why my life sucks, short version

So last Tuesday, I discovered, in a horrifically painful way, that I can no longer tolerate coffee.

Stop and look at that. I cannot. Tolerate. Coffee. Even like, one drink. Because that begins a wonderful ride known as four long hours of excruciating pain in which I curl up in a little tiny ball and cry for my mother.

You would think Tuesday night would have done it for me, but no, it wasn't until Wednesday, the day I carefully and slowly ate oatmeal and crackers and then had one quarter of a cup of coffee that we identified the culprit, which was yes, another four hour miracle of why can't this horror end already.

Doctor: Well, don't drink coffee.
Me: *blank*
Doctor: Seriously. No coffee.
Me: I have no idea what those words in that order mean.

Other foods that are showing signs of being intolerable, though not yet at the human sacrifice of self level: anything I like to eat. Also, sausage, anything with tomato products, Pepsi original (shoot me now), potentially tea, possibly broccoli (God, wtf), pork (you have got to be fucking with me), and a random variety of other foods that give a vague warning of "Really, seriously?" which I am identifying by dint of first eating warily and then trying not to cry. I'm still okay with dairy products (caveat: this may go on the other list soon), pasta salad, beef, chicken, salad, bread, nuts, blueberry muffins, and all kinds of frozen burritos (still checking this one). This list is the things I have eaten since Tuesday. I don't actually like anything but peanuts, which ironically, I haven't tested in themselves. Because life hates me.

Do you know what my major beverage is right now? Milk. Milk. I have no idea how to deal with this rationally.

The plan is to wait a month, and tentatively reintroduce coffee--yes, that first--in tiny well-milked amounts and see if that does it, after being medicated. It could be the type of coffee, granted, but we're talking my two favorites, Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, and I'm thinking maybe try one of the organics and see if it's the processing? There's an amazing sumatran organic at Central Market, but I'm kind of terrified atm, so.

In more cheering news, Child just started Final Fantasy XIII, and I bought a new game, some books, and indulged myself with Victoria's Secret. I mean, crying is apparently not an option all the time. However, blank rage makes one's Dance Dance Revolution 3 a lot better and I jumped to expert for Hungry Like the Wolf, so go figure.

Comments

[scy]

I was hoping this was not going to continue and that your tolerance would return.

*hugs*

I know it doesn't help much, but when I gave up caffeine (I like sleeping 6-7 hours a night), I realized that if I started up with it again, i would likely end up a quivering wreck. Sometimes I get cravings for Pepsi. (Never could drink coffee, the taste does not agree with me, but the smell is nice).

[lorelei76]

HOLY SHIT. I bleed for you. Seriously, I am so, so so sorry. I mean, not only no coffee, but also no PORK? Fuck that noise!!

Is it all coffee products, or just the caffeine in the coffee? I know there's no point in drinking decaf, but if you can at least have the flavour, maybe it'll ease the pain..?

...I know, I'm totally reaching.

[swordage]

*sympathy* I suddenly became red meat and dairy intolerant recently, on top of already being intolerance to caffeine and processed anything. I miss steak. I miss it so much. So... sympathy. My family insists on eating bacon in front of me. TORTURE. PURE TORTURE.

I hope you find many good and delicious foods that you can eat! Sudden-onset intolerance SUCKS. A lot. Like, beyond words. But once you settle into the new diet it's not so bad. Unless people torture you with bacon.

[merrily]

YECH. My sympathies.

[waldorph]

Oh my god, that sounds like unbelievable suckage. Do they know why this is happening or just some random fuckery?

[majoline]

Oh babes! Do you have any idea what is the root problem? That sorta sounds like my PKU problem. (which I wouldn't wish on anyone)

Hope you can get something or at the very least can reintroduce COFFEE.

[ratcreature]

Yikes, that seems incredibly sucky and unfair. Did the doctor have any idea what is causing this sudden spree of food intolerances? The list seems incredibly random. What do coffee, tomatoes, pork and broccoli even have in common? I hope this won't be a permanent state of affairs for you.

[sobelle]

oh man, that really sucks bad... what a curious range of verboten!

I just recently developed a lactose intolerance (at 59 fer godsake!) and was amazed at the PAIN involved, so I can hardly conceive of your long list of banned foods. =(

Wishing you a gastro recovery from your food mystery!

RE: Coffee

[raine]

How coffee is roasted and where it's sourced can mean significant differences in acidity and ability to tolerate it in one's stomach. Starbucks tends to burn the beans when they roast them (seriously -- my local roasts-its-own coffee shop did a test roast one day where he accidentally created the house Starbucks blend, and it was smoke in the roaster everywhere).

Better explanations than me here: http://www.essortment.com/food/coffeebasicsac_sknc.htm

[nomelon]

I hear ya. I'd already given up coffee (mostly) but I had one a few weeks back and ended up on the couch, sick as a dog, for a WEEK while my stomach told me just how much this whole coffee thing wasn't working for it. That was fun.

I have been a herbal tea drinker for years. I recommend ginseng tea, which isn't great on taste, so I throw in another bad of rooibos, and a teeny nip of honey. I'll miss coffee fondly, but I wouldn't trade it.

[elizaria]

No COFFEEE??

My sympathies indeed, that's like an image of torture right there :'(

[jiltanith]

Oh God how I miss caffeine.

[[[[[Hugs]]]]]

At least my ban didn't come with agony, but I do sympathize.

[everysecondtuesday]

That sounds horrible, and I hope you can at least get sorted what you can have safely soon.

I still haven't made it out of the tutorial section of FFXIII. I am beginning to suspect that it never ends, that the game just keeps throwing new things to learn at you forever and ever.

[ellen_fremedon]

Oh, how horrid.

I've been through something very like this; in my case, the culprit was NSAID painkillers, which it turns out make my stomach absurdly sensitive even in very small doses. If you've been using Advil or aspirin or any other drugs in that family, it might be worthwhile seeing if you can find a substitute, and see what happens.

You might also try experimenting with the source of your coffee-- I've found that New World coffees upset my stomach a lot more than Old World ones, for whatever reason; Columbian will almost always give me trouble, but Ethiopian usually goes down pretty smoothly.

[the_shoshanna]

Oh my god, how awful. Good luck.

[brownbetty]

Oh my god! I have infinite sympathy for you, I cannot even imagine. Dear god. You're probably down to BRAT, right?

[synecdochic]

Seriously, how is this your life? My utmost sympathies!

[nymphaea1.livejournal.com]

I'm assuming since pork is out you can't eat bacon? That is a fate too tragic for words.

My sister has IBS so I'm familiar with weird food issues. She can't eat sugar or too much fat. Although this results in her having the best figure of all of us even after two kids, I can't say I envy her.

[inteligrrl.livejournal.com]

If it's allergies (I have pretty severe food allergies) you might try acupuncture. It can do a great deal to help - how I have no idea, but it works.

[bluevsgrey.livejournal.com]

I think I would start getting very, very drunk if I were you at this point.

[viggorlijah.livejournal.com]

That's one of my NIGHTMARES. How about tea? Milky tea can be comforting.

You can get caffeinated candy, if it's something other than the caffeine. Or um - I would snort instant coffee granules at this point.

I am so sorry!

[slvrbld747.livejournal.com]

It does sound like IBS to me, and some people have it more severely than others. The trick is learning what you can and cannot eat, and in what amounts. I can no longer tolerate coffee in general, I can have about half a cup, and not every day. I drink tea now, usually not more than two or three cups a day, but, giving your digestive system a break, and eating easy foods for a while usually helps balance things out. I hope this works for you, I know how painful digestive problems can be, and rec keeping some zantac on hand for emergencies. I drink a lot of water, no soda, no carbonation, not too much tea, and keep cheerios on hand to settle my stomach when having a bad time. Good luck, and God Bless. -SB

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

my friend is having great success with food intolerance acupuncture.

[gwendolen.livejournal.com]

That sounds a lot like histamine-intolerance, especially if you have trouble with tomatoes, anything processed, anything with preservatives or taste-enhancers, and anything that is not superfresh. Also wheat.

Milk and yoghurt without any additives should be fine. YOu might try some herbal teas or fresh apple-juice mixed with water.

Good luck with finding the culprit. Food-intolerances are such a bitch to have. I've been dealing with mine for two years by now.

[aivilo-18.livejournal.com]

Yeeeah. I've been through this kind of hell before (http://aivilo-18.livejournal.com/241237.html).

It had nothing to do with food intolerances. My doc just wanted me to cut it out because of the anxiety attacks I was having. I tried to listen and follow instructions. My caffeine headaches had other ideas, though.

I don't really have any sage advice for you on dealing with the whole "No coffee!" thing. Sorry. However, Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts are trash coffee, really. And I drink Starbucks on a regular basis, so I understand your plight.

If you can afford the organic blends, they really are better for you. Do you have Kicking Horse coffee in the States? That's the stuff I make at home. They have a pretty great website that lets you check the levels of acidity in their blends. Maybe try something that's lower in acidity and milder? Because even the Starbuck Pike blend is for shit.

When reintroducing coffee into your diet and if you can get Kicking Horse (http://www.kickinghorsecoffee.com/en/) blends in the States (or shell out to buy it and have it shipped or find yourself a friendly Canadian to send some your way), I'd recommend the Three Sisters blend or the Pacific Pipeline blend (here. (http://www.kickinghorsecoffee.com/en/story) Just go through the little circle icons to pull up the descriptions on the different blends).

Other than that...sorry? I guess? I feel your pain?