in which i write out my shock, like i was always told to do

Today is the day I drew my lines on how much I actually want to know about any blood relation's sex life.

I am a big, fun proponent of repress, deny, and in teh name of God, don't tell me, but my sister and her soon to be ex-husband have no problem sharing things that belong strictly in places that I do not frequent--namely, places I am not in hearing distance of. Antarctica, for example. The Pegasus galaxy. Wherever the X-Files grey men came from. Neverland. It's a disconcerting situation all around when one realizes that one is a prude, despite what has to be coming on five hundred thousand words of porn and porn-related plot.

And I'm not a prude. Except when I am, apparently.



My youngest sister had diary entries about her sex life from age fourteen on, which during a period of time I am under legal obligation not to discuss, I ran across and read, with a kind of slow, shocked horror, and that was like, more entries than I think there were days in that particular year. The terminology is extremely beyond anything I could find even in bad porn, and explicit in that way that makes me want amnesia in the worst way. So I've known for a while that of the three daughters of my parents, I was not in the running for Miss Sexual Adventures. Frankly, even with the seven year gap between me and my youngest sister, I can't even claim I was the first to lose my virginity. I can't be *sure*. It's--something.

But anyway, car convo on the way over to our ultra!suburban uncle and his ultra!suburban family in their very nice suburban neighborhood--the emphasis here is deliberate--to pick up a piano. For my mother. Just before Christmas.

It started with the usual--Middle Sister and Husband are divorcing, for reasons no one understands and they've never really bothered to explain. They have the date planned for June, they're still living together, and sadly, I have empirical proof they're still having sex regularly, which we'll get to in a minute. And having sex regularly with other people. This has expanded to people of apparently any sex available, and I had her rewind, because I've wondered if my sister and her husband have been inviting third parties over for more than coffee and crumpets, (and that entire stash of very bizarre porn magazines Child and Niece found, with the person all in a body cast, if anyone remembers my entry of what the hell and also, what the *hell*) but--

We're getting a piano. A piano. And Middle Sister is going on and on about a girl and a guy from work and hooking up and there's this entire thing with her husband's boss that I want to know even less about and--a piano! At my uncle's! Youngest Sister, who is dating Semi-Goth Candidate for Serial Killer of the Future, is asking questions and I'm in the front seat, trying not to believe that at this rate, I will not be scarred for life. And that I can face my uncle and aunt with some semblance of hi, I'm not freaking out. Give me the damn piano so I can breakdown in private already.

Then there's today, where my eight year old son narrated finding Middle Sister and Husband engaged in recreation with an added bonus soundtrack that I am not not getting over in teh near future. I mean, ever. Middle Sister and Husband and Mother laughed. No one denied a damn thing.

Oh God, I am a prude. I am a slash-writing prude. I have written things that I'm pretty sure aren't possible without medical intervention, and I? I am a prude. Or maybe it's just that the concept of blood relations popping in to narrate their incredibly adventurous sex lives is just more than I can handle in this life. Some of it could be the fact that I have no idea where on earth any of these people fit in all this adventuring between work, clubbing, parenting, and spending lethal amounts of time playing Fantasy Football and working on their vehicles. That is some serious time management.

Hi, if you're new to my LJ? Welcome to my life.

Comments

[fajrdrako.livejournal.com]

My family seems so very dull in comparison.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I suspect my life is actually reality tv and the world is doing this jsut to see how logn it takes me to crack.

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

I've always wondered why some people feel compelled to be exhibitionists in every sense of the word and man - maybe the only thing to do is get earplugs?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Earplugs, hypnosis, shock therapy--I mean, those porn things *still* haunt me, and that was *before* the narration.

*stares at monitor vaguely* I will be--over here. Blocking my memories.

[stillane.livejournal.com]

Oh, boy, do I sympathize. Recently discovered the little sis is getting carnal with the boyfriend. I'm currently going through the old "Nonono, I changed your diapers, damnit" phase. Best of luck to you.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking only electroshock will be able to help with this one.

My sympathies with yoru sister. Maybe we could get a two for one deal at the electoshock guy?

[deadlychameleon.livejournal.com]

That is some serious time management.
Jello is like sex.
you can squish it in just about anywhere. :-)

YAY VISUALS YAY!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I have never hated you so much in my life.

*trying to *scrub the visuals* away*

[wonderlandkat.livejournal.com]

I have never been so happy that my mother is a prude and calls anyone who is not married having sex "an affair".

And, hi! I'm new.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*waves* Hi! It's nice to meet you! And let us hope there is no reason for me to *ever* make an entry like this again.

*hands shot glass, for solidarity*

[sylvertongue.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, I sympathise. My mother and my little sister both have absolutely no concept of appropriate level of sharing. Have taken to covering my ears and yelling, "Trauma!" when the overshare begins.

I don't think it's prudishness - it's just not the kind of thing one wants to share with ones blood relatives.

[margueritem.livejournal.com]

I'm suddenly imagining Rodney McKay, in his living room, watching TV, with his mom. Sister comes and starts to chat with the mom.

Oversharing happens.

And poor Rodney cries out, "Trauma!" Hee hee hee

[carta.livejournal.com]

Hi, if you're new to my LJ? Welcome to my life.

Well, it's an auspicious start. *g*

Gah. I can handle sex talk as long as it's not about anyone I know - so no family, no best friend, no close acquaintance, no nothing. My best friend and I had an incredibly uncomfortable sex talk months ago wherein we discovered that her boyfriend was not up to par, and that I wanted to DIE from having to even remotely envision her "doing it". It still causes me pain. Flashbacks.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*hands you a shot glass*

My best friend and I went shopping for lube for her and her boyfriend. There was debate over type and kind. In Wal-Mart.

I...don't have words. But yes. *drinks own shot*

[wrenlet.livejournal.com]

... okay, I have no siblings, I cannot relate. But when I was nineteen my mother asked me IF DIFFERENT MEN FEEL DIFFERENT.

I've never recovered.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* I am *so sorry*.

*gives you shot glass of solidarity*

[cjandre.livejournal.com]

I would be asking questions from the back seat - but totally freaking out on their asses if my daughter walked in on them!

*pets Jenn*

just remember: family are those people for whom you have no plausible deniability.

:-)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*breathes from under the desk*

I can change my name. And possibly my DNA, if I start working on that doctorate in genetics *now*.

[aivilo-18.livejournal.com]

[delurks]

Oh, god. Repressed traumatic memories of little brother coming to me, stoned and 16 years old and excited to tell *anyone* *who* *would* *listen* about his first blowjob and DAMN IT WHY WAS I HOME THAT DAY OHGODISHOULDHAVEBEENATWORK!!!!!...

::coughs::

Sorry. Ignore me. I'm just going to go back to my corner of LJ and cry for for a few days. Don't mind me.

I feel for you though. Hope that therapy you're going to need works out for you.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*hands over shot glasses* I'm running out of glasses. I'm not sure whether to cry with joy that there are Others That Have Felt My Pain or just despair on how many of us have been Scarred for Life.

[that_mireille]

It's not so much being a prude, I think, as it is that this is your family, and there are things you don't want to know about them.

That conversation would be #1-#213892389423 on the list, I think.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*nods* Yes. OH God, yes.

*hands you shot glass*

[lishel_fracrium.livejournal.com]

aww *pets you* no hun,your not a prude. it's just family. i could read a lot of dirty porn till I'm blue in the face. but don't ever tell me about my parents or sister's sex life cause yuck! *shudders* I'll just sit here and cuddle my slash it's less traumatising. lol

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*grins* Yes, much less traumatmzing*

[etben.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain:

-While at home, looking for a book I'd lent to my younger brother, I found his stash of porn. Which he's apparently been printing off on the family computer, which, eurgh - not even going to touch that one. Icky.

-My roommate, who's the best and who I love beyond the telling of it, has absolutely no sense of what sort of things I'm ok with knowing about her sex life and what I'm really, really not ok with. This week? masturbation habits: what's normal and what's not.

-The people who live upstairs from me have extremely noisy sex several times a day, usually at around 3pm and then again at 1 in the morning. On weekends, they tend to go for a third showing...at 10 am.

Not to be pushy, but I see that you're handing out shot glasses - any left? Because I could use one.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*hands over two*

You have the in-house movie as well of The Porn You Don't Want to Know. You totally win.

*drinks with you* I keep telling myself? One day? When I write my memoirs? Oh dear God they will be sorry.

*clings to this*

[gaylarain.livejournal.com]

My poor sister-in-law came over to help go through my mom and dad's bedroom after mom died. She was the one to come across the vibrator. She screamed and we all came running and going ick. Then my older sister pipes up with the fact that she knew it was there because mom talked to her about it and how they used it. Which made me exceedingly grateful that I am the unmarried daughter who would never be told these things.

PS: My dad is right now on his honeymoon. Mom has not even been dead a full year. That is what 38 years of marriage is worth.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Also? I'd probably never get over the vibrator. Like, ever.

*offers shot glass*

[2naonh3-cl2.livejournal.com]

sweetie, it's family. family destroys and ruins us all. it's fine when it's other people, but when it's family, it's gross.

my sister got engaged like 6 months ago, and while i was explaining to her about how our parents would totally object to premarital...blearghy-ness, she had to god, "but we haven't..." looks at me with wide eyes.

o.O older sib she may be...but i don't want to know. i still get freaked out when i see her kiss her boytoy. somehow, it's just WRONG.

*sympathizes* and i hope child is not scarred for life.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*drinks* Yes. Family should never reveal *anything*. Yes.

[eliade.livejournal.com]

Oh God, I am a prude. I am a slash-writing prude. I have written things that I'm pretty sure aren't possible without medical intervention, and I? I am a prude.

Ditto, ditto, and? ditto. I feel for you.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*hugs you and takes another shot*

[jaebi-lit.livejournal.com]

It's always a little different when it's RL and family having sex rather than people inside your head (or another writer's). During the badfic challenge, I read all kinds of bizarre porn, but in RL, warning my little brother to use a condom and not have sex in my car (he uses it when I'm at school) on the pain of death is as far as I go. I really *don't* want to know about anything else.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*grins and hands over glass* Yes! Exactly! Keep it minimal and only *as necessary*

That is inspriational. *nods and drinks*

[fanofall.livejournal.com]

When my brother was fourteen, we were all out to dinner. Conversation turned to my brother's dating habits, and my sister (The Middle Child) asked my brother how his sex life was going. He turned bright red, spluttered, got very flustered, and then, in the middle of the Red Lobster, blurted out, "I PULLED OUT, OKAY?!"

My sister never did come out of the restroom.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*chokes and hands over shot glass*

That--that is a moment that requires alcohol. A lot of it.

*hugs you in sympathy*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Oh geez...I'm that person, the one who blurts out everything. *hangs head* God, how I wish I were more ashamed of it....

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*dies laughing*

[snoopygirll.livejournal.com]

I too have a sister 7 years younger and it's like she's from another generation - so, yeah, I feel your pain. *g*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*nods* It's all just--so wrong.

[robotjen.livejournal.com]

Wow, Jenn. The best part of that, of course, is that you were picking up a piano. Heh! :)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

UNCLE'S PIANO! MY GOD.

Just so not the time.

[whatdanidigs.livejournal.com]

My sister and I are just breaking in the level of share we can have with each other. Like finding out that her jackass ex couldn't get it up, is hilarious. On the other hand, hearing details about her kinks tmi.

[demeleka.livejournal.com]

Finding the much younger sister's porno diary is a Very Weird Thing. The writing was so horrible it makes me wonder why she even wanted to remember it all.

My family sucks. My mom wants grandkids so bad that I'm the one stuck giving my little sister the horrible use protection and be careful speeches.

[spaggel.livejournal.com]

Just wait until somehow you get involved in a discussion about the worst porn involving dildo, fake tits and hairy coochies and then it leads to THE MECHANICS OF FISTING ALKSHDlksdlkasjd

*holds bottle close to body*

[teaphile.livejournal.com]

I have no problem talking about my sister's sex life, but when my mother starts asking intrusive questions about me and my husband, it's damn creepy.