dark secrets from beyond the pseudonym

My deep curiosity must be assuaged.

What is the most cracked-out and/or worst thing you've written? Like, the thing that even now, x years later, you look back on and kind of want to cry? Or you perhaps changed names since then and pray every night that no one ever discovers your dark secret. What was it, what fandom, what was it about? Give me details.

In return, I'll give you my top three fics that if I could go back and knock myself out before I posted, I'd totally do so. I'll even mock one of them. At length. Because honestly, while it is fun to mock other people? It's so much *easier* to mock yourself.

(the only reason i have ever been tempted to do a podfic of my fic is specifically for this one story that would make me happy to do a dramatic reading of the bit where there is so. much. pain.)

But that is *after* I get an answer.

There will be no judgement. As one who had the horrified realization that since Voyager, my mental mindset on writing is less "how can I write this well" or "how can i write this believably" or even "omg must celebrate otp" but something along the lines of "heh. i wrote about cocks. And serial killing. and *branding*. and...oh. shiny."

(which are totally legitimate reasons. also legitimate reason--ooh, pretty.)

Comments

[sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com]

Years and years ago, when I first considered getting a livejournal name to participate in HP fandom, I owned (for approximately the 24 hours it took for me to gain sense enough to delete it) the journal 'animagical.' hahahaha. I suppose the name was in honor of Animagi who turned into frolicking, gamboling, sparkling KITTENS or something.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

[wolfshark]

I wrote songfic in the Sentinel fandom. And it was so bad that the only piece of fb I got was someone telling me to cut my hands off before I touched a keyboard again. (Yes, I now realize that that was a pure flame) I've since changed my pseud and refuse to admit I wrote that piece of dreck.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*dies* Wow. That's--yes, that definitely qualifies as a flame.

[amireal.livejournal.com]

*eyes you*

Will this list magically appear next time we have alcohol?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Of course not. Unless I find yours.

*smiles sunnily*

[lunasky.livejournal.com]

It was the first fic I ever wrote. I only posted 2 chapters (before sanity overtook me), but it was this horrible Voltron fic, with this beautiful Mary Sue that was supposed to be Keith's long-lost sister...Oie the shame...it burns. :D

If you're so inclined to laugh: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1058686/1/Something_Worth_Fighting_For

[seperis.livejournal.com]

WHEE! MARY SUE!

I firmly believe everyone goes through a powerful Mary Sue phase and should admit it.

*gleeful*

*Grits Teeth*

[lynnzo.livejournal.com]

Okay, I guess I have enough distance from it to 'fess up. But I may need therapy after.

I once wrote a HP story where Harry bought Snape a pair of polka-dotted swim trunks.

OMG, it's all my brain can think of now.

It's 11:12am. Not too early to start drinking. Let me say, there'd better be some other comments posted that makes my pain worthwhile!

Re: *Grits Teeth*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*laughs and laughs*

I am imagining Snape in polka-dotted swim trunks. This makes me happy.

[miss-porcupine.livejournal.com]

Everything I've written in SW: TPM fandom (which is why I've pulled it).

I was interested in doing with SW:TPM what I eventually did with SGA -- worldbuilding, exploring the social and political structures. And if people in SGA aren't wild about my marines, the reaction to using an OFC in SW, of their being het sex... it was an epic, multipart story and it would have actually been pretty interesting if I'd finished it, but now I'm so very embarrassed that I posted it because it was probably privately mocked the way I privately mock certain classes of fic now.

And then there were the two (acceptably OTP) porn stories I wrote in that fandom. I'm more embarrassed about the quality than the content, but... on the other hand, leave it to me to write depressing, downbeat, angsty porn where nobody gets off happily.

I also wrote a mary sue in Homicide fandom, but that was my first fandom and I can probably get a bye on that one...

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*bounces* Mary Sue!

Sorry, I'm trying to imagine your Mary Sue. You--just don't seem the type.

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

I have a dear friend - a very dear one.

She has a serious kink for brother-incest - and a serious kink for a sport and for an actor on a television series.

I wrote her a story that satisfied them all - a original character who resembled her favorite actor and his brother, the famous sports player.

She's the only one who has EVER seen it, unless she's shared.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*laughs in delight* I love it.

[rivkat.livejournal.com]

Oh, how can I pick? I know, Deny Nothing (XF) -- the one higher on the list is no longer publicly available.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Ooh.

*makes note* I have not yet read that.

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

When I was a teen I wrote really awful X-Files angst fics.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*sad* Yet you did not provide links for me to mock.

*wide eyes* Under the same name?

[teenygozer.livejournal.com]

My very first fanfic was a Blake's 7 story called "We're The I.L.A. (and We're Proud of It!)" In my defense, it was meant to be a humorous story, not serious. It came about when I saw a full-page ad in a magazine sponsored by the N.R.A. Under the banner "We're the NRA and We're Proud of It" was a cheezy, smiling picture of the younger, blonder Simon brother from the show "Simon & Simon." He had a hunting rifle leaning on his shoulder, and the text of the ad was basically in the first person about how much this (gated-community-livin', rich, white dillhole of an) actor loved his guns. In my story, the rebel leader Blake is asked by the Interstellar Laserrifle Association to appear in an ad that spoofed the Simon brother ad -- Blake is pleased because of the support this is going to get for his revolution. Mayhem ensues when the evil Federation raids the photoshoot on the ILA's planet. In the end, it turns out that the Federation showed up not to find Blake, but to pick up their crates of guns -- the ILA is basically selling guns to both sides and encouraging both sides in their respective war on the other side, because that's good for business.

Years later, I read a squib in a magazine that the Simon brother in the ad had gone over to his next door neighbor's house to complain about the neighbor's dog crapping on his lawn, and the neighbor had shot him in the ass as he ran away. I seem to remember doing Paul Gross arms when I read that. \o/

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Good plot there!

[summertea.livejournal.com]

I once wrote a Mary Sue fic in HP fandom about some girl who was Sirius's sister and the love of Snape's life. I went and deleted it from my harddrive after 1 week, when I woke up. :> I also realized that should probably never write.

I was drew Fuji from Prince of Tennis as a woman and as a concubine. I am deeply ashamed of putting pen(cil) to paper for that awful awful picture.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*bounces happily* Mary Sue and art! Happy!

*curious* Did she have purple eyes?

[cirakaite.livejournal.com]

A super-long Buffy Mary Sue that makes me cringe to think about it (I think she was married to Angel before he was a vampire AND she'd been a Slayer AND she'd been turned into a vampire by Darla, but because she'd once been a Slayer she'd kept her soul, and now she was just cool, and telling Buffy and the gang about her life . . . yeah. I was 14 at the time, and all we had was 1st season canon to go on.) Fortunately, I don't think I ever inflicted it on world at large.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Okay, *that* is impressive. *wide eyes*

[graycastle.livejournal.com]

*raises hand* I once wrote Spike/Xander babyfic. like, fic where they get a baby. and fall in love. IT WAS LIKE 24 000 WORDS. there is not enough shame in the world.

but shhhh, don't tell anyone.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*squeeeee* Love. Deep love.

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

You really want to know? :;g:: It was an acrostic fic with a poem attached in which I spelled 'chaos' with a 'k' to make it work... :;whimpers in anguished horror:;

It was a very, very early fic in the Buffy fandom, but there is no excuse good enough for the utter dreckiness of it.

And yet it's still on my webpage because that's got all my fics and taking it down to hide my shame seems like cheating.

http://www.janedavitt.com/POV.html

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*hee* You totally own your work. Awesome.

*marks for reading*

[suzvoy.livejournal.com]

Umm. Probably Chastity Katie. Voyager. For reasons I won't go into, Harry has Seven's breasts implanted onto his chest.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*blinking slowly*

I...thought I had read all your Voyager fic.

Must. Find. This.

[emrinalexander.livejournal.com]

I wrote a completely horrible mary sue with vampires that I pray will never resurface EVER, EVER EVER, and I don't know what I was thinking when I let it go out but I did and it was 25 years ago and I still think there are hard copies lurking around some place. Ohmygod, I had violet eyes for heaven's sake and was immortal. My whole body is cramping from memory.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

YES! VIOLET EYES!

*happy*

Breathe. Breathe. I'm sure it will never haunt you or anything.

...what fandom?

*wide eyes*

[shiny-starlight.livejournal.com]

I wrote a Malcolm Reed/OC het fic for Enterprise fandom. I re-read it a little while ago. God, she was such a Mary Sue! It hurts how perfect she was *facepalm* In my defene, it was my very very first foray into fandom and fic.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*giggles uncontrollably*

That is beautiful. Tell me more about her.

*riveted*

[zelempa.livejournal.com]

Year before I discovered slash or had even read anybody else's fanfic of anything--I think I was like 15, certainly old enough to know better--I wrote a story that rightly never saw the light of day about Team Rocket.

Yeah, in Pokemon.

It's long gone and I don't remember any of the specifics, but I seem to remember it being incredibly cheesy. Like "Jesse brushed aside a wisp of James's lavender hair. 'You really feel that way?'" cheesy.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

Pokemon! I'm lost now in Jesse tenderly stroking James' hair.

*happy*

[boochicken.livejournal.com]

I once wrote a story in BtVS in which Buffy was magically turned into a toddler. And Spike had to take care of her. The only thing I remember is getting a piece of feedback that very kindly told me that I had mistakenly credited "I Wanna Be Sedated" to the Clash. *is ashamed*

[anashi.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA. Omg, I think I read that.

[thecomfychair.livejournal.com]

I have plenty of bad XF fic sitting around in old Lisa Frank notebooks, but my first ever finished fic was in Space Cases. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115366/) I was 12. I'm not sure I need to say more for the shame to be evident. Essentially, I turned a S2 character into one of those girls from high school, and the S1 character she replaced came back with the hero and showed her up. Then everyone was happy and forgot about the replacement. There were lots of exclamation points.

I didn't finish another fic for like 6+ years, so I'm conviced there's some sort of bad cosmic karma following me from that story.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*heeeeee* Oh *yes*. This fills me with happy.

[justalurkr.livejournal.com]

It was the listserv version of commentfic. There were penguins, my cats, cats belonging to other members of the mailing list, hang-gliders, a misunderstanding about directions in Brazil, and a little red Miata. The penguins did, in fact, fall on their butts watching the cats hang-glide by overhead.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*hysterics*

I think the hang-gliding cats make it, really.

[anashi.livejournal.com]

Shatterstar and Rictor slash on fanfiction.net, which has been deleted. I couldn't even get Rictor's pants off without the two of them talking about it for twelve years. There's courtship and then there's being stuck on a boat without any idea how to make it go...

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*chokes*

I have--yeah. The boat that would not go. I feel your pain.

[flambeau.livejournal.com]

Louis and Lestat got married! And everyone wore really really pretty clothes, and hooked up with everyone else, and there was dancing, and the OFCs... hooked up with each other, actually, but they were bestest friends with some of the vampires, so I don't entirely fail at Mary Sue. (One's a psychic and the other's a witch.) Also there's lacy underwear.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*breathless awe*

...it's like finding out that the gods read Hustler.

I love. Love, love, love.

[tex.livejournal.com]

My first fanfic ever was a steaming pile of Mary Sue set in the L&O:SVU fandom. It was het *shudder* about Elliot's old high school flame, and only true love, returns to New York and is being stalked. This brilliant musician was the daughter of a legendary musician and she played a guitar that had been signed by Paul McCartney! I proudly posted the first three chapters at fanfiction dot net, got glowing reviews and then, I found another SVU website where people were making fun of it. And THAT was when I found out what a Mary Sue was!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Oh *wow*.

I seriously love the Mary Sues. So. Much.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_medley_/]

When I was in junior high, and yeah, yeah, a bit in high school too, I had this red-haired telepathic half-Romulan oh god classic Trek Mary Sue. Amber eyes, I think. I'm not even going to tell you who her father was, because I can't even type it. Fortunately for all of us, this was well before the internet, so nobody ever saw this stuff but me.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

...tell me it was Kirk. Or Spock. OR BOTH.