Okay, this is embarrassing.

So, fannish resolution #4, track my reading and feedback, which seemed an excellent way to make sure I leave feedback because it would be deeply, deeply embarrassing to have a lot with a lot of no-feedbacks on it, you know?

However. While I admit the last week I haven't read much (and was warned RUN FAST AWAY DO NOT LOOK OH MY GOD RUN), seriously, I know I read more than this. I am very disturbed. It would be dishonest to re-read stories I already feedbacked to raise my stats, wouldn't it? Yes, I thought so.

*blank look* Life hard.

Also, I started on teh sixth and I *know* I read at least three or four fic I feedbacked but I have no idea what they are and argh. Argh times two.

I got my first crammed charges on my phone bill today--actuallly, one has been there a while, but I didn't fix it becuse I was trying ot find out if my sister, God rest her and keep her safe on the internet, was doing her usual thing of surfing the most dangerous websites in the universe and signed me up for something while not exactly meaning to. I mean, there are reasons I shell out a lot to McAfee for per-computer protection and check the files on Brian regularly. Seriously, what does she *do* on those sites? Gah.

Anyway, crammed. I'm pissed, but also kind of--I don't know, all feeling grown up. I mean, there are all these signs fo growing up. Getting your period, getting a job, your first student loan payment, eating at a restaurant just because you want to and leaving a tip, going to buy your first item at an adult shop, or turn quite red while someone illustrates the use of something in a shop, and so on and so on. It's--kind of an aww moment. Kind of a pissy moment, too, but awww.

I'm otherwise, kind of feeling the boredom.

Um. Well. Part of my resolution for the new year was to be a more responsible fangirl and interact with my community. So here is my Fannish Resolution List.

Fangirl Resolutions:

1.) Leave feedback on everything I read. Okay, I'm starting that one yesterday, but I could totally go through all the fic I stored in memories and at least leave a line saying, read loved more! I can do that. I mean, I really don't believe everyone reads my LJ enough to see when I rec them and know I would harvest organs for them if they needed them. I could totally be that urban legend story of kidneys taken, except for my lack of skill, terror of blood, and strong dislike of ice.

2.) Participate in at least one challenge and turn it in on time.

3.) Join a community and actually interact with the members. Host a challenge, help with an archive, run a community, something to fulfill my fannish responsibities as a contributing member of the community.

4.) Act as regular beta to someone other than amireal. *hangs head* This is a big one. She's the first I've worked with in *years* and I'm well aware that I'm not being reciprocal, especially when I check the word count of stuff I've sent off for beta.

5.) Chat with people I have never met. Chat rooms are not filled with people who hate you. Chat rooms are not filled with people who hate you. Seriously, me and paranoia need to come to a parting of ways here already. If I can go to slumberparty and not hide in teh bathroomm the entire time, I can use trillian and IRC without a paper bag.

6.) Finish my WiPs. At least one. Finish Landscape. Please God, finish Landscape.

7.) Comment on other people's entries. I like my friendslist. I mean, I only friend people I like, ergo, I should show them I like them and not just read entries.

8.) Attend a convention. Seriously, see five. Where in the name of God did this freakiness *come from*?

9.) Do more things to Madelyn that appear stalkery but are actually calculated to make her feel secure in her favorite status, cause Christ, she holds *grudges* and let's face it, she's the only person in Lj who honest to God scares you to death. Start with another email campaign, since that was just fun. Add Pru in randomly just to freak her out. Maybe Nif and Lyra and CJ and Celli as well. If they've known me this long and haven't cut me off and/or organized against me, I figure they'll live through me going through a period of slavish love and appreciation for them.

10.) At least five meta posts this year. Not necessarily SGA related, but at least five on something fannish. Who cares if it's been said before? Like I have the kind of memory that *keeps up* with this sort of thing. Separately, two long feedback-type posts on at least two stories by two separate authors, minimum five hundred words per story, explaining why I like something or love something.

11.) Take suggestion from flist on one more resolution.

I had this really bad moment the other night when I read back in my LJ and noted how my participation in the fannish community has gone down appreciably in teh last year or two. More, I was blowing off stuff that I hate when other people blow off, and that's kind of lowering. I mean, I make the excuse that I don't participate because I don't want to disappoint when I don't do my challenge on time (three years running have avoided all the Christmas challenges), or don't do what I'm supposed to, but seriously, lowering my expectations of myself does not like, make it *better*. It's not too much to ask of myself to be **part of the community that I'm enjoying.

ETA: Okay, it has to be jsut me, but does anyone ever had this hideously maudlin and strange desire to vid John to Boulevarde of Broken Dreams? I don't even *vid*, but man, I can see all these long sequences of him walking alone looking brave and I am so very ashamed. Mostly because I think, ooh, hot. But also because I have shame sometimes.