seperis | so the upshot is, now i can say raincoat and make him twitch

I have come to the conclusion that the world's problems could be solved if everyone just lowered their expectations. This 'shoot for the stars' nonsense has to go.

Observe: I no longer 'hope' (such an outdated word) for a good day at work. Instead, I set my sights at not having actively homicidal tendencies when someone says "Good morning". Granted, I am not quite able to achieve that yet, but you know, I feel this is a goal that might, one day, be met.

It's like with Child. I understand most parents look at their offspring at birth and think "S/He will be president/discover a new planet/win the lottery/marry well/never own cats." My goal: "He will not be tried as a serial killer and end up a major cult figure among disturbed teenagers with too much eyeliner who write myspace poetry about him." So far, the plan proceeds apace, but well, who can tell the future? My second goal is "not get anyone pregnant before the age of consent" by running condom pop quizzes at him every so often. Okay, I lied, that part is actually how I entertain myself when I'm bored.

Like this.

"What do we do when confronted with a vagina?"

"Condom!" Knee-jerk. Doesn't even have to think about it. That happens when your mother's been doing this to you since pretty much the age of understanding verbal language and both your aunts took up the cause just because they ran out of things to do.

"Remember: fun is fun, but always wear your raincoat."

"God. Stop."

"Is it raining?"

"MOM SHUT--oh. It's--actually raining outside."

Me: *cackles*

Achievable goals. Don't reach for the stars. Reach for the bottom of the hill! It's not as steep and you won't get tired as quickly. But you know, have fun with it. And if you can make someone have traumatic sex-talk flashbacks every time it rains outside, well, that's just icing.

Not Related

So Child's computer is dying (really horribly) and I had to quickly budget to get him a new one because of course I'm sending him to a school that has more powerpoint and research projects a year than I did throughout all of college. So I spent many merry hours not raining blood and toads down upon my place of employment configuring systems, and then accidentally ran across a link to a paired system of a laptop and a netbook. I stared at the price for a while and then wondered if I was hallucinating, that the desktop I'd been configuring very carefully was more expensive and less neat than the laptop and then, well, netbook combined. So obviously, I bought them before that page vanished. Obviously.

To be fair, this is not a case of expectations exceeded, though oh my God, Dell, did you forget about that offer still being around? Somehow--no idea how--I cracked the front bezel of my laptop over the left hinge. It's a cosmetic repair, but it's a goddamn complicated one and I have to both order a new bezel and basically take my entire display assembly apart, which requires me to take the entire front part of my laptop apart and remove the keyboard, then remove the entire cover and LCD, because the way they assemble laptops is fucking schizophrenic, and I'll be hitting a lot of delicate wires that do things I'm still not sure of. I won't even start on the adventure of trying to track down what this thing was called so I could replace it as Dell hates joy--I just kept entering search terms until a picture appeared that matched.

I like taking my computer apart. I do not like taking it apart when a liquid display is involved in the proceedings and has to be disattached in various ways that will probably end in tears (me) and tragedy (what I will do if I lose Adam). And I really don't like it when I don't have a diagram or easy access to the internet when I'm playing, so this is waiting until I get the netbook and can have that and Child's new laptop both open to see what I'm doing. No, I don't mean Dell's breakdown either. There are a minimum of four things in here the last time I had to do a repair that did not show up in the specs, and one of those things I"m pretty sure came through a Stargate.

I really wish I could say this is not exciting, because that really says so much about my life I'm not sure I really want to admit. However, I have hunted up the screwdrivers and have bought new cleaning clothes and compressed air. Even abject disasters should involve dusting the fans clean and peering excitedly at my chip array.

How many times have I told you that by setting the bar so low I can accidentally step over it on the way to the kitchen has made my days brighter and fully of joy?

SEVERAL.

*glows* I like to think I've made people's lives easier.

My advice to my mother this evening: DO NOT DROP THINGS ON YOUR FEET. *dvd droppage yesterday was painful*

WE HAVE GOALS.

PRACTICAL GOALS ARE THE WAY TO GO. BOTTOM OF THE HILL. ACHIEVEMENT THROUGH CAREFUL LACK OF MOTIVATION.

*g*

My personal goal today was not to smite the sewing machine out of SHEER FRUSTRATION.

Everytime I read one of these posts of yours I sit here in gobsmacked awe. Personally I can troubleshoot a Mac (software wise) but that's about my limit.

Oh, I'm not good at it. I'm just very easily bored and it's like, IDK, my computer is sacred. Giving it to other people freaks me out. Hence, I destroy it myself. *cheerful*

your parenting techniques are admirable.

your computer... thing. is terrifying.

I'm pretty confident the odds of me ever getting any grandchildren go down significantly after every talk.

which will be all right, since you're on the verge of raising your own robot army... oh man, you and James are in it together, aren't you?

WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

I've mostly stopped worrying about work. I mean, I know that's bad, but. *shrug* Maybe the drugs are working?

Relatedly (or not), I'm reading that fic you recced me, and HOMG LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE.

YES I TOLD YOU OMG.

I LOVE KATY IN THIS LIKE A LOT.

WHICH, YAY GIRL.

ALSO, HOLY SHIT SEX TOYS = JOY.

*smug so smug*

Also, astolat's fucking machine fic. :D

LOL, raincoats! i have boys as well and always used long rides in the car to talk about condoms and sex and the fact that "girls have feelings ya know!" while i was pretty sure they wouldn't jump from a moving car, watching their face as they contemplated it was entertaining!

*applauds* Brilliant. I do it on long walks where he's not sure how to get back home, or when he's trapped in his room. *G*

"What do we do when confronted with a vagina?"

"Condom!"

This might be my favorite call and response in the history of ever.

I am willing to work for my entertainment. It took time, but the results are totally worth it.

When I was a teenager, my way of making sure that my brother didn't get a girl pregnant - or indeed, feel comfortable around females for a long, long time - was to tell him horrible stories about syphilis and herpes and...well, mainly syphilis. "'Cause cooters can make ya crazy!"

Yeah. I was mean.

...that is brilliant. *blinks* I should send him straight to Something Awful and let him read the forums. He'll hit the pictures of diseased penises and I will never have to worry again.

God, why is it so fun to scar children?

Your tales of child-rearing are entertaining and informative. *nods*

:)

I like to think I'm improving society one lj entry at a time. *bows*

"What do we do when confronted with a vagina?"

"Condom!"

i hope he becomes a gynecologist!

*dies laughing*

Okay first off HI, i've never replied to you before but omg you had me laughing so hard tonight i think i pissed myself (and i'm okay with it !! lol)

"What do we do when confronted with a vagina?"

"Condom!" Knee-jerk. Doesn't even have to think about it. That happens when your mother's been doing this to you since pretty much the age of understanding verbal language and both your aunts took up the cause just because they ran out of things to do.

"Remember: fun is fun, but always wear your raincoat."

"God. Stop."

"Is it raining?"

"MOM SHUT--oh. It's--actually raining outside."

Me: *cackles*
THIS ? this was my mom with my 3 older brothers growing up lol i now get to do this to my 14yrold son lol i appretiate your joy in doing this !!

Thank you for having such a rough time with ur pc and telling us about it, seriously i almost peed lol. Just for funsies i went and reread it ... yup still gigglin ... :D

Tired, middle aged, semi-homicidal professional (hah!) british mother about to gear up to go to work this morning.

Some Divine Hand of Provenance guided me to peep at your LJ at a time I normally wouldn't. (Usually, I just dip in and read the fics)

THIS? Is the wisdom of the AGES!
This is what I need to hear...and I will implement this approach in work and at home IMMEDIATELY. It will prevent me going medieval on my 6foot 5 inch ANNOYING smartass teen 'Son-and-Heir'.

You, madam Seperis, are quite possibly a prophetess. Or a Lifestyle Guru.Or..on some really good meds.

I thank you.

Yinka

PS. Now, if only you could see your way to writing that bit of 'Crimes Against Humanity' that would le us know how psycho!John got out of being hooked on evil-ancient!Chaya (because that snippet is bugging me). Ooh, and the end of that amazing story 'Rules of Attraction' where John is the undercover FBI/rent boy drug addict lover of Kolya...Kolya! (*still shocked*) well, I would set up a shrine to you.
Or, at least print up some t-shirts exhorting people to worship you.

You're an awesome Mom - and I mean that without sarcasm ^_^ *snicker* a fun part of being the parent is laughing at your kid.

HI. I mostly just lurk about your LJ and read all your fics and basically ~be sketchy~ because i DON'T EVEN USUALLY LEAVE FEEDBACK, but after this entry--

HI, YOU'RE AMAZING, ILU, PLEASE DON'T EVER CHANGE.

"Is it raining?"

"MOM SHUT--oh. It's--actually raining outside."

Me: *DIES* THIS IS ALMOST AS GOOD. AS WHEN I REALIZED YOU WROTE DUE SOUTH. XDDD

*Glee* I like to think Child's suffering with me has tangible benefits of amusing the masses.

From as early as I can remember, I told both my sons, "Do Not Reproduce." This was considered the Prime Directive in our family. Apparently, they do listen. One is forty-four and has pretty much bowed out of the market. The other was married seven years when at 35, he and his wife were afraid to tell me in public that they were expecting. I say early indoctrination does work.

I'm seriously taking comfort from this. I do not entirely object ot grandchildren, but preferably after he turns thirty. And is a good stay at home dad with a good woman with a good job.

so, Jen, you are totally my mommy role model. if I ever have children, I am totally going back to all of your child posts and using them as my parenting guide. {beg}

Keep your eye on the goal--not a serial killer worshipped in myspace. I mean, every day is a victory when that's your standard.

Observe: I no longer 'hope' (such an outdated word) for a good day at work. Instead, I set my sights at not having actively homicidal tendencies when someone says "Good morning". Granted, I am not quite able to achieve that yet, but you know, I feel this is a goal that might, one day, be met.

...I think I I love you. Hey, doesn't Child need a second mother? 0 :)

My goals are achievable goals. *nods wisely*

"What do we do when confronted with a vagina?"

This gave me a mental image of one lurking in an alleyway and leaping out going 'RAWR!', and Child holding it at bay by waving a little foil package at it.

...that is the most awesome image ever. it's like Cthulhu came to life!

Observe: I no longer 'hope' (such an outdated word) for a good day at work. Instead, I set my sights at not having actively homicidal tendencies when someone says "Good morning". Granted, I am not quite able to achieve that yet, but you know, I feel this is a goal that might, one day, be met.

From working retail these past six years, I perfectly understand. I aim for utter apathy towards my coworkers, though I tend to end up closer to disgust and loathing.

"What do we do when confronted with a vagina?"

You are SO evil. And we are SO alike.

Scary.

;-)

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If you don't send me feedback, I will sob uncontrollably for hours on end, until finally, in a fit of depression, I slash my wrists and bleed out on the bathroom floor. My death will be on your heads. Murderers
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That's why he goes bad, you know -- all the good people hit him on the head or try to shoot him and constantly mistrust him, while there's this vast cohort of minions saying, We wouldn't hurt you, Lex, and we'll give you power and greatness and oh so much sex...
Wow. That was scary. Lex is like Jesus in the desert.
-- pricklyelf, on why Lex goes bad
LJ
Obi-Wan has a sort of desperate, pathetic patience in this movie. You can just see it in his eyes: "My padawan is a psychopath, and no one will believe me; I'm barely keeping him under control and expect to wake up any night now to find him standing over my bed with a knife!"
-- Teague, reviewing "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones"
LJ
Beth: god, why do i have so many beads?
Jenn: Because you are an addict.
Jenn: There are twelve step programs for this.
Beth: i dunno they'd work, might have to go straight for the electroshock.
Jenn: I'm not sure that helps with bead addiction.
Beth: i was thinking more to demagnitize my credit card.
-- hwmitzy and seperis, on bead addiction
AIM, 12/24/2003
I could rape a goat and it will DIE PRETTIER than they write.
-- anonymous, on terrible writing
AIM, 2/17/2004
In medical billing there is a diagnosis code for someone who commits suicide by sea anenemoe.
-- silverkyst, on wtf
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Anonymous: sorry. i just wanted to tell you how much i liked you. i'd like to take this to a higher level if you're willing
Eleveninches: By higher level I hope you mean email.
-- eleveninches and anonymous, on things that are disturbing
LJ, 4/2/2004
silverkyst: I need to not be taking molecular genetics.
silverkyst: though, as a sidenote, I did learn how to eviscerate a fruit fly larvae by pulling it's mouth out by it's mouthparts today.
silverkyst: I'm just nowhere near competent in the subject material to be taking it.
Jenn: I'd like to thank you for that image.
-- silverkyst and seperis, on more wtf
AIM, 1/25/2005
You know, if obi-wan had just disciplined the boy *properly* we wouldn't be having these problems. Can't you just see yoda? "Take him in hand, you must. The true Force, you must show him."
-- Issaro, on spanking Anakin in his formative years
LJ, 3/15/2005
Aside from the fact that one person should never go near another with a penis, a bottle of body wash, and a hopeful expression...
-- Summerfling, on shower sex
LJ, 7/22/2005
It's weird, after you get used to the affection you get from a rabbit, it's like any other BDSM relationship. Only without the sex and hot chicks in leather corsets wielding floggers. You'll grow to like it.
-- revelininsanity, on my relationship with my rabbit
LJ, 2/7/2006
Smudged upon the near horizon, lapine shadows in the mist. Like a doomsday vision from Watership Down, the bunny intervention approaches.
-- cpt_untouchable, on my addition of The Fourth Bunny
LJ, 4/13/2006
Rule 3. Chemistry is kind of like bondage. Some people like it, some people like reading about or watching other people doing it, and a large number of people's reaction to actually doing the serious stuff is to recoil in horror.
-- deadlychameleon, on class
LJ, 9/1/2007
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Fan Fiction is John Cusack standing outside your house with a boombox.
-- JRDSkinner, on fanfiction
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I will unashamedly and unapologetically celebrate the joy and the warmth and the creativity of a community of people sharing something positive and beautiful and connective and if you don’t like it you are most welcome to very fuck off.
-- Michael Sheen, on Good Omens fanfic
Twitter, 6/19/2019
Adding for Mastodon.
-- Jenn, traceback
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Base style: Open Spaces by seperis
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