this is not a level of denial i've witnessed before

So my Ritalin vanished again. Literally.



This time, I just cried while tearing apart my room (again), because every time, somehow, it's that I miscounted, or I forgot where I put it, or most recently, my mother says maybe I should get counseling because I was just too upset and I did fine before it so why wouldn't I be fine now? Or possibly that I am hallucinating. That's new. That's the newest and most interesting excuse as to why if my medication isn't carefully hidden, it vanishes. I'm hallucinating.

I--have no idea what to say to that. I mean, at this point, the preferable answer, the answer she believes is her eldest daughter is having hallucinations of putting it one place is more believable than someone in this house is taking it is kind of terrifying to me.

I can't get a refill until a week from Friday. I only had three left, and I count, and I wasn't running behind by that many but I miscounted, or I took too many, or I'm--hallucinating--but I had three left and I left them under some clothes by accident on the recliner in my room. I'm going to have a three day withdrawal headache and I have a major build this week at work and I am fucked over for Thursday when I really needed them because I have a ton of tests and I wrote them and they are complicated and I can't do those like this.

I don't know what to do. There is no early refill on a schedule two. It's a fucking federally controlled substance, a triplicate without refills that have to be hand carried to a pharmacist. My doctor will not, cannot, give it to me twelve days (eleven days?) early. Maybe two days early, or three, but not that many. I can report it to the police, which won't get me an early refill and a police report will in fact look insane. I can't drink coffee for teh caffeine for a little better short term focus, tea doesn't work well for me and I can't get it to espresso level anyway no matter how hard I seep it.

My mother would rather think I had a mental disease serious enough to cause hallucinations, or that I'm lying, than even consider the idea that my sister, who has stolen medication before, in a family where our hydrocodone vanishes regularly, might have possibly, possibly taken it.

I have twelve days, maybe ten days, until I can get a refill, I have a major assignment on Thursday when I'm smack in the middle of a migraine-like withdrawal headache, I have no extra leave to I can take even if I could get away with that because of my gall bladder, and my mother thinks I'm mentally ill that causes either hallucinations or pathological lying.

Okay, at this point in my life, I need some options and I'm not seeing any. I mean, I'm worried that she could convince me I'm crazy. She says I've been too depressed and too unhappy and now I'm too upset about this and I was just too upset. I will honestly say until now, it never occurred to me that I could be seriously mentally ill; now I can't get it out of my head, even though I'm going to say I'm pretty sure that kind of thing tends to be more general than whether or not I'm missing ritalin. That woudl be one fucking special mental illness.

And I still have twelve days until a refill and no options.

Comments

[sami]

Damn, that's unspeakably horrible. Your mother is just, no, fucking NO, basically.

I have ADHD too, I know exactly how critical this stuff is, and I know how it is to lose track of stuff and lose count and that's not even in the same universe as hallucinating, how would that even work it's not how hallucinations work AT ALL.

I'm trying to think of suggestions but, yeah, there's not a lot of options for getting these things, they're hyper-controlled.

Though I don't think a police report will make you sound insane. It's not like stealing aspirin, it's stealing a genuinely controlled drug with a street value. And it may be what's needed to make your mother take this shit seriously.

Can your tests on Thursday be postponed, or something? Because this is a disability issue, in a very clear and direct way. You have a cognitive disability, for which you take medication to compensate, your medication was fucking stolen, you will be able to do things when you can get more... I don't know.

If the assignment is an academic thing, academic institutions at least tend to be decent about medical issues. Maybe they at least will be understanding...

[seperis]

Though I don't think a police report will make you sound insane. It's not like stealing aspirin, it's stealing a genuinely controlled drug with a street value. And it may be what's needed to make your mother take this shit seriously.

I'm actually kind of terrified she'll tell teh police I'm crazy. I mean, that is not something like, ten minutes ago I would have believed. Now, I can actually hear her saying it. She's that devoted to my sister beign totally innocent of anything.

I have ADHD too, I know exactly how critical this stuff is, and I know how it is to lose track of stuff and lose count and that's not even in the same universe as hallucinating, how would that even work it's not how hallucinations work AT ALL.

To my mom, there are no illnesses except hers. She is wililng ot believe I need it, but not like need it. I was fine for high school and college! I keep blinking at her because I still have my report cards which have good grades nad constant reports of not turning in things on time and not paying attention and missing supplies and pretty much a laundry list of ADHD problems. I mean, I have issues following directions sometimes, but--it's not necessary. She's a bootstrapper.

Thanks. Another ADHD person chiming in helps a lot. I was kind of trying to logically work out how to explain it in a way that makes sense. Which at this point I'm not sure I even make sense to myself.

[sami]

Any time you need support on the Life With ADHD front, drop me a line. And, hey, if you want the perspective of someone who knows intimately what it's like to be around someone with ADHD and, as a non-sufferer, can nonetheless vouch UTTERLY for how VITAL the medication is, velithya lives with me and my ADHD and is pretty damn serious about how I must have my medication, I must take it, and if anyone stole my medication she would SMITE THEM AS WITH THE WRATH OF GOD.

The way that has helped me adjust to this stuff, conceptually, is to think of it in terms of cognitive disability. Whenever I've been struggling with "but I should just be able to do this stuff IF I TRY", that whole bootstrap thing that I had thrown at me too, she's brought up an analogy that goes something like this:

"Okay, let's say that there's a five-mile walk that everyone has to take. Everyone. Now, most people are fine, they're just walking, but there's one person who's got a broken leg. Should they just suck it up and TRY HARDER? After all, everyone ELSE can walk just fine..."

In the cognitive function walking world, we have... maybe not a broken leg, maybe just a sprained ankle. If we try to walk like everyone else does, it's agonisingly painful, we limp, we hobble, and we might fall over.

Medication is like getting a good ankle brace and a walking stick. With it, we can keep up, the pain is totally manageable, and we're okay.

If some asshole steals our walking sticks unexpectedly we're going to fall over and it's going to hurt and we have every right to be pissed.

[mecurtin]

She's that devoted to my sister beign totally innocent of anything

Is this the sister who was ... living under a bridge? you were afraid was going to be living under a bridge? or something?

It's the kind of thing that makes me absolutely terrified that I'm a mother, because I can see that good intentions don't prevent moms from fucking up astronomically.

Now, it's true that I (definitely not ADHD) get incredibly forgetful when I'm under one-quarter the amount of stress you've been under lately. Both short-term and long-term go to hell, I stagger around in an anxious scatterbrained fog. So if it were me in your situation, the "I lost my mind and have no idea what I've done" explanation would be very reasonable. For you, I'm sure the whole thing is much worse.

Were you using your pill minder?

If nothing else works, you might be able to beg a pill at a time from friends.

[watersword]

I would be willing to bet actual physical cash money that the police have dealt with similar cases before — family members stealing drugs and other family members being in denial and whatnot — and will not automatically believe your mom, if that's your concern.

[fyrdrakken]

Agreed with watersword's comment in particular -- and more to the point, if things in the future did get to the point where your mother was telling the cops you were crazy while you were making a more serious accusation against your sister, it's sometimes important to have an established paper trail.