blahty-blah blah barbecue sauce.

So.

Have you ever been reading along--you know, a fic. Otherwise, this PSA would be useless. And you're reading, and it's not bad, and it makes you smile, or whatever, and then you kind of want to die?

Yes. Those moments. I am talking about the Inappropriate Lube Moments.

These can be characterized by so many absolutely *terrifying* lube substitutes that an exhaustive list is impossible.

But you know what? I'm going to try. Using my vast fanficcal experience, which is almost totally just like the real thing! Really! Honest!

1.) Wood glue. I'm sad to say that, yes. that has been used. And yes. I really really wish I'd died.
2.) Aloe vera. (tested by a friend recently in heterosexual ways. She states if I ever rec her anything lube like again, my rabbits will be stew next time I visit for dinner. So these are the lengths I will go to for fandom. ALIENATE A FRIEND WHO LIVES FAIRLY CLOSE TO ME)
3.) Barbecue sauce.
4.) Honey. No, seriously. What?
5.) Blood. No, not in a really awesome superangsty bdsm way where there is, you know, a *reason*. But in a way that just--I mean. No, really. Ouch. Ouch.
6.) Soap. Christ.
7.) Chocolate syrup -- okay, vote. Too sticky? Or would it work and not, you know, dry and crust? Maybe certain types are okay?
8.) mustard. Okay, granted, I don't know for sure. But seriously. I mean. It's *yellow*. How can you look at your penis painted up like a jaundiced clown and think, yes, that is something that needs to go in *there*. Or look--okay, never mind. I just--no. I mean, even if it is harmless? No.

God, so bored, and still no zohowriter at work. My life sucketh. I want a pony.

**this entry is brought to you by svmadelyn, who implied that she no longer wished to play blind quote game by email and so I was forced into the wilds of lj to entertain myself.

***Okay, yes, I read bad_penny first, but really, who isn't?

****Now I am tempted to do an inappropriate lube challenge, just to see who can come up with teh scariest non-maiming one.

Comments

[liviapenn.livejournal.com]

... *Straight* aloe vera gel? Like, straight from the plant? My grandma used to make that stuff and give it to us for sunburns. Aloe vera *lotion* would be okay, but... seriously? Just plain aloe vera gel? It's so sticky!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

No, an aloe-based lotion stuff. Which apparently burns when used on delicate tissues.

[neery.livejournal.com]

Not all kinds do. Don't ask me how I know this. *g*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Huh. I'll take your word for it.

*grins* And see? Am not asking. Am *curious*. But am not asking.

[neery.livejournal.com]

Well. It was completely useless as lotion -- didn't dry, but didn't actually moisten the skin, either, so you were left with this slippery film on your skin that got all over your clothes. I figured it had to be good for something. *g*

[floridapeaches.livejournal.com]

Seconding. 100% Aloe Vera gel, in the bottle, like you would buy for a bad sunburn = awesome. Water based, cheap, and no shame when purchasing. ;)

[liviapenn.livejournal.com]

See, although I'm not sure I'd use it as lube, *plain* aloe vera is not irritating at all-- it's very soothing, that's why it's good for sunburns. But if your friend got a burning sensation, I'd say it was because the lotion she used had perfumes or additives in it.

[carnadosa.livejournal.com]

Well, that burning sensation isn't necessarily bad...*slinks away*