blahty-blah blah barbecue sauce.

So.

Have you ever been reading along--you know, a fic. Otherwise, this PSA would be useless. And you're reading, and it's not bad, and it makes you smile, or whatever, and then you kind of want to die?

Yes. Those moments. I am talking about the Inappropriate Lube Moments.

These can be characterized by so many absolutely *terrifying* lube substitutes that an exhaustive list is impossible.

But you know what? I'm going to try. Using my vast fanficcal experience, which is almost totally just like the real thing! Really! Honest!

1.) Wood glue. I'm sad to say that, yes. that has been used. And yes. I really really wish I'd died.
2.) Aloe vera. (tested by a friend recently in heterosexual ways. She states if I ever rec her anything lube like again, my rabbits will be stew next time I visit for dinner. So these are the lengths I will go to for fandom. ALIENATE A FRIEND WHO LIVES FAIRLY CLOSE TO ME)
3.) Barbecue sauce.
4.) Honey. No, seriously. What?
5.) Blood. No, not in a really awesome superangsty bdsm way where there is, you know, a *reason*. But in a way that just--I mean. No, really. Ouch. Ouch.
6.) Soap. Christ.
7.) Chocolate syrup -- okay, vote. Too sticky? Or would it work and not, you know, dry and crust? Maybe certain types are okay?
8.) mustard. Okay, granted, I don't know for sure. But seriously. I mean. It's *yellow*. How can you look at your penis painted up like a jaundiced clown and think, yes, that is something that needs to go in *there*. Or look--okay, never mind. I just--no. I mean, even if it is harmless? No.

God, so bored, and still no zohowriter at work. My life sucketh. I want a pony.

**this entry is brought to you by svmadelyn, who implied that she no longer wished to play blind quote game by email and so I was forced into the wilds of lj to entertain myself.

***Okay, yes, I read bad_penny first, but really, who isn't?

****Now I am tempted to do an inappropriate lube challenge, just to see who can come up with teh scariest non-maiming one.

Comments

inappropriate, *in* my ass!

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

I have seen:

lamp oil
kerosene
gun oil
sterno
neat's foot oil

and I'm sure some other equally horrific ideas, in my years of reading.

Innapropriate Lube Challenge - how can it fail! How can it NOT fail!

Re: inappropriate, *in* my ass!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I know you are joking. Because otherwise I will cry a lot.

Oh. My. God. KEROSENE? THAT CAN SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST? OH MY GOD.

[musesfool.livejournal.com]

Have you tried writely? er, http://www.writely.com - for writing at work? I've been using it, and though it's just been "upgraded," I like it. It's Google, so it should go unblocked at work.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

See, I had no problems with zoho up until this week.

Hmm. *clicks to check out*

Thanks!

[svilleficrecs.livejournal.com]

I'd think the mustard and the barbecue sauce are going to start burning your bits VERY QUICKLY.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I was thinking that? But not totaly sure.

But seriously. Color *alone*....*shudders*

[prairiedaun.livejournal.com]

It's been my experience that mustard is kind of acid-y (plus the whole spicy thing) and yeah. I would not want that rubbed in anywhere sensitive on the body, mindless of colour.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*nodnodnod* All spicy yes. no one wants a spicy ass.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

I always want to cry when I read about the sunscrean. Becuase honestly, have you ever got some of that in your eye? That stuff is meant for outside only. Just saying.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*shudders*

*shudders more*

God. I didn't think of that.

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

BLOOD FOR LUBE.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

blood for lube?

[that_mireille]

Mustard tends to have vinegar in it, and I can't help but think that it would be *burny.*

And now I am having serious thoughts about inappropriate lube. Argh.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Then this entry was worth it. *Share* your memories!

[ileliberte.livejournal.com]

Um, I can't believe I'm contributing to this, but really, you don't think spit is enough? *is wide-eyed and wondering* Jeez, the whole "I like it rough" thing and especially the "he preferred men because he didn't have to be as careful, he could be as rough as he wanted" make me think that hospital visits are very realistic possibilities in that person's life even though I would think immense pain might just be a very big deterrent to any sort of pleasure.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

you made my ass cry. CRY I SAY.

Though the quickest way to make me twitch is also the completely dry way. Cause wow. I just. ABRASIONS.

Though really, would'nt that hurt the penis too? That is shoving a delicate thing into a hot, dry space and *abrading it*.

[threewalls]

Ranch dressing, which I think may have been a joke, but also mayonnaise, which wasn't.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

See, ranch has spices, but mayo, while smelling horrible=-hmm. THe vinegar, maybe? *thougthful* This is an interesting thought.

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

But only wood glue, right? Not any other kind?

I mean, you have to admit it makes a certain kind of sense...

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*chokes*

Well. I haven't seen a test case for elmer's, no.

But wow, horrifying image! thanks!

[ladycat777.livejournal.com]

*cough*

Lets just pretend you've already asked me how I know this, and I've answered in ways that are not traumatic for me, before I tell you mustard? BURNS. A whole, freaking LOT. It's vinegar, it's seedy, even the normal squeez-y kind has seeds in it, and just -- no. NO.

Also, glue? Who the hell thought glue -- sticky, and not so big with the slippery and friction-enabling -- would work? Why did they think that?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

mustard FOREVER!

*shudders*

I do'nt even *remember* where that one came from--I just remember my own glazed horror.

Though you know? Now I kinda wanna find out.

[idyll.livejournal.com]

My worst lube-in-fic experience was liquid fabric softener. I think I screamed. For real.

[aphelant.livejournal.com]

OMG, I totally read that one! I was horrified, and I had the thought of someone's ass smelling like Downy stuck in my head for DAYS.

I can't do laundry anymore without being disturbed. o_O

[http://users.livejournal.com/_medley_/]

I seem to recall a due South fic involving motor oil. People, just because it has oil in the name doesn't mean you want it just ANYWHERE. ::shudders::

[lovelokest.livejournal.com]

On Minotaur's Sex Tips for the Slash Writer (http://www.squidge.org/~minotaur) he lists motor oil as being a lube he has used.

*shudders*

[libitina]

Hee! My first encounter with honey as lube was when I was processing new books for out college library's collection and could not let Bearotica go past without a "NO! Really?" look-see.

My reaction to the honey story was squirming ewwiness, and I used that often as an example of a stellarly poor choice of lube.

...and then I met abundantlyqueer, who writes in LotRPS. And she researches things like anal lubricants for a living. And she had a story with honey in it... and I mocked her. And then there were credentials and an explanation.

Apparently, honey is only all that sticky in small quanities, but if you use enough of it (OMG!), then it stays all slippy and fluid. Yeast doesn't grow as prolifically in the anus as the vagina, so the sugar content isn't so much an issue. And there are vague antibacterial properties to honey.

Yes, I am looking for the story to use as reference, but she was very inconsiderate in not naming it "the one that shocked libitina with the scandalous use of honey."

[libitina]

Here is a shudder-inducing list of the ingredients in actual lubricants, courtesy of gay_sex_tips.

And here (public for a short time only) is a poll I took on whether people felt a need for lube at all.

[ratcreature]

Well, liquid soap is fairly slippery and I guess the pH-neutral kind wouldn't sting? Anyway, I'm not sure of its lubricating properties, but I'd rather have liquid soap on my sensitive parts and mucosa than condiments. I think even mild mustard would be kind of harsh, probably still better than barbecue sauce, though. I mean, doesn't that have stuff like vinegar and chili in it?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Yes! Or somethign spicy adn peppery! *shudders*

[lovelokest.livejournal.com]

I've been reading a lot of old school Professionals' fic the last few days and have only read one fic where lube is used - and in most of the fic, the bottom (always Doyle, the more "feminine" of the two) has never had anal sex before *cries*.

It hurts but it isn't a bad hurt *cries some more*

[lovelokest.livejournal.com]

Er I should've added before "It hurts...":

And Doyle always says that it hurts, but it isn't a bad hurt.

The writing in sex scenes has gotten a lot better.

[ellixis.livejournal.com]

On soap: Works decently, isn't terribly traumatic as such things go (because, well, clean), but, depending on what KIND of soap, you may be very sorry later. Anything other than five-minute quick interludes in the shower not recommended. Stings if not washed away.

[callmeri]

I don't think I've ever told you how much I really, really enjoy reading your LJ. And it's totally because of discussions like this. (Well, that and the fic. And the rabbit chronicles. And of course the fic. But anyway.)

Coming from a fandom where lube can be pretty damn hard to come by (OZ), I've read quite a few doozies in my time, and besides blood (*shudder*), the absolute worst one that I can recall was when a guy hoarded a few of those little mayonnaise packets from the cafeteria and brought them into his cell. And all I could think about while reading the otherwise-hot-as-hell sex scene was "OMG SALMONELLA!"

I also wanted to mention that spit does tend to get used a lot in Oz stories, but I once asked a slutty er, rather experienced gay male friend of mine about it, and he said that he's done it from time to time himself in RL. So I tend to let it slide. (But the blood... ohgod, just NO. And glue? WTF??)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*shudders* I never thought of it, but Oz--yeah. That would be the fandom of lubeless.

*shivers at lubeless or spit* God.

[cpt-untouchable.livejournal.com]

Glue? Foodstuffs? What the Deuce?

Spit always makes me cringe, because OW, but the worst I've seen was toothpaste. Minty, gooey toothpaste. The hell no. Also, barbecue sauce up the ass? Garlic, chili powder, vinegar. I have to stop thinking about this now.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I really dislike the foodstuffs. I just--can't deal with that. There are places food in it's undigested form should not go.

[30toseoul.livejournal.com]

Um. In a way I hate to share the trauma, but I remember reading a Highlander fic years ago where they used the juice from a can of Vienna sausages. Yes, really.

[neery.livejournal.com]

I think you win for disgusting. Trauma indeed...

[liviapenn.livejournal.com]

... *Straight* aloe vera gel? Like, straight from the plant? My grandma used to make that stuff and give it to us for sunburns. Aloe vera *lotion* would be okay, but... seriously? Just plain aloe vera gel? It's so sticky!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

No, an aloe-based lotion stuff. Which apparently burns when used on delicate tissues.

[aurora]

5.) Blood. No, not in a really awesome superangsty bdsm way where there is, you know, a *reason*.
I think I've read this one. :(( This is the stuff nightmares are made of.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*grins*

Aww. We share nightmares!

[thecomfychair.livejournal.com]

*boggles*

See now I want the followup to the glue fic that involves the main characters's inability to ever make model airplanes again.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I want to find it again. A *lot*. It *has* to have been recced to me for trauma, but for the life of me? Cannot remember.

[neery.livejournal.com]

Wood glue? Because when you're trying to make things not stick together, the very first thing that comes to mind is obviously glue. Sure.

Chocolate syrup -- very much disqualified for this particular use, if only for the color. Hello? ICK.

But there are lots of different kinds of Aloe Vera products, and a lot of them would actually work pretty well (while others would just be painful in really nasty ways. That heat lotion we have for bruises... well. Let's not go there.) Maybe the author meant the normal lotion kind?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

See, the thing is, i remember *that* part--for obvious reasons--but not the actual story. I am hoping to God it was a parody. But yeah. That I remember.

god, it had to have been recced to me, therefore,someone has to remember doing that. Possilby through hate.

[cjandre.livejournal.com]

I can tell you that soap is only good for a short, quick fuck, and then should be washed out thoroughly, or.... yeah, TMI ensues.

as for barbecue sauce and mustard - WTF? was this in an effort to make the sex that much more traumatic?

Oh, and I think I have read a story with the funniest lube EVER- although it was admitedly in a humorous fic:

An ex-girlfriend's anti-fungal creme (Like monostat-7).

That is just my favorite example of inappropriate Lube EVER. :-D

[an-kayoh.livejournal.com]

"An ex-girlfriend's anti-fungal creme (Like monostat-7)."

And speaking of traumatic sex...