so i missed the memo on this one

At some point--and I have no idea how this happened--I managed to have to freeze no less than three threads and ban two people in DW and LJ due to unapologetic victim blaming of a gang rape victim. I apologize for completely missing this, but we are in 2013, right? I mean, I didn't skip backward to some arbitrary period of time where short skirts and alcohol were defacto consent?

I'm kind of serious. Three posters have managed to actively frighten me. I don't know, how do most people deal with this? We're still okay with women voting, right? That hasn't changed?

ETA: Uh, if you were posting in those threads and wanted to reply to the posters in question, I apologize, I just reached my limit on reading rape apology in my DW/LJ and so didn't give warning for the freezing.

Comments

[burnishedvictory]

Thank you for your responses and to most of the other commenters. You said what I was thinking, but much more eloquently.

[azurelunatic]

I have been actively terrified for at least a year.

[turnonmyheels]

me too.

[lilacsigil]

I'm really sorry someone from my country was victim blaming on the DW post. But thanks for freezing rather than screening - it makes putting an LJ-note to avoid these people much easier.

[highlyeccentric]

What I find heartbreaking is how much victim-blaming gets tied up with magical thinking about one's own safety. And paranoia about one's own safety is so often extended to controlling those close to oneself and blaming those further out. It's just... messed up. In order to shut this down you have to convince someone that *they are not safe no matter what they do*, and that's both difficult and cruel...

[lilacsigil]

Yeah, I know, it's really awful - we all have our own little hypocrises and spots of cognitive dissonance. On the other hand, most magical thinking doesn't hurt other people but victim-blaming really does.

ETA: I should also say, for me it's not "they are not safe no matter what they do" but that safety can't be an individualist concept. I can act for the safety of women and girls in general, even if not for myself. If I protect myself by blaming others, not only is it false protection, but I am participating in making myself and all other woman and girls LESS safe.

[highlyeccentric]

Which is to say, I think you're right, but if there's a way to explain that to an anxious-protective mindset of victim-blaming without hurting the person you're debating, I haven't found it yet. And that makes me almost as sad as the whole victim-blaming thing in the first place.

[lilacsigil]

Yes, I think we're in total agreement here! And of course when people are reading about a horrible rape, the anxious-protective mindset is running extra high!

Fourth post conquers all!

[highlyeccentric]

Deleted previous word-vomit posts, which I don't *think* said anything offensive, but having hit on a nice concise way to put it I don't need to clutter up the page anymore.

[pomegranate02]

I think we all missed the memo - it went out about a thousand years ago and no-one's bothered to contradict it.

[out_there]

Eurgh. I think the freezing is the best option -- so people can see -- but it's kind of horrible to have that attitude creep into DW/LJ space. Eurgh.

[amireal]

Woah, I did not see that happen until after the fact or I'd have stepped in, I feel bad b/c I brought up the idea tangentially. *hugs you* I do think that freezing but not screening is the right thing to do.

[bkwyrm]

Good lord. I missed that.
I just.....how do these people miss the fact that blaming ANYONE OTHER THAN THE RAPISTS is victim-blaming? Doesn't matter if she drank, how much she drank, where she was, what she was wearing, anything else - the default setting of "men" is not "rapist," and the default setting of "women" is not "potential victim."

[majoline]

Thank you for handling it well. I wanted to say something, but saw the rape apologetics had already started to come out and just couldn't handle it.

So kudos to you.

[cyprinella]

So I went to ban all the wankers and found out that I had already banned one of them. Alas I don't have notes so I have no idea what for. Probably the same sort of bullshit. Sorry that happened in your space.

[brownbetty]

Hah! I don't know why, but there's something a bit disappointing in going to ban someone for being a massive dipshit, and then discovering you've already done so. It feels like you're robbed of your revenge.

[pudacat]

There was no memo, ever. Just rape apologetics being awful. After all, they can't give those men reason to find them (rape apologetics)disagreeing with them. That would put the onus of behavior on the men, which is, of course, wrong. (Sarcasm, from a woman whose mother pulled a butcher's knife on a rapist. In her own home, at 13, on her cousin, and was blamed for upsetting people. Fuckers)