blahty-blah blah barbecue sauce.

So.

Have you ever been reading along--you know, a fic. Otherwise, this PSA would be useless. And you're reading, and it's not bad, and it makes you smile, or whatever, and then you kind of want to die?

Yes. Those moments. I am talking about the Inappropriate Lube Moments.

These can be characterized by so many absolutely *terrifying* lube substitutes that an exhaustive list is impossible.

But you know what? I'm going to try. Using my vast fanficcal experience, which is almost totally just like the real thing! Really! Honest!

1.) Wood glue. I'm sad to say that, yes. that has been used. And yes. I really really wish I'd died.
2.) Aloe vera. (tested by a friend recently in heterosexual ways. She states if I ever rec her anything lube like again, my rabbits will be stew next time I visit for dinner. So these are the lengths I will go to for fandom. ALIENATE A FRIEND WHO LIVES FAIRLY CLOSE TO ME)
3.) Barbecue sauce.
4.) Honey. No, seriously. What?
5.) Blood. No, not in a really awesome superangsty bdsm way where there is, you know, a *reason*. But in a way that just--I mean. No, really. Ouch. Ouch.
6.) Soap. Christ.
7.) Chocolate syrup -- okay, vote. Too sticky? Or would it work and not, you know, dry and crust? Maybe certain types are okay?
8.) mustard. Okay, granted, I don't know for sure. But seriously. I mean. It's *yellow*. How can you look at your penis painted up like a jaundiced clown and think, yes, that is something that needs to go in *there*. Or look--okay, never mind. I just--no. I mean, even if it is harmless? No.

God, so bored, and still no zohowriter at work. My life sucketh. I want a pony.

**this entry is brought to you by svmadelyn, who implied that she no longer wished to play blind quote game by email and so I was forced into the wilds of lj to entertain myself.

***Okay, yes, I read bad_penny first, but really, who isn't?

****Now I am tempted to do an inappropriate lube challenge, just to see who can come up with teh scariest non-maiming one.

Comments

[seperis.livejournal.com]

you made my ass cry. CRY I SAY.

Though the quickest way to make me twitch is also the completely dry way. Cause wow. I just. ABRASIONS.

Though really, would'nt that hurt the penis too? That is shoving a delicate thing into a hot, dry space and *abrading it*.

[ileliberte.livejournal.com]

I would think so too, but apparently all those fictional sado-masochists don't have any problems with it. And really, spit is pretty much the same as dry unless you are, say, a komodo dragon, with mysterious substances in your gummy saliva that has healing properties. But then if it is a komodo dragon, I don't really want to read about it :/ Aaagggghhhh.

[pentapus.livejournal.com]

Healing properties? I mean, the discovery channel tells me they eat rotting meat and have all sorts of disgusting bacteria in their mouths to help with that make a Komodo Dragon bite is Very Bad News. Gangrene or your money back, bad news.

[ileliberte.livejournal.com]

I remember seeing on Discovery (maybe?) that even though the bite was harmful because of the mix of bacteria, apparently there are certain strains in there that help the komodo to heal itself from certain injuries through some immunization to the rest of it. Since I can now find no references to it at all, it might have been a hallucination, even though I thought I remembered it because it was so weird. Blah.

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

Ask Phil Bronstein (http://www.time.com/time/sampler/article/0,8599,133163,00.html)!

[jack-pride.livejournal.com]

::pokes head up::

Actually, depending on how relaxed the bottom is, just spit or even completely dry is perfectly possible. Once you get past that first muscle, a certain amount of moistness is naturally present.

::ducks::