normal people would not be this stupid

Dear Horace,

What the everloving fuck? It's ten in the morning. I was working. My doctor will not refill my script for vicodin and now I have to go and get dental work done on Saturday just so I can get that. Granted, I need to see the dentist, but I'd like to do it looking a little less like a junkie needing a fix.

This isn't funny.

Seperis

Note: I get the fact I decided to reschedule my surgery does in fact make this my own fault, yes. Mea fucking culpa. Even so, even now, I'm not sure I'd make a different decision because a.) missing a week at work would have very probably killed me with the backlog and b.) surgery terrifies me so much I stop processing when I imagine having to go through it. Emotion is not logical and I still freeze up even thinking about it. That argues Horace either has to escalate--which hey, second time it's happened in the morning, I think this is the definition of--or possibly an ER visit due to rupturing, which I'm aware is surgery plus danger. I am really hoping with serious intent that at some point my logical brain will kick in and override my instinctive urge to curl into a ball and scream at the thought of anesthesia.

God, I'm tired of being this afraid. It's so goddamn exhausting.

Comments

[beachlass]

Oh dear. Sending a prayer for healing your way.

[nianeyna]

Please don't wait until something dire happens! D:

idk, think how awesome it will be when you don't have to worry about it anymore? :/

(^ big g disapproves of Horace, not you. obvs.)

[litotease]

I am really hoping with serious intent that at some point my logical brain will kick in and override my instinctive urge to curl into a ball and scream at the thought of anesthesia.

I find there is nothing quite so surreal as waking up on some random morning and voluntarily taking myself to a hospital, voluntarily laying down on a gurney, and voluntarily letting strangers put me to sleep and slice up my body. I've had a couple of surgeries, and every time on the day of surgery I watch myself go through the motions and I feel like I'm stuck in a Dali painting. I see myself smiling and nodding and being perfectly polite and reasonable; all the while, in my head, I'm wondering why people aren't having to pry my fingers off of doorjambs to get me into those rooms, why I'm not leaving skidmarks on the floor in resistance, because the only rational way I should be going into that situation is kicking and screaming and being dragged against my will.

Really, the biggest motivator I've got to make myself do it is that my kid would never every forgive me if I died from being chickenshit. My mantra is pretty much "Don't fuck up the kid," and I remind myself that dying (or even getting scary sick) because I was too afraid to get treated would qualify as fucking her up. Hope that helps; it's all I've got to offer. (And, yeah, something could go wrong during surgery and she could still lose me -- but at least then she won't be mad at me for the rest of her days for abandoning her without even trying; she'll aim all that anger at my medical providers, and I'm OK with that.)

God, I'm tired of being this afraid. It's so goddamn exhausting.

Yes and yes and yes and yes. For different reasons, but me, too. ::hugs you::

[dhara]

Oh my goodness. Sending good wishes your way.

[dreamatdrew]

If I had any Vics I'd offer em......

[aivilo_18]

You're not normal, thank god. But you're also not stupid either.

I don't really know what to tell you that everyone isn't already saying. But I do know that being scared of this will never be stupid. So you can just, y'know, stop telling yourself that right now.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

[aethel]

Anesthesia is great! You're lying there, waiting for something to happen, and then suddenly the surgery is over!

It's true I might have panicked when they gave it to me, but it seemed to work just fine even though my heart was pounding in my ears.

[scy]

*hugs you*

[starfish]

Please don't wait for it to escalate. Don't make me tell you the saga of my gallbladder surgery, which wouldn't have been a fucking saga if I'd done something about the attacks in a timely fashion ...

Srsly. Hie thee hence 'n' git 'er done.

[fyrdrakken]

Please remind yourself that you've got shit planned for December/January/whenever, and need time to have healed up before that all happens. Especially if you have to get the full-on surgery and need the extra time to heal.

[tricksterquinn.livejournal.com]

*cuddles you helplessly*

I want to be able to do something, help somehow. Hand-holding? Adoration? Puppy eyes?

[boggit.livejournal.com]

I wish there was some way fannish powers combined could, like, just psychically laser it out of you. And then you could hold Horace aloft and let out a victory cry. It would be awesome.

Do you have a long time to wait for your surgery? And, seriously, what the hell to not having pain medication. Pile on, world, why don't you??

[lanning.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* *sends Horace-shriveling rays* Time to serve Horace with his eviction notice, sweetie. I'm officially worrying about you. Your doctor is a total dick for not renewing your script, wtf? *more hugs and anti-pain vibes*

[jaden-reads.livejournal.com]

Hello! I'm a terrible lurker... but I just wanted to say I know EXACTLY what you're going through. I had gallstones a few years ago, but I didn't have any insurance (yay, America) so I didn't know that's what it was. So I let mine go a really long time, which I don't recommend at all, since I was really super sick there before I had surgery.

The surgery wasn't bad at all, by the way. I had a lot of anxiety about it, since I had never had surgery before, but it was just a few small incisions.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

[archaeologist-d.livejournal.com]

You need to get it over with. If nothing else, just remind yourself that you are choosing to do it, not Horace, and before you know it, Horace will be gone!

Poor thing. I remember my gallbladder well.

[dalaire.livejournal.com]

^ Ditto. But oh, how I know how that dread feels, too.

***so many hugs***

[penrith1.livejournal.com]

I know it must be incredibly hard but honey you have got to go for the surgury sooner rather than later. Just think everything at the moment is about the management of your pain. Just think this could all be over and on the other side is your life pain free and home free.

[2naonh3-cl2.livejournal.com]

I'm at 75% certain that I'm game for next summer. Send me an email with the dates/more info. You know me, I need to plan far in advance.

[naughtyoldlady.livejournal.com]

You need a friend (who is local, in your area) to take charge, make the appointment(s), drive you there, hold your hand, drive you home. Don't laugh, I did this with my beloved sister-in-law, who had dental phobia like you would not believe. If you're that afraid, you need someone to walk you through it.

Find that person and ask them - heck, next time Horace decides to make his presence known, pick up the phone and BEG. You'll be glad you did.

[seadreamer.livejournal.com]

I understand the irrationality of a phobia, and I will also admit that I had a horrendous reaction to anesthesia after gall bladder surgery. (As in lying accross the kitchen counter so I could hurl into the garbage disposal because it hurt too much to stand over the toilet) That horror story shared, I will PROMISE you that the relief I have had since the surgery makes me say I would do it again in a HEARTbeat. My gall bladder issues were a sudden thing, from nearly nothing to a stone completely blocking the duct in the course of about 24 hours. I was having surgery about 72 hours after my fisrst symptom, and I just have to send you completely unsolicited encouragement to just get it over with. I can't imagine what you've had to go through for such an extended period of time, and either way, I hope it works out well for you.

[lovelokest.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Brain chemistry is a bitch. No matter how much you rationally/intellectually know what needs to be done and that it will be better afterwards, getting past the fear and anxiety is hard. Have you thought about going to see someone about it? They might be able to prescribe you something to take as needed or talk you through it. You don't have to do it alone.

I know what it's like, it took me until I was curled up in bed crying with anxiety to finally make an appointment with a shrink. I made the appointment, sobbing and crushing fairestcat's hand. The doctor prescribed me Xanax (after a misfire with another med that instead of helping with my anxiety gave me a panic attack, that was "fun" but darkly humorous at the same time. "For fucks sake," sob, "this is supposed to help me, not make it worse," sob) to take as needed and it has helped me *lots*.

For me, it doesn't make the problem go away, I'm just better able to deal with it.

*hugs tight*

[vala3.livejournal.com]

After administering anesthesia for over 30 years I understand how daunting your first surgery can be. A few tips. Be sure to inform your anesthetist or anesthesiology of you anxiety and after getting an I.V. they can usually administer a benzodiazipine that can help, as long as there is no contraindication in doing so. Be sure to tell them about all your medical conditions, medications, drug reactions, and allergies. As a service provider we always try to tailor the anesthetics to the person. There is always the chance of post op nausea, so be sure to let the anesthetist know and they can usually give a medication to help with that in the post op period. The sooner the surgery is done, of course, the better as the more inflamed the gall bladder becomes or the more stones formed can lead to complications. Hopefully they can remove your gall bladder via a laparotomy which leaves a few small scars and is much less uncomfortable post op. Many times doctors stop giving a narcotic prior to surgery since the meds sometimes cause a spasm in one of the ducts and is quite painful. Just know that it is very natural to be frightened of surgery and almost everyone has some kind of trepidition beforehand. Afterwards though, the relief is well worth it. Hope this helps somewhat, and good luck.

[issaro.livejournal.com]

I have felt your pain. The surgery is not bad. I promise. But the two week hospital stay followed by two months of 'recovery' because it went undiagnosed and I ignored it? A nightmare. So, surgery -- scary -- but not bad as ignoring it. *sends well wishes*

[ysabelle28.livejournal.com]

Yes I'm another lurker who's going to encourage you re w/surgery too - but with the promise of more better drugs!

Maybe you cope with Vicodin better than I do (and I'm curled around a bottle as we speak for another issue) but I get tired of my hearing fading in and out and waiting (and waiting) for it to take effect only to have it hit me almost a day later with the wobbles when I need to be working. (And the gastrointestinal issues are best left unaddressed.)

Frankly I think you need to take your relative up on the offer of oxy in the interim. (Despite how this sounds I am a fully functioning member of society but like you have had some chronic pain issues.)

If you get a nice hospital - where it doesn't look like a flickering horror movie scene - and people who treat you well, it can be almost not scary. Can't predict your experience but mine was announcing to a handful of happy, gossiping nurses - 'So I'm the only one that's terrified?' They took pity on me and went early with the pre op relaxation IV and that was heaven - like having everything I ever worried about swept away. It felt like I believe Adam Lambert smells. After that - other than the occasional brisk nurse and (argh) soreness - it was a sea of painkillers until I felt ok again. (Well I may have extended the painkillers a little past the usual threshold - kind of as a reward.) And I now have a nifty scar to lie about. Again, my experience is that being afraid/sick dread is the worst part. Time to kill Horace - he is no longer a rational actor and must be removed from the equation.