why my life sucks, short version

So last Tuesday, I discovered, in a horrifically painful way, that I can no longer tolerate coffee.

Stop and look at that. I cannot. Tolerate. Coffee. Even like, one drink. Because that begins a wonderful ride known as four long hours of excruciating pain in which I curl up in a little tiny ball and cry for my mother.

You would think Tuesday night would have done it for me, but no, it wasn't until Wednesday, the day I carefully and slowly ate oatmeal and crackers and then had one quarter of a cup of coffee that we identified the culprit, which was yes, another four hour miracle of why can't this horror end already.

Doctor: Well, don't drink coffee.
Me: *blank*
Doctor: Seriously. No coffee.
Me: I have no idea what those words in that order mean.

Other foods that are showing signs of being intolerable, though not yet at the human sacrifice of self level: anything I like to eat. Also, sausage, anything with tomato products, Pepsi original (shoot me now), potentially tea, possibly broccoli (God, wtf), pork (you have got to be fucking with me), and a random variety of other foods that give a vague warning of "Really, seriously?" which I am identifying by dint of first eating warily and then trying not to cry. I'm still okay with dairy products (caveat: this may go on the other list soon), pasta salad, beef, chicken, salad, bread, nuts, blueberry muffins, and all kinds of frozen burritos (still checking this one). This list is the things I have eaten since Tuesday. I don't actually like anything but peanuts, which ironically, I haven't tested in themselves. Because life hates me.

Do you know what my major beverage is right now? Milk. Milk. I have no idea how to deal with this rationally.

The plan is to wait a month, and tentatively reintroduce coffee--yes, that first--in tiny well-milked amounts and see if that does it, after being medicated. It could be the type of coffee, granted, but we're talking my two favorites, Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, and I'm thinking maybe try one of the organics and see if it's the processing? There's an amazing sumatran organic at Central Market, but I'm kind of terrified atm, so.

In more cheering news, Child just started Final Fantasy XIII, and I bought a new game, some books, and indulged myself with Victoria's Secret. I mean, crying is apparently not an option all the time. However, blank rage makes one's Dance Dance Revolution 3 a lot better and I jumped to expert for Hungry Like the Wolf, so go figure.

Comments

[hollyxu.livejournal.com]

Uh. Are you still okay with alcohol?

>.> I hope it settles down soon. Rest well!

[twilight-angel.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm seconding everyone who's suggesting IBS. Or possibly something related to it, like Crohn's Disease? (My grandmother's Crohn's involves excruciating pain, too.)

Although, what's weird, my cousin is going through something very similar, although hers materialized as all food ever causing her pain, it seemed. But like you, it just started happening one day. They tried taking certain types of food from her diet (dairy, wheat, etc) and then seemed to go the "fuck it all" approach, and she's currently enjoying a vegan diet that doesn't cause her as much pain. They're going to start re-introducing foods one type at a time soon.

I wish you better luck than what she's having!

[silveraspen]

Given the high acidity in the things you listed -- is your doc treating you for acid reflux/GERD or equivalent, I presume?

If not, that might be a good discussion point to bring up at your next appointment.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

He gave me a list of the most effective OTCs to try first when anything happens, then we upgrade from there if none of those work. So I have those for backup right now for future events.

[mylittlehottie.livejournal.com]

i feel your pain....the only thing that would make this worse would be to have to give up my vodka!

[boji.livejournal.com]

Stop and look at that. I cannot. Tolerate. Coffee.
Cannot read further. Am stunned by horror. Would DIE if it were me.
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

[karit.livejournal.com]

I've got IBS, and yeah, sounds like what happens with me. I don't like coffee, but I like sugary drinks that have coffee IN them (as long as they don't taste like coffee). Everyone comes up with their own way of dealing with it, but for me, taking fiber before I eat trigger foods absolutely cured me. I take my fiber, and then fifteen minutes later, I can drink my Starbucks frappucchino without agonizing pain!

If it is IBS, I recommend Citrucel or any fiber supplement without sugar additives. I take 2000 mg of Citrucel (yes, seriously--four huge horse pills) before every triggery meal. I can't guarantee it'll work, but it's worked for me.

[forsweatervests.livejournal.com]

What exactly brought all this on? This seems really sudden and horrible. I went through something similar when I got back from living in Bolivia for a while - I could only eat toast and yogurt. Occasionally more sugary bread products, like muffins or...well. Nothing else, actually. It was pretty horrible. 2 years later and I'm still really touch-and-go with milk products (no more cheesecake, chocolate mousse, very little butter and actual milk, but all the yogurt I want to eat) and sugary foods. You seem to have a much more extensive list than I did at first, which...is a good sign?

[kernezelda]

No more coffee? The world has gone terribly, terribly wrong. O_O

On the other hand, milk...

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

Just as a general, helps with digestion, can I suggest acidophilus pills? I loathe yogurt, but I get the helpful bacteria via daily ingestion of capsules, and my various food issues have been much better since. Not disappeared, but improved.

If you're having acid reflux, you should take a course of OTC acid blocker like Prilosec (in generic. I love generic). It doesn't work as well if you only take it when symptoms appear.

Randomly, I saw something on one of the science blogs I read speculating that the reason for the drastic uptick in inflammatory diseases like asthma and allergies all the way to rheumatoid arthritis might be because we no longer live with hookworms. They apparently help regulate immune response and keep it from kicking into overdrive. This is bizarre to me, but I can kind of see the logic to it? Infestation by parasite or inability to breathe ... there are times it would be tough to choose. (It could be worse????)

[amireal.livejournal.com]

This is obviously my fault, the universe can only have so many coffee drinkers in it at once and since I joined the ranks of the caffeinated I've been waiting for the other foot to drop. I'm so sorry! Er... just not sorry enough to let go of the mug. *clutches mug*


...you can smell my coffee breath?

[dine.livejournal.com]

Doctor: Seriously. No coffee.
Me: I have no idea what those words in that order mean.

that sentence is just plain incomprehensible. I am SO sorry for you! I don't know how I'd survive without coffee (or pork) - I feel your pain, and hope you're able to reintroduce at least a few things back into your diet soon

[romyra]

Sudden allergies are the worst ones. I discovered a few of mine late 2008 and in September 2009. Usually in bad ways involving my skin and itching until I began to rip the skin off my arms and bleed.

I am now allergic to Chocolate and Eggplant.

[lurkerlynne.livejournal.com]

A fellow victim! I too cannot eat chocolate. ;_; Had to give it up three years ago because the reaction was edging into anaphalaxis.

Gimme about ten years and it's going to be anaphalactic shock. From the smell. ::headdesk:: Thanks, Mom. Really.

[reddwarfer.livejournal.com]

Welcome to Gastro-hell. I am so sorry. I wish I could give you advice aside from cursing the food gods. I've had gastro-problems of an unidentified origin for two years. So. Not. Fun.

[bibliofilen.livejournal.com]

I am allergic to coffee-beans. Never met anyone else who is. Beware chocolate cakes with coffee in them and realize that tea is the superior beverage anyway!

[hellpenguin.livejournal.com]

and this is why you should live over here, near me. Because my family is starting a bakery for people who are allergic to things (dedicated gluten-free and peanut-free, but also some soy-free, milk-free, sugar-free, egg-free) and GUESS WHAT. I'm doing coffee drinks (you can hold the coffee if you so choose) with ALTERNATIVE MILKS. that don't taste like shit.

[eponymousanon.livejournal.com]

Awesomest alternative milk I ever had was hemp milk. They handed out free samples in my student union one day and I went away, bought a cup of coffee, then returned and asked for some more. It made me sad that I couldn't actually buy it at any store in the area (and that it's super expensive because the US is all omghempnonono).

[suzvoy.livejournal.com]

D:

[lurkerlynne.livejournal.com]

As a hypoglycemic intolerant of caffeine, allergic to chocolate, certain preservatives and whatever the hell it is in Mother's sandwich cookies, I can sympathize.

I hope you can find a solution. ::crosses fingers::

[(Anonymous)]

Doctors. A more useless profession I cannot think of. Parasites, the lot of them.

No offense meant to actual doctors who may be seeing this, but my own life experience is that they are only good for one thing: stealing your money and not actually caring about your life/health/general well-being, and most certainly never actually treating you or fixing your problem...

Feh.

Having said that, after a few weeks the coffee cravings are _supposed_ to go away. But that will not help with all the other stuff you cannot tolerate anymore.

Not drinking coffee is something you can eventually get over: not being able to eat/drink most of what you enjoy is not.

[jamesinboots.livejournal.com]

Omg that's a lot of unpleasant intolerances at once. :(

*hug hug hug*

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

I'll promise you that tea will start to taste pretty good in about three weeks from now :)

I dropped coffee and red vine when they started to taste bad after a stomach surgery that probably altered my stomach acids. Which makes me a freak because Who drops coffee and red vine, *voluntarily*?

[sistermu.livejournal.com]

A few years ago my friend developed a problem where he ended up only able to drink water and eat rice cakes, steamed chicken, maybe green beans, basically only the blandest non-spice/gluten/dairy etc food out there. The doctors had no idea so my brother recommended him an acupuncturist and after a few weeks it cleared up.

Really, try it. My brother is very successful with lot of conditions. In one case he helped a guy with sarcoidosis so much that the doctors decided that they must have made a mistake in their diagnosis. Because it couldn't have been the acupuncture that helped when they couldn't, noooo. *rolls eyes*

Hope you get better soon. Best Wishes.

No coffee???!!!

[lillian78.livejournal.com]

My life as I know it would be over. I'm not supposed to drink it either due to my stomach issues but hell I take one big cup a day just to get jump started--or else I'd slide into sleep at work. I get up at 4:15 a.m. in the morning to get to work. Ugh.

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

i am trying to be sympathetic but i am too busy staring in horror at this post.

i can only ask if they know *what* is causing your - i guess it's like a food allergy? something else? something AWFUL? D:

[fearthainn.livejournal.com]

I'm allergic to coffee. Not caffeine, but coffee. (I found it out by working at Starbucks for 6 months!)

Saddest. Intolerance. Ever. :(

[luthorienne.livejournal.com]

Girl. You can eat frozen burritos, but you can't drink COFFEE?!? That's just -- wrong.