because summaries amuse me

Have you ever noticed, when someone is trying to describe a fanfic story they read and want to find again, that it usually sounds absolutely ridiculous? Every time someone says "I'm looking for this fic where blah blah blah happens", I wince, because even if your name is Debchan, Pru, or Te, the story still sounds freaking bizarre when described.

Anytime you try to distill something down to below twenty words, something's gotta give, but I've noticed it gets worse when it just keeps *going*. And you read the summary and think, oh God, that sucks, who would *write* that and then, like, an hour later, someone says "Ah, it's X's story Classic Fic #1" and you pretty much just choke.

Someitmes, you get as far as the hemlock when you realize, Christ, that's *your* story.

So. Test your SV knowledge. See if you recognize these fics. See if you recognize *your* fic.

Disclaimer: We like these stories. We love these stories. We *rec* these stories. We might have even written these stories. We chose them pretty randomly. It scares me I actually have to write this, but there we go.

seperis, rageprufrock, and cjandre collaborated in the atrocity. It was fun.

1. The story where Clark and Lex glow whenever they have orgasms, but only if Clark's knees are tickled.



2. So, like, after the season finale? Clark is all, OMG RED METEOR ROCK -- what do you mean it's call Kryptonite? U R SOU KRAZEEE -- and Lex is all DROWN. But then like, NOTHING happens for like sixteen bajillion pages and Clark gets back home and is all DOOM and Lex is all STILL DROWNED. And then nothing happens.



3. It's the first season and Clark and Lex play a really weird drinking game and then have sex with, like, no lube. Or really *little* lube. And then sort of angst, but not really.



4. The one with the Greek myths and the meteor shower in the garden



5. So like, in teh future Lex is all OMG I'm the PRESIDENT after he went all homeland security code red when the aliens hit. And like, he and Clark are all NOT A THING anymore cause Clark was like SKI TRIP LOBOTOMY HAHA and then Lex was like SHIT WOMAN -- DUMPS YOUR ASS. But then Superman is all OMG OVAL OFFICE BLOWJOBS. WE R SOU MONICA!!1! and Lex is all DAMN and they are like OMG BACK TOGETHER MFEO.



6. Clark, like, watches Lex sleep, and people die when he does, and it's really, really creepy.



7. There's like, two Lexes, and both of them like Clark but only one of them is real and they call the ship Bessie and stuff, and it's soooo cool.



8. Okay, so Clark's on meteor rock and he and Lex have like, lots of sex, and it's really rough, and Lex is okay with that except he's not, and he's kind of all banged up, and Martha's really, really nice to him afterward and stuff.



9. Clark woke up and didn't want to be gay AND an alien, and it broke him.



10. Clark has to get fucked or he is in serious pain.



11. The one where Clark has to raises his egg all by himself.



12. The one where Lex goes completely crazy and wears this kryptonite bracelet that controls Clark and is all nice to Lionel and stuff and then decides that being crazy is okay. I think.



13. OK, so Clark's like OLD now. And he's like, losing his powers and stuff and then ALL OMG CAR CRASH. But then Lex is like OMG BOYFRIEND R U ALRIGHT OMG??!1! And Clark is like WTF but there's this girl and a biting fish and some baseball and stuff. Then they have sex. and OMG CLARK CALLS HIS MOM FROM BED HAHA WHAT A DORK!!1!



14. Lionel dies, Lex gets really pissy, and Clark has to babysit him.



15. Lex totally disappears and Clark finds him living in a village. They talk alot. Also? Lex is dying. And they have sex.



16. Clark and Lex get in a car. And have sex. A lot. Oh, and sleep. But mostly have sex. AND OMG THERE IS A BOUNCY ROOM THING AT A FAIR! And then an ocean, AND MORE SEX.



17. OMG SO THERE'S WEED -- and then Clark and Lex have SEX. A LOT. ON A FLOOR. And then ON A COUCH. And BUY PEANUT BUTTER. And then HAVE SEX. And then HAVE MORE SEX.



18. Okay, they have a car accident and then there are these killer cows, then Clark and Lex have sex. And then get weird. And then they talk. And make out a little.



19. OK, so there was this chick who wrote this fic, right? And it's all about Clark and Lex being all *BUTTSEX* in the future. But then Clark's all OMG IM NOT GONNA DIE (whiny bitch) and then he's all OMG *RUINS LEX'S LIFE* And then all of fandom was like *KILL* and then like *SLIT WRISTS*



20. The one with the cherries and then Lex tries to drown himself and Clark totally saves him.



21. Lex kills everyone Clark knows because he's all gripey that Clark won't date him. And they have sex.



22. Clark finally loses it as superman and lets Lex do all his thinking and fucking for him



23. OMG so this one is written all old timey and Clarks all I'll DETECT UR ASS BABY and Lex is like SOMEONE IS EATING MY MEAT only like, not like that. And Clark is all WELL I'LL ROAST YOUR BEEF and Lex is like DOOD.



24. Lex and Clark get trapped in a car and it's like, snowing and stuff and then Clark says, body heat! And then they have kind-of sex.



25. Clark decides to act like a teeage girl with a mojor crush in order to get Lex's attention. It works.



26. So Lex is all OMG CASSANDRA'S BRAIN IS LIKE CRACK and goes all SHOOTS UP. But then he's like WHACKO FUCKJOB and Clark is all WOAH and the Kents are all WOAH and Lex is all WHACKO and then Clark is like LEMME SHOVE MY TONGUE DOWN YOUR THROAT MKAY and Lex is like NO DOOM BWAH and then Clark is all MUAH and then WOAH THEY SAVE THE WORLD.



27. Clark is such a slut he gives up his powers as a penance.



28. The story where you learn like 50 different words for Penis.



29. Lex meets his future self and the future self dresses *really* well and says, don't be bad in the future! And he says okay. And he's not.



30. So Clark starts like, sleepwalking, right OR LIKE OMG NO -- he's all sleepFLY coz he's LIKE CLARK AND OMG TW IS SOOOU HOT and RIGHT INTO LEX's BED OMG. AHAHA.

Comments

[juteux.livejournal.com]

Someone should do this for QaF. It would be amusing, methinks.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*grins evilly*

Tell josselin.

[rayaluna.livejournal.com]

It would be. A lot of the QaF fics are more out there than the fic for Smallville. And considering Smallville is full of aliens and mutants, that's saying something. I don't think anyone has been scalped in SV fic.