seperis | think of this as a way to discover your hidden talents!

Right.

Earthquake in Acapulco, so we have disease and disaster, let's wait for famine. I am placing twenty on locusts, and have started my pre-Thunderdome preparations, which is to make a list of lots of techopunk and post-apocalyptic movies to see what we're up against and what I should be looking forward to. Do we think Bladerunner could be a potential model? If anyone says "A Handmaid's Tale", we are not speaking again.

I have a feeling no one will be attractive covered in dirt and barbed wire, but you know, my standards doubtless will lower once the New Dark Ages come. They'll probably be something like "So how are you with building network accessible caves?" and "Can you hunt because I can't and that's just how it is."

The World Health Organization has raised the alert to DEATH TO ALL CTHULHU DELIVER US, though they are cleverly couching it in less inflammatory terms. Though I do appreciate that last line intoning about the last two great pandemics of 1968 and 1918. Because let me tell you, that is what I need to read right now.

Also, the US is under a public health emergency now. And right now over Texas, there are dark clouds and rain. Possibly these are related. Cthulhu is not pleased.

Okay, does anyone but me keep looking at their conveniently handy copy of The Stand and want to alert anyone who dreams of a.) Scary White Guy or b.) Magical Black Woman to please post immediately? Also, don't go to the Scary White Guy. I mean, in no book ever does that end well.

For current references on the sloping shape of darkness on the horizon like some kind of slow motion George Romero zombie movie, Death Map of Death. Go to the left column, click on check none, then cleck influenza, and stare in wonder at the marvels of technology that brings us the shape of our fate.

You may or may not know that a.) I slept really badly last night and b.) I had a very long day at work. I cannot say I would prefer my future life in a tent city fighting viciously for the last orange and shiving anyone who tries to get my network connection while I'm downloading the last known copy of Dr. Who, but I will say there is a sort of brightness in never having to return to work again.

So, to drag this out again--Your Post Apocalyptic Personal Ad, for when civilization falls. What skill sets are you looking for in a mate (group, commune, unit, etc) at the end of the world, and what can you offer in return? Yes, sex is completely acceptable.

I just needed to tell you, your Daily Updates From The Apocalypse are becoming some of my very favorite things. HEE. I will almost be sad when the great pandemic happens (or, you know, more likely doesn't, despite that strangely desperately hopeful gleam in that CNN anchor's eyes), because it means no more Cthulhu!

Now I have to go read The Stand again. Last time I read that book, it was flu season in New York and I was reading it on the subway, and every tubercular cough made me jump a MILE. Great. I can't wait.

(Have you seen "The Postman?" Not the Oscar-winning Italian movie, the one with Kevin Costner. My first plan post-apocalypse is going to involve starting a Pony Express. It'll be fun!)

edited at: Date: 2009-04-27 10:52 pm (UTC)

Whoops, forgot the end part.

Wanted: Male companion for post-apocalyptic companionship and good times. Must have good knees, immunity to the Great Plague, MacGuyver-level ingeneuity, and the ability to quip dryly while handling a sawed-off shotgun. John McClane, here's looking at you, kid!

In return, I offer my brand-new Pony Express idea (we'll make a killing, and I even already have the ponies!). Hey baby. Wanna repopulate the planet?

Wanted: John Sheppard. Deluxe edition. Comes with Kung-fu grip and extra super duper survival skills. That often involve being shirtless. Will offer back massages, random information and a collection of opioids that would make a junkie salivate.

You can't have him, he's mine.

Though I might be willing to share. Maybe.

I'd settle for a discounted Ralph aka the guy in The Stand who knew how to fix a toaster. Him or Stu.

need Rodney too. We'll need tech and engineering skills too. Plus, Rodney has weapons training now.

In all honesty, Ronon's probably got a better skill set in terms of ultimate survival.

What skill sets are you looking for in a mate (group, commune, unit, etc) at the end of the world, and what can you offer in return? Yes, sex is completely acceptable.

Ideally and in a fictional character:

Wanted Methos because man has survived previous collapses of civilisation, probably knows how to make beer from hops, definitely knows how to cultivate land and may know where to steal solar panels from.

Willing to offer: Aside from culinary skills and companionship I'll happily offer sex. And bookshself space for his diaries.

I'm looking for the hot red haired chick. Granted, the death rate near Alice is pretty high, but given how few people survived tot he end of the Resident Evil movies, my chances with her are still higher than without.

...I want you to know that I read the first sentence and assumed you meant War.

No proximity save there - everybody dies around her. Though I could go hide behind Pepper. Adam would shield her and I might limp away.

That would be why I was confused!

That is actually an incredibly good plan. Just don't call her anything other than Pepper.

Though I do appreciate that last line intoning about the last two great pandemics of 1968 and 1918.

Yes, tell us about how millions of people died. That'll keep folks from panicking.

I was thinking rain of toads. But yeah, it seems like poor Mexico is being smote.

And also yes, do not do not go to the black magic woman or creepy white guy. ::shudders::

I read a very interesting little book yesterday called "The Demon in the Freezer," which is about smallpox and how it was eradicated and yet, we still hold onto samples of it because what if someone else still has some and we need an antidote.

Never mind that if someone has it and knows what they are doing, they can create a virus that rips though previously immune's system like tissue paper. But my point is; it could be worse. It could be smallpox. We'd be totally and completely screwed if it was smallpox.

Based on today's weather, I'm very, very concerned about the possibility of "Waterworld." Look, I'm willing to offer the myriad skills taught to me by the merchant marine, but if Kevin Costner shows up, 17 years of swimming ribbons and three water polo national championships will not stand in the way of me drowning myself. But if you like, I will teach you how to cook me after.

I already have bugs! Earwigs are taking over CA! Really! Yuck!

I'm an accountant! In The Stand those were the people who either died because of being too dumb to figure stuff like out how not to die in a walk in fridge or ended up in Vegas with the Walking Dude.

I declare there will be no apocalypse until I acquire a better set of survival skills.

I agree with person above: Methos. He can probably knap flint, for god's sake. If not him, then MacGyver. Can offer gardening skills, two small dogs for guarding/alarm purposes, and quite a stash of canned and otherwise preserved goods. I think we could hold out for quite a while chez Pouncer.

Nation of Israel - Check.
7 year treaty with Israel (Daniel 9:27) - Only if the EU is being led by the antichrist
Terrible Wars - Africa. Middle East. Check.
Famines - China (1960s) Africa (Always) Rice Shortage Last Year. Technically a check? Depends on wide spread the famines are supposed to be.
Plagues - SARS, Avian Flu, SWINE flu. Check.
Natural disasters - No Duh Check.
Rhe four horsemen of the apocalypse - Haven't seen them. But then again it's a big planet.

HOWEVER: The rapture (1 Corinthians 3:11-15) - Either it hasn't happened or there exist no no true believers. Uh... unless all the true believers were killed in which case, WWI and WWII, check.

Crap. We're doomed.

=P I meant most of this in jest.

Are we sure that these aren't signs of the Apocalypse? I mean we narrowly avoided any such happenings when the world's clocks turned to 2000....Maybe we really need the Winchesters...especially Dean. Sam too but definitely DEAN Winchester! It may just be that because all of those seals are opening the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse are nigh.....and we know that Death/Methos is only semi-reformed....Grab your cans of salt, ladies and gentlemen these may very well be the end of days.

*has already sharpened the cutlass under her pillow in preparation for the zombie hordes*

Wanted: Female Methos. Or, you know, Methos, I'm sure we can all share. Must also be willing to rescue my best friend and her companion of choice.

Can offer: Storytelling and ability to follow instructions for not dying in the post-apocalyptic world. Also, the ability to cook delicious vegetarian foods. Failing all of that, female companionship.

I'd ask for the Doctor, but we know how well that usually turns out.

Before this apocalypse, I need to remember to get a copy of this (http://www.topatoco.com/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=TO&Product_Code=QW-CHEATSHEET-PRINT&Category_Code=QW). It will be a cheat sheet for the future, not just the past, and will vastly add to my offered skills.

DON'T PANIC. Have you got your towel?

Clearly this calls for a modification of my zombie apocalypse plan, but a few minor tweaks, and I think that it'll be good to go. However, if that woman from 28 Days Later would want to come with anyway, I think that she would be just as useful in a plague situation and she was in a zombie apocalypse. After all, zombies are effectively giant shambling bacteria.

A more general version of my previous ad:

ME: SF with hunting, demolition, and chemistry skills; martial arts, weapons, and extensive first aid training. Defensible, arable lands w/ multiple weapons caches.
YOU: Sarah Conner, Ellen Ripley, or Sam Carter. Kids and dogs are great. Male SO is acceptable, but will not be breeding with me; manual release of "tension" is it.
Any religious nutjobs, quislings, empire-builders, or cannibals will be summarily turned into fertilizer.

I really hope I don't need this.

So, um, I'm finding it very hard to get worked up about this flu. Especially after talking at length with the epidemiologist in my lab today.

However! Your Death Flu of Death updates are extremely amusing. Thank you.

So you don't want to know that there's usually a round of locusts come May? Or that there's already flooding too! Don't forget the flooding a few weeks ago in Fargo! Or the doubtless drought that always hit these parts around July!

Just helping with that whole sleeping thing, really.

Also, someone so needs to create a new listing for the WHO warnings, with Cthulhu on top.

My husband and I think you should watch Tank Girl and A Boy and His Dog for inspiration on how it will be...

(I was also doing a Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse tally. :|)

I figure I'll wait until it hits Waco before I head for the bunker. 'Cause Chtulu will probably stop of at the Czech stop in West to get some kolachis and I'll have a few minutes to gather the laptop, some canned goods and my DVD box sets.

Think there's an app on iPhone for this?

Also: I wonder just what that ZOMGAPOKALIPSFLEW twitter at http://healthmap.org/en is all about? I'm almost intrigued enough to follow it.

10:04 Skin rotting off! This can't be good.
10:54 Brains suddenly sounding very good for dinner.
12:02 I can't believe Chad didn't call me last night! What a loser. Being dead is no excuse.
1:34 Going to check on hidden gas and weapons cache in basement. BRB

\o/

Hey, I refuse to panic until Kareem Abdul Jabbar confronts me about the Dark Man.

Everytime I cough I'm reminded of watching "Outbreak" in a theater and, while choking on a piece of candy, having a monstrous coughing fit, right during the "spreading the infection at the movie theater" scene. Ah, good times.

I WANT YOU!

I'm looking for a few good men!

The Zombie Apocalypse is nigh. Civilization as we know it is over.
Skills that might have once put you on the fringes of society are now in high demand.

Can you ride a pale horse? Swing an enchanted sword?
Kill helicopters with a car?
Wrestle an FBI director one-handed? Build a muscle car from the frame up?
Fight crazed clowns clad in a cowl and cape? Take on heaven and hell with a shotgun and a box of salt?
Kill a man with hors d'oeurves?

We're a perfect match!

I've got the bunker, you've got the skills. You provide the non-irradiated rabbits, I'll provide the validation for your life choices.
Taken a few low blows for your situational morality in the past? Phhhht! I'll love you just the way you are!

Be one of the few, the proud, the Vyola Harem!

APPLY NOW! POSITIONS ARE FILLING UP FAST!

In other words, I can't decide so I'll take 'em all. Methos, Arthur, Krycek, John Mclane, Dom&Brian, Bruce Wayne, the Winchester boys, Eliot Spencer....

I for one am looking forward to the high concentration of rugged men who happen to look AWESOME while dirty in the upcoming distopia.

Every single movie has promised me this. Plus they should be all kick ass too.

See, bright side!

YES, THIS!

MODERN MEDIA WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME!

After reading your post this morning, I spent all day looking up info on this Swine Flu. I hadn't heard about it before! I am now looking around my house to see if it is suitable for the inevitable apocalypse.

Wanted: the entire cast of Criminal Minds.

Pretty, competent, heavily armed, pre-acclimated to violence and trauma, strong team management skills, broad and eclectic knowledge base, Linux geekery, childcare experience, willingness to flying-tackle anything that moves, good gender balance, really did I mention the pretty... I think that covers it.

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If you don't send me feedback, I will sob uncontrollably for hours on end, until finally, in a fit of depression, I slash my wrists and bleed out on the bathroom floor. My death will be on your heads. Murderers
. -- Unknown, on feedback
BTS List
That's why he goes bad, you know -- all the good people hit him on the head or try to shoot him and constantly mistrust him, while there's this vast cohort of minions saying, We wouldn't hurt you, Lex, and we'll give you power and greatness and oh so much sex...
Wow. That was scary. Lex is like Jesus in the desert.
-- pricklyelf, on why Lex goes bad
LJ
Obi-Wan has a sort of desperate, pathetic patience in this movie. You can just see it in his eyes: "My padawan is a psychopath, and no one will believe me; I'm barely keeping him under control and expect to wake up any night now to find him standing over my bed with a knife!"
-- Teague, reviewing "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones"
LJ
Beth: god, why do i have so many beads?
Jenn: Because you are an addict.
Jenn: There are twelve step programs for this.
Beth: i dunno they'd work, might have to go straight for the electroshock.
Jenn: I'm not sure that helps with bead addiction.
Beth: i was thinking more to demagnitize my credit card.
-- hwmitzy and seperis, on bead addiction
AIM, 12/24/2003
I could rape a goat and it will DIE PRETTIER than they write.
-- anonymous, on terrible writing
AIM, 2/17/2004
In medical billing there is a diagnosis code for someone who commits suicide by sea anenemoe.
-- silverkyst, on wtf
AIM, 3/25/2004
Anonymous: sorry. i just wanted to tell you how much i liked you. i'd like to take this to a higher level if you're willing
Eleveninches: By higher level I hope you mean email.
-- eleveninches and anonymous, on things that are disturbing
LJ, 4/2/2004
silverkyst: I need to not be taking molecular genetics.
silverkyst: though, as a sidenote, I did learn how to eviscerate a fruit fly larvae by pulling it's mouth out by it's mouthparts today.
silverkyst: I'm just nowhere near competent in the subject material to be taking it.
Jenn: I'd like to thank you for that image.
-- silverkyst and seperis, on more wtf
AIM, 1/25/2005
You know, if obi-wan had just disciplined the boy *properly* we wouldn't be having these problems. Can't you just see yoda? "Take him in hand, you must. The true Force, you must show him."
-- Issaro, on spanking Anakin in his formative years
LJ, 3/15/2005
Aside from the fact that one person should never go near another with a penis, a bottle of body wash, and a hopeful expression...
-- Summerfling, on shower sex
LJ, 7/22/2005
It's weird, after you get used to the affection you get from a rabbit, it's like any other BDSM relationship. Only without the sex and hot chicks in leather corsets wielding floggers. You'll grow to like it.
-- revelininsanity, on my relationship with my rabbit
LJ, 2/7/2006
Smudged upon the near horizon, lapine shadows in the mist. Like a doomsday vision from Watership Down, the bunny intervention approaches.
-- cpt_untouchable, on my addition of The Fourth Bunny
LJ, 4/13/2006
Rule 3. Chemistry is kind of like bondage. Some people like it, some people like reading about or watching other people doing it, and a large number of people's reaction to actually doing the serious stuff is to recoil in horror.
-- deadlychameleon, on class
LJ, 9/1/2007
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Fan Fiction is John Cusack standing outside your house with a boombox.
-- JRDSkinner, on fanfiction
Twitter
I will unashamedly and unapologetically celebrate the joy and the warmth and the creativity of a community of people sharing something positive and beautiful and connective and if you don’t like it you are most welcome to very fuck off.
-- Michael Sheen, on Good Omens fanfic
Twitter, 6/19/2019
Adding for Mastodon.
-- Jenn, traceback
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