leaping and screaming are highly underrated

Okay, just venting as I need to, IDK, not hate everything except Charles and X-Men.



1.) My middle sister is in the midst of separation from her second husband. Her new boyfriend helped her move out of her and her husband's apartment as they aren't divorced yet. This is pretty much the exact pattern of how she met and married her second husband.

I don't get it.

(It's slightly less--ick--at least to me that the current boyfriend is also a former boyfriend and one of her longest relationships before she married her first husband. He's nice. I just--am not comfortable how she layers relationships. Which is me, not her, and I know this and therefore it's fine. And it's her life and I'm not privy to the details or thought processes or her experiences.)

2.) My youngest sister is still--I have no idea how--involved with her son's father and Future Serial Killer. The one arrested for abusing her. He lives five hours away. She doesn't work and my parents and I pay all the bills and etc and she's carrying on an abusive long-distance relationship.

(I have no less ick. I just do not get this shit.)

OTOH, I think part of it is I just don't get relationships when they feel more like port in the storm or whatever they're doing. The most enthusiasm I can summon up for even dating is short term crushes and only during breaks and lunch at work. I haven't seriously dated anyone in over a decade; oddly enough, right when I started in fandom and suddenly I was interacting with all these brilliant women and writing and after most of my life feeling out of context, interaction with people made sense.

I also started getting friends that didn't fall into two extreme key groups: manipulatively controlling (these people are effortless for me; they tell me exactly what they want and provide feedback regularly that is anything but unclear. No guessing) or terrifyingly easy to order around (this is how I ended up jumping off a forty foot cliff once*). I mean, they were good people (we won't discuss The Apartment of Ferrets During Early Pregnancy Denial; even I can't explain what was going on there), but honestly, it was only sheer luck I didn't fall right into the lap of someone who got off on that sort of thing.

(Retrospectively, looking at the guys I dated, the pattern is really--obvious. I never dated anyone who had the personality type to be controlling. It's weird, because I am attracted to that kind of guy (they say the first step is admitting you have an issue going on there), but even when I was in my teens, I'd go out of my way to argue them into the ground (high school; beat them in testing and math and essays; college, name a controversial subject, I'd drag out that shit and throw it like a bomb until they stomped away. Freshman English and The Great PMS Debate, The Great Drunken Sex Is Rape Debate, The Insert English Topic Here, Every Day was Debate Topic Day- luckily, my professor was a Berkeley grad and apparently this was like home; dearest God what was I thinking), which as you can imagine, did not mean there was dating in my future. And I was always so bewildered they didn't like me. And yet. The ones I did date I never felt the need to prove my metaphorical dick was bigger than their real one. Which hello, it was. Sometimes, I wonder about myself.)

Ignore this, I'm terribly morose; it's been a not great threeish weeks.

* Blue Hole, Georgetown

No, not kidding, there was a forty foot cliff. Blue Hole in Georgetown, forty feet onto water like fucking concrete. I still have no idea how I did that, as I'm terrified of heights, but weirdly, the jumping was as easy as breathing. I landed angled ankle to thigh and it hurt like hell and I was water-bruised from ankle to hip for days, but whatever, I jumped off a forty foot cliff.

(I think it was forty feet. It was actually a long enough delay that I had time to study the water and worry about the inner tube guy that was too close. To be fair, I didn't just run up there and do it; there was a line and I had plenty of time to stand there with my totally supportive friends all saying 'OMG THIS IS GOING TO BE AMAZING' and staring at me like I was just that cool; never underestimate the power of vanity, ego, and sheer inability to figure out how to climb back down. Apparently, they figured it out after I jumped. Anyoen who lives in Central Texas; the angle looks right to me, but I can't find any direct pictures of the cliff; there used to be tons of pics of people waiting in line to leap.)

This is the only thing I can find that shows the cliff; it's closed now. Youtube: Blue Hole, Forty Feet, It's a Long Way Down



I have no idea what on earth I was doing with this entry. I think I was going to lead into the dark misery that is work, but honestly, that needs it's own entry. Instead, I shall watch vids and Mulan because she saves China awesomely.

Comments

[margrave]

... Jenn, your life and your brain is both awe inspiring and terrifying.

The fact that I recognise some of your patterns as my own is, um, yeah.

And yes, Charles kind of make everything better. Hmmm, half naked James McAvoy in Children of Dune is all sort of awesome.

... I really need to go and re-watch CoD.

[out_there]

OTOH, I think part of it is I just don't get relationships when they feel more like port in the storm or whatever they're doing. The most enthusiasm I can summon up for even dating is short term crushes and only during breaks and lunch at work. I haven't seriously dated anyone in over a decade; oddly enough, right when I started in fandom and suddenly I was interacting with all these brilliant women and writing and after most of my life feeling out of context, interaction with people made sense.

That's interesting. I mean, I'm sort-of the same. Last time I dated was about five years ago, and that was long-distance/interstate with a fangirl so y'know, not so much the normal dating even at that.

But there's something about fandom as a community. It's one of the rare circles of life where you get to know all of these wonderful, smart, talented, emotionally generous women and single/dating/married barely gets mentioned. How you think and feel and imagine is important -- whether or not you're in a relationship isn't important at all. I think it releases a lot of the pressure to date/find someone when a lot of your closest friends can function and thrive regardless of relationship status.

Maybe it's just me, but at work/other social situations, you know which women are dating, married or single. It gets mentioned along with "Do you have kids" and "whereabouts do you live" as basic getting-to-know-you questions. Fandom, I only pick that stuff up after years of knowing someone and it's usually only in passing -- what I know about fannish friends are their enthusiasm and talent.

[everysecondtuesday]

Yay, Mulan. Watching that is always a good decision.

[artisan447]

I had plenty of time to stand there with my totally supportive friends all saying 'OMG THIS IS GOING TO BE AMAZING' and staring at me like I was just that cool; never underestimate the power of vanity, ego, and sheer inability to figure out how to climb back down.

OMG, I almost ran off the road with laughter when I read that (okay, I may have been checking my flist while waiting at traffic lights), mostly because I've also jumped off a high cliff for just that reason!! Getting up was easy, but man, climbing down would have been so much harder than jumping. I think you win, though, my cliff was only about 30 feet, but maybe the potential for crocodiles in the water at the bottom make up for that? IDK (this is not me, but this is the jumping rock at Katherine Gorge). *g*

(also, I think it's possible that scary cliff jumping stories trump the dark misery of work)

[viggofest.livejournal.com]

and she is most definitely NOT princess!

[luminosity]

I hear you. When I was 16, I jumped off a bridge because my friends were doing it. NO LIE.

[incapricious.livejournal.com]

oddly enough, right when I started in fandom and suddenly I was interacting with all these brilliant women and writing and after most of my life feeling out of context, interaction with people made sense.

Ah! Yes this resonates with me. I am getting divorced soon and ever since finding fandom ~6 years ago, my marriage had started to feel less and less right. It's more complicated than that, but I think it does come down to: I have found my people and I don't need anything else. At least for right now. ♥

I'm sorry the last threeish weeks have not been great. :(

[lifesscar.livejournal.com]

I looked at the video, my stomach immediately clenched up as if I was that high and just oh hell no.

[geekturnedvamp.livejournal.com]

we won't discuss The Apartment of Ferrets During Early Pregnancy Denial; even I can't explain what was going on there

But now I really want you to try, because, well, The Apartment of Ferrets During Early Pregnancy Denial. And possibly there should be alcohol involved in this explanation.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*bites lip*

http://seperis.livejournal.com/759298.html

My narrative of my ride on the crazytrain.

[suzvoy.livejournal.com]

Yikes!

[inu-spockya.livejournal.com]

Mulan did kick arse, yeah!
*pokes you*

'sup, yo? lol at every day is debate topic day, hee hee hee!! nobody I know IRL will listen if I rant about politics, this is why me and my mate do work so well, we're the biggest pair of geeks that ever walked the face of the earth, right down to math jokes and a horrible fondness for punning in public -- which is worthy of death by firing squad according to *all* the right people, deah... *waves a fashionably limp wrist at you*

as for not dating, fuck, grrl, if yer having fun why change things? though the job sounds like a downer, one does have to eat, sad but true. hence such things as teh Internet and (insert alcoholic beverage of choice here) XD

anyway. this is me not actually writing anything and surfing teh porn-tubes instead, so, yeah. um. point, er... *shrugs* *grins fiendishly*

*sends you smiles, chocolate, and fine Turkish tobacco (bugger that american shite, it's for suckers)

[fyrdrakken]

I'd never really connected fandom involvement to my gradual realization that there's no room in my life for a partner and nothing in my life I'd be willing to cut out to make the room -- more like maturity and a better-developed sense of self-assessment. (Maybe Sherlock fandom a little bit in the last year or so, for being able to put a label on the lack of a drive to pair off.) When anyone got nosy about my lack of a husband or boyfriend, I'd say I hadn't yet run into a man who seemed worth the amount of my time he wanted to take up, and if pushed I'd mention the number of people I'd seen miserable in truly fucked-up relationships and my conclusion that being alone was by no means the worst of all possible situations to be in. There was a brief period when I tried dating, but when it really sank in that I'd rather be at home in front of the TV than out with some guy, I kind of lost interest in even looking.

It's nice to be able to define matters a bit more clearly -- I'm not broken, I don't have to feel less of a complete human for "failing" to pair off with someone I'm not interested in to have children I don't want, and I can ignore the implied obligation to waste time and effort chasing after something society claims I should want because I know that's not applicable to me.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

there's no room in my life for a partner and nothing in my life I'd be willing to cut out to make the room -- more like maturity and a better-developed sense of self-assessment

This. So much.

When anyone got nosy about my lack of a husband or boyfriend, I'd say I hadn't yet run into a man who seemed worth the amount of my time he wanted to take up, and if pushed I'd mention the number of people I'd seen miserable in truly fucked-up relationships and my conclusion that being alone was by no means the worst of all possible situations to be in.

I've had these conversations too, almost verbatim.

[fyrdrakken]

There is a book I read some years back (I think it's this one, actually) which had a particular chapter I found absolutely fascinating, about how in Queen Victoria's time the laws were changed and women were suddenly able to get an education and a decent job on their own and not be forced to marry out of sheer financial need, and so the British marriage rate plummeted, and all sorts of conservative voices were freaking out at the collapse of society, and there was a concerted effort to start feeding women the idea that to be happy and fulfilled and a complete, healthy woman, they'd need to marry and have children. Basically setting up the cultural brainwashing that continues to this day, telling women over and over that they need a man to be happy, and if they think they're fine without one they're just deluded and abnormal and emotionally damaged, and they'll be miserable and lonely when they're old, and anything else they think matters more to them than a family of their own is just sublimation.

[eponymousanon.livejournal.com]

...eeek.

[hollyxu.livejournal.com]

Fandom makes everything shinier, this is true! Oddly, I haven't so much made really close fandom friends so much as solidified my relationships with rl friends who also participate in fandom... then again, my life is so much less varied than yours. *hugs*

I'm sorry if things suck right now! They should get better, especially if you watch Mulan. As a point of interest, have you watched the Chinese live-action filmed in 2009? It's also good, though vastly different.

[eponymousanon.livejournal.com]

Re: the whole every day as debate day thing--I didn't really date in high school, a combination of "i can argue you down" and social obliviousness (a couple years later, my guy friends were like "i can count six guys who had crushes on you" and my response was "....why didn't they say something?"). In college, the guys I dated fell into the "nice, but a bit spineless" category (I grew bored quickly) and the guys I was attracted to were...well...looking back I can realize they were a bit self-absorbed, and one kind of trended towards sociopathy (and Ayn Rand *shudder*).

While I'll admit that there are days (surrounded by happy people in happy relationships) where I feel I may be doing something wrong to not have found a partner yet, I'd like to think I'm almost to the place you are at--fully confident in oneself and able to shrug off the societal pressures of Match.com.