seperis | i am not in the zen place

Well, today I spent pretty much all of my disposable income getting Child a pet that is the equivalent of my worst nightmares.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen--do I have gentlemen here? I got the kid a reptile.

I also entered a reptile pet store of my own free will and didn't pass out. And it was a very close thing. For those who have serious tenure on my lj, you might remember Jenn on a Table After Almost Stepping on a Snake (yet never seeing the snake), Jenn On Her Office Desk Due to Alien Lifeform (aka lizard), and Jenn's almighty terror of anything not in the furred family. Yeah. Well.

There were snakes.

Okay, I'm weak, I get that. I am weak. I am a mother who says, sure, Child, you can certainly get a pet that will cause my blood pressure to be raised twenty points just knowing it's in the house. Sure, I will go voluntarily into two stores, one of which specialized in exotic pets, to actually stand before a large glass case while a terrarium of multiple snakes writhe together and stand on their hind tails reaching for the top with their dark, beady eyes fixed on me, saying jenn, jenn, we are coming for you.

(Oh, but they had a two toed sloth and a mircat (sp?) and okay, that was cool, except--I mean, is there a real market out there for a pet sloth? Seriously? I'm just--it's cute? In a very tree sloth with long claws way? But I don't see me taking that home and cuddling it in my lap? And the mircat thing was adorable, and looked pretty homicidal. Like, oh, look, two legged walking steak. Hmm.)

I just--there was this box of bunnies past the first round of oh dear God snakes? It was only the fact that the salesman was lookng at me in worry that kept me from crawling in there with them. Oh God, I love rabbits. I never knew that I could connect with them like this, but I walked out of there almost holding one, because SOOTHING BUNNY LOVE and OMG GIANT SEMI CARNIVOROUS LIZARDS ALL AROUND ME. It's just--*sighs*. Hell. Special hell.

Actually, I'm just incredibly stupid. Seriously. What the *hell*?

Yes, it is a good idea to listen to the instructions of the nice PetCo man from ten feet away, because he was holding a lizard and I could not make myself come any closer. Yes, get that giant scorpion out and let it run around. I'll be standing over by the basset hound relief area, looking at the soothing dogs. Oh, good, we want a bearded dragon, and okay, right, they're pretty freaking zen for lizards. He just lays there across my son's hand and blinks and occasionally twitches his tail. This pet business is an expensive undertaking involving terrariums, sand, rocks, heating pads, special lights, strange foods, and God and every saint, can o'crickets. With--cricket juice. They are packed in their own cricket juice. I have no words. He recommended since Child wanted something he could touch, and well, the gekkos are one, something I can find in my shower (don't even ask the new and creative ways I can shave my legs with my eyes fixed on the wall the entire time--let's just say it's an all new adventure), and two, they tend to escape and it'll be Jenn on the Dining Room Table and Jenn on the Computer Desk and Jenn on Top of the Sofa and you can see a pattern here, right?

I've had a long day. I did shopping therapy, in which I and Target became one with new sheets and a second pillow sham for my bed and a new accent pillow. Yes. An accent pillow. I am that kind of person. Hair stuff. Feng Shui candles for mom, then the Lizard of Doom. More hair things. Coldplay. Also went and got a new skirt and shoes and shirt, becuase I'm in that place that says, I don't care about eating this month, I need this. I have justified conspicous consumerism with the fact that this is pretty much teh only way I'm going to get through the fact we have a lizard in the house

*****

From the Annals of Thank God My Zen Came on Time:

thepouncer sent me *prettiness* in the form of Joe Flanigan, and I can honestly state that it's humanly impossible for anyone to be that preternaturally pretty. It's just--laws of physics are broken. Laws of God and man are broken. It's--*waves hands*. It totally distracted me from the fact that fifteen feet away, a lizard is doing lizard things. Permanently.

Chica, name your price. Story, slavery, oh, do you want a nice semi-used bearded dragon?

*rubs forehead*

I've had a really scary day.

Snakes. Everywhere. And people buy them. And there were big ones and they all coiled together and it was just--yeah. I need alcohol. Or valium.

Aladdin!John for zen. Zen zen zen. One with the universe.

Oh my God, there is a bearded dragon in the house.

http://community.livejournal.com/kittypix/7309266.html

I'm with you there. Eep.

Just look at the pretty picture. It is not JF, but since someone already did that I thought I'd be different.

*waits patiently and unstalker like*

mmmm kitties. mmmmm.

With--cricket juice. They are packed in their own cricket juice.

Okay, I was really good up until that point. I like reptiles. I do! And I have no issue with scaley creatures and even let my female betta eat dried worms off my finger (but not the male because he HANGS ONTO MY FLESH and really, that's just an ass-hatty thing to do) but..CRICKET JUICE?

Oh my God where does cricket juice come from?

Also, what does a bearded dragon look like, exactly? o_O

Linzee

He looks a lot like this. But about as big as my palm, not including tail.

http://www.hunterian.gla.ac.uk/news/archive/max/Bearded-Dragon.jpg

I mean, if you like reptiles, cute! If you don't? Utterly terrifying.

...cricket juice. I just--you know? I just don't want to know.

~~omg it is cute!~~

I feel your pain though -- when I was a WeeLinzee we had gerbils. My mom is terrified of rodents. So, of course, Butterscotch used to love to escape his cage and hide under the oven. We wouldn't be able to find him for hours until she went to start dinner, at which point he would leap out and nibble her toes and all of the sudden look, there's mom standing on the counter!

...cricket juice. I just--you know? I just don't want to know.

It's like tuna canned in water. Only with less water and more...uh...cricket...

:shivers:

Linzee

I take it you don't like Steve Irwin? You should totally write a story with Rodney screaming and running onto a table - or better yet, John running in screaming and jumping onto a table with Rodney following behind with a lizard. Turn your fear into story!
((((HUGS))))
And just remember, even though you are scared to death of it, you get to eat ice cream and drink copious amounts of alcohol while it eats ---- crickets.

*grins hugely* That woudl be so cruel. I could put them *both* on a table. On teh planet of Friendly Sentient Reptiles.

*sighs*

..and twitch myself to death while writing it.

You love Child so very, very much; this is obvious. *g*

I wouldn't buy a reptile for one of my kids, despite the fact that I can pretty much deal with snakes and lizards--especially behind glass. (And scorpions? Dude. I can't even look at pictures of scorpions. *shudders* I would never have made it through the pet store.)

I am a sucker for him looking big eyed and appealingly cute. It's--like a disease. They're his *thing*, you know? If this is his passion then--well, I will cry bitterly and curse fate, but okay.

*twtiches* Giant Scorpion. Did nothing good for me.

Breathe deeply and imagine that your bearded dragon is ... Rodney McKay in lizard form. It is, in fact, a Rodneysaurus. It may reprogram your computer or build a particle accelerator while you're at work, but it won't do anything really, you know, harmful.

*ponders this possibility*

Hmm. Rodneydragon. Hmm. It could be a good zen place to go when I have to clean the cage of the--lizard. Did I metnion my son named it Junior?

JUNIOR.

Junior? OK, ROdney McKay, Jr.-dragon.

My Dad used to name our pets, and we had a dog that spent 17 years being called "Puppy." I empathize, believe me *G*.

I could relate the stories of finding snakes of indeterminate species on my enclosed front porch, or the time I captured a small green hog-nosed garden snake in my hand (while I was lying in the grass and felt it moving across my palm), and let it wrap itself about my wrist...

Or the several rattlesnakes my Mom has shot with rifles and revolvers around her house.

But I won't.

You are a Very Good Mom. *pets your shoulder soothingly*

*breahtes from floor*

Oh, look, snake flashbacks. Just what i needed here.

*purrs under petting* Good place. What's a litlte trauma between me and Child?

He is ridiculously pretty, and I'm so glad that's distracting you from the Lizard Invasion. I don't think I could do that - all my pets should be small and fluffy or at least reside in water (from the time I kept bettas, until I got too guilty at them dying). If you should happen to find inspiration from Cupid or Thoughtcrimes viewage, I admit it would make me very happy. Or, you know, anything focusing on John. I'm so easy when it comes to JF! Should I be ashamed?

*grins hugely* Thoughtcrimes. God. *God*.

No shame. He's preternaturally pretty. It's impsosible to resist. Or stop staring, for that matter.

God, he is pretty.

if you love rabbits and need a little pick me up, google "giant german rabbit bbc" and click on the picture to enlarge. it will make your day.

OMG I saw that! So cute!

fifteen feet away, a lizard is doing lizard things.

Maybe the lizard will help get rid of the other creepy crawlies in the house.

He'll probably *attract* them or soemthing. Becuase that is my luck.

*but clings to hope*

Man, you're the coolest Mom ever! When I was fifteen, I wanted a pet rat, but wasn't allowed one because Pa doesn't like them. For you to buy your kid a pet that actually terrifies you is awesome!

I am zenning on the entire experience. I'm hoping exposure will burn out the worst of hte horror.

Yep... good Mom!

I'm not as wierded out by lizards as I am snakes... maybe it's the little legs that do something for me... I had Texas Horned toads when I was a girl... and I just loved the little critters.

http://graphicstock.com/graphicstock/reptile%20pages/reptile%201.html

They still have the potential to wreck havoc... or as my Dad used to say "They may not hurt me but they sure can make me hurt MYSELF."

*HUGS* the lovely scared parent inside you.

this box of bunnies past the first round of oh dear God snakes?
Perhaps now would not be the time to ask if you were sure the fluffy bunnikins were *actually* for sale as pets? Cos you know? can o'crickets.!

Boy (omg he's way too old for me to still think of him as being 7!) next door has snake -once you start stroking it it's pretty hard to stop. Okay that looks a bit- I do mean an actual reptile you get that right?

Glad Aladdin!John could help.

When I was in high school my dad got me a snake even though he was deathly afraid, because I wanted one so damn badly. And he hated it the whole time I had it, and now I am thirty and I still think fondly of the snake (even though it was kind of a crappy pet) because it was evidence of just how much my dad loved me.

You know, at least you now have a Giant Lizard Monster on hand for photo-fic when the SGA action figures finally come out.

Wow! What a good mommy!

That would be like me getting a bird, which...they're cool and wonderful and all, but they scare me, and nevernevernver.

Again? Good mom!

I never knew that I could connect with them like this, but I walked out of there almost holding one, because SOOTHING BUNNY LOVE and OMG GIANT SEMI CARNIVOROUS LIZARDS ALL AROUND ME.

HAHAHAHA! I'm just imagining you and the bunnies *clinging* to each other, staring at the lizards in utter horror.

*sniggers* I'm amazed that I'm reading this, and the two freakiest animals in that post are 1) scorpions (because poisonous and far too many Indiana Jones flashbacks) and 2) bunnies.

When did I become Anya? No, seriously, *when*? When did I start looking at cute little bunnies and thinking they'll grow into monster rabbits: big, huge with sharp, sharp teeth that actually *hiss* at you?

I think reptiles are cool. As long as, y'know, not poisonous and you can pet them. (And snakes are very cool to touch, for the record.)

If there's one thing I discovered staying on a tiny little island on the outskirts of Fiji, with no running water and no electricity after ten, it's this; lizards are meant to be there for aesthetic reasons. They scream "ooo, tropical. Behold, I am on a deserted island where it is warm. You can tell by the lizard." And then they can get eaten by the cat. Really. Friday became my bestest island friend because of this. As for the non-furry, the only reason I can actually own Rodney, the Cranky Turtle is because, a) he actually fits the name, b) he bops to the beat of music (Black Eyed Peas "Monkey Business" is his favorite CD. No lie), and c) he's a terrifyingly smart turtle. This last fact makes for endless hours of entertainment. Plus, you know, notalizard.
Good luck, my friend. Also? I think now you qualify for Sainthood. Saint Jenn, writer of the good porn, mother who let Child have a lizard. You'll have a medallion and an order and everything, trust me.

Some time ago,

sclerotic_rings made an amused post about making a friend of his nearly projectile vomit by bringing up the canned crickets (and I think actually showing it to the friend to prove that such a product exists). As a long-time reptile-owner who'd had to catch locusts or whatever to feed prior lizards he'd had,

sclerotic_rings thought it was a fantastic product idea.

And my sister used to make Mom and I jump by casually walking out of her bedroom with a live snake hanging off her person. She had the sense not to tell Mom about it when one of the corn snakes escaped its tank and might have gotten out of her bedroom into the rest of the house.

From the Annals of Thank God My Zen Came on Time: thepouncer sent me *prettiness* in the form of Joe Flanigan, and I can honestly state that it's humanly impossible for anyone to be that preternaturally pretty. It's just--laws of physics are broken. Laws of God and man are broken. It's--*waves hands*. It totally distracted me from the fact that fifteen feet away, a lizard is doing lizard things. Permanently.

1. What did

thepouncer send you? And also have you seen Though Crimes? If you haven't I will send it to you.

2. I envy you those fifteen feet. I am a lizard girl. I plan to eventually get a snake just so I can watch it eat. *G*

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i am not in the zen place

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oooo lizards!

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