this is not a level of denial i've witnessed before

So my Ritalin vanished again. Literally.



This time, I just cried while tearing apart my room (again), because every time, somehow, it's that I miscounted, or I forgot where I put it, or most recently, my mother says maybe I should get counseling because I was just too upset and I did fine before it so why wouldn't I be fine now? Or possibly that I am hallucinating. That's new. That's the newest and most interesting excuse as to why if my medication isn't carefully hidden, it vanishes. I'm hallucinating.

I--have no idea what to say to that. I mean, at this point, the preferable answer, the answer she believes is her eldest daughter is having hallucinations of putting it one place is more believable than someone in this house is taking it is kind of terrifying to me.

I can't get a refill until a week from Friday. I only had three left, and I count, and I wasn't running behind by that many but I miscounted, or I took too many, or I'm--hallucinating--but I had three left and I left them under some clothes by accident on the recliner in my room. I'm going to have a three day withdrawal headache and I have a major build this week at work and I am fucked over for Thursday when I really needed them because I have a ton of tests and I wrote them and they are complicated and I can't do those like this.

I don't know what to do. There is no early refill on a schedule two. It's a fucking federally controlled substance, a triplicate without refills that have to be hand carried to a pharmacist. My doctor will not, cannot, give it to me twelve days (eleven days?) early. Maybe two days early, or three, but not that many. I can report it to the police, which won't get me an early refill and a police report will in fact look insane. I can't drink coffee for teh caffeine for a little better short term focus, tea doesn't work well for me and I can't get it to espresso level anyway no matter how hard I seep it.

My mother would rather think I had a mental disease serious enough to cause hallucinations, or that I'm lying, than even consider the idea that my sister, who has stolen medication before, in a family where our hydrocodone vanishes regularly, might have possibly, possibly taken it.

I have twelve days, maybe ten days, until I can get a refill, I have a major assignment on Thursday when I'm smack in the middle of a migraine-like withdrawal headache, I have no extra leave to I can take even if I could get away with that because of my gall bladder, and my mother thinks I'm mentally ill that causes either hallucinations or pathological lying.

Okay, at this point in my life, I need some options and I'm not seeing any. I mean, I'm worried that she could convince me I'm crazy. She says I've been too depressed and too unhappy and now I'm too upset about this and I was just too upset. I will honestly say until now, it never occurred to me that I could be seriously mentally ill; now I can't get it out of my head, even though I'm going to say I'm pretty sure that kind of thing tends to be more general than whether or not I'm missing ritalin. That woudl be one fucking special mental illness.

And I still have twelve days until a refill and no options.

Comments

[mecurtin]

She's that devoted to my sister beign totally innocent of anything

Is this the sister who was ... living under a bridge? you were afraid was going to be living under a bridge? or something?

It's the kind of thing that makes me absolutely terrified that I'm a mother, because I can see that good intentions don't prevent moms from fucking up astronomically.

Now, it's true that I (definitely not ADHD) get incredibly forgetful when I'm under one-quarter the amount of stress you've been under lately. Both short-term and long-term go to hell, I stagger around in an anxious scatterbrained fog. So if it were me in your situation, the "I lost my mind and have no idea what I've done" explanation would be very reasonable. For you, I'm sure the whole thing is much worse.

Were you using your pill minder?

If nothing else works, you might be able to beg a pill at a time from friends.