horror beyond telling

On a daily basis, the only thing that keeps me off the roof shouting out bad poetry symbolizing my inner-angst (with Sarah McLachlan sountrack accompanient, thank you) is my absolute terror of open heights. This is a thing--I like them, I like views of them, and the quickest way to make me lightheaded is to make me look down from one.

Also, because I have a sense of humor and sadly, I'm at least ten years out of being able to be *that* angsty on a daily basis. Stupid adulthood, destroying my drama.

Today, basically, the only thing keeping me groundlocked is the fact that I couldn't find a ladder.

Oh my *God*, I am being punished for something I did in my past life. I must have killed puppies or carried out some sort of nefarious plan involving earthworms, I have no idea, but--

My son, my neice, my step-nephew, and my step-neice are, quite honestly, born to a life of darkness and depravity. My rottten sister and husband are off at work, which I understand, that's how bills are paid, but that's really no excuse. It's--my final resort was taking them all outside and making them run circles in the yard.

Don't you *dare* laugh. You think of something better, just hit reply and tell me. Short of tying them up and leaving them out in a yard sale, I've run out of ideas.

And that plan is on the list, by the way.

They ran, though. They ran while I stared meaningfully at them, reminding them of oreo pie in the fridge, and they ran when they saw me threateningly wave my book at them, and then they ran more. They ran when I started chasing them desperately, and that's when I realized that I am *not* seven and these days, watching air move makes me tired. They ran until I felt, just maybe, I'd get them to sit still for a few minutes.

And they are still perky!!!

How is this even *possible*?

I have stated, often and regularly, that I do not want more children. My doctor is, unfairly, I think, not taking calls on weekends, or a tubal ligation would be happening, like in the morning.

Snip and dice away any possibility of this nightmare happening on a daily basis. I'm looking forward to work on Monday. It will get me away from them.

"Mommy--"

"Jenny--"

"JENN--"

"Aun'jenn--"

"JENNIFER--!"

It's like, whines in all flavors, and I'm changing my name to something hard to pronounce. My chips are gone, he won't share the video game, the doll is missing, the sky is falling, I'm getting chased by snakes, the world is ending--bah. If only I could get so lucky--

"MOMMY! HE'S NOT LETTING ME PLAY!"

"JENN! NEICE IS COVERED IN BLUE MARKER!"

"JENN, I WANT MORE SODA!"

Acutally, the blue marker thing was kind of funny, right up until I realized my sister probably expects her child to be in a similar condition to which she was left with me. To wit, not re-living the Pictish era of paganism. What I don't get is how she managed to paint both her arms, her cheeks, and her chest so thoroughly. Her hand-eye coordiation just sucks.

Did I mention they broke the footboard of my sister's bed earlier this week?

*warm satisfaction* It almost makes up for the fact that I had to wash my sheets *twice* to get teh marker out of them. Thank God and Crayola that they were the washable kind. I won't even mention teh state my jeans are in. Or my nerves. Or my hands. Or my broken nails.

I want to sell them on ebay. How much do you think I could make, anyway?

This message is brought to you in a fit of hysteria. If I'm not ever around again, well, can you *blame* me for my newfound appreciation of sheep herding in the upper reaches of Tibet? Really?

Comments

[viggorlijah.livejournal.com]

The newspaper game is good - they can either have a snowball fight will scrunched up newspaper or they can do the one where in two teams or pairs they have to step onto a piece of paper that gets folded in half each turn. Or you can put down markers, like newspaper weighted with stones or cushions and let them play shark where they have to run from one marker to another to avoid the shark, the tagged person who can't eat them when they're on the marker.

You tried tv? letting them have popcorn and watch a long movie? Lion King's good for that. You could read them a story but I usually end up thinking "man, I wanna read my own book, not this five year old's thing". You could! oh! Get them to help you clean something. Wash the car down - that's wet, soapy and fun and you get a cleanish car. To help you clear the garden, or help you wash the dishes - kids love being useful, although they will kvetch to start with.

Myself, I favour gin-soaked lolipops and a locked door....

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Actually, the car thing we tried earlier this week, but there's a problem that cannot be enough underestimated, and we forgot about.

We live *very* rural and in black dirt. Black dirt looks like dirt, all told, until it gets wet. Then it crosses between clay and velcro. It's cute, until you have to break out the steel wool to get them clean. Hosing down? So does not work. *sighs*

Though the newspaper game could be good, actually. They *like* tearing and crumpling things up....hmm. And God knows, we have a *lot* of newspapers, with our terror of throwing things away....

[wrenlet.livejournal.com]

Hah! That sounds so familiar... except with East Texas red clay ;)

We went the opposite of the tied-tubes route, by the way. No little Donovan IIs here, no sirree.

[msaramat.livejournal.com]

It is good to know that there is someone else out there with kids driving them crazy.

My cousin's son, which is how I always refer to him because I refuse to claim him, spent the night last night. He is the most annoying child in the universe and he WILL NOT GO HOME!!!

He's loud. He's obnoxious. He's a big huge pervert, and he's only ten.

If I could find a way to strangle him to death and hide his body without bringing suspicion upon myself, I'd totally do it.

On the plus, he makes me appreciate how really well behaved my two are. I feel so sorry for his mother. She's got him and a pair of three year old twins at home.

But as much sympathy as I have for her, I wish to all things holy she'd come and get her child.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

On the plus, he makes me appreciate how really well behaved my two are. I feel so sorry for his mother. She's got him and a pair of three year old twins at home.

*curls up in fetal ball on teh floor* It *could* be worse. There could be *twins* here.

But as much sympathy as I have for her, I wish to all things holy she'd come and get her child.

*snickers* Ohhh yeah, I'm with you. I've already left my sister a long voicemail on how *much* she owes me for this.

[jillybinks.livejournal.com]

Before I comment, let me say that no children were harmed during this activity and their parents had no problem with it.

We used to play the Houdini game. I would tie the kids up loosely and they would spend hours trying to get out. And then they would beg me to do it again. They loved that game, more than anything else we would play and they would stay out of trouble for hours.

Just a though!

[katherine]

Ooh, and then you could teach them the concept of safewording for if they got hopelessly tangled with the rope bored.

So says a lurker.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*wheezes*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*blinks* Okay, that's new. And they *like* tying things up. Huh. I think I have some bathrobe belts that would work *really* well, too.

Thanks for the thought!

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

And my husband wonders why I am not too broken up about the medical issues that currently make childbearing...problematic. *shudder*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*narrowed eyes* You mock me.

*sticks out tongue*

My sister mentions wanting *more* children. My God, the horror.

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

Tell her she can have more, but they're not staying at your place if she wants a night out.

[queenydiva.livejournal.com]

Some tips from a fourth-grade teacher here:

The following supplies are essential: sidewalk chalk, crayons/markers, coloring books, word searches (age-appropriate), and jump ropes. I like the snowball game--it's amazing how long the kids will play it, especially since they're strictly forbidden from playing it with real snowballs! So if you've got lots of stored newspaper, snowball away!

Rules: UNLESS YOU ARE HURT OR BLEEDING, YOU MAY NOT COME AND TATTLE TO ME. WORK IT OUT YOURSELVES, OR PLAY SOMETHING ELSE. Then, pretend you don't hear them each time they try to break this rule, and eventually, they bother you much less.

Also, some kind of self-serve setup for water and/or juice helps immensely. It could be something as simple as a cooler and small juice boxes that the kids can grab as they wish. Same rules apply as above in regards to, "Mom, he took the last grape one!" etc. Hope this helps. Otherwise, just remember, you're old enough to drink alcohol, and if you put it in a large juice glass, who'll know? ;o)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Rules: UNLESS YOU ARE HURT OR BLEEDING, YOU MAY NOT COME AND TATTLE TO ME. WORK IT OUT YOURSELVES, OR PLAY SOMETHING ELSE. Then, pretend you don't hear them each time they try to break this rule, and eventually, they bother you much less.

I started that rule desperately yesterday. They tell on each other for the *weirdest* things. I mean, the *weirdest*. *shakes head*

Otherwise, just remember, you're old enough to drink alcohol, and if you put it in a large juice glass, who'll know? ;o)

*grins* That is *practical* advice. I like it.

*breathes* Only a few more hours to go and they go off to their parents. Well, except mine, but maybe I can sneak him in for a little while without anyone noticing. *mulls*

[lainy122.livejournal.com]

Lol! You poor thing. I have four siblings living at home, so I can completely get where you're coming from.

Try a scavenger hunt - that usually keeps 'em busy for a while. They can win an icecream cone, or something. Paper mache is always a winner too; although with little kids it can get kind of messy, and you might end up with newspaper glued to your floor.

If all else fails, there's this game you can play called "Cemetary". It involved all little kids playing dead, and the first one to move or make a noise, loses. Promise a prize at the end, and the littlies won't move for hours ;)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*hee* *Cemetary*? Okay, I have to try that, just to see their reactions. *giggling*

[(Anonymous)]

some gigant cardboard boxes work pretty great, inexpensive and you can make pretty much anything with them, build castles or play house... the possibilities are endless.

never try to (outright) bribe them. the little succers.. eh, darlings will remember this and shamelessly use this whenever possible in the future.

d.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

I think we have my old computer boxes in storage. Maybe they can play boat with them for something and leave me in peace for a bit.

*sighs, listening to the screaming child-voices* Everything ends, right? Right?