sleepy but not asleep yet

There's just something about me the last week that says, "this will go wrong."

No, really. I mean, not all the time. It's all in sneaky, undercover ways, so people look at me like I'm crazy when I say that yes, I'm apparently coming into a curse that was cast at my birth by some very pissed off godparent, because it's just--bizarre.

Okay, maybe not entirely *wrong*. But witness this little bit of conversation.

It's jeans-shopping. This is the lowest maintenance piece of clothing in my life, other than my three-to-a-pack white t-shirt thing that really, *comfy*, Hanes, best friend for life. Seriously. I know my inseam, I generally know my waist, and it's all math--pick up teh jeans, look at the size, walk out.

But no. Being a girl and being tall sucks if you want jeans that fit. For years I gravitated toward men's jeans, 29 waist, 34 or 36 leg. Easy stuff. Could do it in my sleep.

Then I went shopping with Nezsa. And decided, since the last pair of jeans I bought were for women and, miracle of miracles, fit, I would check out what the girls were wearing in jeans this year.

Pair 1: Levi, Boot cut low-riders

Me: I like-=-

Nezsa: No.

Me: But--

Nezsa: Your thighs look weird. Take them off.

Me: ...my thighs are weird?

Nezsa: In those jeans? Yes. Take. Them. Off.

This continued through low riders set 2, vintage, 3, and these stretchy ones that scared me but I thought looked good, but my Weird Thighs, because honestly, I *need* more body issues, and thighs so far had escaped my attention, were just fighting this tooth and nail.

Now that I think about it, my thighs do seem weird. I also have disportionately long legs. Yes, seriously, this is what i need to obsess about. Argh.

So she ran through everything that looked denim. Now, surprisingly, finding an inseam that kicks over 34 is not as easy as you might think. And sometimes, just plain impossible. My sixth pair--I'm not joking, I tried on six pairs of jeans for her, and I don't try on clothes if I can help it--she agreed with and was kind enough to let me buy them.

So I thought, okay, that wasn't so bad. So now I had Weird Thighs, but really comfy jeans that were the correct length. This is happiness.

Today, went shopping for blinds for my room. Twice. As neither set I bought fit the window. Because of course, a tape measure isn't good enough. You need this measured by *geometrists* or something to get the correct proportioned, which means my windows can be looked through by any perve in the area who wants to scare me to death.

Or I can go for that elegant sheet-over-the-window look.

I'm telling you, there's a lot ot be said for hanging the blue monkey sheets in teh windows. You know, the ones facing the road.

Oh yeah. I'm all about the class this year.

Did I mention my stackable shoe rack didn't fit my other stackable shoe rack? Yes, my day has been *marvelous*.

Blah blah blah

Did a author-sweep of scribblinlenore at SSA here. I always forget how deeply, passionately, I love Aphrodesia, that single-handedly reconciled me to the concept of Ponn Farr!Clark. I mean, saffron. That's just so cool.

It also got me through insomnia, version 2.3, the one where it's not just being tired and can't sleep. It's a hellish place of being tired, can't sleep, and can't stop thinking. These are the times that things like Lobster!Ben become really reasonable, revolutionary ideas in fiction. Or Clark growing wings. At four in the morning, my pillow and I had a deep conversation about how this could change Clark's life. Then we remembered Te did it already, and well, damn.

In case anyone's forgotten: Whosoever Loveth and Maketh a Lie. The one with wings and kinky sex.

In the last month, I have read or re-read the following:

Clark with a two pronged penis.
Clark with a self-lubing ass.
Clark with a self-lubing penis.
Clark turned into a girl. This genre deserves its own archive. Seriously.
Clark turned into a girl and getting pregnant. Own. Archive. I want them all together somewhere.
Clark staying technically male and getting pregnant. See above.
Clark getting his ass-hymen removed.
Clark the cannibal.
Clark with wings. Feathery ones.
Clark turns into a cat.
Clark turns into a frog.
The one where Clark's penis talks to him.
The one from mutant fish pov.
Pon Farr!Clark

Edited to Add, via pearlo

Clark with a prehensile penis. I completely forgot, but I read it sometime this summer.

Edited to Add, via svmadelyn and hwmitzy

Clark with a knot in his penis.
Clark with a retractable penis.

I have no idea what this means at all, but it's been an adventurous month, don't you think?

Hmm. Did I miss anything interesting?

Comments

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Is the two pronged penis the same or different as the prehensile penis? I can't remember.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

OMG I forgot that one. different. Must add to list. I know I read that sometime this summer.

*ponders* I read too much.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Am I imagining one where Clark had two penises? For some reason, that's sticking in my head now. We need a SSA search that covers this sort of thing.

oooo-kay

[astrea9562.livejournal.com]

Hehe, I wanna read the ass-hymen story. Do you have a link? *g*

And uh, I'm glad your jeans fit, I think?

*hugs*

Re: oooo-kay

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Anything for you, chica. You'll likes.

The Lost Bizarre Ass Rituals of a Kryptonian Boy (http://sparkage.illuminatedtext.com/clexicon/rituals.html) by hwmitzy

This story still makes me giggly.

[j-bluestocking.livejournal.com]

I believe links are necessary here. For the pursuit of knowledge.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*g* Ask and I will find. Though I have this urge now to go looking for all of them. Most should still be in my cache somewhere.

[justblue0162.livejournal.com]

Clark's penis talked to him and I missed it? omg! Do you have a link? *begs prettily*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Dammit, SSA is down. Hopefully temporarily.

But link from my rec page.

Kryptobiology (http://smallville.slashdom.com/archive/23/kryptobiology.html) by meret. You will spit soda on the monitor during the reading.

[serrico.livejournal.com]

*pretend that whole list of Clark's alien sex-parts has been quoted here*

Sometimes you just have to make a list like that to remind you of how fantastically, crack-headedly wonderful fanfic can be.

Clark getting his ass-hymen removed.
Clark the cannibal.
Clark with wings. Feathery ones.

Good times, man. Good times.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I love my fandom. Sometimes, I think only Smallville could be so inventive with someone's penis.

*hugs fandom hard*

[juno.livejournal.com]

A lot of these were posted at alien_desires

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Mmm. I like your icon!

[eliade.livejournal.com]

Now that I think about it, my thighs do seem weird. I also have disportionately long legs. Yes, seriously, this is what i need to obsess about. Argh.

One day my trainer pointed out that my shoulders were irregular, that my right was quite a bit higher than my left. Needless to say I've dwelled and brooded and lip-chewed on this ever since.

Your reading log scares me. If I had a penis I'd cover it with both hands and run away.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

One day my trainer pointed out that my shoulders were irregular, that my right was quite a bit higher than my left. Needless to say I've dwelled and brooded and lip-chewed on this ever since.

*sighs* All it takes is *one* comment....

Your reading log scares me. If I had a penis I'd cover it with both hands and run away.

And yet spam keeps foolishly offering me large penii. Foolish spam. *g*

[westmin.livejournal.com]

Or I can go for that elegant sheet-over-the-window look.

*wonders why Casper comes to mind*

there's a lot ot be said for hanging the blue monkey sheets in teh windows.

*takes that thought back*

The one from mutant fish pov.

this is an actual mutant fish, right? (instead of Clark-turned-fish)

O__o

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Yep! Black Pond (http://smallville.slashdom.com/archive/1/blackpond.html) by viridian. So freaking *funny*.

[misskatherine.livejournal.com]

::whimpers::

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*hugs gently* It's okay.

[permetaform]

But what about the one where he glows during sex?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Ooh! Golden by CJ Andre and Reetchick! *LOVE* that one.

[jcalanthe]

My sympathies about the jeans shopping. I went thru a similar sort of thing when a friend of mine decided I needed to leave the 80s with new jeans (this was circa 2000). I have the opposite problem tho - everything is too long. Maybe I could send you the extra 5 inches at the bottom? ;)

I'm into the blue monkey sheets as curtains. Of course, B & I still plot turning our living room into the Link-a-Monkey room, so you may wish to avoid my decorating thoughts...

[seperis.livejournal.com]

My sympathies about the jeans shopping. I went thru a similar sort of thing when a friend of mine decided I needed to leave the 80s with new jeans (this was circa 2000). I have the opposite problem tho - everything is too long. Maybe I could send you the extra 5 inches at the bottom? ;)

*snickers* I would so take you up on that if it were possible. I'ts just a miracle to find jeans that really fit.

I'm into the blue monkey sheets as curtains. Of course, B & I still plot turning our living room into the Link-a-Monkey room, so you may wish to avoid my decorating thoughts...

Link-a-monkey? *bounces* That sounds *original*.

[emstardust.livejournal.com]

Being a girl and being tall sucks if you want jeans that fit.

Hey - I didn't know you were a member of the 34-36 inseam crowd! I'm a longtime connoisseur of mens jeans and ugly 'tall girl' catalog clothes. I got unreasonably excited recently when I learned that Banana Republic now carries pants in tall sizes. ;-)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

They do? Huh. *writes down*

I like Express. So far, it's actually possible to find nice dress pants that are long enough there. Kills my clothes budget, but fits! Whee!

[deadlychameleon.livejournal.com]

I'm just mad about saffron...Saffron's mad about me.
They call it Mellow Yellow
Quite Rightly.

Clark with a two pronged penis.
nope. Haven't read that one.
Clark with a self-lubing ass.
Clark with a self-lubing penis.
Clark turned into a girl.
Don't think I've read it.
Clark turned into a girl and getting pregnant.
That I've read. *g* Yay Rhiannonhero! C'est La Vie. Great title.
Clark staying technically male and getting pregnant. Several times.
Clark getting his ass-hymen removed.
Back when I was still in college, I tried to explain that one to my roomate. That was probably a bad idea, although it did explain why I was laughing hysterically.
Clark the cannibal.
Yes, thanks for the brain scars. He waves with someone else's arm, right? Although, when you think about it, it's not technically cannibalism, because he's an alien. And the one where he turns into some weird insect?
Clark with wings. Feathery ones.
That Lex bites!
Clark turns into a cat.
nope.
Clark turns into a frog.
Heh. Nope.
The one where Clark's penis talks to him.
Yes.
The one from mutant fish pov.
I think so.
Pon Farr!Clark
Yep! Could have lived without the discussion of Martha Kent in her tight jeans though.
Clark with a knot in his penis.
Yes. *giggles*
Clark with a retractable penis.
Yes. Oooooh dear. The memorable title? "A good question"
Actually, somewhere, there's a Star Wars fic where Qui-Gon has one. Guess why.
It's cold on his home planet.
And oh yes, it's self lubricating.

-Silverkyst

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*collapses, laughing*

Fandom is so *small* sometimes.

[meret.livejournal.com]

You might want to check out my SV fairy tale story in a few days. I'm not sure when Aelora will post them, but it's due the 18th. *eg*

[svmadelyn.livejournal.com]

Is it a sequel? Is it a fairy tale type sequel?! Does...does Richard rise again? *bounces*

If it's not, that's okay, because I'll trust that with this topic and with you writing, there will be good times.

*grins*

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

Oh you poor thing! I hate trying on clothes too, and Annie makes me do it. I have the oppositejeans problem from you, although my thighs are weird (you're too tall and slender to have weird anything, btw). I'm short, and finding anything that isn't seemingly the length and cut for REALLY Tall Women (anyone over 5'6" is REally Tall to me) seems impossible (we're talking like, I don't know, 28 - 29" inseam probably).

[seperis.livejournal.com]

(you're too tall and slender to have weird anything, btw).

Remind me to take pictures of those jeans. I want to blame the jeans, but man, this explains *so many* of my skirt issues.

I'm short, and finding anything that isn't seemingly the length and cut for REALLY Tall Women (anyone over 5'6" is REally Tall to me) seems impossible (we're talking like, I don't know, 28 - 29" inseam probably).

Huh. I see 30 to 32 being the most common, and maybe 29. After and before that, it's kind of--well, *hard*. I went through three different labels looking for jeans that would fit.

Hmm. I've wondered how a friend of mine, at literally 4'11", used to find jeans that fit.

[carioca.livejournal.com]

Clark turns into a frog.

He-eey, I've read that! *gg* It's the one where Lionel steps on Lana who has also turned into frong, right? Would you happen to have kept a link to it? :)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Yes! And it's at SSA somewhere, I think--God, it was posted last year sometime, but I cannot remember for the life of me what it was called, though I ran across it recnetly off a rec page.

*grr* must think.

[krisdia.livejournal.com]

What about the one where Clark goes through these phases where he HAS to have sex with Lex, like an alien biological necessity, even after they've broken up? Or, wait, isn't that a whole genre? *grin*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

PonFarr!Clark, from Star Trek, when Spock had his time of the--er, seven years. *g* Fabulous genre. Should totally be more of them.

[saturnalia.livejournal.com]

Clark turned into a girl. This genre deserves its own archive. Seriously.

It really, really does. Have any links apart from that one story?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I can remember Rivka's Switch and Rhiannonhero's story. I know there are two others I've read, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember if it was at SSA or off a rec page. Tehre's also an AU by someone where Clark *is* a girl, but I've never read it, just heard about it.

[xoverau.livejournal.com]

I am so scarred.

And I thought we were weird in popslash.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*snorts* Oh *please*. Do you *need* me to list what I read? Because *man*....

*grins* Fandom is *pretty*, isn't it?

[ailise.livejournal.com]

Did you get the one where PonFar!Clark turned Lex's skin irridescent by fucking him? Snicker.

[carioca.livejournal.com]

Seems familiar... is that the one where Lionel arranges for pictures to be taken so it would seem like Clark is sleeping around? and sends those to Lex? That one I really liked, honestly... apart from the glowing part, that is. :)

[fyrdrakken]

Well, don't do any more shopping with this overly-picky person who wants to give you body issues.

And if you're down to tacking things over the window, get one of those printed (or tie-dyed) tapestry-like things or blankets. I keep thinking I'm going to find something good to cover my own window with to hide the plain blue bedspread. (Which isn't visible from the street, since I have blinds in the window -- the bedspread and hopeful eventual tapestry are to A) block light from entering through the slats between the blinds and shining in my eyes when I'm trying to sleep late on weekends and B) help insulate the heat sink of the window.)