seperis | so this is what my saturdays look like these days

Sherlock the laptop now has an arrival date of 9/15 and let me say thank God. I found my old laptop cooler that is broken and am currently using that since I can't get Adam the laptop below 85C without it and have a running burn on my inner calf at this point. I also ordered a new laptop cooler since the XPS 16 apparently runs hot on its own, which is not a surprise when I look at the specs and then the processor.

This irritates me. I'm not an engineer, I just like to put things together and take them apart, and I cannot imagine how people who can get us to the moon are still not able to work laptop design to be cooler. And it is a design problem, not a hardware problem, and surely after all this time, someone should have worked out a way to marry form and function to not-burning. Which I think is a dual problem in that a.) a laptop despite the name is not supposed to sit on your lap and b.) no matter how many times it's fairly clear that's what people do with it, designers don't seem to want to let go of that. Yes, we have it on our lap. Yes, that does interfere with cooling fans. Hey, idea: find a way to move the fans or how it cools. This is in fact rocket science; that's why you have a fucking doctorate in Useful Engineering Shit. Get on that.

Of course, I'm still boggling that laptop coolers are constantly having powercord breakage. I'm beginning to think that building my own is a viable idea, just so I can design the damn thing for hey, the fact it sits on my lap.

In other news, TMI of the sex toy variety; yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why there's a cut.

At some point, I had thought adulthood would finally slough off my intense urge to giggle insanely while surfing through websites and staring in wonder at all the ways we have found to improve upon our cavewoman ancestors patiently wittling down a branch because the cavemen were too busy measuring their cocks against giant sloths or whatever they did when they hunted or we just didn't find their spear-carrying selves all that hot. That was a very long sentence, but I'm nearly hoarse after reading descriptions of all the egg-like appliances and their various functions.

Or mostly, it's the reviews. This line of thought, by the way, from an email convo with

aivilo_18, who probably now wishes she wasn't my most consistent email correspondent because she keeps me awake at work a lot and is awesome.

The thing is, most reviews aren't very useful because they are intensely subjective. "This was so hot I came three times" doesn't really help me all that much; "OMG MULTIPLE YAY" and a long, dry technical description of events, no. These people need to be thrown at nifty.com, and I can't believe I'm saying this, because purple prose and unfortunate comparisons aside, we need an objective standard to judge just how Item X is going to get us going.

Observe:

When talking about how the seven function vibrator works for them, people will say "Oh, it was so powerful and I came three times omg" which hello, that helps not at all. Instead, an objective comparison chart would help.

Egg of Joy Was:

a.) like driving down a quiet street at night with no traffic in a well-off suburban gated community.
b.) a country road in Kentucky with bad transmission.
c.) the wooden roller coaster at Six Flags Fiesta, San Antonio.
d.) there was pelvic bruising.

Lube of Tingling Was:

a.) less interesting than baking soda toothpaste.
b.) Trident spearmint gum.
c.) there might have been visible sparks.
d.) how do you feel about open flames?

Say what you like about asstr.org, nifty.org, and mcstories.com and inappropriate comparisons, they go for the gold--that trunk-like cock was like taking a tree without the splinters, and that's useful. I mean, terrifying, but if it was a sex toy review, I'd know that Vibrator Like a California Hardwood really did live up to the name. As porn, it makes me want to declare celibacy, however.

Biological sexual response combined with subjective sexual arousal are so subjective it's hard to get it right, but I'd like to introduce a standard someday. Like the MPAA, but the STAA (for Sex Toys) but better, with a rating, a comparison chart, a set of standards, and an objective basis to start with. Bells and whistles and pearl beads and things that hum are all well and good, but what you really want to know is is this going to be more stimulating than a nap.

I'm also somewhat annoyed by how the directions and descriptions sometimes completely mislead one; a friend (who shall be nameless) finally put the Hitachi in terms I could comprehend, because until then, everything I read made it sound a great deal like a.) something that might accidentally rupture something important or b.) electrocute me. I blame everything for all that lost time.

Also, Hitachi will never not be awesome. Just saying.

Hey, because I like keeping a reference list of these things. If you want to recommend, please do. If you have comments on other people's recommendations, do so! Updating as people add suggestions.

Drugstore.com
Recommended by

seperis/

seperis

all your basics at very reasonable prices! And Hitachi and its attachments are there.

Babes in Toyland

Recommended by

lillethedreamer

But www.babeland.com is the best thing ever, especially in terms of description. My personal favorite, when discussing vibration settings, is one customer basing it on a scale of 'mildly ticklish' to 'burn your clit off'.

Best of all? Videos of staff members talking about the various toys. I mean, I still collapse in hysterical laughter but should I need the information literally spelled out for me by a human being, IT'S THERE. IN AGONIZING AND DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE REAL PEOPLE GIVING ADVICE.

Good Vibes

Recommended by

crabbylioness

goodvibes.com used to have scale systems for both power and noise level. I haven't shopped there since they stopped taking checks, so IDK if they still have it.

Blowfish
Recommended by

tygress

I personally use http://www.blowfish.com/ - They have actual reviewers they employ for the site, buying guides, and a good splash of humor to go along with the fact that you are, indeed, shopping for sex toys and that's okay. They also have a very wide selection and really good customer service.

Early to Bed
Recommended by

daydreamer

early to bed is fantastic: tons of info, videos, a blog, discreet packaging, and it's extremely female/queer/n00b-friendly. Their youtube channel is here.

Good For Her
Recommended by

aivilo_18/

aivilo_18

If you haven't tried it, Good for Her is awesome. Along with many other things that are amazing and brilliant, they host the Feminist Porn Awards, which celebrates porn that is made for and by women and focuses on representing female and male sexuality in ways that aren't completely cliched and derogatory towards women and minorities.

A Woman's Touch
Recommended by

belleweather

I may be biased because it was my local store for a long time, and allows you to actually touch the vibes they sell if you're at a brick-and-mortar outlet, which I LOVE and totally revolutionized the way I buy toys. But their online descriptions really rock too, and their lube comparison chart is awesome.

Tantus Inc
Recommended by

strina

Okay, I only found them because someone mentioned they were selling Edward Cullen's penis, but other than that, they're pretty awesome. They're a green manufacturor, give great customer service, and the reviews are more helful than not (except on the aforementiond Vamp).

Eden Fantasies
Recommended by

bikitchi

I'm a huge fan of edenfantasys.com It's got a sleek layout and pretty decent UI design.

Lots of sex toy safety but it's def a mainstream/vanilla site with some decent entry-kink stuff but I base this not on full research but just taking a look at their handcuffs. XD

Come As You Are
Recommended by

waketosleep

As a Canadian who likes Canadian buying options, I've used Come As You Are a couple times (online ordering; they have a storefront in Toronto) and liked them a lot. They appear to sell good quality toys, including some Canadian-manufactured stuff, their shipping is prompt and discreet, and I've caught good sales through them.

*GRINS*

I <3 you.

And yes, those descriptions are HUGELY unhelpful. Mostly I wonder 'did you lose your thesaurus? Was it THAT good?'

YES THIS. Or you know, go crude, but give me something more than AHHH YES GOD PLEASE because hey, not telling me anything.

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