuck 'em. I'll buy them earplugs myself if they're being a dick.

All links to youtube.

My Chemical Romance - Sing

[Note: I need to watch this video.]

I listened only half-heartedly the first time, immersed in Summertime since I haven't done an end to end with the album yet. Hello, what the fuck was I thinking not listening straight through?

I bend toward the less perky side of the musical force; my happy playlist is fifteen songs and it's every happy song I have that I don't hate or isn't R&B. If it's perky, it's something I dance to, not listen to or write to. But I think I could write to this, if I could stop rocking out with the two year olds around the Christmas tree to it.

There's also, like in lit, a strong bend toward the idea of positive emotion being a little beneath us all, which is really easy to internalize to the point where anything with a spark of something other than cutting yourself with your meth kit razors is like, shallow and shit. But oh, this one, this one I feel; this is catchy and dizzy and ecstatic with a high, sharp fast build that rushes like a hit of ecstacy, and I so do not care if Gerard totally judges my musical choices, I'm going hoarse from this one.

Instructions: Turn on your speakers to the highest legal decibel you won't get arrested for, hit repeat-one, and play this until you lose your voice. If you don't come out of that high out of your mind, do it a few more times. You'll get there. And move for God's sake.

Fefe Dobson - Don't Let It Go To Your Head

This is the easiest memorization since Meredith Brooks' Bitch; the chorus will have you in three listens. Everything about reluctantly falling in love with someone in a good way, shocked at yourself, at them, at how wonderful they are and you can't even believe you're feeling like this, how you never thought you'd feel like this again and oh my God, this is just amazing.

It's like that.

Instructions: headphones, middle range, effervescent joy you have to dance to. Parking lots are perfect, but the mall escalator works too. Just don't bounce yourself off mid-way down.

Kurt Nielsen - She's So High

He thinks her awesome is legion, and this song makes me believe it. Chorus is perfect and any songwriter who can work in Cleopatra and Joan of Arc into a love song wins forever. Picks up even more after the first chorus.

Instructions: mellow, sway a little, smile when you sing it; you really won't be able to help yourself. Speakers recommended.

Train - Drops of Jupiter

If you were never obsessed with this song, we need to fix that right now; email me and I'll send you it, because seriously. From the slow, sweetly lilting beginning to the rich build to a sharp, giddy crescendo before it brings you back down in a glittery sweep, it's the perfect goddamn song, but what gets to me every time is the lyrics.

Conscious memorization; I worked to get this one down, every ridiculous, genius word of it, because all of us have watched someone we love go through a sharp, startling change and wonder if we'll be left behind. This is all the reasons we won't be.

Instructions: just don't blow out your eardrums, okay? And do 2:23 through 3:00 in one breath. Imaginary microphones are a plus, but hell, do it with a real one. And yes, you damn well should dance across the Milky Way when it says to.

The Beatles - Come Together

[Note: holy shit, does Paul have a mullet?]

The rhythm is what sets this one apart; it's really hard to get off-beat when it's pounding in your blood, and also, yeah, we've all heard it in commercials forever. Commercials do not do it justice. I can't even tell what it's about even singing it; I so do not care.

Instructions: in the car, mid-bass. Possibly while stoned out of your mind. Er, don't drive, though.

The Beatles - We Can Work It Out

Oh please; this is my glee zone. It's not just the video, though yeah, I forever associate it with John and Paul on the cusp of getting murdered while giggling like tween girls, but it's a contrast song. I read a review of it that quoted John on how Paul talks about a fight but how everything will be fine and John comes in with "and also, we could die, you know" and it's kind of hysterical to feel the shift, not quite of mood, but of resonance. Catchy pop meets introspection meets hope springs eternal.

Instructions: put youtube on the largest screen in the house and rock out while watching John tripping his ass off and Paul carry on like a girl with a crush.

Snow Patrol - If There's a Rocket, Tie Me To It

The anticipatory build, in general, didn't tell me anything interesting about this song the first time I heard it, and I pretty much tuned it out until svmadelyn commented on some seriously vivid imagery early on. I gave it another try and this time listened, and oh, I got to the staccato build leading into the chorus, which is about fire and fuck yeah.

You get there, there's no turning back; you'll feel this one everywhere, in your pulse and your teeth and your feet.

Instructions: headphones or stereo, but seriously, bring it anytime they say fire. It feels amazing. Stay standing. Twirl around a little; no, not by the coffee table, move that first. There we go.

Emm Garner - Synchronic

[Note: can't find this one on youtube. dammit.]

Okay, let's go a little mellower. Smooth and gorgeous lyricism, the celebration of the best parts of a former relationship, the things that you loved about them and still do. This is the good parts you never want to forget. It's a quieter alternative to Drops of Jupiter; even if they're gone, when the bruises heal, it was still amazing and you don't regret a thing.

Instructions: lighten the bass, raise the treble just a little, and relax. Excellent post-Sing to calm a little and rest your voice.

Fallout Boy - Sugar, We're Going Down

In some universe three over or so, I never heard this song and that's a sad, sad universe indeed. If you can sit still on the downbeat, I am completely shocked. Like a musical assault, they throw everything at you at once, and I'm pretty sure maybe this is about a breakup or something, w/e, I'm in it for the loaded God complex, cock it and pull it, as loudly as I can sing it.

Instructions: Up your bass, not really a moving song so much as a jumping song. Funnier on headphones, perfect for late afternoons. Wear a hoodie. Borrow one if you have to.

Jordin Sparks - Battlefield

I love pop with a nice, clear theme, chorus, and a good beat so I can go autopilot. All's fair in love and war, this is so ridiculously catchy I automemorized in one listen. It's ridiculously fun.

Instructions: on the stereo with a group of friends. They only need a listen or two to join in. It's totally like a battlefield.

Des'ree - You Gotta Be

If there was ever a song to wrap up everything humanity will ever be in a good way, this one is it. Not a lot of variation in melody line, but the lyrics don't need it, and the chorus bounds along like the happiest puppy of human growth and change in the universe.

Instructions: stereo please, and see if you can get the chorus in one breath. You feel it yet? Do it again; you will.

Eminem - Lose Yourself

I like the speed of time running by too fast to catch, desperation, and something I can feel in my calves when the bass is right, and the slow and inevitable build going faster every second that passes, until you're already pounding the floor and can't walk the next day because your hamstrings are too tight.

Lyrically, this one makes me weirdly self-conscious; it's almost too exposing for someone who grew up very working class and just barely hanging on to that (thanks, Reagan). The chorus is okay, but that's not why this one goes on rotation when I need to burn out some energy; it's the quickly growing desperation, the need for more, the realization that something has to change because you can't keep going on like this, and you can't fail, you can't; there's no choice left worth making.

Instructions: fuck the neighbors. Blast this one until you can't remember what silence feels like.

REM - It's the End of the World

There's the first time you get all the words out, half-suffocated and dazed and panting and dizzy-high, possibly from oxygen deprivation, but whatever, remember that? Yeah. Do it again.

Instructions: stereo totally, out loud and competitive, best in groups, hilarious in masses, and if you aren't dancing, why?

Honorable Mentions

[Note: will add links.]

This got really long, didn't it?

Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire - doubles as an excellent American history twentieth century cheat sheet. Pick up the urgency at the end of each stanza and run with it.

Alanis Morrisette - You Outta Know - well, who hasn't put their headphones on and shouted remembering the feel of skin beneath their fingernails? If you have to have a bad breakup, you should get vent it. At the top of your lungs, even.

Carbon Leaf - What About Everything? - bop along with the world.

Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice - it's okay to be mad; it's also okay not to get over it. Sing it until you believe it.

Pink - Cuz I Can - fuck yes. You may need new speakers afterward.

Journey - Don't Stop Believing, Bon Jovi - Blaze of Glory, Bruce Springsteen - War, Meat Loaf - I'd Do Anything For Love, Dobie Gray - Drift Away -- go rock out already. You know you want to.

Until Christmas, work is taking over life and reason, and it will do the same after Christmas. And VPN will make sure it follows me home anyway. It is also That Fucking Time of the Month in triplicate and I hate everything ever in life.

This is a good time to focus on music. Two posts the same month! I know! But there's a fair to good chance I'll barely be online for the next two weeks and that is so goddamn depressing I can't even. I do love my work right now; at least now, we're doing something necessary. It just sucks because the importance means it takes everything out of me to get it done and I don't have anything else left for anything. I'm just so tired, and I'm not sure now it's entirely physical either.

Anyway.

Covers are my pet. I like for different groups and singers to take up songs and recreate them in their own imagine. Good or bad or mediocre, they bring something interesting to them, leaving something of themselves behind in the history of the song, and it's always fascinating, even if I hate it. Which I'll be honest, a lot of covers I wouldn't listen to for fun; I listen to them because it's an affirmation, an argument, a discussion, a protestation, and it may not be good, but they're trying to say something and I want to know what it is and why.

Reference: Second Hand Songs, a cover database that steals your life.

I'll pull youtube this time for direct comparison when I can find it. You will want to sample both, but I suggest even if you don't like it, listen straight through. Chosen for what I could find quickly so could be anything in the video.

( covers: interpretation can be so personal sometimes )

Okay, that's about--okay, that didn't even put a dent in my covers playlist, but I'm getting uncomfortable with how many times a perky song becomes a heroin addict's anthem of pain and loss. IDEK. I'm not entirely comfortable saying the 00's were clinically depressed for music, but I'm not sure I can argue against it, either.

In the last entry in comments, I mentioned I have a mental Do Not Cover list too (it's very short and clung to with almost religious fevor); one of them is Let It Be by the Beatles, because I've never heard anyone do it and even capture a tenth of the strength and the gorgeousness, much less remix it into their own. Now I wonder if there are any that don't make me grit my teeth. It's not that I think anyone is untouchable, more that the song is simple and the meaning is everything and anything but. Anyone heard a good one?

I also wouldn't mind cover recs. Just not Hallelujah--I just downloaded a new one and I have to wait between them or I hate the new cover too much to listen to it fairly. I think I officially have a Hallelujah playlist.

One of the benefits of Amazon and iTunes slowly but surely expanding their musical offerings is stumbling over stuff I never knew the name of, who it was by, or when I heard it, but still have on carefully preserved tapes from junior high and high school. I don't actually own anything that can play a tape--hilarity--but I can't make myself throw them away, because back then, I had to record from radio, being, y'know, poor and only having like, a few radio stations I could get in the country, so each song represents a serious investment of time and energy sitting by the radio and listening. And I don't mean casually; I mean, listening for hours and hours waiting for a song I liked, or when I got my very first stereo, saving up for blank tapes and then leaving one tape to record on the longest available play on the radio and spending my time after school the next day listening to it and carefully using the double tape deck to record the songs I liked from one tape to another.

( musical history in the making, for me, anyway )

( what I'm listening to now )

So this entry got surprisingly long. Anyone have any recs they'd like to toss out?

I suspect the next two weeks of my life are going to suck, workwise, which means everything will suck, and the sink at work is not large enough to drown in. I think we should order new ones?

I'm indulging my inner angst.

Music

This isn't a full music review, since I was kind of aware of exactly what I was looking for. I surfed using Augustana as my start point, so these are all in four or less degrees of separation from them in iTunes links.

All are youtube links to the songs.

Something More by Secondhand Serenade - look, I am self-aware enough to kind of almost be embarrassed, but not enough to care? I started listening to them when I was writing Merlin--wow, did Merlin do well with their last album as a soundtrack--and they are listenable but only Fall For You really stuck with me--but this one is what I was waiting for.

I talked about how I have semi-hardwired music preferences, the Continuum of Good Enough; it's fairly rangey, granted, but it's also repetitive and done bad a lot and I get sick of it fast--there are reasons I had a playlist entirely devoted to Fall Out Boy, Cobra Starship, and Three Days Grace for leavening. This song falls in the high end of the range--it's not like Coldplay or The Fray or Augustana, but the second time I head it, it clicked hard. It's moody and a little dreamy and is doing something that the earlier album hinted at; this is what I was looking for. I think I would say it's more mainstream than their earlier albums, but keep in mind, I'm in Austin and I embrace mainstream as a lifestyle choice.

Twenty Years by Augustana - this is what I was downloading when I hit Meatloaf and had a moment. It's fairly quiet and then a slow build, which I love, but I think it's mostly I like their sound and just want more.

Bring You Back by Hawthorne Heights - to be fair, I liked the song before I read the bio, but the bio of the album confirmed it. It's grief with a guitar and a hard backbeat. It actually isn't depressing, even with the album backstory. I like it.

Hold On to You by Story of the Year - you may be sensing a theme here. I said it up front, I was searching by theme. Slightly moodier than Bring You Back, really good for keeping awake, and I wonder if I'm waiting for this one to hit my continuum harder. This one is good, but they could be really good.

The Story Left Untold by Every Avenue - nothing particularly new or interesting, though for some reason, they remind me of Lifehouse, though technically speaking, this song really isn't. I'm not sure I'll ever love it, but I do like it a lot.

My top five for number of plays in iTunes as follows:

Chemistry of a Car Crash, Shiny Toy Guns, 800
Tanglewood Tree, Chris and Meredith, 787 (blame (This Is) Not a Statement; I had it on repeat up through the Vegas parts until...
Chances, Five For Fighting, 774, which I wrote the last ten thousand words to.
Enough For Now, the Fray, 674
Closer to You, Wallflowers, 589

Because averzierlia is awesome and totally had a vision ....

Imaginary Castle - hypothetical purchases and puppies, related to House Hunting II.

See, these things make days so much better than they were before. So. Much.

Whee!

Going to hang with transtempts in Seattle and go to Adam's concert in July! God, so looking forward to this. I miss traveling; I haven't been out of state since November for svmadelyn's birthday.

Adventures With iTunes

Due to recent purchases, my new six degrees of separation when looking for music is now John Mayer. That is an improvement over Burning Season but not like, much. He's like beyond hit or miss; he's like, one out of twenty songs, and never live. But I hate Burning Season because it's been pushed at me by Genius for like, a year now.

I explained in my last entry about buying songs on the anticipation I'll eventually like them, because I have no idea, it just works for me, along with songs I listen to and love the first time.

Songs I Loved on Acquisition

Before the Worst by script - this is because Breakeven ended up not being quite a writing song but really close and this one tipped over into it. Also does well with humming.

So Long, Stereoside - this one embarrasses me. I had them blacklisted because of a somewhat racist, misogynistic, homophobic (trifecta) song but while staring at Genius hatefully, I played this one and loved it. After downloading, I went to look at their album. Cue wtf. I do like the song. I just wish I hadn't given them like, my money.

(I'm not actually usually that ethical in my music or like, that much being able to pay attention. For some reason, that one song bothered me hugely. Stupid song.)

Desperately Wanting, Better than Ezra - they, like Gin Blossoms and Counting Crows and Wallflowers fall into what I call my Continuum of Good Enough. The problem is, the Continuum of Good Enough (music I can listen to within my general musical taste; I never really cared about music in an active way until the advent of the mp3 because I hated buying CDs for one damn song) stopped actually working like, three years ago with a Toad the Wet Sprocket acquisition that burned out my ability to get in touch with my inner post-grunge, and anyone with even a vague resemblance gets a suspicious look. However, Ezra had one song I liked. And I so do.

Come on Get Higher, Matt Nathanson - I just love the rhythm on this one. In this category, add The Middle, Jimmy Eat World and Give a Little Bit, The Goo Goo Dolls. I run these three on repeat with She's So High, Kurt Nielsen, for the energy. And the easy to sing lyrics. Sometimes I throw in Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA for reasons that don't bear exploration except it's a really hilarious way to pass the time at work between builds.

Bound for the Floor, Local H - svmadelyn linked me to this one last night. The sound isn't the same as Your Decision, Alice in Chains, except maybe in genre technically, but this one is the one that hit me perfectly. Alice in Chains I like to listen to, but this one I put on repeat for like, hours. They also do an intriguing cover of Britney's Toxic. I don't know if I like it, but when it comes up on rotation, it does get my attention.

Forever, Vertical Horizon - I have such a soft spot for them--I wrote a lot of QaF fic to them, and they were the first song on the first MP3 player I ever had (not an iPod).

Recent Acquisitions That Are Not There Yet:

Hey Now, Augustana - I do like this one, but it's not quite in my head yet. Also, Sweet and Low and Stars and Boulevards. I can feel I will really like these soon.

The Script Album, Script - I was already two for two on them, so why not? Potentially The End Where I Begin as well. I'm still working on my appreciation of the others.

My current Continuum of Good Enough (songs I will at least like if not love, unless they are The Fray, which I love like ice cream and long lost coffee) is The Fray, The Goo Goo Dolls, Vertical Horizon (no idea why) and Coldplay. I'm irritated that OneRepublic seems to be in this family and yet I'm just not feeling their music, and Snow Patrol is so hit or miss it gets on my nerves.

OTOH, I am doing well not buying more Hinder, One Less Reason, Three Days Grace, or Placebo, because I was getting some seriously disturbing Genius recs from that little group.

So, anyone else acquire new music?

The thing that bothers me about assimilation of lyrics without conscious effort is it is inevitable when I start to accidentally sing it, it will be something about oral sex, killing someone just to watch them bleed out, various shades of drug use, suicide, or worst of all, Spanish, which isn't bad in itself when alone (I know enough to pick up the concept of the song, but it can be questionable since I don't know enough to be sure), but a source of endless hilarity to my coworkers when I'm murmuring earnestly about like, love among the banditos or something and apparently my accent is Texas by way of white girl by way of "are you singing about goats? What was that word? Was that even a word?" according to native and fluent speakers. The answer is no, it was not about goats. At least, I hope not. Selena would never betray me like that.

I've talked about how I don't actually consciously, actively know many songs at all; everything I know is by osmosis repeat one on iTunes, and I breathe the words along with it when I'm testing, and if I'm feeling really--we'll call it frustrated?--with the test, the computer, the cubicle, the building, the existence of the universe, it may be slightly louder than breathing. I don't remember otherwise; I couldn't a capella most of it on purpose to save my life. Which I think argues there's a separate storage area in the brain devoted to lyrics memorization, random facts, and in my case, a strange and uncomfortable competence in wirestripping without breaking the copper fibers, and for no reason at all, the ability to recognize any Pride and Prejudice adaptation after three minutes of watching, no matter what part is showing at the time.

Not that I don't value that ability. I'm just saying, what the fuck?

Anyway, singing. I soundtrack my life even if its only in my head; it's just that sometimes, it doesn't stay there. I've come to terms with 1.) I'm bad at singing, 2.) I don't care, and 3.) for the most part, being humiliated when I realize that I'm singing I Touch Myself at the copier just takes up valuable time I could use to type updates into Twitter. Because seriously, when your supervisor comes by your office to query about your loving rendition of bodies like sheep to the rhythm of blahblah go back to sleep (seriously, I don't know the lyrics. Until I start singing them. It's weird.) to your not-starting computer while standing over it holding a letter opener, it's just easier to get everyone so used to it they don't notice anymore.

(That's been in rotation almost three years now and never really gets old.)

Context: my music mix at work usually has a hard beat so I can work in rhythm to it, and because it keeps me awake, and because most of the stuff with a hard beat is fairly violent and I'm in a cubicle, so it seems natural they go together. Most recently, though, I brought my primary home playlists into rotation, because I was on a The Fray kick, and then brought in Adam and Kings of Leon to balance out the mix so it's not primarily A Perfect Circle, Korn, and strangely enough, Britney Spears.

So yesterday I was humming along carrying a box of Harry and David's chocolate cherries to offer people who were unfortunate enough to be stuck at work and probably needed the encouragement to dissuade active suicidal tendencies, and skipping between empty cubicles, I picked up a pen someone dropped and thought about Adam's cane in For Your Entertainment. In my defense, as in there's not one, I was already pissed at him about some scripts I'd written that he'd rejected, so as I hit R's cubicle, I was at full volume telling him I was giving it to him until he was screaming my name instead of being passive-aggressive and thinking it viciously.

(To be fair, Adam's not osmosis lyric learning; it has a hard beat and telling my computer I'm not soft or sweet speeds up load time immensely, so I made the effort to memorize. It's not that I didn't know what I was singing; I just didn't realize I'd increased my volume quite that much when I wasn't sure the aisle was empty.)

I may or may not have pointed the pen at him at the time, but that's best left to history. So as one does, I offered him a chocolate cherry and shimmed back to my cubicle at four-four time and took off my headphones so whoever walked by could sing along, since shame just took a backdoor to the fact I had four more hours at work and there was a better than average chance my feelings about my new relationship with Twitter were starting to unsettle me.

(Protip, R; do not piss off someone working the day before Christmas Eve who rocks six one in her favorite shoes and is taller than you by three inches without them. It's not an accident that I love heels; I know exactly why people react differently when they have to look up at me.)

This is still better than "when I think of you, I touch myself" while staring moodily at a copier, I have to say. It could have been so much worse. It could have been Ben Moody's Everything Burns. Apparently I shouldn't talk about fire at work or something; I'm told it makes people twitchy.

Note: My sister made me listen to the song "Becky" several times by sheer malice. Example of highly involuntary osmosis learning and possibly my sister's idea of hilarious torture. Make. It. Go. Away. Now. Even my slowly degrading standards of public conduct have to draw a line at asking for someone's mouth, and God, I hate that song. And my sister. So. Much.

Context: Lyrics.

This will end well, I think.

Eventually, I should probably wrap the last presents. Maybe.

So I'm back with my Issues in picking music. Which you know, means iTunes Genius and I bond. Genius follows a one percent rule for me--one percent of the music they rec I may eventually like. But I still have to listen to every song they rec, because it could be my One True Song and I don't want to miss it.

Yeah. I know.

However, there's a far more insidious thing that they do in the store--the Listeners Also Bought and the Genius Sidebar. That, my friends, is where I get screwed. Because following that along I end up in the circle of Hell that is Breaking Benjamin (I liked one song ftlog and now I can't get away), Shinedown, 32 Leaves, 10 Years, Evans Blue, Theory of a Deadman, and *shivers* Burn Season.

...to be fair, I have like, five Theory of a Deadman (Nickelback Lite) and three Shinedown, and I tried one from each of the others, except Burn Season. But that's not the point. The point is, all roads lead to Rome--they lead to Burn Season. For months. Goddamn Burn Season. Of which I liked nothing. And no matter how much American Idol, Britney Spears, or apparently, even Jesse McCartney cannot get me away from that album while link jumping, so honestly I'm really beginning to doubt myself.

Fast forward to today, where I found myself in the same cycle, then was surprised by the appearance of Hinter and One Less Reason. Everywhere. And no Burn Season!

Here is the thing--sometimes, I can be convinced I like something even if I'm lukewarm at first play. Okay, that's not working for Burn Season, but after like, fifty clicks and getting One Less Reason and Hinder like, every time, so I figured I was wrong about my own taste and started methodically listening to everything they did. Because it was cross-referencing with half of two of my active playlists. Obviously, I do not know myself as Genius does.

The life lesson I'm taking from this is twofold: 1.) I am the platonic idea of what corporate America is looking for in a customer, because if you just keep throwing the product in my face and tell me I like it, I'll believe you and 2.) Eventually, I am going to like Burn Season, and that makes me afraid.

Adding: I wish I had the patience to screencap. In a row--in a row--three reviews of three different bands mention how much they are like Burn Season as I click along Listeners Also Bought. Why? Why do they think I will like this?

*helpless* Maybe my initial loathing was mistaken? Two of them seem less horribly unpleasant than I remember.

ETA: Closer by Burn Season (youtube link) is suddenly far more listenable than I thought. Please see Life Lesson #2. This cannot end well.

I'm going through some kind of obscure music phase where I'm buying music on speculation--i.e., that while I do not like it now, or even feel vaguely hateful to it, the song/band/genre has enough crossover with the Atlantis Project* that I'll like it eventually.

*(Atlantis Project is my writing music and the elite of the Seperis playlists. I have mood lists and writing lists and etc, but Atlantis is the stuff that kind of owns my soul. Actually, it could be the musical equivalent of my soul, though that does argue do I want my soul to include Erasure? I don't know.)

This is a shitty way to get music**.

**(It is. But it has a ten percent success rate when I can't get my new music fixes via vids, and that's pretty good odds and about ten times better than I can manage without some kind of personal emotional crisis. So really, this entire music situation could be blamed on vidders. Who aren't vidding. Why aren't you vidding?)

Granted, it turns out that grimly forcing repeat on myself until the homicidal tendencies ease means I do like them from sheer self-defense. But it turns out to also be hideously repetitive as well, for as it turns out, when I'm buying speculatively, I'm not all that imaginative--I'm basically buying what says it's a lot of rock, and sure, that's the genre, but it's just not. It's rockers who had torrid affairs with emoband boys and were left crying into their whiskey about their lost heterosexuality, so they are taking out their pain with guitars instead of eyeliner***.

***(They may be wearing eyeliner, too. IDK. I'm just saying, Theory of a Deadman's lips are saying "Rock" but their eyes are screaming "Give me my Fallout Boy mix plz to express my pain". And I have four of their songs, so I know what I speak of here. Like I said. Repetitive.)

It's really disconcerting. It's worse than just they sound alike. I get the feeling they were all left by the same emoband. I can't be sure, but I have this total My Chemical Romance Broke My Heart and I Am Expressing My Pain with My Guitar thing**** going on with like, four of them. It's weird.

****(This would be 10 Years "So Long, Goodbye" and Theory of a Dead Man "Not Meant To Be". Okay, anyone who has that--the intro. Where the hell have I heard that before? Fuel? Three Days Grace? It's driving me nuts. I have heard it before, and if the damn singing wouldn't start so quick, I could probably figure it out by singing the first verse. Because that is familiar.)

Mostly, I'm irritated because Collective Soul's Run is totally something I can feel in my bones is my song and it's totally not happening. I get a bigger emotional hit off Cold Hearted Snake at this point, and let me tell you, I can still feel shame. I am grimly humming along with Run and almost feeling it, then I give up and flip on Faith No More or something. I mean, I did a 100 repeat on this song. The most emotion I can get off of it is a vague need for a sandwich next time I take a roadtrip and that doesn't even make sense.

I'm also thinking of the Id Vortex in music, which is I guess different from fiction? I think there's an encouraging thing that music should be your Id. Which fine, okay. But listening to Broken with Seether and Amy Lee makes me profoundly uncomfortable, and I mean, that was before I stumbled across their real lives and times.

(Randomly, Breaking Inside by Shinedown and Staind's Believe are the soundtrack to Tale of the Sea Serpent. My Id and I have a fantastic relationship. My third choice was Alanis Morisette, but Arthur giving head to "You Outta Know" felt like something I should be ashamed of, even if I didn't know why. Do with that what you will.)

A Versus S: The Rise of the Clones (or something)

Because we are about three days away from Operation Reconnect on Saturday and this time I put a post-it note up to remind me that come hail, bad weather, or epic pneumonia, I will be watching this. Um, unless John Sheppard appears on my doorstep. Then all bets are off.

Linked first by gweniriol:

the following post is [about] anonymous hosted by Henry Jenkin's blog, apparently from an (anonymous but not Anonymous) student. It, er, has nothing particularly new to say that anyone on lj hasn't been saying, but it's a nice and concise summary of events so far.

Linked by JF's user Nigredo on Operation: Mock at JF:

Serious Business, hosted by Citypaperonline, a pretty darn good article about Anonymous, Scientology, the internet, et al. Really, really interesting.

The Definition of Insanity Is...

Theoretically (as in, from the internetz I got my learnings), insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different response. That personally makes no sense to me, because as we all know, doing something exactly the same way over and over is a flat out guarantee that it will have a different response just as you have fallen into the rut. Which is why people are up at four in the morning when their hard drive inexplicably crashes and they lose all their media after saving it the same way as always. Not that this has happened to me. But I have heard of it.

However. At work, this is the actual definition of sane. Doing the same test over and over and over until it starts working. I literally think that at some point, someone is going to come in here and find me sitting in my bra and a pair of sunglasses talking to my imaginary best friend Bob the Toaster. It's just that likely. Assuming I remember to wear a bra.

It's over soon. Well, not really. But the part that's making me have some kind of strange interaction with the not-real world (ask chopchica about my sudden desire to turn all of SGA into actual vampires; this can't end well).

Music

I rarely rec music, but if you are say, in a bad mood? The rageful kind? Falls Apart by Hurt is doing good things for me. It tricked me. The beginning is faintly slow emo by way of Staind and I was all, whee mope, oh woe my hard life, then suddenly there's like, that virtual feeling of being in a room full of guitars and your job is to smash them all. Yes. That please. It's on youtube (a lot), but I can't listen from here to see which version sounds right.

So I put in "power ballads" in ITunes store search. I--don't know why.

...oh my God I own half these songs. And some by men who always had creepily well-conditioned hair. IT IS LIKE THE EIGHTIES AND NINETIES HAVE THROWN UP UPON ME!

(This is honestly the strangest--the strangest combination of songs. Wow.)

...Skid Row!!!!!

ETA: AHHH! HEAVEN BY WARRANT!!!!!

ETA 2: When the Children Cry by White Lion. *chews lip* Could be just me. But did it--back then--the video, did it just seem. Very. Creepy?

ETA 3: Illustration

When the Children Cry by White Lion. It's--really this slowly growing horror of the way it--I mean, it's--it wasn't ironic. It was earnest. And the framing...

2:14 to 2:17 -- the entire earnestly speaking of God I saw this video when it premiered (I think) while well below the ages of drinking and just....

I mean--these are guys who likely were snorting coke off hooker's bellies in between takes, you know? Irony. They should have gone for irony.

svmadelyn, from the goodness of her heart, overloaded me with fifteen of the most depressing songs in the history of civilization. Well, twelve of them, one with one murdering her husband, and one with memphis involved. Which honestly, I feel that the second you mention Memphis in any country song, it's autojerk to assume it's about someone drinking themselves to death in a bar somewhere while listening to Hank Williams.

Part of this is that I grew up around a bar. Not the nightclub kind--the rural kind, where everyone and their families went after work with their kids and their parents and their grandparents, where all the kids learned pool early on and played outside during summer. Good times. It was farmers, third, fourth, fifth generation. My dad, a painter. Landscapers, construction, name it and have it live in rural Central Texas, represent. Unfortunately, the jukebox was stuck in the late seventies even when the nineties happened, so my early music tastes were formed by Willie Nelson and Waylan Jennings and God help us all, Patsy Cline. I don't remember now--but a song can come on the radio and suddenly I'm singing without any clear idea what I'm singing. If I don't catch myself, I can make it through the entire song. If I realize what I'm doing, I forget immediately. It took me until my very early teens to discover rock and pop, and I made my first mix tapes with my first stereo with nothing but pop--sadly, I just missed falling for New Kids on the Block (my sister wanted to marry them all, and I melted the hair of Donnie Walburg once). I remember Madonna and Paula Abdul and the first time I saw a music video.

I love music, in a very non-discrimatory way. I like it dramatic and quiet and painful, and I'd prefer to cry through it. I remember my first crush was set to Oceans Apart and the first time I was hurt it was to Madonna's I Remember. The last time I fell in love didn't have a soundtrack, but the last time my heart broke, I spent six months with Alanis Morisette. I still have that entire CD memorized. I was twenty, so that has to excuse most of it. I remember feeling with music--play the right time, and for a few seconds, I'm there, and it's all brand new.

I played clarinet and still remember Nimrod: Enigma Variations, haunting and beautiful and deceptively simple, rippling through every instrument. Flute and clarinets trading melody, countermelody like running water beneath it, silky and rising, a crescendo like a shock and hurting when it ended.

College the first time around was Sheryl Crowe and Live and the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. I made out to the Cranberries Zombie my freshman year and I learned to dance the waltz to Bryan Adams Tell Me Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman and how to two step to Clint Black. I don't listen to dance music unless I'm dancing, and then I don't care what it is--something with a hard beat I can feel up my calves and in my back that melts me like wax, where my body's mine and moves the way I always thought it should. I sing to Phantom of the Opera and wrote my first novel to Drops of Jupiter. When I was seventeen, I fell in love with Roxette and Pet Shop Boys playing in teh background. I still have those tapes, hidden in a box, hand labeled by the first person I ever loved.

I look for my life in almost forgotten lyrics, sets of four beats, snatches of melody in a grocery store playing in tinny speakers. I heard a snatch of Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes in HEB and I felt a start of recognition--I know that, this feeling, this second, this moment--but I don't know why. My mother is Aerosmith and George Michael and Wham and The Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Nadia's theme, Christmas caroles she taught herself to play on our old piano when I was growing up. My dad's Hank Williams Jr and classic country music on the radio in the jeep. My sisters are rap and R&B and Eminem. Friends are hung around with lyrics and drip slow beats, play in inaudible memories in my head. Katie, long gone but not forgotten, is VH-1 and Gin Blossoms and Collective Soul, stroking my hair and pulling herself to pieces while I watched. Loni's Depeche Mode and Erasure played on repeat when I fell in love the way I never have since, and the way I broke myself when it ended, when she held me while I cried. Vannezsa's industrial rock, German and Russian bands with thick beats and Metallica, The Matrix soundtrack.

I don't understand it, music--why simple melody can break me or inspire me, why the right playlist can keep me up for days and the wrong one reduce me to tears. I don't understand teh combination of notes that makes Appalacian Spring shiver through me and Bolero wake me up. Don't Let It Go to Your Head I'll sing outside at work with my ipod playing in my ears, a twirling in the parking lot under trees and wondering if anyone can see me out the windows, feeling alive and fresh and like everything's new all over again. The Boys of Summer makes me want the beach like I want air, and What About Everything makes me stare at the sky in wonder at how much is left for me to see.

I'm always surprised when I find something new, always amazed how it can reduce me to silence inside my head, flattening thought and tuning the world out, everything turned inward to absorb what I hear, like all of life is captured in three minutes, thirty seconds, everything I am and was and everything I'll ever be. It's breathtaking, every time.