this is not a level of denial i've witnessed before

So my Ritalin vanished again. Literally.



This time, I just cried while tearing apart my room (again), because every time, somehow, it's that I miscounted, or I forgot where I put it, or most recently, my mother says maybe I should get counseling because I was just too upset and I did fine before it so why wouldn't I be fine now? Or possibly that I am hallucinating. That's new. That's the newest and most interesting excuse as to why if my medication isn't carefully hidden, it vanishes. I'm hallucinating.

I--have no idea what to say to that. I mean, at this point, the preferable answer, the answer she believes is her eldest daughter is having hallucinations of putting it one place is more believable than someone in this house is taking it is kind of terrifying to me.

I can't get a refill until a week from Friday. I only had three left, and I count, and I wasn't running behind by that many but I miscounted, or I took too many, or I'm--hallucinating--but I had three left and I left them under some clothes by accident on the recliner in my room. I'm going to have a three day withdrawal headache and I have a major build this week at work and I am fucked over for Thursday when I really needed them because I have a ton of tests and I wrote them and they are complicated and I can't do those like this.

I don't know what to do. There is no early refill on a schedule two. It's a fucking federally controlled substance, a triplicate without refills that have to be hand carried to a pharmacist. My doctor will not, cannot, give it to me twelve days (eleven days?) early. Maybe two days early, or three, but not that many. I can report it to the police, which won't get me an early refill and a police report will in fact look insane. I can't drink coffee for teh caffeine for a little better short term focus, tea doesn't work well for me and I can't get it to espresso level anyway no matter how hard I seep it.

My mother would rather think I had a mental disease serious enough to cause hallucinations, or that I'm lying, than even consider the idea that my sister, who has stolen medication before, in a family where our hydrocodone vanishes regularly, might have possibly, possibly taken it.

I have twelve days, maybe ten days, until I can get a refill, I have a major assignment on Thursday when I'm smack in the middle of a migraine-like withdrawal headache, I have no extra leave to I can take even if I could get away with that because of my gall bladder, and my mother thinks I'm mentally ill that causes either hallucinations or pathological lying.

Okay, at this point in my life, I need some options and I'm not seeing any. I mean, I'm worried that she could convince me I'm crazy. She says I've been too depressed and too unhappy and now I'm too upset about this and I was just too upset. I will honestly say until now, it never occurred to me that I could be seriously mentally ill; now I can't get it out of my head, even though I'm going to say I'm pretty sure that kind of thing tends to be more general than whether or not I'm missing ritalin. That woudl be one fucking special mental illness.

And I still have twelve days until a refill and no options.

Comments

[libitina]

That really sucks.

Now that it has happened twice: for the future

[seperis]

Yeah, that's on my wishlist right now; it's being bought the second I get paid.

[pocketmouse]

OMG, that's terrible. Can you at least take caffeine pills if the coffee won't work, or do those not work either?

[seperis]

Caffeine pills work but they also cause shakiness and aren't quite focusing for very long. I think I metabolize them differnently? Coffee I've used half my life, and I'm wondering if the risk is worth getting the focus for a few hours. Even soda doesn't quite work the same way, and with teh gall bladder, it's iffy on my stomach so I try not to drink much.

But again, I'm looking at Thursday being a disaster workwise or painwise, so I may risk gall bladder revolt if it gets me through work.

[sami]

Damn, that's unspeakably horrible. Your mother is just, no, fucking NO, basically.

I have ADHD too, I know exactly how critical this stuff is, and I know how it is to lose track of stuff and lose count and that's not even in the same universe as hallucinating, how would that even work it's not how hallucinations work AT ALL.

I'm trying to think of suggestions but, yeah, there's not a lot of options for getting these things, they're hyper-controlled.

Though I don't think a police report will make you sound insane. It's not like stealing aspirin, it's stealing a genuinely controlled drug with a street value. And it may be what's needed to make your mother take this shit seriously.

Can your tests on Thursday be postponed, or something? Because this is a disability issue, in a very clear and direct way. You have a cognitive disability, for which you take medication to compensate, your medication was fucking stolen, you will be able to do things when you can get more... I don't know.

If the assignment is an academic thing, academic institutions at least tend to be decent about medical issues. Maybe they at least will be understanding...

[seperis]

Though I don't think a police report will make you sound insane. It's not like stealing aspirin, it's stealing a genuinely controlled drug with a street value. And it may be what's needed to make your mother take this shit seriously.

I'm actually kind of terrified she'll tell teh police I'm crazy. I mean, that is not something like, ten minutes ago I would have believed. Now, I can actually hear her saying it. She's that devoted to my sister beign totally innocent of anything.

I have ADHD too, I know exactly how critical this stuff is, and I know how it is to lose track of stuff and lose count and that's not even in the same universe as hallucinating, how would that even work it's not how hallucinations work AT ALL.

To my mom, there are no illnesses except hers. She is wililng ot believe I need it, but not like need it. I was fine for high school and college! I keep blinking at her because I still have my report cards which have good grades nad constant reports of not turning in things on time and not paying attention and missing supplies and pretty much a laundry list of ADHD problems. I mean, I have issues following directions sometimes, but--it's not necessary. She's a bootstrapper.

Thanks. Another ADHD person chiming in helps a lot. I was kind of trying to logically work out how to explain it in a way that makes sense. Which at this point I'm not sure I even make sense to myself.

[logovo]

Argh! Hallucinating as an explanation? Really? When someone else has stolen medication before? No, just no.

[par_avion]

I only had three left, and I count, and I wasn't running behind by that many but I miscounted, or I took too many, or I'm--

If someone took them now, s/he may have taken some before. Meaning: you may not have miscounted, or taken a double dose.

[ineptshieldmaid]

Oh, shit. :(

*hugs you*

[harpers_child]

do have any sort of locking place where you could keep your medicine? child's toy safe for example. a toolbox you could put a padlock on for another example. meds are important and sometimes the only way we can function.

[lanning]

*hugs you* I grew up with a mother who tried to convince me I was hallucinating. Don't believe your mother. I wish I could help, or at least offer some sensible advice. Hold on, sweetie. I'll be thinking good thoughts.

[blueraccoon]

I have no options to offer at the moment but can completely sympathize. I'm just about out of my schedule two headache pills at the moment because my doctor gave me half my usual prescription for various reasons, but the problem is that insurance won't cover a refill until the end of the month due to the way the last scrip was written, so I'm going on about three weeks of nothing more than Tylenol.

Schedule two medications are the *worst*. I second those below who have suggested a locking pill container, or--what I do--just have them on you at all times. My headache pills live in my purse, but then it's only me and the husband in the house and he won't take them.

[fanofall]

Oh, I am so sorry. I have no ideas but I am offering sympathetic vibes.

[concinnity]

I am sparing you my long and detailed explanation about how the term "bootstrapping" is really a cover for some seriously fucked up ethical values. (But by all means, if you're interested, do let me know! I study this shit for a living! It might make you feel better!?)

((hugs)) instead. I gots no advice on how to get your medication early. But listen - you're not crazy. You're not hallucinating. Shit happens, and it sucks, but it isn't because of *you*.

[cereta]

{{hugs you}} I'm so sorry. I wish I had some advice.

[sanj]

Oh, how absolutely rotten a situation. I'm so sorry.

[(Anonymous)]

When I was in college (and had to have the prescriptions filled by my mother at home because the state that I was going to school at didn't have a reciprocal agreement with the state where I lived), I once misplaced an entire bottle. So I finish up the bottle I was on and go to get the next bottle only to find that what I had thought was the refill bottle was in fact a repurposed bottle (with the label intact still, silly me) which now held Tylenol or something. So I flipped out and contacted my mom (her: "yes, I mailed it to you" me: "ohshit did I throw it out the other day when I was weeding old meds out of my medicine cabinet?!" her: "... maybe this is the one time I'll tell you to tidy less"), the disability office ("yes we'll inform your professors that you will need longer than usual in order to complete your work"), and my doctor ("Let me write you another script"). I don't remember if I was paying out of pocket for the meds at that time or if I was on insurance, either is possible. But I do know I got a new bottle within a week. (Turns out that I hadn't thrown out the original bottle, I'd just put it somewhere really creative and I found it a month or two later.) So you might try asking your doctor and explaining the situation and what you think happened? [Note that while this story did take place in the USA, it was a bit ago, and I wasn't in Texas. I don't know if either of those matter.]

I wish you the best of luck and focus in the meanwhile!

[tazlet]

Can you ask your quack for a 'comparable' drug, something just slightly different or a different dosage--that might go through?

[sage]

oh crap. D:

I would look into getting a 12-day emergency scrip from your doctor's office. I had an ex with ADHD who lost his pills *all the time* and his doc was used to calling in short-term fills to tide him over until his next appt. At which they would inevitably talk about pill management strategies and restricting access to his meds (instead of letting pill bottles roll around the floor of his car for anyone to grab). Which he would inevitably forget about until the next time he lost his meds, because that's the nature of the beast.

Anyway, point is ADHD patients lose their meds (or, these days, have them stolen) all the time. The doctor's office will have some sort of solution because no one wants patients going into cold turkey withdrawal. They'll figure something out.

*sending best hopes*

hi, long time reader, first time commenter

[emef]

If you are very upset, it is not because of a mental illness, it is not because your medication was stolen, is is because your mother is invalidating your emotions.

(Wish you lived in Montreal ; would have known where to get you ritalin. Morally questionable ritalin, but ritalin all the same.)

[tacit]

I wanted to suggest the morally questionable ritalin, too. Do you know a guy who'll know a guy?

Or, less criminally, your doctors surgery should have a system in place for things like this, surely.

Your mother=wrong, btw. Ignore at will.

[amalthia]

Hugs.

[busaikko]

*hugs you real hard*

That is just terrible: like you need to be kicked when you're down. *frowns at your mother*

Can you call your doctor and explain? People *must* lose bottles all the time.

[kiezh]

OMG SHE'S WRONG SHE'S WRONG.

[kiezh]

Um, sorry for shouting. Button got pushed!

People who respond to you saying "Something is wrong!" with "You're crazy and imagining things!" are the ones who have problems with reality. Not you. I get the impression that you have your head mapped out pretty thoroughly, and you are the best judge of your own observations.

That kneejerk response she's doing, where she'd rather undermine your whole world than re-evaluate what she thinks she knows - that is poison I am intimately familiar with, and OMG IT SUCKS. Defend yourself however you can. (Me, I like to repeat "She is not a reliable witness." to myself, which is kind of fighting fire with fire. Call me unreliable? I have evidence and documentation! What does she have, wishful thinking?)

No advice on the meds issue, but much sympathy. I hope you can work something out with the doctor, or delay the tests. :(

[lovelokest]

Ugh, that sucks hardcore. You're not crazy, your mother is refusing to ignore her other daughter stealing your medication and prefers to blame it all on you.

[foursweatervests]

Just as a temporary fix - the school psychologist I work with keeps a refrigerator full of Mountain Dew to give the kids whose parents refuse to medicate them. There's enough caffeine and sugar that they can relax and focus; she swears by it.

Alternately, if you can't drink soda, you can always try caffeine pills ground up in some yogurt.

Obviously this won't help with your current home situation, but it might make it a bit more bearable if you get some kind of calming measure with a Ritalin-substitute.

[monanotlisa]

Jesus Christ, Jenn. Keeping my fingers crossed for some - ANY - solution.

[druidspell]

Here's my question: How upset is too upset, when it's your physical, mental, and emotional health, when it's your trust that's been broken, when it's your ability to do your job and take care of you and your family? *hugs* I wish there was more I could do, but let me echo the others saying that the odds of you hallucinating are astronomical, and the odds of your sister repeating behavior she's shown in the past and your mother being in deep denial are much, much better.

[raphe1]

You could try the 5 hour energy drinks. They only have a limited amount of caffiene and they really seem to work. :::HUG::: A police report is not crazy. Some doctors require them for early refills of controlled substances that are lost. And you might ask your doctor to refill early if this is the first time it has happened. They just have to note medication lost and that this is a replacement. Doctors get suspicious if it happens a lot but worth a try. And the lock box is a good idea.

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

You are in the midst of a serious health crisis and what sounds like a stressful time at work. Having had my mom tell me I was overreacting to some really major ordeals (that I was NOT overreacting to), I say disregard her opinion. Illness can contribute to depression, so keep that in mind.

Your sister has a history of taking medication that is not hers. Simplest option is usually the right one. My mother thinks the cleaning lady's helper has stolen jewelry every time she can't find anything, then lo! A few days later she discovers the earrings someplace she normally doesn't put them. It's like the opposite impulse for your mom. Deny deny deny.

Have you ever tried Red Bull? Or some of those no-calorie energy drinks that are like concentrated caffeine? Do they trigger your digestive revolt?

Alternatively, muddle through. In the midst of major PMS-induced exhaustion, combined with what turned out to be a terrible vitamin D shortage, I still managed to deal with major work projects that required serious thought.

I bet others will have better ideas on how to get through without ritalin, though. LJ is canny that way.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

My mother is currently denying she ever caught my sister stealing medication while me and my dad both talked over hiding places. It's--her reality is very strange.

Have you ever tried Red Bull? Or some of those no-calorie energy drinks that are like concentrated caffeine? Do they trigger your digestive revolt?

It does, but I have painkillers and a couple of medications for that. If it comes to it, I can run to the store and grab one and just deal with teh consequences when I get home. Which with my mother, will doubtless be proof of serious mental illness or something. I'm just blanking on how to handle any of this.