oh spam, you hurt me

Spam Reports

I've taken a philosophical approach to spam in the last few years; instead of looking upon it as a clogging waste of my bandwidth and space, instead, I gaze upon it as a virtual finger, if you will, on important topics I should be watching for. While some might be, oh, petty, we all have to remember that without spam, we never ever would have truly understood the power and artistic merit of the Paris Hilton sex video.

So. Examining my filter.

Spam One
Computer Software

My Reaction
While I appreciate the convenience of being emailed on software I cannot live without, and the unbound creativity symbolized by your non-Webster spelling choices, I think for now I'll continue my crazy idea of getting my software from places I can be relatively sure will not cause my computer to die, die, die a tragic, blue death of dieness. Kthx.

Spam Two
Russian language spam

My Reaction
I do feel bad for them; I just don't see a huge segment of people outside Russia who have achieved sufficient Russian fluency to leap, leap, leap for small penis ads in the Cyrillic alphabet. I kind of want to email them one day and get a translation, though. It's a mystery forever; what did it say? Was it Paris? Was it penis implants? Was it important stock info? I will never know.

Note to spammers: try Spanish. I am pretty sure I can identify all genitalia in Spanish on sight.

Spam Three
Penis/Breast/Body Part enlargement

My Reaction
Seriously. Have you read anything on asstr.org, mcstories, or nifty? Those are the people you need to talk to. Try the Gay: Authoritarian and MCStories: Growth of Body Parts. I'm pretty sure that section alone turned off any desire I would ever have to do any kind of change to any part of my body ever. One minute, you are getting breast enlargement: the next, you are a Thai hooker with ladymales because your husband is evil.

(Seriously. So recommended. If nothing else, it is always fun to look in shock upon grammar of Babelfish translation quality and be awed that fandom can write about Clark's glowing self-lubing ass and penis and *still* come out ahead in quality. Also educational.)

(oh, please, like most of you don't have it bookmarked.)

And...that is all. No wait.

Thank you to whoever sent the virtual gift! Turkey! ADORABLENESS TIMES FIVE!

Comments

[that_mireille]

Oh god. So with you on the nifty.org point--it does make you think, "wow. that fic really isn't THAT bad. At least Lex didn't get turned into a woman whose breasts got larger every time s/he swallows semen, for which s/he has an insatiable hunger." [YES I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE.]

(And alt.sex.stories was one of the first things I found on USENET. This explains a lot.)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I love it. It's not even a guilty pleasure anymore; I totally own up to my fascination.

wow. that fic really isn't THAT bad. At least Lex didn't get turned into a woman whose breasts got larger every time s/he swallows semen, for which s/he has an insatiable hunger

I READ THAT ONE! Or one of them, I think. I just got through with a forcible diapering saga that just--no words.

One day, I am so doing a locked post and make everyone own up to their favorites off asstr. Seriously.

[that_mireille]

I... it was years ago I read that fic. IT IS STILL BURNED INTO MY MIND.

I don't read a lot on asstr.org, or nifty, or anywhere else. Not out of shame, but because my Fic To Read pile is huge enough as it is.

But I have read there, and OMG it does make you appreciate fanfic.

[gweneiriol.livejournal.com]

asstr.org

OMG! I thought I was the only one traumatized by lobotomized by horrified yet fascinated like a deer in a headlight sort of way who ever read this site!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*grins* Yes. Yes. Yes. I totally own to it. It's--once you go in and dip a toe, you are stained for life. And totally addicted.

[gweneiriol.livejournal.com]

You are addicted! Like, if you're having a bad day? You think, "I'll just go read something at asstr.org and TOTALLY realize I don't have it as bad as the twins who are forced to have sex with each other by their fourth grade teacher...who just happens to be their father's mother's sister AND their father's mother...all while their father's fixing supper for The Clan."

*despairs that fic will NEVER leave my mind*

[anatsuno.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I'd completely forgotten about mcstories, which I LOVE for serious with an unholy erotic passion. THANK YOU, you just like, revived my flagging solitary sex life. Or, something.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

If fandom has done nothing else for me, it totally wiped any shame I have about what I find hot in fiction.

Seriously. I need to get people to rec me their favorites one day; both the stuff that's hot and the stuff so horrific it causes giggles and/or gagging.

*happy place*

[djinanna.livejournal.com]

1/ Firefox has manymanymany things to translate things from one thingee to another thingee, where thingee stands in for various languages. Take THAT, Russian sex-spam!

2/ I know not these sites you mention. I will NOT curiousity-google them. NOT. N-O-T NOT. DON'T WANT!!!!

3/ What about Clark's elongating tentacle of lurve???

[seperis.livejournal.com]

2/ you are totally googling right now. Give in.

[ratcreature]

I just don't see a huge segment of people outside Russia who have achieved sufficient Russian fluency to leap, leap, leap for small penis ads in the Cyrillic alphabet.

Hmm, there is the whole ex-soviet block though. Okay, by now many don't teach Russian as first foreign language anymore, but still, it's an official language in some like e.g. in Kyrgyzstan, and even when not still a lot of peoople may speak like in the Ukraine, where only Ukrainian is official. Also, many languages use the Cyrillic alphabet, and considering that "penis" is basically the same word in English as in German and French for example, and Slavic languages are closely related too and some use Cyrillic, maybe they can decipher penis ads in Russian anyway?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Point. And it might not be Russian--it could be one of the other Cyrillic languages, true.

*ponders*

[cjandre.livejournal.com]

I'll have you know, Clark's glowing penis is of the HIGHEST science ficition literary standards!

As well as his glowing everything else.

And Lex's.

Cause it was PRETTY, DAMMIT!

And I also want to point out that I know you discussing the amazingly engorged genitalia topic JUST because you aren't on the child's computer anymore and you want to show off that you can once again address off color topics.

Of course, I have no complaints since I like this about you.

:-)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Hey, I loved your glowy story!

...but there are others. *shudders*

And yes. Exactly. I can be racy now.

[niqaeli]

*squints* I am pretty sure my fiance reads a couple of stories hosted on asstr.org. But I've glanced at them and they've been of actual readable quality, at least--and most of them apparently have plots and shit like that.

I love how if you google up any erotic fiction site, really, their incest section? Makes Supernatural and Numb3rs fandom, even the wackiest craziest of us 'cesters, look perfectly sane and normal.

[thaide15.livejournal.com]

I'm not really sure why you want to get a translation of Russian spam - after all, most of them were translated from English in the first place. Although, come to think of it, there are some cultural peculiarities... Actually, it could be interesting to research. Might mention it to one of my student-friends, who still unsure about they thesis theme. They scientific advisers would be thrilled.

Anyway, if you really want to know what was that (or any other) spam about, I could help you with that. Or maybe.... I don't know... write you some kind of Russian genitalia's glossary? Short version.

P.S. "Penis" will be "пенис" in Russian. Pronunciation is identical.