blahty-blah blah barbecue sauce.

So.

Have you ever been reading along--you know, a fic. Otherwise, this PSA would be useless. And you're reading, and it's not bad, and it makes you smile, or whatever, and then you kind of want to die?

Yes. Those moments. I am talking about the Inappropriate Lube Moments.

These can be characterized by so many absolutely *terrifying* lube substitutes that an exhaustive list is impossible.

But you know what? I'm going to try. Using my vast fanficcal experience, which is almost totally just like the real thing! Really! Honest!

1.) Wood glue. I'm sad to say that, yes. that has been used. And yes. I really really wish I'd died.
2.) Aloe vera. (tested by a friend recently in heterosexual ways. She states if I ever rec her anything lube like again, my rabbits will be stew next time I visit for dinner. So these are the lengths I will go to for fandom. ALIENATE A FRIEND WHO LIVES FAIRLY CLOSE TO ME)
3.) Barbecue sauce.
4.) Honey. No, seriously. What?
5.) Blood. No, not in a really awesome superangsty bdsm way where there is, you know, a *reason*. But in a way that just--I mean. No, really. Ouch. Ouch.
6.) Soap. Christ.
7.) Chocolate syrup -- okay, vote. Too sticky? Or would it work and not, you know, dry and crust? Maybe certain types are okay?
8.) mustard. Okay, granted, I don't know for sure. But seriously. I mean. It's *yellow*. How can you look at your penis painted up like a jaundiced clown and think, yes, that is something that needs to go in *there*. Or look--okay, never mind. I just--no. I mean, even if it is harmless? No.

God, so bored, and still no zohowriter at work. My life sucketh. I want a pony.

**this entry is brought to you by svmadelyn, who implied that she no longer wished to play blind quote game by email and so I was forced into the wilds of lj to entertain myself.

***Okay, yes, I read bad_penny first, but really, who isn't?

****Now I am tempted to do an inappropriate lube challenge, just to see who can come up with teh scariest non-maiming one.

Comments

[callmeri]

I don't think I've ever told you how much I really, really enjoy reading your LJ. And it's totally because of discussions like this. (Well, that and the fic. And the rabbit chronicles. And of course the fic. But anyway.)

Coming from a fandom where lube can be pretty damn hard to come by (OZ), I've read quite a few doozies in my time, and besides blood (*shudder*), the absolute worst one that I can recall was when a guy hoarded a few of those little mayonnaise packets from the cafeteria and brought them into his cell. And all I could think about while reading the otherwise-hot-as-hell sex scene was "OMG SALMONELLA!"

I also wanted to mention that spit does tend to get used a lot in Oz stories, but I once asked a slutty er, rather experienced gay male friend of mine about it, and he said that he's done it from time to time himself in RL. So I tend to let it slide. (But the blood... ohgod, just NO. And glue? WTF??)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*shudders* I never thought of it, but Oz--yeah. That would be the fandom of lubeless.

*shivers at lubeless or spit* God.