seperis | *grumbles*

Also, while I'm feeling invulnerable and rather grumpy.

Thing I Really Wish People Would Stop Doing

For the love of God, random capitalization without rhyme or reason must stop. It's the reading equivalent of nails on the chalkboard. I'm not pointing to a specific fandom here or anything (smallville) or pairing (Lex/Lana), but hey, if this applies to you? Seriously, quit that. Lex is naked. I'm kinda your bitch until you start doing that.

Any time you are adding on extra body parts, explain what the hell they are doing there. My tentacle mpreg strategy didn't just appear by magic, people. There was porn, and then suddenly, there were tentacles, and if you want to make me cry, you'll tell me how I should be more open minded, because I'm open minded, but seriously. Tentacles. Just there. For no discernible reason. So didn't see that coming. I understand the joy of shocking your readers. But making them cry and foreswear all porn in the foreseeable future? Not so much with the good.

In author notes, do not ever tell me you have done anything you have written about, in detail. I really don't like you that much. I mean, I like some of you a lot, and all of you in different ways, but only a few of you are the ones I am going to be comfortable, or stupid enough with, to say, please, tell me more of your six person and whipped cream orgy that's just like that WiP you are working on. Yeah, so. I'm reading your porn. I do not need your sexual history too. Unless I'm very drunk. Then I won't remember. So see, just ask me if I'm drunk before you do that.

I'm serious about that wonton thing. Stop that. That's really really getting on my nerves. And also, making me go from ooh, pretty, to ooh, Chinese food.

Honey is not good lube, and where the hell did *that* come from? Is there some huge, multifandom challenge of all the things that shouldn't be lube out there and some brave souls are trying to write each one?

I'll think of more later. Anyone want to come play with me? I am lonely, and also, trying to write, and also, really, do you want these posts to continue until I can finally fall sleep? Cause y'all, so far, the forecast says the frantic energy *isn't going away*.

My husband told me to reply "Laissez les wontons roulez!" Shall I smack him for you?

Aww, now I'm hungry again. So not good.

*sighs*

*giggles a lot*

I'm serious about that wonton thing.

The second I read that I desperately wanted Chinese. Now I'm starving.

I'm reading your porn. I do not need your sexual history too.

I'm sort of amazed and shocked that people would mention that on a story-post. I mean, yes, *maybe*, possibly, its the type of thing you'd mention to a close friend on AIM, but posting for the whole fannish world to read...? Um. No.

I'm sort of amazed and shocked that people would mention that on a story-post. I mean, yes, *maybe*, possibly, its the type of thing you'd mention to a close friend on AIM, but posting for the whole fannish world to read...? Um. No.

I don't think there's anything that makes good porn bad like realizing this is a very strange author insert story of a kind. Cause wow. So no.

Perhaps it's their way of compensating for being turned down for an appearance on the Jerry Springer show. Or....cheap therapy? Maybe converting to Catholicism and confessing their sexual exploits to a hot, young, priest would do the trick, thereby sparing us all the ick factor?

And hey! Are you already bored with your new mixer?????? *clenches jaw mightily against nagging for Somewhere verse fic* *chants* "Not going to ask!" "Not going to ask!"

Perhaps it's their way of compensating for being turned down for an appearance on the Jerry Springer show. Or....cheap therapy? Maybe converting to Catholicism and confessing their sexual exploits to a hot, young, priest would do the trick, thereby sparing us all the ick factor?

Yes, please. Or hell, just label it original porn and go for it. I dont' need a roleplay here in my porn. A really scary roleplay.

And hey! Are you already bored with your new mixer?????? *clenches jaw mightily against nagging for Somewhere verse fic* *chants* "Not going to ask!" "Not going to ask!"

Trying! Promise!

Soap. Shower sex, while not something I'll buy in bulk because hi, slippery and lack of room to manuever, I can appreciate every now and then. Using soap for lube? Not so much. Aside from the fact that one person should never go near another with a penis, a bottle of body wash, and a hopeful expression, let's think of the suds for a moment, people. The suds. I don't know if sex is a sudsy activity, but it's all I can think about every time someone reaches for the soap.

You have a point.

Aside from the fact that one person should never go near another with a penis, a bottle of body wash, and a hopeful expression,

I spit coffee for that phrase. Oh God. *still giggling* Yes. So a point there.

You know, now that you mention it, the suds are a serious problem. That would--I mean, it would cut out some activity with the entire wow, mouthfuls of suds thing that will occur.

Huh.

Ha! You beat me to it with this pet peeve. Soap is the worst lube I can think of. In addition to the issues you mention, soap is full of lye! Lye, on delicate bits! Makes me wince every time.

Stoping into comments because jenn always has great ones, and this made me laugh. Heh.

I don't like when authors feel the need to tell me that this is their first fic EVER and/or that it's really bad or that they didn't spell check or beta it. I'm not going to read your story if you say any of those things. What are they thinking?

*grind teeth* Yes. And never say no spellcheck. Just don't. Let us all beleive that your word processing thing just, you know, *broke down* or something. Don't advertise.

*stops grinding to save jaw*

I never thought you were racist. Frankly I'm shocked. I would never have guessed you were tentaclephobic.

Hmph.

You make me sick.

*snickers* It's more like a dread, really.

Oh come on. Think of all of the extra things Lex can do to Clark with tentacles.

I mean, I'm not saying I'd read it. But it's fun to *think* about it.

Can I add lack of paragraphs to the list? I know it's common, but it goes without saying. Fics without paragraphs give me a headache (so freaking difficult to keep a track of where you are).

Oh come on. Think of all of the extra things Lex can do to Clark with tentacles.

It's like you're psychically intuiting my nightmares here. Wow.

Can I add lack of paragraphs to the list? I know it's common, but it goes without saying. Fics without paragraphs give me a headache (so freaking difficult to keep a track of where you are).

Oh God, I can't read stories like that. It just--blurs out into nothingness. *shudders* Yes. Big one there. Paragraphs are your friend.

It's like you're psychically intuiting my nightmares here. Wow.

See this just makes me think you really do like tentacle porn. You complain about it far too often for me to believe you. Frankly it seems a little forced. Times have changed, tentacle porn is in now.

I know some stories are meant to be AU, but there's AU and then there's *AU*. I dislike poor stories that veer *wildly* from the basic characteristics. Can anyone imagine Lex calling Lana his little 'piggy'? It seems forced and strange; even for an AU story.

Okay, nightmare #2--Lex calling Lana his little piggy.

Oh dear God.

Mmmm. Wontons. Mmmm. Honey. Now I'm hungry, too.

Tentacle mpreg? LOL! Links! Where are the links?

I will neither lead horses to water or make them drink. I will *hold their heads* from the scary water, even.

Plus, I'm pretty sure the trauma blocked it from my mind.

I'm pretty sure there's lots and lots of tentacle mpreg in the HP fandom, what with the whole Squidfic kink going on there...

You still awake? Cause I just got online and there is no sign of you.

Ha! Forget that, cause I fell asleep like ten minutes later.

For the love of God, random capitalization without rhyme or reason must stop.

Okay, now does that include the email I wrote you?

Cos if it does I am SO ashamed right now.

It is at moments like this that I wish I did live journal so I could underscore the point with a cute little picture. Maybe a really sad looking penguin would do the trick.

Also, that thing about you being tentaclephobic was not me. Jenn and the word sick at no point, *NO* point, would ever enter the same sentence.

Alex

No, no, no--see, you'd understand if you've seen teh stories Iv'e seen--where it's like--tehre aren't words. I mean, there are words, but they are capitalized and it's *scary*. You do not walk out of that unscarred.

It is at moments like this that I wish I did live journal so I could underscore the point with a cute little picture. Maybe a really sad looking penguin would do the trick.

*grins* You seem fun. Get a livejournal! Very easy, promise. *nodnodnod*

Also, that thing about you being tentaclephobic was not me. Jenn and the word sick at no point, *NO* point, would ever enter the same sentence.

*snickers* I never doubted you.

Get an LJ! It's FUN! PROMISE!

Seconding

lastscorpion here: please post links!

It's been too long since I've read truly good tentacle porn. :-)

Epic no here. You can go-- *points shakily*--and google to your heart's content. I? Am going to continue with the repression thing.

Honey is not good lube, and where the hell did *that* come from? Is there some huge, multifandom challenge of all the things that shouldn't be lube out there and some brave souls are trying to write each one?

I don't know if there is, but some days it certainly feels like it.

It's got to be some kihd of weird secret challenge going on. I mean, there can't be that many really scary people in the world. There just can't be.

Honey is not good lube

omg EW. That's just - EW!

Yes. Pretty much my entire reaction. Dear God, eww.

HONEY? They used honey? Ewwwwwww.

re: frantic energy - toss some my way, please? I'm under deadline and book 2 is just not happening.

Le sigh.

*pets you* You can do it. Be strong. Be inspired. Have cocoa. That always helps me.

tentacles???

*snorts*

unexplained extra body parts...

*backs away slowly*

I'm very open-minded as well, but - I mean - you know - *shudders*
I can see it now,
naked lex, lovely porn and suddenly: the tentacle of doom!!!!

*snorts*

~contemplates*

*stars laughing and falls off chair*

~waves from the ground~

Is there some huge, multifandom challenge of all the things that shouldn't be lube out there

I have mercifully blocked out most of my time in Sentinel fandom but alas, still retain memories of both those little plastic packets of condiments and -- much more horrifically -- the wood glue incident.

Please no- Dear Hyne no..

No one would use condiments,like ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise (eew). This just became so vastly funny.

I mean- honey i could understand, because... i hate that i have reasons why I could understand it. I never expected, wanted to know more about gay sex than I do het.

But woodglue- in like a workshop right? or...no- there are no good reasons. No wait- maybe it was like trying to handcuff the person, except with your anus.

I'm sorry- but you can see how funny it is? I wonder if anyone gets ideas from these things...

*Fandom has warped my mind

there are no good reasons

No reasons, no excuses, no forgiveness! Some people just shouldn't be allowed behind the ~~wheel~~ keyboard.

...much more horrifically -- the wood glue incident.

You are so kidding. Right? Because--that's *glue*. And that--no.

Kidding?

Please?

Oh god I'm dying!!!

I'm fairly certain that such things were the result of an "Inappropriate Lube" challenge.

But considering that it was Sentinel fandom, I could just be candy-coating the dim memories out of a sense of self-preservation.

[giggling]

You know what else does not lubricate? Water. Jeez. Have these people never really experienced the phenomenon of "squeaky clean"?

Oh God, don't remind me. *shudders* Cause wow, that's *water*, and it *dries*, and ouch.

This? Is why I twitch when I see shower porn.

I spotted wonton in a Saiyuki story the other day. I thought, "OMG! Jenn was right!! It's everywhere!"

Not that I ever really doubted you. *g*

SEE? IT IS EVERYWHERE!

I mean, it's a noun. You could jsut as easily say "He rolled in eggplant abandon" as wonton, and it makes just as much sense.

It makes perfect sense, esp. to those of us who love baba ghanoush and wouldn't at all mind Lex or Clark rolling around in some so we could lick it off :)

Wonton??

...I'm missing something here.

*peruses tentatively for wonton stories*

Can you explain?

Heh. The honey thing is a Kama Sutra bit that I remember reading offhand somewhere online recently.

Bad. Idea.

Giant Legos to pack stuff in? Good Idea.

sorry you're lonely, I'll come play with you. :) Yeah, I really don't get why people think honey is a lube either.

Profile

seperis

Page Summary

Quotes

If you don't send me feedback, I will sob uncontrollably for hours on end, until finally, in a fit of depression, I slash my wrists and bleed out on the bathroom floor. My death will be on your heads. Murderers
. -- Unknown, on feedback
BTS List
That's why he goes bad, you know -- all the good people hit him on the head or try to shoot him and constantly mistrust him, while there's this vast cohort of minions saying, We wouldn't hurt you, Lex, and we'll give you power and greatness and oh so much sex...
Wow. That was scary. Lex is like Jesus in the desert.
-- pricklyelf, on why Lex goes bad
LJ
Obi-Wan has a sort of desperate, pathetic patience in this movie. You can just see it in his eyes: "My padawan is a psychopath, and no one will believe me; I'm barely keeping him under control and expect to wake up any night now to find him standing over my bed with a knife!"
-- Teague, reviewing "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones"
LJ
Beth: god, why do i have so many beads?
Jenn: Because you are an addict.
Jenn: There are twelve step programs for this.
Beth: i dunno they'd work, might have to go straight for the electroshock.
Jenn: I'm not sure that helps with bead addiction.
Beth: i was thinking more to demagnitize my credit card.
-- hwmitzy and seperis, on bead addiction
AIM, 12/24/2003
I could rape a goat and it will DIE PRETTIER than they write.
-- anonymous, on terrible writing
AIM, 2/17/2004
In medical billing there is a diagnosis code for someone who commits suicide by sea anenemoe.
-- silverkyst, on wtf
AIM, 3/25/2004
Anonymous: sorry. i just wanted to tell you how much i liked you. i'd like to take this to a higher level if you're willing
Eleveninches: By higher level I hope you mean email.
-- eleveninches and anonymous, on things that are disturbing
LJ, 4/2/2004
silverkyst: I need to not be taking molecular genetics.
silverkyst: though, as a sidenote, I did learn how to eviscerate a fruit fly larvae by pulling it's mouth out by it's mouthparts today.
silverkyst: I'm just nowhere near competent in the subject material to be taking it.
Jenn: I'd like to thank you for that image.
-- silverkyst and seperis, on more wtf
AIM, 1/25/2005
You know, if obi-wan had just disciplined the boy *properly* we wouldn't be having these problems. Can't you just see yoda? "Take him in hand, you must. The true Force, you must show him."
-- Issaro, on spanking Anakin in his formative years
LJ, 3/15/2005
Aside from the fact that one person should never go near another with a penis, a bottle of body wash, and a hopeful expression...
-- Summerfling, on shower sex
LJ, 7/22/2005
It's weird, after you get used to the affection you get from a rabbit, it's like any other BDSM relationship. Only without the sex and hot chicks in leather corsets wielding floggers. You'll grow to like it.
-- revelininsanity, on my relationship with my rabbit
LJ, 2/7/2006
Smudged upon the near horizon, lapine shadows in the mist. Like a doomsday vision from Watership Down, the bunny intervention approaches.
-- cpt_untouchable, on my addition of The Fourth Bunny
LJ, 4/13/2006
Rule 3. Chemistry is kind of like bondage. Some people like it, some people like reading about or watching other people doing it, and a large number of people's reaction to actually doing the serious stuff is to recoil in horror.
-- deadlychameleon, on class
LJ, 9/1/2007
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Fan Fiction is John Cusack standing outside your house with a boombox.
-- JRDSkinner, on fanfiction
Twitter
I will unashamedly and unapologetically celebrate the joy and the warmth and the creativity of a community of people sharing something positive and beautiful and connective and if you don’t like it you are most welcome to very fuck off.
-- Michael Sheen, on Good Omens fanfic
Twitter, 6/19/2019
Adding for Mastodon.
-- Jenn, traceback
Fosstodon, 11/6/2022

Credit

Base style: Open Spaces by seperis
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