cue unabashed whining

So I'm supposed to go on vacation (and VVC) starting Thursday. When I applied for leave, it was conditional on finishing my assignments. So of course, that's never been a problem.

Cue today; I got a new assignment. Scripting a minimum of fifty tests before I leave on Wednesday that have already been planned out, then at least twenty to forty more I make up myself.



Okay, to give some perspective on this; I like scripting tests. It's not hard. I just write in the steps to create a case and test a function of the program. I started at 1:30, and by 4:30 I had the first ten done.

Survey says; there is no fucking way I can get even half of these done before I leave on Wednesday, or even if I come in Thursday morning, because even if I finish the planned ones, I have to plan at least twenty more on top of that and then script those, and half of them are in a subject I do not know how to do. I need at least an hour to read the policy and learn it before I can write it. So there's a fair to good chance my leave will be pulled.

I do get this is about the leave I've been taking, and sure, they can't technically get me on actual gall bladder pain, they will get me for going to Adam's concert in Seattle last week. That does piss me off; no one has had to do my work for me, because I get it done before I do anything, so wtf? It's not like I didn't earn those hours; surgery alone is going to burn out my sick leave completely. And that concert was the first time since November when I went to see Madelyn that I took leave just for something fun for me, because seriously, if they think my idea of a good time is gall bladder pain, please to be fucking themselves.

I mean, obviously I am going to get this done, even if right now I don't know how I'm going to manage that, because ten tests in three hours projects a really impossible number of hours of work and I'm not sure they will let me just come in tomorrow and not leave until Thursday noon, and that doesn't include the assignments I had before this that were easily going to be done.

This isn't optimism speaking; I just get off on being better than other people sometimes, and it's not exactly a part of my personality I'm like, wanting to encourage but I'm not seeing a choice. This is one of those times. I can't figure out how I will finish these in time--I have to learn the policy for half of them before I can even start--but at this point, I kind of have to win. It's not even about my vacation leave.

I'm cut off from half the food I can usually eat and losing more every week, I'm dropping weight because I'm scared of food, I have to have surgery and that terrifies me so much that I almost think it'd be worth food aversion to keep from having to go through that, I'm exhausted and my insomnia is getting worse, and I can't even mock myself out of being this goddamn dramatic, and I'll tell you right now when I can't even mock myself something is wrong. I'm in the fourth month of a depressive cycle and I know at the sixth month I have to start medicating because of the danger of escalation is too great and I hate, I hate that and that doesn't scare me as badly as surgery but it's a very close second and my dad isn't getting better. I get a lot of people have it so much worse, but trust me when I say, that is not something that makes me feel better.

On the upside, my doctor prescribed me more vicodin. Believe it or not, that actually made this entire day worth it.

And done with that. I have porn to write.

Comments

[the-moonmoth.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm kind of seeing you right now as the hero working against the clock in some action show like 24. At the end you will diffuse the bomb and march the bastards off to rightful imprisonment. Metaphorically. Probably.