the exit strategy - this is where a plan comes together. badly.

You know that dream you have about being naked suddenly and everyone is pointing and laughing? Yeah, I never had one of those. Wait, this isn't me being smug about my lack of nudity in dreams here; I am saying that with that entire surgery coming up, one of my big terrors seems to be that under the influence of post-anesthesia and painkillers I'll like, come to my journals and post something insane and friendship destroying.

(I'm sorry; are you judging my fears? Step the fuck off.)

This is haunting me; I was up in a cold sweat recently trying to work out an exit strategy. Because I'll be honest with you here; I won't even try the surgery/painkiller defense if I post something crazy. I'll be like, in metaphorical Burma or something with a new name and deleting every reference to Seperis the fanfic writer I can find while trying to find some kind of interest in Pokemon or anime or something that no one who knew me would be around. Possibly on ff.net.(God. I like anime, but not like that. This is so depressing. Do I need to learn Japanese and embrace loli? I suck at languages.)

But I did work out a plan. Here's how it will go.

1.) Wraithbait. Get the few fic there.
2.) Take out my webpage in a fell swoop.
3.) AO3 next. I'm being subtle.
4.) The dS archive and the trek archive I put fic in.
5.) Diaryland.
6.) Dreamwidth; now my plan is coming into focus!
7.) Livejournal!

Then I realized that I didn't even hit the fucking tip of Seperis' digital footprint.

Insanejournal, Journalfen, Metafilter, Vox, Fanlore, The Remixes, several messageboards, a few blogs, all my cowrites that other people have archived, dear God the mailing lists.

Because there is still the SSA that isn't self-archiving, Trekiverse, PTCollective, WolverineandRogue archive, some other--archives?--and like, I had this open archiving policy for a while and I fall on top of my fic in obscure archives all the time (thanks! I'm glad you liked it! Maybe tell me next time though? Just so it's not quite such a shock to see my name pop up in like Archive of Obscurity I Have Never Heard of Before?), and then there's the fact I used Jenn pretty interchangeably on my fic with Seperis before I switched full time to Seperis--seriously, that was because I was lazy and it was easier if everything matched and seemed less confusing to people, and I get that, too many names--and then there's usenet and that's goddamn eternal. Cockroaches and the usenet archives will survive the apocalypse. And then.

Then there is google.

Dearest God there is google. There is yahoo. There is wayback machine. There is every comment I have ever made. Icerocket, ljseek, bloglines, rss feeds, and that's when I realized that IRL I could vanish a lot easier and with fewer traces than Seperis can. I could get away with a new identity in a new city easier than I can on the internet.

I feel a fetal ball position coming on.

....God, that doesn't even include my email addresses. And Facebook. And MySpace. My AIM, YIM, GCHAT, ICQ (I don't even know the password to that anymore!). And I--don't know what else?

Right. People.

See, that's where I'd actually need that obscure area that no one who has ever met me ever goes; it's not that I'm so unmistakable people might guess on a comment. It's more I'm stupid and I see like, IDK, scy and be like "HEY THAT IS LIKE THAT FIC YOU WROTE THAT I LOVED ABOUT X," and she's like "OH MY GOD I NEVER POSTED THAT AND ONLY SEPERIS EVER SAW IT"--that is the kind of stupid shit I'd do. And not just once, mind you. No. I am not subtle in my stupidity. I mean, I want to say that it's my so-strict ethics that keep me from using sockpuppets and anonymous--no. My so-strict ethics developed from my fail to pull that shit off. I tried--once--in a flamewar ten years ago and I made a mess of it. And that's with like, seven other people telling me what to do.

And fact; I have posted pics, some of you have met me, vacationed with me, let me sleep on your futons with long metal bars through the bottom of them (no names or anything), got drunk with me, and probably would be a little suspicious if a strangely familiar person showed up at the con as YouDontKnowMeReally548 with an eerily familiar vocabulary in too-tall heels clutching a laptop and trying to look like I'm trying really hard to totally not know anyone, you know? My first vodka, just take me for a cigarette and I'll tell you pretty much anything you want to know. I may also want to cuddle; it happens.

(Also. I could be wrong, but I imagine a couple of people who have my mother's phone number just might take advantage of that fact. And by a couple, I mean; wait, why did I give people my mom's phone number?)

There's so much history, and it's not that I didn't know that--it's that I didn't know it like this. I don't blink when someone calls for me using Seperis at a con or out with fangirls; there's five pronunciations and I answer pretty evenly to them all (I'm textual; I have no idea how it's pronounced. I made it up! Then I found out it's an actual legit surname in Serbia circa 2004ish and I'm scared to find out what it sounds like). Half the people I talk to probably have forgotten my name is Jenn. Online, in fandom, in fandom spaces, I don't answer to Jenn as fast as I do to Seperis.

I don't have a problem with that, actually. It's mine the way my birth name isn't.

So this may be more complicated than I originally thought. Yes, I get that not-posting during this hypothetical anesthesia/painkiller crisis is a potential solution, but come on. If I'm going to post crazy, you think I'm going to like, ponder whether or not I should post?

I need to rethink my exit strategy. Maybe while eating this convenient Kit-Kat.

Comments

[libitina]

Perhaps before leaving for the hospital, you should just change your default security settings for posting to private. For your peace of mind.

[seperis]

I don't trust myself enough not to change it back. Though that might slow me down a bit. Long enough for someone to call my mother, maybe.

[mrshamill]

Holy shit you're amusing when you're freaking out. ducks

Just appoint somebuddy as your official Hall Monitor who can follow around behind you, cleaning up your messes and letting everyone know you're just posting with your pants down around your ankles, regular posting will continue once this small bump has been circumnavigated or whatever, thank you kindly. Madelyn will do it for you.

While I wouldn't wish anyone any more pain, I think you're another one like me who tends to get more creative the more manic you get. Send some of that my way, wouldja? I haven't writ nothing in ages.

[seperis]

I forgot the Madelyn Strategy. She has all my usernames, my passwords, and most of my email addresses. *thoughtful* But she might not give everything back.

*ponders*

[lovelokest]

Those kinds of fear are the worst. Maybe disable the wifi somehow before you go in for surgery?

[seperis]

I could take out my wireless cards. If I'm loopy, I probably can't operate a screwdriver. Probably. *ponders*

[ratcreature]

You could not take your computer/netbook/internet phone to the hospital? Ordo you get back home right away without a hospital stay?

Also, I've had general anesthesia, and that itself didn't make me all that loopy after waking up. Though granted, I was not on serious painkillers afterwards (those might have helped with the horrible internet withdrawal I was suffering after having been forbidden to read anything at all after that retina surgery for several days).

[seperis]

I'll find out for sure on Thursday? Usually it's day surgery, from what I understand, so all I'll have is my phone and whoever takes me and brings me home who will have said phone.

Though granted, I was not on serious painkillers afterwards (those might have helped with the horrible internet withdrawal I was suffering after having been forbidden to read anything at all after that retina surgery for several days).

Oh, ouch. *winces* That must have sucked.

[litotease]

I had my gallbladder out 15 years ago, so my memory might be fuzzy, but I remember lots and lots of exhaustion and sleeping afterwords but not so much with the loopy. I have a fairly high tolerance for Vicodin, though, so YMMV.

[seperis]

I like sleep. *hopeful* I don't think I can crazy post in my sleep?

[kass]

It's mine the way my birth name isn't.

I totally know that feeling!

[cereta]

I not only know this feeling, I took steps to incorporate my fannish name (Lucy, not Cereta) into my legal name. The local RABBI knows me as Lucy.

[scy]

If you need to, Madelyn and I can both 'hold the keys to the car' so to speak? That way one of us will give them back?

*pets*you

Also, if it's day surgery, you are not as likely to be knocked for a loop with the drugs. They want you to go HOME, not be so drugged that you need to be under observation.

[seperis]

Ooh, there is that. I may take you up on that!

[green_grrl]

Huh. People have, like, reasonable ideas and stuff. My first thought was to have Madelyn make a big post saying, "JENN IS SO UPSET. SOME HACKER CRACKED HER JOURNAL/EMAIL/WHATEVS. SHE IS WORKING WITH LJ/EMAIL/WHOEVS TO GET HER ACCOUNT BACK UNDER HER CONTROL. UNTIL THEN, PLEASE IGNORE THE CRAZINESS."

Of course, after this post, that wouldn't work so well ....

(Good luck w/surgery!)

[seperis]

Hey, hey. If I'm going to cash in eleven years of my social capital of not being a douche, I'm doing it original and with style--or at least hilariously, so people will also laugh while hating me.

You think svmadelyn would let me do it badly? God. She'd kill me if I was a cliche!

[everysecondtuesday]

I am going to vote for the Madelyn plan, because we would miss you!

[seperis]

That does seem like a reasonable plan, yes. *blows out breath* If she gives everything back after.

[scrollgirl]

then there's the fact I used Jenn pretty interchangeably on my fic with Seperis before I switched full time to Seperis

Ooh, hey, I guess I should stop calling you Jenn, then, huh? Sorry!

[seperis]

Oh, no! I answer to both online! It just hit me recently how a lot of people post-SGA don't connect seperis and jenn automatically, or really, have no idea my name is Jenn. It was interesting!

[medie]

Well, now we're all totally warned so any badness which might occur, we'll just chalk up to post surgery shenanigans?

[out_there]

*pets* I think asking Madelyn to be Seperis Monitor is probably the smartest idea, although I find this hilarious:

that's when I realized that IRL I could vanish a lot easier and with fewer traces than Seperis can.

It's scarily true that after spending years on LJ and everything else (add up all those online hours -- it's *years*), your outline is there forever. I have a strong suspicion that when I'm laying in a graveyard, headstone starting to molder away, there will still be the wayback machine and ridiculous comments floating around the internet.

[ellie]

Anesthesia is trippy. You are awake then you are not then you are awake again, like an on/off switch, no counting backwards like they use to do on tv or the movie. That is what happened to me when I had my surgical biopsy. There is nothing like it.

I don't know how I can help you. The only thing I can do is promise that if you happen to write anything crazy while under the influence of painkillers like you fear you might, that I will keep in mind that it's the pain killers posting not you and disregard it like that last Highlander movie which as far as I am concerned is a horrible, horrible nightmare and never happened.

I hope that helps a little.

[ladyvyola]

Oh, c'mon now!

You're clearly planning something. You've got someone in your sights and going to go all batshit crazy on them and this is just laying the grounds for an internet-innocent by reason of anesthesia plea.

It's brilliant!

::makes popcorn and refreshes fandom_wank::

[jan]

You can always just say a la Mulder and Scully in Bad Blood, "I WAS DRUGGED!"

In fact, I can dig up the lyrics to the Shaft song ("sex machine with all the chicks"?) so you can have it in advance of your surgery. I'm helpful like that. =P

[jan]

OMG, now I'm watching old X-Files clips on YouTube and cracking the hell up. See, e.g., http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQtCrRMRuBU.

[winterlive.livejournal.com]

you're insane.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

That's what makes me hot, y/y?

(The answer is 'y', btw.)

[aurora]

Oh lord, this post. ♥

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I like to be prepared, okay? THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

[eponymousanon.livejournal.com]

Mmm KitKats. I agree with Winterlive; you are insane, but aren't we all, and in the best way? I did actually switch journals and attempt a purge a couple years back (my new name is so original, y/y?) but it was hard even as a lurker, I can't imagine doing it as an author.

Also, I totally get the name thing--I play WoW, and even though I now know the people I play with outside the Internets (they've slept on my couch, drunk dial me sometimes, etc) we still usually refer to each other by our WoW names b/c it's what we're used to calling each other. Ventrilo FTW--there's now a standardized pronunciation of my totally made-up name :D

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I think my ego would have issues like whoa; Seperis would totes not go quietly into the night.

Also, I totally get the name thing--I play WoW, and even though I now know the people I play with outside the Internets (they've slept on my couch, drunk dial me sometimes, etc) we still usually refer to each other by our WoW names b/c it's what we're used to calling each other. Ventrilo FTW--there's now a standardized pronunciation of my totally made-up name :D

Ventrilo. I like it. Like a Spanish wine-latte.

[aivilo-18.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, you're adorable.

I had seven teeth taken out at the same time in day surgery once and I ended up slapping my dad across the face and calling him a whore while making the transition from anesthetic to morphine. He still drove me home and made sure I didn't decide to test certain theories I had about how I could fly.

What I'm saying is, I'm pretty sure people here will still love you and grant you certain flexibilities with regards to your posting practices while you're high as a fucking kite. What is surgery and drugs for if not a convenient excuse suitable for any occasion?

Also, if you leave fandom, I'll *die*. So, there's that as well.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I had seven teeth taken out at the same time in day surgery once and I ended up slapping my dad across the face and calling him a whore while making the transition from anesthetic to morphine. He still drove me home and made sure I didn't decide to test certain theories I had about how I could fly.

*dies laughing* I am scared of heights, but I do have this thing about going really fast, so there's a fair to good chance I will want to drive home. But I know for a fact when I am high, I get cuddly and inappropriate, so there is that to ponder.

[grissecon.livejournal.com]

Sweetheart!

Having spoken (IM'd... whichever ::hand waving::) to you under the influence, I have no doubt that any extemporaneous posting will be charming and in no way friendship-destroying... just anticipate the perfectly-legal-drugs high and let the netizens look out for themselves. ;P

[seperis.livejournal.com]

mmm legal drugs. That part sounds nice.

[cathalin.livejournal.com]

I tried--once--in a flamewar ten years ago and I made a mess of it.

Bwahahahahaha omg this would so totally be me.

You do have a pretty distinctive voice (understatement), so I'm sitting here LOLing about the anon thing. I mean, you're super talented, you could do it! It's just, it would take a LOT of concentration, I'd imagine.

Bb just give Winterlive your lj/dw codes, have her change them, then give them back after 24 hours. Ahahahahaha

[seperis.livejournal.com]

God, I cannot trying to start from scratch! I MEAN HORROR. Plus, I don't think I can take another name? I'd confuse myself!

[boggit.livejournal.com]

1) you could always lock your computer with some kind of algorithm that requires you do high-level math to log-in. Maybe that would slow you down while drugged up?

2) your flist will just assume it's Adopt a Different Personality Day or something and we're just not in the loop. You might spark a wave of "something insane and friendship destroying" posts. ....which might be as good as reason as any to try to erase yourself from the internet. Right.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

1.) ooh, ,good one!

2.) ....holy shit disaster. *horror*

[rissabby.livejournal.com]

This made me lol, and that's when I realized that IRL I could vanish a lot easier and with fewer traces than Seperis can.

Coincidentally, last night, I don't know why, I decided to google my LJ name. Nothing much came up. Then I googled one of my on-line poker playing user names... I was surprised at what came up; hands that other players had posted to be analyzed, sites with poker spy software, hand tracking sites, poker blogs, ick.

Anyhow, I find your paranoia entertaining and your on-line presence to be impressive.
I regard you as someone whose posts are sometimes very, er, forthright. (yeah) I expect you could get away with posting a bit of "I love the fandom schmoop" or "I hate you all, brutality" and still be respected the morning after.

btw, in my head, Seperis is pronounced with an accent on the first syllable.

Take care. I want to be enjoying your LJ for a long time.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Coincidentally, last night, I don't know why, I decided to google my LJ name. Nothing much came up. Then I googled one of my on-line poker playing user names... I was surprised at what came up; hands that other players had posted to be analyzed, sites with poker spy software, hand tracking sites, poker blogs, ick.

Seriously? Oh wow, that is cool!

[tricksterquinn.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear. You're really among my favorites, you know that? BECAUSE YOU'RE BRILLIANTLY CRAZY.

We could force you to jump through hoops before being able to post. Or change your password on you for a bit and only tell you it again once you sobered up.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

The password thing might be the best bet? Yes. It would be. *firmly*

[lizziebethlj.livejournal.com]

Cannot. Stop. Laughing.

The thing is, I should be reassuring you - but instead, I'm kinda seriously hoping you do post something hilariously high. Cause it'd be, you know, hilarious. I'm evil, I apologize.

On the other hand, you do have one clear option: Make a family member lock up your internet access devices until you can have a reasonable conversation. Or recite the preamble to the Constitution or something. A pre-determined Internet Safe Test. Yes, an IST could be the answer....

Or, you just let it happen. It'd be like when you have to look at a friend blearily on the Sunday and ask "WTF did I do last night?" Only on a much larger scope.

Yeah, I'm back to IST. But even if you do that - can you pleeeeaaassseee just have a computer in front of you with no internet access just so you could write what you should have said?! That would be AMAZING to read once you come back to the land of the coherent. ;)

Mostly, try to stop freaking yourself out. You'll be fine, Horace will be vanquished, and your good internet name will remain. (See? I can do assurance!)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Or, you just let it happen. It'd be like when you have to look at a friend blearily on the Sunday and ask "WTF did I do last night?" Only on a much larger scope.

God, the morning after. I don't want to even think about that too hard. *shudders*

Mostly, try to stop freaking yourself out. You'll be fine, Horace will be vanquished, and your good internet name will remain. (See? I can do assurance!)

I am doing a Conservation of Worry. I allow myself one freak out a day on one aspect of this coming thing. That is why this post doesn't include like, an interpretive dance and a capella recording of my low grade panic.