this isn't how I thought the zombie apocalypse would go, I'll be honest

After almost an entire two weeks free of any national reports of random naked cannibalism--I can't believe I'm writing these words, because it never occurred to me that there'd be an internet in existence when such words could be typed--Florida brings the bicep-eating man.

Latest 'zombie' eating attack: Man under the influence gets naked, bites off chunk of man's arm

References: Face Eater #1 and Face Eater #2

While granted, Bicep Eater has not yet been confirmed to have taken bath salts, a fit of rage followed by stripping naked and then immediately developing a taste for living human flesh is surprisingly familiar, in that we could almost call this--I can't fucking believe I'm typing this--symptoms of the use of bath salts.

I want to go on the record as stating: in general, while drug abuse is like, bad and stuff, the attraction of feeling, say, good (or talking to the wall or a tree, depending on the quality of your dealer when shopping for acid; it was a nice convo) or blissing out in a stupor with your ten best buddies makes the myriad health, safety, financial, and judicial risks understandable. However, when the feeling is less 'good' than 'rage' and the documented side effects are nakedness and an uncontrollable desire to eat body parts (while still attached to someone who is, well, fighting you to keep them intact), I'm just not seeing the attraction.

I pity any kids going though DARE right now, though; guess what they'll be seeing on the projector screen.

Comments

[ladyvyola]

As soon as I read random naked cannibalism, I went, it's gonna be bath salts.

Yep.

We live in magical times. Sometimes it's Avengers, sometimes it's actual drug zombies. We pays our money and we takes our chances.

[seperis]

*wistful* Remember the good old days that you didn't know to be super excited that no one had eaten anyone else in the last 24 hours?

Yeah. Good times.

As soon as I read random naked cannibalism, I went, it's gonna be bath salts.

The thing is, the naked at least makes sense with synthetic stims--they're kind of doing the equivalent of jumping in the metaphorical microwave and hitting start without a timer; it's the naked + try to eat someone who is fighting back. Like, what set of goddamn neurons are being fried here that so specifically call for "attack living person nearby and find them delicious". I mean, I love all things beef, but I have never been tempted to run down a cow and start chewing to get my beef fix. Just. What.

[ladyvyola]

Right. I try to keep my salivation in line until after they're dead.

I'd say butchered, but episodes of things like No Reservations where I actually watch the killing and cleaning and cutting up has taught me to reset my appetite.

I think I had standards once. Oh, internet and 24-hour cable, you hurt me so good.

[annaalamode]

Kids these days! In my days we just thought about taking ecstasy and smoked up. We never ate anyone while snorting bath salts. When did I become old?

[seperis]

Dude, I dropped acid sitting in a tree (literally, on a branch) on a golf course (while smoking out, yes) and talked to inanimate objects and had deep thoughts about tylenol (and developed spontaneous agoraphobia to match my claustrophobia).

...this now seems wholesome good fun. God. I hate everything.

[annaalamode]

Drugs were totally less dangerous in the 90's.

[seperis]

Well, we did eat a lot less human flesh in general, yeah.

[annaalamode]

Maybe the coming zombie apocalypse will be caused by mass exposure to bath salts?

[ratcreature]

...

Yikes. Yeah, that does not sound like a fun drug. Though maybe you have a chance for a really great experience and it's a gamble? I have never even heard of this "bath salt" stuff.

I think if I wanted to use drugs I'd first go with the traditional plant substances that have a long and documented history of human use, like say marijuana or opium, so that there is a good body of knowledge of both short and long term consequences, good and bad, or maybe well established chemicals that have been around for two decades at least as possibilities. But not the newest experimental novelty thing. I mean, as long as you can't have them legally with the producers having to test and show the ingredients and effects of their drugs with risks listed, trying random chemical concoctions seems very ill advised.

But then personally I've never even tried any drug besides caffeine (not even alcohol in amounts enough to get intoxicated rather than for taste), because I've always felt my personality would lend itself towards addiction rather than recreational use, so clearly risk aversion trumps curiosity for me by a large margin.

[seperis]

*nodnodnod* Even methamphetamines makes more sense than this as a drug lifestyle.

[vickita]

You know, my drug of choice has always been alcohol, which is hardly consequence-free, but yeah, no, I've never had a shot of Jack do that to me. o.O

[cplberen]

Yeah, I gotta go along with you there. Alcohol has definitely equaled bad choices (sexual, fashion, table-dancing -- random examples), but there was never once a case of face-eating or naked cannibalism of any kind. Not. Once.

[seperis]

So much word.

[akacat]

Talking to a tree sounds like good times.

I... truly don't get why someone would want to take naked-cannibalism drugs.

Well. Naked in Florida isn't entirely a bad thing. In the right venue. But cannibalism really doesn't lead anywhere good.

[seperis]

And growling.

Basically, there's nothing about this that doesn't make me want to rewatch Supernatural as a documentary instead of fiction. To see if there are any clues.

[seekergeek]

Over in the pagan-o-sphere one of the big name bloggers has actually posted, "Dudes, I know the idea of a zombie apocalypse is entertaining and all, but could we please stop putting energy into manifesting it already?"

[seperis]

Thinking about it, even that makes more sense than people willingly taking something that makes them go cheetah on the savannah at a stranger.

[mustangsally78.livejournal.com]

Living in Florida is enough to make you want to bite a chunk out of somebody.

Just for the record, I only bite Republicans who are raping the educational system.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*bites lip very hard*

Okay, that I can see.

[goingferal.livejournal.com]

I think this is my favorite post of the week.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It's fairly surreal to realize you may actually be living in the zombie pre-Apocalypse.

[inu-spockya.livejournal.com]

dude! I about pissed myself laughing when the CDC felt compelled to issue an actual I-am-so-not-kidding *press release* to the effect that, no, we are not in the zombie apocalypse. the spokesperson had a sense of humor; they noted that any emergency kit that prepared you for the zombie apocalypse would serve nicely for fires, floods, earthquakes and so on.

true, dat. *ponders*

[tonicollins.livejournal.com]

I never would have called the nakedness part of the zombie apocalypse.

[inu-spockya.livejournal.com]

nah, that just sounds like too much mushrooms n' moonlight, heh heh heh...

as for DARE, it's already a complete joke; the kids around here brag that they learn how to use paraphernalia correctly in DARE classes.
*snerk*

fuck, life's too damn funny some days... or to quote John Brunner: "Christ, what an imagination I've got."

[inu-spockya.livejournal.com]

and today some asshole killed his family's dog under the influence of K2 synthetic "marijuana".

the common thread in all of these attacks is synthetic euphoriants. the DEA and its canadian equivalent have most of the easy and direct metabolic euphoriants sectioned off as Controlled Substances, so now the bootleg chemists are reaching a long way sideways to find a metabolic pathway not already blocked. and we have *no* trustworthy data on what they are doing, or how it affects humans in the short and the long term -- and these braindead fucks don't care, it's all about da Benjamins, ya mon. you couldn't pay me money to take any of that shit. if it wasn't grown by someone I know, we're done. I don't need da feelgoods that bad. not in any hurry to die yet thanks anyway.

I'd write it off as evolution in action if only they killed themselves and not someone else. s'pose that makes me cold. *shrug* used to work ER. ya get used to stuff. human stupidity is a powerful force.