update on the homefront

You know you are tired when you are having long, drawn-out fantasies about your bed. During the second to last insomnia attack, I was utterly obsessed with bedclothes--sheets, pillows, throw pillows, comforters, finding the perfect sleep position, *more pillows*. It was disturbing.

Recently, a few weeks before this episode, I started getting interested in curtains for my bed and giving long looks at Linens and Things that felt a little--well. I just don't think it's healthy to be trying to stroke high thread count sheets and staring at silk blends I cannot afford without a mortgage on my liver. And growl when people come too close.

Yeah. My most recent excursion had me forcibly removing myself from applying for a Linens and Things credit card. Not healthy.

Lizard Report

The Bearded Dragon AKA Junior, the reason that I'll need blood pressure medication before my fortieth birthday, has grown to an astonishing and frankly creepy size. Child drags him out and carries him about the house and general area while he watches with tiny bead-black eyes and plots our demise.

I know, I *know* that it would be fairly hard for him to kill me. I'd basically have to lie down still for a few days and let him gum my throat to pieces. However, this does not stop my instinctive flinch every time he looks up. Plus, he's showing signs of depression, which argues homicide could be in the future. He lays around under his heat lamp and on top of his heating pad on his astroturf floor--and I will never recover from the knowledge a desert animal cannot have sand in his terrarium--and looks really flaccid. I've been told this is normal happy reptile behavior, but I see signs of psychosis in the way he twitches his tail when I have to walk by his territory.

My son is looking at the Unix lizard. Hmm.

Okay, it's not called a unix. It has a hideously complex double Latin name with a set of consonants that do not go together, but I call him Unix. They're pretty cool, as far as hideous reptiles go, with a terraced tail and a terrifying grimace that apparently hides a heart of pure gold. I'm really not falling for that.

Problem is, Child really wants him. And it is cheaper to buy crickets by the thousand and have them shipped. I wish I could say I was kidding, but I'm not.

Herpeteon

Yes, I went back. Scene of my downfall, where I bought three rabbits and never looked back. Of course, it was breeding python day or something, so a massive terrarium set up front was chock full of four massive pythons. You could buy the entire set--why do you need three to breed?--along with cage--I'm assumign so you dont have to take them out and let them kill you. The biggest, the fourth, was sold separately and scared me silly. Later, I stared blankly at the soothing toads and cheerful turtles, after a gauntlet run of small yellow snakes, big green snakes, and Unnamed Things that frankly, I could live the rest of my life without having flashbacks of in my nightmares. However, they also had the *tiniest* little baby bearded dragons, and God, that's so deceptive. The tiny ones are like, less than the length of my finger and--as far as evil reptiles go--*adorable*.

They also had a miniature potbelly pig. No, I did not want him. But he and the hairless rats and the few bunnies there were basically my line to sanity while I picked out a new bowl for Junior and some jungle vine to put in his cage.

Rabbits

Mr. Waffles likes me and lets me hold him briefly if I keep up a pretty constant stream of petting. Really, do we need to know anything more?

Other

I need to write something. Just--something. A focus point of relaxation from reptile and lapine evils.

Comments

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

You could have Sheppard overreact to some off-world fauna to express your reptile-related twitchiness? Firing a P90 at some giant snake or something?

High thread count sheets are heavenly.

[xoverau.livejournal.com]

I have a potential roommate on the string, and I've been trying for days to come up with a neutral way to say, "Would you mind if at some point I bought a big snake?"

[akacat]

I'd basically have to lie down still for a few days and let him gum my throat to pieces.

Try to make a point of not lying still on the floor for more than several hours at a time, m'kay?

Or if you absolutely can't resist the urge, at least wear a turtleneck sweater to give yourself some margin for error.

[joesther.livejournal.com]

I have a true understanding for your love of good bedsheets/linens. I helped my sister put up some curtains in her apartment earlier this month and when I got home, I asked myself why I didn't have curtains. So now I do. And beautiful sheets that match. And they're so soft. Of course, this means my budget for the month is seriously screwed, but my bedroom is beautiful. And comfy. But I can't allow myself to enter Bed, Bath and Beyond or Linens'n'Things again anytime soon: I swear - items just leap off the shelves and into my cart when I do.

[piplover.livejournal.com]

Who told you bearded dragons can't have sand? We have one, and my brother's girlfriend, who is a vet tech, told us which brand of sand to get him. He's very happy and huge, lol!
Also? I think you should write something with Rodney and lizards and a bit of squealing. Just for fun.

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

I am voting for a crossover between the fandom of your choice, and either BOA VS. PYTHON or RAPTOR.

*helps!*

[fyrdrakken]

I've found the trick to holding the Mookie bunny for as long as I care to cuddle her: standing up. On a previous occasion she managed to struggle from my grasp and dive for freedom, at which point we both discovered that Rabbits Do Not Land on Their Feet, so now when I hold her and I'm not sitting down, she just sort of endures and clings with her claws. If I sit down, of course, I get a minute or so before she hops away, though if I stay in place for long enough and she's not in a mood to go hide under the desk in the computer room chewing things, she'll swing by occasionally and hop back up onto the love seat to sniff at me briefly.

[springwoof.livejournal.com]

God, you really, really love your kid, don't you? You went back into the ReptileMart for him......did you ever think your insomnia might be linked to the anxiety of contemplating getting another reptile in the house? Surely that's keeping you up...

[justelizabeth.livejournal.com]

You know you are tired when you are having long, drawn-out fantasies about your bed.

I know exactly what you mean. Also, how is it that you can lie awake in the most uncomfortable bed in the entire world for hours, but when the alarm goes off a few hours later it's the most comfortable place ever?

I admire your bravery in re-entering the evil pet shop, and congratulations for surviving it without buying another rabbit! :o)

[cjandre.livejournal.com]

I am still snickering over the image of you lying on the floor letting the lizard gum you to death.

:-D

You're just so kinky!

hee!

and you know, a pot bellied pig should not be anyone's life line to sanity - it is just wrong.

;-)

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

I need to write something. Just--something. A focus point of relaxation from reptile and lapine evils.

I don't write a lot of fanfiction, so should probably hush up.

BUT. (there's always one of those, isn't there?)

Almost everything I've ever written started out as an exercise in seeing how a character would (fill in the blank.) The first was The Sentinel's Blair Sandburg doing his annual benefits selection online.* The next was how Jim Ellison and Blair Sandburg handled a flat tire with a broken tire iron.** Another was how a low-end vampire in some other fandom handled opening his own bistro.***

How would your three favorite fanfiction character approach balancing their checkbooks? Or get dinner on the table if there were no mess hall? How would your least favorite character cope with a flat?

Or, the Crimes Against Humanity guys could just have an orgy. I'm good with that.

*There was a home invasion, balcony leaping...and then Jim and Blair had sex. Not on the kitchen table, either.

** There was a picnic, frisbee throwing, tree-climbing...and then they had sex.

*** Someone burned it down and, as I do not write slash in that fandom, he isn't getting any sex.