and lo, upon the horizon, my libido approaches. I ignore it.

In continuing adventures of How Jenn Got Her Libido Back--this is tagged 'unrequited'.

Relates to my startled realization I am, in fact, human, and suddenly find myself in the middle of a crush. So embarrassing.

So class. Funnily, I fell asleep during class on Tuesday, so homework was extra bizarre in that all my notes were written in a way that didnt' encourage reading them. Randomly--I still can't IPO or diagram a program before I write it. I mean, I can, but it's impossibly hard. Whereas I can get the skeleton of a program up and boom, I can do everything. Part of it has to be how I write as well--I can't really pre-plot an entire story all that well either before writing it. I mean, I *can* and have, but usually it works a lot better if I wait until I'm a bit in and can see what patterns are already there and how the shape will develop.

Beside the point.

We were talking with some other people before class about using tabs in output text, and etc etc etc--anyway, during the lab I was having my professor check my flowchart (Okay, I admit, I get a kick when he writes on my charts stuff like "nice design!" I am very in need of outside approval. Judge all you like.), and while waiting he went to print his; since our professor had been working with him on his, I appropriated it to read, and he gave me a look and then asked if I'd lost weight since the beginning of the semester.

*facepalm*

Jesus God. Also, I realized he's taller than me, and I remembered he used to do calesthenics regularly and carried large firearms and probably sweats attractively. At some point in his life, not too long ago, eh wore BDU's. He's also smart.

Will not throw self at guy-with-girlfriend. I actually won't and wouldn't--that alone actually acts nicely to kill libido quickly--but seriously. My physical type. And I'd love arguing with him, and I'd enjoy mocking him, and I'd enjoy both coming from him.

My only real solace is hoping he's actually a total asshole and the charm of arguing with him is actually him on his very best behavior. Or he is a playboy. Or he eats raw squirrel. Kills cats for fun. Hates Atlantis. Please.



When I was a young and cocky twenty, I used to go dancing at Fort Hood. Don't stop me if I've told this story, you can totally skip it. This was soon after the Odd and Disconcerting Married Guy Has Sex With Best Friend in Hot Tub All Three of Us Are In And Offers Threesome And Hands Me Their Bathing Suits While I Drink Vodka And Ponder My Life; anyway, I met Sean.

Sean was hot.

Never before or since have I met, dated, or breathed near someone that unearthly. I keep thinking I must have imagined it, but I check my barely used diary from that period and yes. Yes. Even then, I'd boggled; first, on that he existed, and second, why on earth he was interested in me. Anyway, Sean is the reason I picked up a truly surprising thing for military; he would walk around in his uniforms or breathe or just stand still and I would just lose the ability to think rationally. At nineteen, I knew crushes and I'd even been in love, but I'd never, ever had that kind of purely physical, visual response to anyone.

The odd part is, he was supposed to be my try at a one night stand, but after i sent him home, he called again for dates. And more dates. Dates that didn't even involve nakedness or removing my bra. And I think that at the time disconcerted me greatly--I'd already categorized him as that guy I slept with once (wanting to get that entire sleeping-with-random-people-phase-going-that-just-never-worked-out) and then boom, he was around and buying me food and the really horrific truth is we dated for a couple of months and I still have no idea what kind of person he was. He just--was so attractive, and I was used to falling for guys who were brilliant and overachievers and sharp and fantastic speakers; the shock of finding someone purely physically attractive was something I couldn't quite figure out. A lot of my memories of him are arranged in visions of him doing some kind of nightshift thing and me staring at him while he walked around the office, staring at him when I woke up after he came back from working out in the morning, or staring at him while he breathed. There was, I repeat, a lot, lot, lot of staring.

I have no real idea why we stopped seeing each other; I called about Saturday, he didn't call back, I left a message, then I blew it off. I never saw him again, and a part of me nervously thinks that he was aware of my admittedly-shallow reaction. Granted, I assume it would have eventually worn off, but for all I know, maybe I was just lousy at sex. Eh.

But--it stuck. I got to know a lot of guys in the army, from all night card games and dancing and house parties and etc, and I liked them a lot as people, but I will admit that Sean set a certain place in my head for this insane knee-jerk of God, yes when I see a uniform.



It's not like I'm reading anything into it--I just had one male coworker ask if I gained weight, and my BMI still sits stubbornly at just-overweight that annoys me. Stupid weird inappropriate girl reactions. I need to find my zen. And he needs to stop arguing with me so much because hey, that's foreplay to me and wow, I am so glad class will be over in a few weeks.

In closing: damn him. Also, I looked like hell because I am determined to never look like I am at all trying to in any way appear attractive. OTOH, I finished all my programming up and got to leave early before I did something idiotic like wander over and ask to read his etchings.

Maybe I should get another rabbit?

Comments

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

You're a million feet tall. I'm sure your BMI's fine.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*sulks at BMI chart* I hate that thing. I never worried before I tried it.

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

I don't trust those things. My BMI's 23 and I feel overweight.

[elaran.livejournal.com]

BMI is not an accurate representative of your healthiness based on your weight/height thingy. Waist:Hip ration is more accurate. or something.

[sapote3.livejournal.com]

I sit one pound under overweight (hi, do we know each other? I friended you because I enjoy things that you write, now I shall proceed to share my opinion on Life). I used to feel bad about this, until I met someone else who was exactly my proportions (tallish and not small-boned) and went, damn, other person, you look okay!

Now I feel better.
I think it comes from comparing myself to little people with little tiny ribcages who are chubby at a weight where I would snap in half and die. Throws my sense of proportion off.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*g* Share alllll you want. I love sharing. Sharing is the meaning of livejournal existence.

Glancing at my high school pictures when I was cheerleader reminds me of the dangers of worrying about it--I looked skeletal. I was a lot more athletic then, but my face and arms freak me out a little, they're so sharp and bony in a very not-good way. I really wish I had those pictures from college where I lost all that weight when I was depressed--I think those would seriously motivate me to never worry about gaining weight because dear God, I looked bad. Now I look in the mirror and see a body that feels right and *looks* right and I seriously need to remember that.

NAd yu know, not look at BMI charts, because seriously. Ick.

[summertea.livejournal.com]

okay seriously, i do not understand the whole graphing out a program thing. i just start doing it. write a skeleton, build it on it, write random functions that are supposed to do what i need later, and more editing.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD PROGRAMMERS??

[seperis.livejournal.com]

It's very--it just *confuses* me if I flowchart or IPO first. writing it out? SO MUCH EASIER AND FASTER.

[out-there.livejournal.com]

(wanting to get that entire sleeping-with-random-people-phase-going-that-just-never-worked-out)

Heh. see, I keep waiting for that to start, and ... well, at this stage? I'm guessing it's never going to happen.

On the other hand, I've read and written a lot more smut that I ever thought I would, so it probably all evens out.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I totally tried--my friends were doing it!--but it never quite gelled. Then I had CHild and started school and work and seriously, I have so much to do, I have no idea how I'd fit even a one-night stand in when I could be writing or working on my homework or....

Hmm. I feel that last sentence is wrong, but I have no idea how.

On the other hand, I've read and written a lot more smut that I ever thought I would, so it probably all evens out.

*grins* Cuts down on clean-up.

[niqaeli]

Okay, seriously, you're a million feet tall as someone else already noted, and *gorgeous*.

Also? The BMI is *notoriously* useless and misleading. When I was 15, I was a *stick*. People were all "...here, eat something," at me pretty much, oh, all the time. The BMI? Thought I was overweight. Because it couldn't tell the difference between muscle and fat.

So, yes, please to not be freaking out over that stupid system. :D

[niqaeli]

Oh, oh! Also, if you want to distract yourself with the horrifying, bizarre things people will do to their own bodies, go wander through the genital piercings or the extreme modifications on this wiki. Like 80% of my knowledge of bizarre shit like that comes from that wiki! It's fun and games, scarring unsuspecting innocents with it all. (Seriously, nothing is funnier than explaining a partial bisection of the penis which thereby allows the possessor of said penis to turn it inside out to people. And that's not even the most disturbing thing on there!)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

You are cruel. You knew I'd click.

*blank stare*

[niqaeli]

:D!

But now you know! And knowing is half the battle.

(okay, yes, I am cruel.)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I wish I hadn't been curious. Intellectually, I can see I'm fine--at worst I need to exercise more to tone up, but I *remember* my teen years of extreme thin when I was super active and just looking at the pictures reminds me I do not really ever want to look like that again.

Thsi is totally irrational reaction, I know. Gah. Must. Not. Look at that thing.

[shrewreader.livejournal.com]

BMI is about 100 some years old and ridiculous.

For further information, try the hysterically divine Flickr slide show here. (http://flickr.com/photos/77367764@N00/tags/bmi/show/) It's brilliant.

Also, you should totally try for hot guy. Worst case -- you get a guyfriend....

[seperis.livejournal.com]

OH! I rembmer someone posting that! Thank you for reminding me!

[grammarwoman]

Isn't "have you lost weight?" guyspeak for "I am noticing you and you look GOOOOOOOD", or at least "I am trying to pay you a compliment and thinking about possibly making a move on you if you respond favorably"?

Lay the subtle groundwork now, and when he and the gfriend split (Atlantis fan or not, she's not the one for him, or she would be in the class, too [I'm trying here, OK?]), you'll be in a great position to decide if you want to pursue.

If he hasn't been arrested for asshole playboy raw-squirrel-eating cat murders in the meantime, that is.

In any case, enjoy the libido buzz.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*G* It is weirdly fun to *be* attracted to someone. Work does not overflow with men of either my type or the unmarried persuasion, so it was kind of nice to remember, right, I am female and can and do have some of the basic human reactions to men. Just disconcerting when it hits during class. *g*

Hmm. I could see if he wants to be my partner for the next project. *mulls*

[roguewords.livejournal.com]

Hee. I like that story. And I giggle at you having a crush. *nods*

Ya know what? I don't look like it, but according to the bmi i'm... morbidly obese, i think. I'm 5'3" and 186 (nobody who's seen me will believe that of course.) That of course doesn't take into affect that a large majority of my body is muscle.

I stopped paying attention to it a while ago. it just makes my head hurt.

*uses icon with the closest thing to a man in uniform*

[lavilleperdue.livejournal.com]

Awww, your crush story makes me smile. :) (Yes, I am at the point in my life where I vicariously live through other people's love lives *g*)

Also, flowcharting sucks. Yeah, sure, you're supposed to do it before you write the program, but I always end up scribbling it out afterward based on my code. Heh.

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

Sean explains much, I see. I've noticed that you & I have very different attitudes toward the military, man in a uniform, etc., and I think a good deal of it is generational. I was about 3 years too young for many guys I knew to be sent to Vietnam, but I knew a few and more later, and they were all scarred in mind and/or body. And I grew up, and the guys I knew grew up, with that hammer hanging over our heads, with no end in sight.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*nods* That makes sense; my aunt and my mother are both slightly wary of the military in general, but they were both around for Vietman as well.

Well, this story is the kinkish--thingie. *G* The attitude was formed over time in the barracks and interacting with the guys I met there. I only dated once or twice with the guys, but unlike any of the frat guys or most college guys I met, I never felt--hmm. Wary, the way I did at frat houses or at parties or when I was drinking or when I wasn't. It was an interesting experience at nineteen-twenty when the stories I'd heard tended to be far more negative of the military in general and army guys in specific, and in the barracks, as a rule, there was a lot less protection for me in general than there was at a dorm or a college campus.

So that tended to influence me in my attitude and feelings toward/about them. While I'm aware that there's a proportion of men in teh military that suck, I tend to think it equal to the number of men in the general population that suck, and lower than men in frat houses that suck. Of which I have stories, though most are sadly only third person hearsay; after my first semester in college, I tended to avoid their houses unless I went in a group and all of us were not drinking.