more on unfathomable vocabulary use

First, the good news--I have not seen prostrate substitued for prostate in *months*. It's so nice when people no longer mistake a noun for a verb.

Also happily, no wonton wantons. My need for Chinese has been curbed.

I'd like to say all is well in ficland, but I ran across Yet Another Rodney The Potato Shaped Man of Maximum Chubbiness. Okay. I just want to go on record. Someone needs to write a Jack Sprat and his wife fic for this pairing. Between anorexic/bulimic, hollow-eyed, slow starvation John Sheppard and The Largest Non-Sumo Wrestler Man in History Rodney, my fandom frankly *deserves* it.

Hmm. There has been anorexic John but no Weight Watchers Rodney on a calorie counting diet and crying into his low fat soy ice cream substitute. This is a great injustice.

So let's go to Verbs Maybe I Shouldn't Use For This Sex Scene.

1.) Plowed.

Maybe it's just me. I'm totally insane like this. I grew up rural. We did not see plows in the context of sexual gratification. We saw plows in the context of dirt. With you know. Farming things. Okay, I'm rural, but I never worked a farm in my life. But still. I just--want you to consider, when you are writing about the tender lovemaking of Joe and Jay, and how their passion is so pure, and their love so wonderful, going to a place where someone is plowing someone else? Maybe not what you wanted to get across? Just--okay, I'm disturbing myself with visions of a backhoe and kind of want to lie down now.

2.) Pummelled.

As in pummelled the prostate. Did I spell that right? Seriously. Pummelled? Look, sometimes we may get tired of using those old, normal verbs, but they're old and normal for a *reason*. They do not remind people of school yard fighting. Okay, I've got to stop with the comparisons.

So? Any other verbs that bring unfortunate imagery?

Comments

[forcryinoutloud.livejournal.com]

no Weight Watchers Rodney on a calorie counting diet and crying into his low fat soy ice cream substitute.

True...though there has been atkins dieting McKay. *snerk* ;)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

you are kidding. really? Where?

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

I still laugh every time I read the word "hole" during a sex scene. It's such an awful word.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*twitch*

[an-kayoh.livejournal.com]

Oh man, I wish I could think of one right now. I know I've read fic with "questinable" sex scene vocabulary choices.

Plowed, though. That's bad. Plowed into a wall, the ground (duh), someone else...all of these connotations don't speak for good sex.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Yes. It's just--not a good word to use. In that way that makes me twitch. A lot.

[eleke.livejournal.com]

Hi. You don't know me, but I've been lurking for a while and figured, hey, why not comment?

I can't really think of any other verbs that give me the heebee-jeebees, but there are a few phrases that make me wince when I read.

Such as for the prostate (Almost spelled prostrate there but that was an innocent slip of the fingers. I swear) the two that come to mind first off is 'magic button' and I swear I read this in a story before but it could have been a nightmare (yes, I dream about reading fic... don't you? ::shifty eyes) 'man clit.' Just... what?

Or for the anus. Good God, people, can't you just used the tried-and-true terms, and not be... creative? Poop shute (and not being sarcastic or witty) 'little brown star'... the list goes on and on. Bah.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD MAN CLIT? PLEASE TELL ME YOU KID!

*shudders*

You win for the world. Right there. That? Is a nightmare.

Or for the anus. Good God, people, can't you just used the tried-and-true terms, and not be... creative? Poop shute (and not being sarcastic or witty) 'little brown star'... the list goes on and on. Bah.

...I know you are not joking? But I'm going to pretend you are for a few more minutes. For the sake of my sanity.

[enname.livejournal.com]

There is of course also the other spelling of 'plowed'. You know, being 'ploughed' by someone. Preferably both in the same sentence. Mind you being that I spend too much time in medieval worlds I am always looking around for the Oxen.

*grits teeth* Sometimes I think people don't use their eyes when looking at DH. I know they don't use their brain. Actually 'big hands', 'large hands', 'big, square hands', 'stubby big hands' and any over use of similar descriptors are getting to me at the moment. I have this bizarre image of Rodney with enormous pointing mitts going up to his shoulders, flailing them around in circles. I've devoted time to studying his hands and am failing to see their enormity.

:P

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing* Okay, now i have images of him with these massive hands that are just--like covering cities or something.
*chokes to death*

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

Pummelled?? The prostate? How would that even work? I mean, I don't think that's even physically possible. It sounds painful.

There are actually quite a few words in sex scenes which turn me off so fast I have to back out of there right away, but I think they're mostly personal squicks of mine. 'Penetrated' is one, actually. It's just so clinical. And 'anus'. Also most of the words for and about the anus, like 'pucker'. Ew. Also, 'hole'. And obviously anyone who refers to the penis as a 'member' or 'manhood' deserves to be shot. Also, the spelling of 'cum' for come, verb or noun. Actually, if sex scenes could be written without any reference to gross body parts or functions, that would be great.

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

In HP we used to get a lot of "rosebud"'s and "flower"'s. It's a wonder I'm not an alcoholic by now.

[elandrialore.livejournal.com]

1.) Plowed.

The only story in which I've found this word acceptable is in a fic called Teamwork and it's because Cadman is reading instructions to Carson off an alien dildo (while Rodney and John listen from the next room) that says the woman should plow her husband while she is being plowed, and it was absolutely hysterical. Otherwise, no.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Huh. Yeah, that would totally work.

And God I love that fic.

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

On the whole, I'd rather construction terms stayed in scenes having to do with building things.

"Jackhammered" does not light my fire. I find it especially egregious in fiction involving a certain key SG-1 pairing.

Am on the fence about "nailed." It's OK in some contexts, but really? Not any pleasant, loving ones for me.

[cjandre.livejournal.com]

It's finished.

I think it needs polishing, but it's done.

Sending to you now.

Please ensure that no prostates are prostrated, etc.

;->

[chase820.livejournal.com]

"mounted"

I always think of taxidermy.

[whimsicalwhims.livejournal.com]

"Plowed" and "pummelled" just make me think "ow." (And both spellings "pummelled" and "pummeled" are correct, though I suspect that the version with 2 l's is British).

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

I'm not wild about the phrase 'pegging the gland'. It's just... does the prostate have a freaking target painted on it and the penis homes in? Because sometimes that's the impression you get from fic.

'Hey, I scored a bullseye on the sucker! 50 points to me, the winnah and still champion. Where's my stuffed animal?'

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*chokes* That was keyboard-lethal levels there of scary.

That? Is an image that will never, ever fade. Thank you.

*still giggling*

[ladysorka]

"burst"

I'm sorry, but I don't need to picture people's genitals exploding into tiny pieces.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*giggles* I hadn't thought of that one.

[treetracer]

Any other verbs that bring unfortunate imagery?

Darlin', I will *happily* read "plowed" in every fic from now on if means I *never* read the word "drilled" in its place.

[pressdbtwnpages.livejournal.com]

I once read something where a guy "thrust his rod home" which really still disturbs me.

Also "rammed". I picture rams head-butting which I'm pretty sure is NOT the intended idea.

[delurker.livejournal.com]

Speaking of rams and sex scenes... (http://community.livejournal.com/weepingcock/23964.html)

[amireal.livejournal.com]

Turgid. As in turgid member.

I kid you not. Someone thought this was a sexy way to describe someone's erection during porn.

I-- I don't get it. I mean-- I know what it means, but somehow it seems on the scale of "Tumescence" however it's spelled.

[beck-liz.livejournal.com]

I have, very unfortunately, seen this in quite a bit of the really purple-prose romance novels I read as a teenager. I didn't think anything of it at the time, but looking back... *shudder*

[ex-spacehuss207.livejournal.com]

I work in a bookstore, and was once asked by a gentleman customer if we carried "Prostate Cancer For Dummies".

I corrected him. It was awkward. *winz*



sidenote: I find "porked" to be unfortunate. As well as the exclamation of "shit", because if there's one word that doesn't belong in gay porn...

[ex-spacehuss207.livejournal.com]

Wow, and I also lose for spelling "prostate" correctly (on accident!)--he asked for Prostrate Cancer For Dummies.

[that_mireille]

Honestly, my favorite prostate/prostrate mistake was in the reverse direction to the usual error, and was in my church bulletin when I was a wee high-school fangirl. We didn't have hymnals for a while, because our church grew much faster than our budget did, and so they printed the hymns in the bulletin. One week, we sang, "All hail the pow'r of Jesus' name, let angels prostate fall."

Which led me to look nervously up at the sky for a while, just in case one did fall.

[eleke.livejournal.com]

Thank you for making me snort Coke-Cola out of my nose. Now it burns.

[diluvian.livejournal.com]

Emptied, as a synonym for came. Like "he emptied himself deeeeeep in his lover's body".

Am I the only one who gets distressing "organs through a blender set on frappe sent out through his dick and all that's left is skin and a skeleton"?

Bleah.

[rike-tikki-tavi.livejournal.com]

*giggles so hard*

That gives whole new meanings to "And what am I? Chopped Liver?" EWWWWW!

[scarletts-awry.livejournal.com]

Explode.

As in, "he is so turned on that he almost explodes in his pants, before he can plow into the other man's tight channel."

*twitch* I feel so dirty now. And not in the good way.

I know you asked for verbs, but "channel" makes me cringe. Someone needs to compile a lexicon of words *not* to use while writing porn.

[toft-froggy.livejournal.com]

Ewwww. Yes. Channel is another one that always freaks me out.

[velocitygrass.livejournal.com]

*metaphorically hits head against desk. repeatedly.*

Okay, I know for a fact that I used two of the words mentioned in this thread (empty and hole), possibly more. It might be helpful to know which words not to use, but what would be really helpful might be which words you can use. I remember a great poll about which words people thought were okay for various body parts and which weren't. Although I'm afraid that if you make a list with words that absolutely no one objects to, that could be a really short list. And that is frustrating.

I was so looking forward to going home and writing the porn that's been in my head for two days now. *tries to forget this thread... or possibly to research safe sex scene words*

[lurkerlynne.livejournal.com]

Here, here. I'd like a copy as well.

[suzvoy.livejournal.com]

Not quite the same thing, but I read a fic with an unfortunate typo once - I can't even remember what the typo was exactly, but they were having sex and the typo made it sound like they were literally shitted into the shower.

I kept waiting for a description of some giant sphincter in the ceiling.

[aurora]

I know this one!! (Don't ask me why I still remember it and was able to find it in under 30 seconds. *headdesk*)

Here (still funny, though, even if that fic made me twitch a lot).

[mslinda.livejournal.com]

"bugger" and "buggered"

Yuck!

[lovelokest.livejournal.com]

Gaping Maw for anus. The thing that really irritated me was that it killed an otherwise great fic for me (Professionals that had Doyle crossdressed and being fucked by Bodie). It also killed any interest of reading the rest of the author's works.

Manhood. The only fandom I can almost tolerate this in is due South, and then only for Fraser because he is a bit old fashioned.

Having read old school slash recently, I can say that the internet research has helped make sex scenes better! Some of the old stuff...*shudders*

[lydiabell.livejournal.com]

Gaping Maw for anus.

I.... my eyes went really huge when I read that, and I haven't been able to talk them down yet.

Gaping MAW? GAPING maw? Like goatse?

Sweet mother of pearl.

[bruinsfan.livejournal.com]

"Bred" as a verb describing sex has always bothered me. Though not nearly so much as all the florid euphemisms for the anus. And the use of "His Lover" in place of proper names—that one guarantees that I'll close a browser window unfinished within seconds of running across it.