even for me this is kind of random

Finished The Bourne Ultimatum. God.

My points of pondering are as follows; I think for me, a lot of movie watching is also a screening and interview process with an eye to the future. That being, the end of the world.

So I was thinking when I first ruminated on this that he's just that damn hot. But there's also this, and it hit me abruptly while considering the future Zombie Rebellion. It's not just the god-so-hot, or the guns, the blowing up things, the competence or the edge of barely leashed rage--it's my instincts and my ovaries. They look at him and say this man will be an excellent provider after the apocalypse. There is a very good chance you will survive.

Because I will be honest with you all; the day I have to hunt for my own food is the day you watch me starve to death. Let's make no mistake here; I can probably shoot it. And that is as close as I will get to it after. I have skillsets I think are valuable on the post-apocalyptic market (When I am told to run away so people with carbines can handle the zombies? I do. When someone says, lock yourself inside and don't come out! I will do so. I can get bloodstains out of almost anything (don't even ask), I can in fact hit a target with both gun and arrow (I ask you make the target larger than a peanut, though), and I can ice skate and snow shoe (should the apocalypse come with an ice age), and given materials, I can build things and fix things provided I understand what they are supposed to do (no, seriously. I can. It's not really useful right now; but when the zombies come? I will totally be. Just make sure you have duct tape around, plz).

No, seriously. It's like McGyver, except, well, Matt Damon, but you know, when you are looking for a mate at the end of the world, you really are going to want to go with someone with some kind of vague sociopathic disorder (so they will shoot the scary people for you quickly and efficiently and not worry about all that moral blah blah blah) or you are left to worry you will be someone he considers scary, or that they are really hungry and haven't seen any mutated deer for days. See how that works? You want someone who can get the electricity back on and fix your car and then when you are kidnapped by the zombies, will totally kill all of them to get you back before a nice lunch of canned beef in the special radiation proof fortress he built out of branches and leftover gum.

I'm not sure how you'd place an apocalyptic want-ad for this, though. I mean, I don't know about the rest of you? But I feel like just in case the zombies (Cthulhu, Ori, Lilith, First Evil, Wolfram and Hart) rise up against us, there should be a plan in place.

So now that I have totally made no sense: what would you list in your post-apocalyptic personal ad? (Let's pretend the Zombies don't touch the internet; Zombies need bad porn too. Please God, let the zombies like the internet).

Comments

[chopchica.livejournal.com]

Fine, since you are *forcing me to answer*.

Wanted: motherfucking badass who can slaughter zombies and other creepy things, and provide for a post-apocalyptic vegetarian who still doesn't want to eat meat. Must love dogs and long walks on the burning beach. Morals optional.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*g* Long walks on burning beaches do feel necessary. Or jogs. Runs. From fiery zombies.

[thisisbone.livejournal.com]

Wanted: Kyle Reese.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

So say us all. Ooooooh. Nice.

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

They look at him and say this man will be an excellent provider after the apocalypse. There is a very good chance you will survive.

I laugh, but at the same time, I've considered what would happen to me in a zombie apocalypse as well. I'd be dead so fast.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I like to think of the future. Accountants and stock brokers will not help me then; I need engineers and assassins and--maybe a farmer?

...I think I am building my own weird harem.

*edited for word choice

[inkanaitis.livejournal.com]

man with time machine.

preferably doctor.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*GLEE* I LOVE THAT!

[an-kayoh.livejournal.com]

ISO male 20-35 with wilderness skills/apartment block in Alaska w/ destructible staircase/comparable defensible fortress. Military skills a plus. No katana required. Must be willing to look after college co-ed w/ no winter skills.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*GLOWS AT YOU* Ooh. I like the destructible staircase. *ponders*

[akacat]

Wanted: someone who can rig a power supply out of twisty ties and aluminum cans, and a water purifier out of a Mr Coffee machine. Must be capable of holding a fannish or geeky discussion. Cooking skills a plus.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

...I totally forgot cooking skills.

Hell yes geeky. Required reading list might need to be attached, too.

[kallipoe.livejournal.com]

ME: Brutally pragmatic, borderline-stable SWF, good in a crisis and with cupcakes. Willing to relocate.
YOU: S/W/D M/F with low radiation levels and tolerance for deadweight. Must have weapons, ammo, slaughter zombies like it's a profession. No kids or philosophic devotion to impractical moral systems.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

No kids or philosophic devotion to impractical moral systems.

Oh, rock on. *Glee*

[tex.livejournal.com]

I'm a little ashamed to admit this but I used to prefer the Affleck side of the Affleck/Damon collective. But that all changed after the first Bourne movie. Because nrrrgh. Like you said, all that competent, ruthless killing stuff is massively hot.

Also, for my Zombie fighting needs. I want John Sheppard at my side. If he can kill 60 Genii in one fell swoop, he can handle a few zombies. Plus, during the rare bit of downtime, he would be sooo pretty to look at.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

...I want Jason and John both. I am greedy. GREEDY.

I'm a little ashamed to admit this but I used to prefer the Affleck side of the Affleck/Damon collective. But that all changed after the first Bourne movie. Because nrrrgh. Like you said, all that competent, ruthless killing stuff is massively hot.

God. I always wanted to slash them if I did RPS. And I think Bourne is what did it for me too--ruthless competence is better than pheremones.

[marinarusalka.livejournal.com]

Wanted: John McClane.

(I was tempted to ask for a Winchester at first, since they have the advantage of already knowing that zombies exist, so there would be no need to worry about how they'd deal with the paradigm shift. But I think McClane would deal just fine, really. And a Winchester could never be counted on to have me as the primary focus of his protective instincts.)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*claps hands* Yes, yes, yes. And he'd do *awesome*

(Yeah, you have to be born Winchester to get that. *sighs*)

[ratcreature]

I'm afraid I'm completely lacking in post-apocalyptic survival skills. I mean, I'm not all that useful in the grand scheme of things even know, and zombie apocalypses would just make it magnitudes worse.

I mean, I can cook reasonably well with limited ingredients and appliances, but really only vegetarian stuff. I guess I might still remember what my mom taught me about preparing fish, chickens, hare and rabbits and such when I was a kid, but obviously that didn't include catching or slaughtering these, just stuff you still had to do after you got the animal carcass from the butcher or fishmonger, like the more detailed cleaning (stuff like that geese you get still may this gland you need to remove near their tail or they'll taste like crap) and cooking.

I'm not that bad with tools for basic stuff, but I've only ever done minor stuff around the home, never really build anything, and I guess installing my IKEA kitchen sink myself following the instruction set won't really count as plumbing experience, just like some minor rewiring I've done and installing an outlet or two doesn't really qualify me for any serious electrician stuff, and so on.

I don't even know how to plant a vegetable garden or anything...

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Hey, I like your skillsets!

I'm not that bad with tools for basic stuff, but I've only ever done minor stuff around the home, never really build anything, and I guess installing my IKEA kitchen sink myself following the instruction set won't really count as plumbing experience, just like some minor rewiring I've done and installing an outlet or two doesn't really qualify me for any serious electrician stuff, and so on.

Post apocalyptic personal ads are like resumees--if you have been in the same room as it, it totally counts.

[thatratorpheus.livejournal.com]

Ok, I don't know what this says about me, but all of this reminds me of my father, who really was a scary spy dude. With one hand he could break the knees of a reluctant Soviet informer, with the other he could build a Victorian gazebo from old scraps of wood, all the while calculating the dispersal rate of nuclear radiation if a bomb should land on New York City.

Some fathers play baseball with their kids - mine would train us for the coming apocalypse. "First, boil a lot of rice..." And once I've made my way to the Survivors' Enclave and scratched pitifully upon their door, it's no good telling them I've got a double major in accounting and economics. I need skills - like digging latrines and making shoes and the 49 ways to use a dead pig. My personal ad better be about me *offering* something.

After I've restored the electricity, killed the zombies and knitted Matt Damon a sweater from his old dog hair, then I'll be assured of his psychopathic love. (ok, my Dad *didn't* say that) *g*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*glee*

After I've restored the electricity, killed the zombies and knitted Matt Damon a sweater from his old dog hair, then I'll be assured of his psychopathic love. (ok, my Dad *didn't* say that) *g*

Hell yes. That is all our ultimate goal, really. With you know, fighting the Zombie War.

[fanaddict.livejournal.com]

I thought I was the only one out there who spent time figuring out how to survive any and all impending apocalyptic events. It's good to know the few, the certifiably paranoid and the prepared might survive - although what that would mean for the human race and the social constructs people inheriting that level of paranoid pessimism would create is a little scary.

My want ad would read:
Needed - People willing to form a skill-based community, specifically people who know how to make and use weapons, people with medical skills, scientists (biologists), farmers and teachers. People with children/child-bearing age given priority. Together we'll defend ourselves, and keep both our physical selves and scientific know how intact.

Also, I'd head to higher ground (the mountains) and then build a network of caves inside and become Mole People. Small openings are easier to defend and confusing caves will stop any invasion. Of course, that's assuming other humans survive and want to attack - but if humans survive, eventually it always comes down to warfare over limited supplies.

Er, yeah, I'm just barely on the sane side of completely crazy when it comes to this sort of thing, especially since my son was born and my desire to keep him safe includes planning for the end of the world...

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I like to keep vague mental lists just in case.

Also, I'd head to higher ground (the mountains) and then build a network of caves inside and become Mole People. Small openings are easier to defend and confusing caves will stop any invasion. Of course, that's assuming other humans survive and want to attack - but if humans survive, eventually it always comes down to warfare over limited supplies.

I'm totally following you. Plz leave a carefully obscured yet fannishly-signficant trail for us to follow.

[lazar-grrl.livejournal.com]

ME: SF with hunting, demolition, medical, and chemistry experience; martial arts and weapons training. Sterile, so look elsewhere for a nubile post-apocalyptic concubine/breeder.
YOU: S M/F with complimentary skillset, enough weapons and ammunition to hold your own, D/D/Z free. Kids and dogs okay; will help train if necessary. Some altruism a plus, but no Pollyannas/martyrs need apply.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

BRILLIANT. And thorough!

[nimnod.livejournal.com]

Have you read the books, or just watched the movies? Because if not, the books really *are* worth a read too.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I'm getting them this weekend after I get paid. *glee* Anticipating muchly.

[x-pixel-x.livejournal.com]

Leaving aside:
a) I would UTTER FAIL at the apocalypse (hi, programmer!)
b) I am total SHIT and writing personal ads, my last and only one got me involved with my ex and.....*shudder* yeah.

Dear Post Apocalyptic World,
Please send me one JAMES ELLISON.
KTHXBI

[seperis.livejournal.com]

James Ellison == GOOD CHOICE. *nodnodnod*

[scrollgirl.livejournal.com]

They look at him and say this man will be an excellent provider after the apocalypse. There is a very good chance you will survive.

This explains all the fic in Heroes fandom in which Mohinder falls in love with Sylar after the apocalypse comes/zombies attack, because now Sylar's psycho-killer ways are useful to society.

Plus, Sylar already knows how to cook brains so they'll taste good. One assumes.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

See, I totally think the draw to scary serial killers does come from the unconscious thought that when the zombies and the end of the world comes, these are the people we are going to unleash on them.

Plus, Sylar already knows how to cook brains so they'll taste good. One assumes.

And that is a good point. *mulls* Really good.

[amireal.livejournal.com]

me: SF pragmatic, learns quickly, likes to be prepare for any occasion and will spend many an hour orgasmically reorganizing supplies. Will count sexual aids as important, life saving devices. Am delightfully padded which is a plus in the case of nuclear winter. Can also cook.

you: S M/F with survivalist training, mechanical engineering skills, can rig Wii to run on solar panels and projection screen on rock face. Looking to join a community of mountain dwellers who are only after survival. Lack of 'I'm smarter than you and therefore your opinion is not worth listening to' gene and medical training a plus.


Ideally, Jack O'Neil or John Sheppard b/c as someone said above, Sense of Humor becomes fucking important. Part of me wants a Rodney McKay type in the community because it's easier to build power supplies out of stones and bearskins if you've already discovered nuclear power, etc. Also, Janet Fraser. I'd be really into growing penecillin and stealing supplies from the local hospital.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*purrs* Nice. Very nice.

S M/F with survivalist training, mechanical engineering skills, can rig Wii to run on solar panels and projection screen on rock face.

Yeah. I'm going to need the PS3 and my laptop or there will be blood.

[windbringer1.livejournal.com]

when you are looking for a mate at the end of the world, you really are going to want to go with someone with some kind of vague sociopathic disorder

*Hysterical*, and also very true.

Upon reading the rest of it (with the fortress made of gum), my brain went, see? All we need is John and Rodney.

Granted, that's *two* men. But it could work.

I stand by my previous decision that on a desert island/foreign planet/post-Apocalypse etc, I would take SGA-1 with me.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

...we can totally do this in groups.

I stand by my previous decision that on a desert island/foreign planet/post-Apocalypse etc, I would take SGA-1 with me.

You know, of all the teams, they *do* have the best group of skillsets to survive anywhere from a desert to a technopunk post-apocalyptic disaster.

...okay, fine. John in Bladerunner literally shorts out my brain. And makes me want to fusion SGA and everything William Gibson ever wrote.

[taraljc.livejournal.com]

I think I'd need a reasonably fit librarian survivalist with both a horde of weapons AND books. Cos let's face it... I'm totally Burgess Meredith in this situation.

[vee-fic.livejournal.com]

GMTA! Libraries are a fount of survivalist knowledge!

[vee-fic.livejournal.com]

I don't know -- do you really want to hole up for a very long winter with somebody who has no social skills? Even if he doesn't go postal, there's no guarantee you won't, and then you're stuck in a cabin with somebody against whom you will lose.

My chief criterion for a post-apocalypse partner is somebody who doesn't fantasize about creepy retro-medieval female-subjugation scenarios. Everything else, we can learn from library books (yes of course in the event of an apocalypse I'd despoil -- or more likely, take over and live in -- a library); but I want somebody who lets me be in charge, about half of the time.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

My chief criterion for a post-apocalypse partner is somebody who doesn't fantasize about creepy retro-medieval female-subjugation scenarios. Everything else, we can learn from library books (yes of course in the event of an apocalypse I'd despoil -- or more likely, take over and live in -- a library); but I want somebody who lets me be in charge, about half of the time.

*thoughtful* I want to be in charge for everything I'm good at, I think.

Library == hell yes.

[kernezelda]

Ideally? To survive in a post-apocalyptic world, I'd want Spock, James Kirk, Saavik, T'Pau, Scorpius, John Crichton, Aeryn Sun, Kerr Avon, Cally, Dayna Mellanby, Jadzia Daz, Kira Nerys. Also Data, Dr. McCoy, Dr. Fraser, Dr. Crusher, Dr. Franklin, G'Kar, Lyta Alexander and Dr. James Herriot.

Doctors, veterinarian. Knowledge base. Survival-trained, combat and guerilla specialists, tech-geniuses. Telepath. Senior female leader for stability of group. Balanced ratio of male/female.

Also, several Cyteen azi for agricultural and livestock experience.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Oh, I like it. A post-Apocalyptic commune.

[allusionary.livejournal.com]

I'd carry this around for reference. (http://www.thinkgeek.com/books/humor/7838/) And look for someone who can help me build things and kill things and also understands that there will be times that I find the apocalypse irrationally, desperately, oh-god-pls-laugh-with-me-now funny.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Okay, you just made me put that on my amazon-to-buy list for the first. *GLEEE*

[rheanna27.livejournal.com]

Quaker-educated, middle-class accountant, likes reading, knitting and pleasant walks, dislikes confrontation and any hotel with a less than five star rating, seeks easy-on-the-eye vigilante/post-apocalyptic paladin, must be proficient with a variety of weapons and in hand-to-hand combat, ideally with hidden depths and a fascinating if troubled personal history, suitable for slow revelation over course of lengthy zombie seige. Good personal hygiene essential.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I swear I saw this movie.

Good personal hygiene essential.

This reminds me how I spent The Two Towers desperately hoping Aragorn would take a bath. The elves were clean!

[forestgreen.livejournal.com]

Wanted: Methos

No, seriously. The guy created apocalypse: Death. He knows how to handle himself in such situations. He's nice, clean, can kill people without blinking and won't feel bad about it or discuss, was a doctor, a farmer, a killer, a soldier, pretty much everything you can be. More important, he has no problems in running when necessary. This heroee types are a bit suicidal at times. Chances are good!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

...I think you win.

[sholio]

I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I am married to someone who not only would be an excellent provider after the apocalypse, but actively prepares for it. We own, among other things, a generator, a backhoe, and enough guns to equip a small militia. I have had to talk him out of buying massive quantities of dried food and burying it in the backyard. We have actually discussed, seriously, which edible plants we could grow here in Alaska and propagate ourselves from year to year without needing to resupply ourselves with seeds. (We'll be eating a lot of potatoes...)

After the collapse, you can all come join our compound. Guns provided, willingness to learn to shoot required. :D

[schizoauthoress.livejournal.com]

Guns provided, willingness to learn to shoot required. :D

Forget after, I want to come live with you now.