mammalian panic

Are we allowed to have a day where we can do nothing but lay in bed and sulk with our mock-mocha and houseshoes? Cause I am totally in that place. I have these sixteen year old girl not invited to the party feelings, I feel neglected and tragic and unwanted, and I keep catching myself writing in rhyme about my transcendental pain. This can only end in too much eyeliner and a dip into blank verse, and no one wants that.

Houseshoes. God, I have fallen. They are pink.

My weekend trauma seemed destined not to occur until I was dragged to the Herpeteon of Maximum Stress to get--surprise!--more crickets to pour down the gullet of the Freaking Bearded Lizard, who is showing signs of really, really liking me way too much. And yes, the entire desensitization thing is working in a big way, as now I no longer have a blood pressure spike walking in, but save it until I see the giant ball pythons, the strange yellowish thing wrapped around a branch, the three (three! THREE!) cornsnakes, the yellow rat snake, the Christ I am going to pass out baby boa constrictor and oh my God in heaven is this happening to me the fucking Anaconda.

Anaconda.

Overheard was a nice couple talking to one of the people working there about their problems feedign their snake. In which a large guinea pig every twenty days wasnt' enough adn they might have to upgrade to rabbits, and oh, hi, this is me, *twitching* six feet away.

Seriously. Twitching.

Oh my God there was an Anaconda in that store. In a little snake tub! AN ANACONDA THAT I SAW ON TV KILLS YOU SO VERY FAST IS SITTING RIGHT THERE LIKE A NORMAL ANIMAL! Also, tiny turtles that you cna't buy unless it's for educational or government study and what is up with that?

OH MY GOD A BOA CONSTRICTOR AND AN ANACONDA.

Due to failing blood pressure (and a very real possibility of me just breaking down right there and crying hysterically for my mommy to come and get me), I began to walk over to look at the rats--apparently the things that one feeds (oh my God a *guinea pig a month*?) snakes and soothe myself in mammalian happiness, when half-way across, my mother glued herself to my side, grabbed my elbow, jerked my head around and made me stare very very hard at all the pretty furry mammals.

Me: ...Mom?
Mom: Just--look! Rats!

(Mom? Hates rats. A lot.)

Me: Uhh--
Mom: Hamsters! *manhandles me toward the cages* Aren't they nice? Look! A hedgehog! I like hedgehogs!

(Mom does not like hedgehogs. I doubt before this second, she knew they existed.)

Me: .....

So I was suspicious.

When we were halfway to the Ferrets of Maxium Mammalian Zen and the Guinea Pigs of Inner Tranquility, and I looked back, the aisle I had been standing inches from was filled with people, and as I was collecting my two dollars of medium size crickets and watching in mute horror as a large ball python uncoiled itself to try and climb out to kill me (so not kidding), Mom explained that a few inches from my elbow, the little group in the aisle had had an actual snake out and were passing it around and she thought it would probably look bad if I screamed and died right there on the spot. It would please Reggie the Homicidal Rabbit too much. Also, my life insurance just isn't all that great.

...so now I own two zebra finches.

Well, Mom does. I kind of--*waves hand*--forced her to pick two, got their supplies, said, hey, present for you! And left filled with bird zen.

...okay, the pattern here seems to be, I will buy warm blooded animals when reptiles scare me. Herpeteon has a Flemish Giant, a rabbit that looks like a tragic love affair between a hyena and a slowly dying, radiation mutated koala bear (seriously here, this is the ugliest furry animal I have ever seen) and I have a horrible, horrible feeling that when they add another ball python or something I'm going to walk out clutching it and promising it love and let it, too, eat my hair and fake love for yogurt covered tropical fruit snacks.

This, my friends, is a clear case of mammalian panic. Kind of like heterosexual panic, except it's sadder and involves credit card maxing.

I am going to go steal my sister's forgotten box of Valentine chocolate and wallow. If you want me, I will be over there, listening to Alanis Morissette.

So--is fandom still adverse to songfic? I could totally write John to this.

...you are all right now emailing anyone you think has my phone number to call and stage an intervention, aren't you?

Comments

[mz-bstone.livejournal.com]

I don't mind songfic so long as the song inspires, but does not become dialogue, serenade or otherwise worked in most improbably.

And while I quite like snakes, I have similar feelings about arachnids, and I will curl up with you with my mint hot chocolate and keep you safe from snakes, if your promise to whack the 8-legged buggers.

B

[that_mireille]

I don't mind songfic so long as the song inspires, but does not become dialogue, serenade or otherwise worked in most improbably.

What brighidestone says. I mean, if we're forbidding songs as inspiration, let me delete my webpage now.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Can do. *picks up flyswatter adn small bat for the oh dear god *tarantulas**

I'm just in that place where I want to sing You Outta Know and it's been a decade since I was young enough to get away with that. Perhaps John could karaoke it after Rodney has a depressing affair with a biologist. Over the PA system. Atlantis would let him, too.

Wow. I am *in the zone* of crazy. *marveling*

*swats at approaching spider*

[that_mireille]

How often does Junior need new crickets? I'm just wondering how long it will take before your house is entirely filled with the results of mammalian panic.

*hugs* I don't have an extreme fear of reptiles, and I still don't think I'd want to set foot into that store... *shudders sympathetically*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*glum* Every two days. Usually, we can get in and out fairy fast, but the guy was busy with the couple with the guinea-pig-eating snake. Guinea. Pig. Eating. Snake. So...yeah.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to owna ferret, a sugar glider, and a cat in a month at this rate. This cannot be good.

[forestgreen.livejournal.com]

Can't you send your mom or a neighbour or anyone, really, to buy the crickets for you? At this rate it'll be cheaper if you pay some bugger, who is not afraid of reptiles, to go get them. *hugs*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I can sometimes, but basically, we can't seem to keep mroe than two days worth alive at a time, so every two or three days, I have to go back and unfortunately, it's not that far off my way to work. Usually, there's someoen at the register who can handle it quickly. Just today--it was a while. And--I mean I totally didnt' see the anaconda or boa constictor thing coming. That was so--something.

Seriously something.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

You know, I am enjoying this whole ongoing saga way, way, way too much. (Enjoying it sympathetically! I hasten to add! With much sympathy, and compassion and stuff!) (Heeeee.)

I was one of those kids who always wanted a pet boa constrictor, and my mother was all "Over my DEAD BODY" and so I never had one. But I understand the flesh-crawling feelings (like Brighid, I get that about arachnids).

Please keep us posted on the continuing mammalian panic (though I would advise you to NOT get the Flemish Giant, nor the ferrets. Maybe a nice guinea pig. They are very placid and soothing.)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Yeah, I'm--controlling mysefl. With my fingernails. By my fingernails.

I like placid!

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

Sugar gliders are very, very cute.

:)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*pets them* They really are.

[aftertherain.livejournal.com]

OH god. It's amazing that you didn't just pass out in the store.
*clings desperately to warm-blooded animals*

Only one box of chocolates?
Seriously, you deserve a whole freaking crate of them!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

God, yes.

*eats more chocolate* she left the good stuff. She isn't ever getting this box back.

[out-there.livejournal.com]

This, my friends, is a clear case of mammalian panic. Kind of like heterosexual panic, except it's sadder and involves credit card maxing.

*giggles* oh, you poor girl. But someday, someday, Child will look back and remember you as the coolest mother ever. And when he hits the teenage rebellion part, you can point out, "Hey, I bought a snake for you! I put up with a snake in my house and bought live things to feed it and do you have any idea how close I came to an early death because of that thing?"

If you want me, I will be over there, listening to Alanis Morissette.

So--is fandom still adverse to songfic? I could totally write John to this.

Which song? Because I'm trying to think of John-song, and all I'm coming up with "Not the Doctor" which, huh, could work but probably not.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*grins* I am a sixteen year old stereotypical teenage girl today. I am writing him to You Outta Know. Wearing eyeliner. Yes. I am in *that place*.

*smug*

And yes, Child will totally have this thrown in his face.

[researchgrrrl.livejournal.com]

Snakes? Survivable. Spiders? Tolerable. Flying things that zoom with intent toward my head? Swattable.

Frogs and toads? Hnn-hhngg-hnghhnh. My fingers instinctively ball into fists just trying to type the words and I hunch over braced to scream even picturing those THINGS.

I've been known, in all honesty, to spontaneously burst into tears if I see one of those THINGS unexpectedly. Life in Florida has been a particular hell in the summer months, when those THINGS cover my back porch during the daily rainstorm. In fact, at one point, my barbeque pit was taken hostage when a THING got into the storage closet and *shudder* *fuckingkillme* it begantoscrabbble. God. I screamed so loudly when I saw the THING, that I sent the neighbor's hysterical little dog into a 45-minute long barking frenzy.

That was the only evening of my life where I've washed down a Vicodin with vodka and went to bed while the sun was still up.

I did persuade the owners of the apartment complex to put weather-stripping on the bottom of that closet to THING-proof it, btw. I have neither shame nor pride when it comes to protecting my sanity, so, yes, I feel your mammalian panic. And if you do wind up with a ferret of maximum mammalian zen, Mason and I have totally got your back.

[(Anonymous)]

Then, for the love of god(tm), avoid watching Magnolia at all costs. : )

Bees, spiders, snakes, rats I can survive. Ants and other swarming things make my skin crawl. But I will run anyone down to get away from the totally horrific, though harmless, flying Palmetto bugs. GAH! You're from Florida so you know of what I speak.

[cleverpoison.livejournal.com]

You know....I don't know if there's a PetsMart by you, but that might help. In every one I've ever been in, the crickets are kept by the fish. Also, they don't sell reptiles that eat mice, rats, etc. On the other hand, last time I was at my PetsMart they had chinchillas. So maybe not. =P

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I did not know that. There's a PetCo, but sadly, no crickets.

I will check this out.

[sylvertongue.livejournal.com]

I think snakes are about seventeen different kinds of awesome, and the highlight of my miserable New Year this year was getting to hold a python.

But. I am absolutely phobic about monkeys. Oh my God, you have no idea. And at least most of the world understands you being afraid of a snake, but a monkey just gets you all kinds of weird looks.

It's just... they look at you. They're goddamn well plotting things. And the smaller they are, the scarier. I quite like gorillas, but those teeny tiny freaks? Oh my God, I don't even want to look at them. *shudder*

Uh. So. Yeah. Also, apparently the Hive Mind is at work again, because I dragged my Alanis out of the dust this weekend and played You Outta Know at ear-shatter volume in my car. And, um, I may have thought of John at the time.

My shame, it knows no bounds.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Monkeys? Really?

AND DAMMIT I cannot find that songn on my computer, and I needed it. Singing it a capella does not have the necessary level of bitter bloodlust. *sighs*

[amberlc.livejournal.com]

Which is the lesser of two evils? (http://www.uky.edu/Ag/Entomology/entfacts/misc/ef007.htm) Keeping your own cricket herd or going to the pet store every few days?

BTW, what are you feeding your crickets? I think we used to give the ones we had for my brother's lizard plain cheerios and that seemed to keep them alive as far as I can rememeber. Of course, they must have had some kind of water source. Can't really remember as I was fairly young, but this site seems to agree. (http://www.ozarkcrickets.com/aboutus.html)

P.S. I'll read your Alanis Morissette song-fic about John. I don't say that for very many people, so feel proud. But I can't promise there won't be an intervention afterwards.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

You know, we have been vaguely thinking of raising our own. We have a ltitle cricket terrarium feed adn water them, but the first groups still died before they could be eaten--oh the irony.

If I can find the damn song? John is having a teenage girl epiphany.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

You know the whole thing about how birds evolved from dinosaurs on a separate evolutionary tree from reptiles, right? So birds are like ... distant reptile cousins, with feathers. And warm blood. But much more attractive with the feathers and the little cheepy sounds. So in a sense you are supporting alternative evolution by enabling the lives of birds.

Although they both lay eggs.

(Is this helping? I'm possibly not being helpful.)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

It helps. *thought* So I could be supporting an eventual evolution of *no* snakes. Just long, thin, slithering birds....

This could work.

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

Obviously, you need to watch Boa vs. Python soonest. Then you'll either be catatonic from the snakes (possible), so filled with lust for the Hewlett that you don't care anymore (probable), or dead from the sheer ludicrousness of it all!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Oh God I saw that. Child loves sci-fi channel like other kids love Cartoon Network and i've seen every. Lowbudget. Snake. Movie. Ever.

Talk about sudden, extreme cognitive dissonance when Rodney showed up on one of them....

[stillane.livejournal.com]

The universe has a twisted sense of humor when the only reptile that makes me want to cuddle it is the only one not for sale. It may be a result of early imprinting via cartoon, but turtles make me happy.

OMGWTFAnaconda? I'll be over in the corner whimpering occasionally and shaking often. Just the description of this scene makes me all shivery, and not the least bit in the good way. (And the fact that I just spent a solid five minutes attemting to phonetically interpret the sound effect that it induced in me is beyond sad.)

The Flemish bunnies always send me off on thoughts of Sylvester encountering that kangaroo and assuming it's the biggest damn mouse ever. They're that kind of rabbit.

Your next acquisition should be the hedgehog. They're adorable, and very sweet. Ours liked to snuffle his way through your hair, without the eating. He also had a fondness for spagetti, and would slurp it in long strands. Not that I'm encouraging further panic-induced consumerism, you understand.

Songfic? I have faith.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I KNOW! ANACONDA! WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH THAT?

I will admit, the hedgehogs were adorable. Very much so.

[queenydiva.livejournal.com]

ROFLMAO! Oh, Jenn, this was the best thing ever! I really needed that laugh. Thanks, lol.

Um...sorry about your reptilian-induced trauma. Now I'm gonna go stroke the iguana in the other room and let him know that someone loves him. *SNERK* Just kidding. No, really. I don't have an iguana. *giggle* *runs away*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*eyes narrow* Oh you mock my pain.

[flyingtapes.livejournal.com]

I have these sixteen year old girl not invited to the party feelings, I feel neglected and tragic and unwanted,

omg me too. It is a disease.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

We should have a club.

[ubixtiz.livejournal.com]

1. In the discussion of your potential songfic I keep misreading "Alanis" as "Atlantis" and vice versa. This, in combination with Alanis' role in Dogma and discussions of Atlantis as a sentient force, makes my brain picture Alanis playing Atlantis.

2. This, my friends, is a clear case of mammalian panic. Kind of like heterosexual panic, except it's sadder and involves credit card maxing.
So...freaking out over reptiles and buying birds = freaking out over same-sex attraction/implications and...buying a tranny hooker?

1 + 2 = My brain hurts.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

You know, when you put it that way, it sounds even weirder. *ponders the math*

[floridapeaches.livejournal.com]

Have you considered trying to find a bait shop to get the crickets? I actually love reptiles, but I still don't really care for pet shops, so I always just went to the bait shop. Also? Way, way cheaper, at least usually.

Also, crickets survive fairly well on potato slices, which give them water and protein. I can get mine to last up to a week that way. Just a suggestion.

But it might be nice to have a cat, right?

[adannu.livejournal.com]

I think reptiles are cool. But crickets and I don't get along. *shudder* Childhood post traumatic stress from that one incident, man.

[everagaby.livejournal.com]

I suggest you just pay someone to go into the STORE OF DOOM and buy the damn crickets for you. It'll definitely be cheaper for you in the long run. Cheaper like whoa. Or I could just send you pictures of my fuzzy adorable fluff ball guinea pigs of pure cuteness. Pure. Cuteness.
As for the turtle thing, it's illegal to sell turtles in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania (and I think the entire US) if they're smaller then four inches in length. Too young, or something. This is why I currenly own a turtle who is slowly and steadily approaching six inches in length. A turtle who, at the moment, is stuck in the corner of his tank. Stuck. As in, can't move, because the filter he tucked himself in next to won't move and apparently the plastic plants are giving him grief.
In conclusion: Pets are weird.
Reggie is still evil.
Hire someone to be your personal cricket shopper. It's for you own sanity.