and i had a long, mesmerizing day

You know, I have always supported the growth and development of badfic. I have. I am non-judgemental. But there are a few things I'd like to address. Just to put on the list, because making me twitch is one thing, but making me cry I'm laughing so hard is quite another. Also, hungry. I get hungry, and not in a good way.

1.) When you have spent multiple paragraphs describing Rodney's stomach, and I find myself, from your adjectives, buidling an image of soft white bread dough and wondering idly if John will start *kneading* it--you may want to go back and rethink it, okay? Because nothing throws me out of a sex scene quite like a sudden curiosity of whether or not Rodney is about to be *baked*.

If John actually starts kneading it, if that *happens*, I swear that even good manners will not stop my mockage. Do not go there.

2.) It seems the use of wonton for wanton has not decreased. I've decided tomorrow is Chinese Night.

3.) I want to give you an image. Okay? Here it is. Rodney the sumo-wrestler and John as Frodo the hobbit. Having sex. If that traumatizes you as much as it does me? Then you honest to God have to stop talking about John as delicate or frail around Rodney's bulk. Cause this can only go to places that spaggel has exclusive permission to go.

Yes. I've been reading on Wraithbait. It's just--*waves hands*--hypnotic.

Comments

[nifra-idril.livejournal.com]

I do love you. I do love you so.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

It was a very disturbing space I was in! Like one minute, sex, and the next, I'm thinking, mmmm, bread dough. It was a very bad moment for me.

Plus John's slow, orgasmic death by asphyxiation when Rodney tops. Just--not a place I want to go.

[darkseaglass.livejournal.com]

Oh, god. Hilarious. Thanks for the giggle.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*bows* I am glad my trauma has been of benefit to others.

[lyra-sena.livejournal.com]

*chokes laughing*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*pets you* It just hits sometimes, doesn't it?

[barely-bean.livejournal.com]

Because nothing throws me out of a sex scene quite like a sudden curiosity of whether or not Rodney is about to be *baked*.

And the thing is, in this fandom? It wouldn't be completely unexpected.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

That's the frightening part, really. Because that could happen. And I can't even say that I didn't read on just to see if he would be.

[mz-bstone.livejournal.com]

But Rodney is bulky. Not hulky, just solid and real and dear god, if you bit his ass you could be replete and happy for days and ...

um.

I hrm.

I think I just distracted myself.

B

[seperis.livejournal.com]

He's like the freaking Pillbury Doughboy of SGA. I would not be surprised to see this happen. That's the worst part. At any given moment, it could happen.

*sighs* Somoeoen out there is writing cannibal fic as we speak. Roasted Rodney a la Orange, to add insult to injury.

[throughadoor.livejournal.com]

recently i read a story on wraithbait where rodney smelled like cheese.

that is all.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*adds to list and rolls off of bed laughing*

Yes. That is the sexy. I wish I'd thought of it.

[emyrys.livejournal.com]

2.) It seems the use of wonton for wanton has not decreased. I've decided tomorrow is Chinese Night.

I forget now how it started, but my best friend & I (in high school) used to always refer to especially wild (or demented) sex as "wonton sex". So whenever I come across it in a fic, I have to stop til I can catch my breath from the laughter.

Ya know, I carried on with it through college, infecting my circle of friends with the phrase, but I doubt seriously if any of my old friends are writing the fic that you're reading and so I refuse to take the credit blame for the overabundance of this mistake. :-)

("loose" instead of "lose" has been driving me nuts today).


PS. You're number 1. and 3. above made me laugh & laugh & laugh. (#2 just made me really miss my best friend. sigh).

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Awww. *pets you* Badfic can destroy lives in so many ways. Look at the grief it has brought you!

*offers soup*

[joannindiw.livejournal.com]

*snickers helplessly*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*whistles innocently*

[ubixtiz.livejournal.com]

Because nothing throws me out of a sex scene quite like a sudden curiosity of whether or not Rodney is about to be *baked*.

There will someday be a story (or, help us, an episode) where they run into a witch in a gingerbread house and this will happen. You realize that, right? Rodney will at the very least be in imminent danger of being *baked*. Like a sweetbread.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*thoughtful*

permetaform had the gingerbread Rodney already. So I can't even protest and say it is unlikely. Cause it totally is not.

[eliade.livejournal.com]

Cause this can only go to places that [info]spaggel has exclusive permission to go.

Heh. I know that picture. And am disturbingly fond of it. Or fondly disturbed.

I've had a mild ranty post going through my head for a few months now, full of cranky fannish chestnuts like "lie" versus "lay" and "phased" versus "fazed." But I've been so moody that I feared I'd get sidetracked, descending to the point where I berated innocent waifs for their goodnatured "LOLs".

I fear my fist of power evil hand streak of snark.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Embrace it. I am rediscovering my fannish sense of humor.

(though guilty of the lie/lay/laid)

I love that pic too. And it's just the image I got last night, and John's funeral, closed casket, as his tiny, mushed body is lowered into the water of Atlantis.

c and d please!

[wifeofpinko.livejournal.com]

So true. Sometimes the descriptions make me think Pillsbury must be stamped on Rodney's ass somewhere. I swear I've seen kneading used somewhere too although maybe not with that exact word.

At least I haven't run across any fic involving punching down, covering with a towel and setting aside in a warm place to rise again. : ) Maybe on ff.net?

Re: c and d please!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Oh my God yes, what is with that? Have they *seen Rodney*? He's built square and solid, but he is NOT A ROLL AND BAKE BISCUIT!

..,if you see that? You owe the world the right to see it for themselves. Cause...wow

[copracat]

If John actually starts kneading it, if that *happens*, I swear that even good manners will not stop my mockage. Do not go there.

Unless the story is about John turned in to a kitty. Kitty John would knead Rodney tummy.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Official Exception: Should John at any time turn into a cat. Okay. I can go there. Afraid, but I can go there.

[not-sally.livejournal.com]

I love you, but your brain scares me like WHOA!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

It is not my brain. It is all the things *fed into it*.

*nods firmly*

[monkeypumpkin.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I really don't get the obsession with enormous fat Rodney. Have they never seen a photograph of David Hewlett?

I read one fic that had Rodney eating 3 MREs at every meal. Considering that an MRE has 1500 calories - well, your sumo wrestler image would be pretty accurate.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*twitches*

I--read that one, I think. Unless there's more than one of those out there.

[othercat.livejournal.com]

...

These examples of bad descriptions bring back sooo many memories of other bad descriptions/fanon in other fandoms. It seems that the whole "If one character is bulky and a little soft, he's hugely massive, and if he's sharp featured and lean he's frail and delicate," is universal across fandoms. John's lucky he's not also *short* otherwise he'd be described as "child like."

[mcalex22.livejournal.com]

Hehe, wraithbait has both good and badfic. I can think of one particular person whose fic I can't read and when someone actually suggested to her that she changed betas and pointed out the numerous errors in her story, she ignored her.

My pet peeve (which may be a bit too anal) is that sometimes, when I read Radek's dialogue, they leave out his prepositions or words... I probably am wrong and deaf, but I was under the impression that even though he does speak with an accent, his English is quite good.

[godofwine.livejournal.com]

Someone once asked me to write a fic with her in which her body was meat, and I wanted to eat her. (But otherwise, she seemed perfectly sane.)

So you never know where fandom will go.

Baked Rodney ficlet

[jade-dragoness.livejournal.com]

*head planted firmly in palms* This is so not my fault, ok?

------------

It wasn't like he was expecting this to happen one day.

And it said bad, bad things about his life that he wasn't even surprised that it was.

But being covered with wet dough, so he can be shoved in the BIGGEST OVEN in the GALAXY, wasn't actually on the agenda for today.

It wasn't even suppose to happen!

And he blamed Sheppard for it.

And as soon as the man rescued him, and ungagged him he would not even hesitate to let him know.

Sheppard just HAD to make a comment about his stomach.

Calling it soft, white and tasty looking!

Tasty! Looking!

In front of an entire village who'd already had them removed their shirts to check for weapons. And the primitive idiotic Neanderthals agreed!

They hadn’t even listened to Sheppard when the man tried to explain he was just kidding.

So, here he was, tied up, in the middle of a giant pie pan about to be the filling of the galaxy’s smartest meat pie.

He's going to kill Sheppard!

He was too smart to be baked!

-----------

Re: Baked Rodney ficlet

[seperis.livejournal.com]

**cries laughing*

Sorry about the lateness of replying. Oh my *God*. I--okay, no words, but *man*.

*still giggling*

[claire.livejournal.com]

Hee! I had a dream last night that Atlantis was invaded by a nanovirus that caused them to act like they were all in a bad fic. I probably should write that.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*giggles* That would be *so cool*. Or a soap opera. Man....

[eretria.livejournal.com]

I've been reading on Wraithbait.

This is so sad, because Wraithbait used to have the good instead of the bad. (Which has little to do with the archivists and more with the increase in fiction overall).
But lately I already find myself cringing at the summaries. I find it all kinds of brave of you to actually have read some of the stories.
To add to your list of things to mock: Rodney trying to commit suicide after John doesn't pay attention to him anymore and Rodney spontaneously breaking down crying because of John (or the other way around) in front of a) Carson, b) Heightmeyer, c) Weir.
Just ... why? Why?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Cutting!Rodney. Still an all-time favorite.

*eyes mist in memory*

[adannu.livejournal.com]

Uh and? I actually did not read as far as #2 on your list before posting that comment about pork buns. Given that, I can only blame the Hive Mind. O_o

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*snickers*

[eretria.livejournal.com]

You know, the really scary part about your rant? I have actually read a fic a while back (must be a year back, and the trauma is still there) in which Rodney and John were put in a stew-pot.
They're out there, Scully!

[emmuzka.livejournal.com]

I'm still waiting that non-con-with-a-wraith-badfic.

If a wraith has a sexual relationship with a human, does it count as a food kink or beastiality, hm?

[jade-dragoness.livejournal.com]

*eyes you* I stumbled across a Wraith!Steve/John fic. Lovely dovey fic too.

*sobs* I nearly died from the bloodloss from my eyes exploding.

[deadlychameleon.livejournal.com]

Aiiiii. Now I'm waiting to see some fic where the author gets tired of pronouns and says "The older yet childlike man spread himself out over the slightly rotund scientist's girth, which was surprisingly soft and comfortable and rippled as he settled on it."

yeah. seasickness in sex scenes? bad.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

....I need to lie down now.

[wonderlandkat.livejournal.com]

I find that particularly interesting since, in all likelyhood, Rodney is the more breakable of the two. Yeah, he *might* have a few pounds on John, but he's a fairly lazy scientist and John's a super active crazy military guy.


Also added to the "who thought that was sexy cat": John thinking of Rodney as being pasty or fish belly white while wanting to rip Rodney's clothes off.