the borgias: a pictoral guide to why you should watch

Normally I think a pimp post has like, IDK, reasons and um, quality photoshop skills. That's tragic, since this has neither. But! You will know these things when you are through.

A.) Cesare is hot.
B.) Their clothes are kind of awesome.
C.) There are spas in Naples.

Right? Right.



Our Cast

Our Pope: Pope Alexander VI, AKA, Rodrigo Borgia

Our Pope's Former(ish) Mistress: Vannozza dei Cattanei, aka She Will Cut You, Just Wait For It

Our Hero Much More: Cesare Borgia (Armed and Dangerous in Skirts)

Our Heroine: Lucrezia Borgia, Sneakily Watching Cesare Get Laid (He Doesn't Mind at All)

So Annoying: Juan Borgia, Total Dick

Our Pope's Current Mistress: Guilia Farnese (Yes, That Is a Goat In Her Lap But Will Be a Unicorn in the Picture, Oh, Those Crazy Discount Enlightenment Artists)

Our Depressed Assassin: Michelotto Corello, Likes Long Walks on the Beach Toward Naples and Cesare Whipping Him

Our Deadly Enemy: Cardinal Della Rovere, Enjoys Citrus, Baths, and Male Torsos

Our Happy Ottoman Prince: Cjem, aka Do Not Get Attached, But God We Do Anyway

Now, to give some context.

Borgias 1.01/.02 - the poisoned chalice/the assassin

Cesare Borgia is sad. He is a man of the cloth but wants to be a normal person who is allowed to lead armies and kill people. But that's okay. There are compensations.



Well, one compensation.



He really likes this compensation.



There's a papal election. Rodrigo needs his son's help!



Due to lots of bribery, Rodrigo is made Pope! The Cardinals are pervs and verify Rodrigo's manhood. This is never not funny. I mean, ever.



There's a lovely coronation.



Cesare and Lucrezia are very moved.



...it's hard being a bishop, okay? DO NOT JUDGE CESARE. COMPENSATION.



Blah blah blah someone tries to kill the Pope, Michelotto warns Cesare, blah blah blah, there is whipping.



Yeah.

Meanwhile, Pope Alexander meets Giuilia Farnese. There is more whipping.



Then there is sex.

Michelotto goes to Della Rovere to show off his back. Della Rovere is very impressed.



With citrus, even.

Later, Michelotto kills a maid and puts her in della Rovere's bed, which is not his preferred type, so della Rovere runs, runs, run to Naples.

Michelotto is happy, though. Cesare likes him now!



And so ends episode one/two.

---

Borgias 1.03 - the Moor

Della Rovere goes to Naples and meets Crazy!Alfonso!



Crazy!Alfonso shows him His Special Room.



Crazy!Alfonso and Della Rovere have a spa day.



Then Michelotto tries to kill Della Rovere! And fails! It's sad.



Crazy!Alfonso is not happy with this carnage.



As this is going on, Cesare is made a Cardinal. There are rituals



Very much.



Maybe just one more.



But lo, he is still sad.



Meanwhile, Cjem and Lucrezia bond.



But he's going to die in like, three minutes, so let's skip away.

Lucrezia is worried about marriage. She can't imagine loving anyone as much as she loves Cesare. That's a quote. Cesare tells the story of Abelard and Heloise because that's very appropriate.



See? Appropriate. Then he promises to kill her husband if he's mean.



And them Cjem dies and it's so goddamn irritating.

So ends episode three.

---

Think of it this way; you can make money writing RPF and RPS. Just cast your characters well.

Comments

[cesare]

Cesare is hot.

\o/

(Hey, I'm invested in positive associations with the name.)

So how old is Lucrezia? Because she looks 15. Actually, in some of the closeups, more like 12.

[seperis]

Fourteen. She definitely acts the part really well.

[cesare]

Amazing how many talented young actors have been around in the past 20 years or so... it seems like so many current stars have been acting since their teens or even earlier...

Anyway, I thought I'd drop you a link to some illos from Cantarella, the manga that my icon is from. I only admired Japanese editions of it, and I don't read Japanese, but it seemed very in line with the TV show: lush costumes and lots of Cesare/Lucrezia and Cesare/Michelotto subtext, and every now and then some history. Also I think Cesare was possessed or haunted by a demon? Maybe it was just a metaphorical shadow on his soul. Whatever, I love that artist, especially the way she draws clothes.

[sami]

She's fourteen?

As in, the actress?

I am officially creeped out.

[seperis]

No, the character Lucrezia is fourteen. I don't remmember the actress's age.

[serrico]

\o/ Your amusement amuses me. :)

Those Borgia kids sure do enjoy sharing each others' personal bubbles. *happysigh*

[seperis]

Personal space is so pre-Enlightenment.

[ladyvyola]

Yes, That Is a Goat In Her Lap But Will Be a Unicorn in the Picture, Oh, Those Crazy Discount Enlightenment Artists

Look, I couldn't afford a unicorn, all right? Why you gotta be all up in my ruff about it?

::goes back to ogling Cesare and Lucrezia::

God, that's a lot of pretty pushing just the right buttons.

[seperis]

This. So much this. Episode four there is bathing her forehead while she's flushed from fever and reclined in bed. And so pretty.

[concinnity]

Those young ladies are very pretty. And young. *blinks* Also, you gots some *mad* photoshopping skills, yo.

[seperis]

*grins* I got lazy with the captioning. And also, that shit is hard, yo. I was getting hand cramps!

Thank you. *GLEE*

[brownbetty]

I really don't see ever getting into a show where I already know how everyone dies, but gosh your post is delightful.

[seperis]

We have years! I want to get to Lucrezia's illegitimate baby. Her affair with Paolo is up next, and boy, pretty? Yes.

[fyrdrakken]

:Sighs happily: Between this show and Game of Thrones (airing back-to-back, no less), my Sunday nights are going to be a great deal happier for the next few months.

[seperis]

I need to watch that.

[fyrdrakken]

I've only read the series (well, the four books that are out) once, years ago, and I've been saving them to reread for when the fifth book finally came out, and supposedly that's in July, which means I think I've got a window between the end of the TV season and the release of the new one to get the first four reread. But I remember enough of the important plot arcs to be catching some of the nods and foreshadowing.

[alwayswondered]

Ahaha, "I WILL STUFF U!" Best thing about this post.

[seperis]

You have to hear his Crazy!Laugh. It's like, you know he will stuff you. It's just when.

[aivilo_18]

Yeah. You had me at "whipping".

[seperis]

Michelotto with the whip and Giuilia with the silk flogger, I was like, best. show. ever.

[niqaeli]

So... basically, I should watch this for the pretty and go lalala on what I do know of the historical Borgias?

It does look very pretty.

(Also, Jeremy Irons. I heart him.)

[sami]

Wait, is Cesare actually the hero of this?

I don't think I could watch it, because, you know, :evil, archetypal douche: and all.

[seperis]

...I don't think there's a hero, per se.

[fyrdrakken]

He's the smartest person in the family, apparently. (Rodrigio isn't stupid, but there's a bit of occasional political naivete.) Not actually a decent guy, though he was the one who had qualms about killing their Moorish fosterling for money.

[seperis]

Hmm. I think he falls under Machiavellian decent, at least show-wise. The Moor episode really screwed with his character a little in having him bouncing around; without that, he comes off more ruthless than say, evil.

Rodrigo is actually closer, at least to me, in ordering Jem's death for money and in betraying hospitality and friendship as well.

[fyrdrakken]

Cesare has been doing really well in terms of staying within the lines of what I personally would consider ruthless but largely justified -- really, the show pulled an excellent move with having that first poisoning be of someone who was attempting to assassinate Rodrigo and Cesare, since it underscored that this was how Italian politics were at this time and that trying to rise above the nastiness would only get you killed. The Moor thing was hitting some personal taboos in terms of A) murdering someone trusting in your protection and hospitality and B) killing someone for direct financial gain rather than because they needed killing (whether in self-defense or because their own crimes merited execution), so I was pleased that Cesare was showing some qualms and refusing to help Juan the Douche. (Even though I noted that part of his reluctance might come down to unexamined resistance to seeing Lucretia married off, rather than to last lingering moral scruples. Though, god, that bit where the Moor (Cjem, was his name?) talked about converting to Christianity -- that was highlighting that actually Cesare did have some sense of right and wrong, a guilty conscience about this particular matter.)

[sami]

Historically speaking (and then I'll shut up about this, for the most part, but to a certain extent whitewashing the Borgias kind of makes me really angry), Lucrezia had already been married by the age of fourteen. That husband, when he became surplus to (political) requirements, was first run off when Cesare threatened to kill him, then the Pope (Rodrigo) had him declared impotent and the marriage annulled.

Her second husband actually did take Lucrezia's attentions away from Cesare, so he stabbed him, and then when the dude survived, Cesare had him strangled. This wasn't exactly an unheard of move for Cesare, of course, since he drowned the Papal Chamberlain for getting too close to her earlier.

And the odds are Cesare fathered her first child.

[(Anonymous)]

I really could have done without that comment because I'm deliberately refraining from learning any more about the historical Borgias until at least the end of the season because A) spoilers but also B) it makes it easier to enjoy the costume drama without being annoyed by the choices made by the production crew.

That being said, I gather they're starting off slow and trying to get the audience invested in these characters and showing their reasons for acting this way before indulging in a crescendo of depravity. Not wanting to numb the audience at the outset and all.

[fyrdrakken]

That anon reply was me, I lost my login.

[sami]

So, really not at all concerned with historical accuracy then. (Cesare and moral qualms aren't compatible concepts. Like, at all...)

[ide-cyan.livejournal.com]

Our Pope's Former(ish) Mistress: Vannozza dei Cattanei, aka She Will Cut You, Just Wait For It

Sorsha Borgia!

[meine-liebe.livejournal.com]

XD XD XD XD GOD, i think Micheletto n Cesare + lucrezia can have their own ship and i'll be happy.

... can i spam u with the manga now?

[clari-clyde.livejournal.com]

I’ve read all your recaps of the show, thinking it would suffice for not having Showtime. However . . .

O.O

Yeah, I’m gonna have to find a way.

Is Cjem in more than one episode?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*sad* No, just ep three. But he's in a lot of it, and so adroable. It's like DELIBERATELY HOT AND ADORABLE and just--man. I almost cried.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Messaged you. Also, your LJ keeps giving me 500 errors. But not your profile. Very weird.

[the-moonmoth.livejournal.com]

Do you know of anywhere to download the eps? I'm not in the states, but a little bit desperate to watch!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Messaged you.

[oaktree89.livejournal.com]

The number of times I saw a still of Cesare and Lucrezia and thought, "That's inappropriate": SO. MANY.

Also I am really sad that the Happy Ottoman Prince apparently dies...! He's so cute ;___;

May actually have to start watching this show now...

[devin-chain.livejournal.com]

Already watching, and your thoughts sounds a lot like mine. :) It's so wrong that I ship Lucrezia and Cesare. And that I love Michelotto as I do.

[ender24]

siblingcest has never been more attractive!!!
where the fuck are the million fanvids????
please do rec fanvids with them (any combination of anyone of those above) if you find them!
(sadly my workplace has blocked all and everything youtube!! stupid though I can go to facebook!)

[inesdelsol.livejournal.com]

oh dear... I love this series. And Lucrezia and Cesare... hell yes. GOD YES.

[sundae-sweet.livejournal.com]

Hello, I love your Borgias commentary, so I hope its ok if I friend you! Also agreed on the Cesare/Lucrezia hawtness. Number 1 reason why I'm watching this show. That and leather pants and Jeremy Iron's sexy, gravel voice.