dark secrets from beyond the pseudonym

My deep curiosity must be assuaged.

What is the most cracked-out and/or worst thing you've written? Like, the thing that even now, x years later, you look back on and kind of want to cry? Or you perhaps changed names since then and pray every night that no one ever discovers your dark secret. What was it, what fandom, what was it about? Give me details.

In return, I'll give you my top three fics that if I could go back and knock myself out before I posted, I'd totally do so. I'll even mock one of them. At length. Because honestly, while it is fun to mock other people? It's so much *easier* to mock yourself.

(the only reason i have ever been tempted to do a podfic of my fic is specifically for this one story that would make me happy to do a dramatic reading of the bit where there is so. much. pain.)

But that is *after* I get an answer.

There will be no judgement. As one who had the horrified realization that since Voyager, my mental mindset on writing is less "how can I write this well" or "how can i write this believably" or even "omg must celebrate otp" but something along the lines of "heh. i wrote about cocks. And serial killing. and *branding*. and...oh. shiny."

(which are totally legitimate reasons. also legitimate reason--ooh, pretty.)