seperis | topic one, topic two (1/2)

Okay. *cracks knuckles*

Topic One:

amireal suggested bagels and cream cheese.

My response: Yum?

Topic Two:

_minxy - Bore me about badfic. Tell me what needs to happen to make badfic readable, and what takes it into 'oh god, no!' territory, and when it becomes so bad it's sporkable.

and

eretria - Well, since you already offered: Badfic.
Your top 10 pet-peeves in fic.
Your top 10 bulletproof kinks in fic.

Ooh, my favorite topics!

When I was in diaryland and making two to three entries a day, I used to cover this like, once a week. And every time, it was different. Because I have learned to embrace the concept of badfic. Even celebrate it. And then I go through periods of time reading QaF's archives and cry cry cry.

But let's do the short list of things that, in general, will make people on their deathbed spend their last precious seconds of life ranting how they lost those ten minutes to reading a story.

The Badfic Test - or, things read in the last two months that have shortened my life considerably:

1.) I won't even start on characterization, because that is a fool's argument and can only lead to tears and brand new grudges. But. This is just an example. If at any time, any male is crying hysterically over his feelings? You may have written a badfic. If it happens every chapter? Please start an antidepressant soon. You are worrying me.

2.) Rule of thumb; mpreg. We all write it and read it. Yes, even you, no matter what you tell your friends. But let's do this. When you are describing the labor and delivery--wait. Why are you describing the labor and delivery? Fandom is majority women. Most of us have done it, seen it done, or have close female relatives who will give us the three hour hideously anatomically correct lecture. Seriously. Unless that baby is coming out by transporter clean and shiny, let's use the vaseline lens.

I like the minimalistic approach; then the baby was born. All fluids, tearing, mutilation, or multi-paragraph descriptions of the state of the area it came out of? They don't need their own chapter. Promise.

3.) Seriously. No crying over feelings. However--Rodney may cry over a ZPM and John may cry over a puddlejumper. Ronon may cry over his hair, if you can convince me there's ever a good reason for it to upset him. I make exceptions for true love. BUT ONLY THEN.

4.) OH MY GOD IT IS WANTON OKAY? PLEASE IN THE NAME OF GOD.

5.) Rodney is not fat. No, he really isn't. No, really, he's *not*. John is practically a male anorexic and Ronon's some kind of vaguely god-like presence sent to make the screen prettier, and lets face it, Zelenka is tiny and elf-like, and btw, anyone write Elf!Zelenka fic yet? They are not typical man-shapes. Rodney is not fat. Please write this ten times ten to the tenth power ten times over and then you may start your magnum opus again. Not. Fat.

Taking break, brb.

5.) Rodney is not fat.

THANK YOU.

Amen. Thank you.

People actually call him fat? Like in stories? I am so sheltered.

Yes! And this is crazy-making! And not only do they call him fat, they have him being all self-conscious and insecure about it!

Sorry. Have read stories like that and they drive me nuts. Sadly, one was by an author whose stories I have liked in another fandom.

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