(no subject)

First off, hey to new friends! Considering the sheer level of boringness I've been able to achieve for the last few weeks, which has been *epic*, I'm guessing this was done on a dare.

But yes. Heys! And you know, feel free to drop a comment and say hi and all that.

*****

Child was sick, so left work early and spent the afternoon napping with him and writing a surprising amount. I'm still not entirely--or in fact, at all--sure that I'm doing this right, but it's fun, which writing hasn't been in a damn long time. It's stupid, and egotistical as shit, but I've started feeling guilty every time I open my LJ and realize I haven't posted a story.



It's like, I feel like I'm doing false advertising, which makes no *sense*, but the feeling is there. Such as, I used to rec a lot and right now, not so much, for a variety of reasons I'm not going to get into because they're boring and the product of my own weirdness. I'm stil technically in Smallville, even though I haven't posted anything decent in a long time, and I feel like the SV people on my list are disappointed, and I'm not posting any of my QaF and feel like the QaF people are all, what the *hell*, and it's--yeah. Insane, I know, like anyone pays *that* much attention, but it's still a general feeling of failure. I get that I'm being strange on a logical level, I really do. On the other hand, I'm seriously waiting for everyone to give up and defriend in masse. Hell, I'd defriend myself at this point, because I'm not doing a damn thing for any fandom right now, and my real life is a mine of strange conflicting excitment and frustration.

It's that feeling of obligation that hits me every so often, when I open up to start a post and think, huh, no recs. Huh, no story. Nothing fannish in sight. What is the point again? *Is* there a point?

Actually, oddly enough, it was a discussion on a list I'm on regarding LJ versus mailing lists, where someone said, and I'm paraphrasing from a *very* long and deleted email, that LJ was frustrating because all the real bits get all mixed up with the fictional bits, and they wanted the fictional bits, which makes total sense to me. I don't friend unless I'm interested in the person themselves as a general rule, but if you're in it for the fannish stuff, it must be frustrating as hell. It's not and never going to be as focused as a mailing list can be, which is part of the attraction for me. People interest me as much as the show sometimes. And yeah, you can get to know someone on AIM, but let's face it, no one types fast enough to get to know everyone. LJ lets you peek in, just a little, and see the person, and I like that. I mean, I wrote my first feedback letter to Piers Antony when I was in my early teens, and he answered back--God, that's still one of my coolest memories--just to get that bit of--connection sounds vaguely stalker-ish, but it's the closest I get to a word that describes it.

I've done my entire essay on mailinglists versus LJ before and it'd be boring to hear it again, but I was reminded forcibly the other day when one of my lists started drooling over the worst story I've ever read. The one that held me in a kind of sick captivity of being unable to *stop*, even though I *knew* this was actually killing brain cells and I'd be laying on my deathbed, screeching out "WHY GOD" while my life trickled away, mourning not just the time taken to read it, but the time spent going to the webpage to find it, the time spent doing a word count because the length blew my mind, and the time I spent talking in awed, shocked tones to others about it.

That rec *scared* me. The people who jumped in to agree scared me more. My *God*.

It wasn't like I couldn't delete the emails, but it reminded me why I drifted away from mailing lists. Not because I don't still love the big group discussions or miss them intensely, but because mailing lists have a bad habit of just shifting in ways I can't follow and don't want to--both in fic taste and fic discussion and show discussion. In LJ as a general rule, I know what I'm getting into when I friend. No weird, "God, she likes the fic I consider the worst in history" is going to pop up as a massive uberrec of Ultimate Fannnish Goodness. This is important, as I had to physically restrain myself from hitting reply and asking "are you all on ACID? What the FUCK?"

Yeah, that hit me *really* wrong. I get difference in taste, but there's difference in taste and then plain and simple shitty writing that just happens to be fannish.

As you can see, I'm kinda scarred by that now.

Er, getting back to the topic, having wandered off at random. Fannish disappointment, or, me being neurotic. Or something like that.

It's--I don't know. I hate to miss work, because I feel like I'm disappointing my coworkers and boss, and because my pens keep disappering at an alarming rate. I hate when people bring up college, because I feel like I disappointed everyone I know who honestly to God believed that I'd finish in record time with a major that paid well, when I could have told them that if there was anyone destined to go about everything in the hardest way possible, it would be me. And I hate not being able to write, even with the stories already in my head that should get out, because I feel like I'm disappointing people who friended me with the expectation I'd be entertaining. And the more I worry about it, the more I block myself up. It's a really vicious inner circle of really bizarre angst.

Heh. Yeeah. I think this could be that pesky mix of real and fiction thing going on. Two more weeks or so, and I start the two month training for my new job. Lots of classroom stuff. I'm just going to get the hell over myself already.



Hmm. I really should go to bed.

Comments

[out-there.livejournal.com]

The one that held me in a kind of sick captivity of being unable to *stop*, even though I *knew* this was actually killing brain cells and I'd be laying on my deathbed, screeching out "WHY GOD" while my life trickled away, mourning not just the time taken to read it, but the time spent going to the webpage to find it, the time spent doing a word count because the length blew my mind, and the time I spent talking in awed, shocked tones to others about it.

Bwahahahaa! Okay, right there? Is the reason I'm highly wary of badfic. The reason I can't actually sit down and read it, and the reason I rely on other's recs. (Apart from in Sports Night, where I've found a remarkable level of quality. Colour me surprised.)

And, yeah, I like the personal mixed with the fannish. Why? I don't have the concentration level for meta discussions all the time. I like getting to know other fen. I like being able to keep in contact even if our fannish tastes have changed. We may not be writing in the same fandom, but I can still read the real-ish entries and cheer along.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

(Apart from in Sports Night, where I've found a remarkable level of quality. Colour me surprised.)

You've read Bone, right? Because--wow. Just loved her stuff there.

And, yeah, I like the personal mixed with the fannish. Why? I don't have the concentration level for meta discussions all the time. I like getting to know other fen. I like being able to keep in contact even if our fannish tastes have changed. We may not be writing in the same fandom, but I can still read the real-ish entries and cheer along.

*grins* It's not just me. That's how i keep up with the people, too. And why I so rarely defriend, because I hate losing someone that I feel like, through LJ, I know.

[out-there.livejournal.com]

You've read Bone, right? Because--wow. Just loved her stuff there.

*snerk*

I got bored a couple days ago and wrote a list of my five favourite SN sex scenes. Of course one of Bone's fics made it there. *g*

discontent

[montdlaw.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't turn up my nose at another "Handfull of Dust" or the finish of "Two Paths", but your life is not overly dull and you write about it with a great deal of charm.

mdl

Re: discontent

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Thank you very much.

God at this point, I wouldn't turn my nose up at another HoD either. I miss writing apocalyptic fic, dammit.

[xoverau.livejournal.com]

The usual question for rambles of that tone is, "Are you sure you're not me?"

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*grins hugely* I'd *love* to borrow your brain sometimes. Just for a few days.

[xoverau.livejournal.com]

Dear God, why?

[mlheathen.livejournal.com]

I like your fic but I also like your real life entries too. Post whatever you want, whenever you want.
The fic is like a special treat we get. Of course we want one everyday, but no one expects to get a story from one writer everyday, or every week, or even every month.
There are other writers out there who can entertain us while you take a break(Not sure that came out right).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I highly doubt you'll have a mass de-friending. We all may have started out here because of the fic, but I'd wager that most people check in everyday because they like you.
Hope child is all better.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

He *seems* okay, but he's tricky like that.

thanks. I don't know why these last few weeks, this insecurity has kicked in like this. Too much change in RL, I guess, and sometimes, it feels like I'm too--far away from fandom, and it's been years since I felt that way about what I love.

[akacat]

I came here for the fic. I stayed because you're interesting. The CLex is fun, but I enjoy hearing about Child just as much.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Child is an endless source of entertainment to me, too. I sometimes wonder what I used to laugh at before him. in a good, life affriming laugh way, I mean. *g*

[charon-mmm.livejournal.com]

First off, hey to new friends!

*realizes her cover is blown* Uhh, hey, hi, hello :D

I'm guessing this was done on a dare.

Nope. This was done because I followed links through from musesfool entry (http://www.livejournal.com/users/musesfool/559877.html?#cutid1) and was chuffed to find your LJ, because I love your WR writing from way back when.

but if you're in it for the fannish stuff, it must be frustrating as hell
But, to reassure you, I didn't add you because I was hoping you'd be updating with fics every second day (Smallville isn't my fandom and I don't even know what QaF stands for) - but because your writing indicates you to be thoughtful, intelligent, eloquent and occasionally evocative. Even if you're discussing fandoms I'm not part of, I still like to read people's thoughts on stuff. So, yeah, the fic brought me in, but because it shows that you're a person with interesting thoughts, and layers... you're an onion, dude. :)

Okay, hope that wasn't too writer-groupie for ya. I have no interest in making you feel obliged to post, I'll just happily read through my flist when you do.

No weird, "God, she likes the fic I consider the worst in history" is going to pop up as a massive uberrec of Ultimate Fannnish Goodness.

Ummmm... *mild look of panic* Could you maybe give me a hint as to which one that would be, so I remember never to mention it again, after rereading it with slavish fanaticism...? 'cause there's one in particular that I may just always love, unfinished as it is *slaps hand over mouth* I've said too much.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*tongue in cheek* Hmm, one of the three W/R writers who blew my mind. Let's see if I remmber you...

Jesus, I *quote* your fic, honey. *hugs* this is me, squeeing. What fandosm are you in? Must check your LJ. Must. Immediately. Though I could *swear* I knew you had an LJ at some point...Hmm.

But, to reassure you, I didn't add you because I was hoping you'd be updating with fics every second day (Smallville isn't my fandom and I don't even know what QaF stands for)

Queer as Folk, US version, on Showtime, currently about to start its fourth season.

No, I don't pimp that show to everyone who moves in my line of sight, why do you ask?

Ummmm... *mild look of panic* Could you maybe give me a hint as to which one that would be, so I remember never to mention it again, after rereading it with slavish fanaticism...?

Don't worry, it's SV. But it does make the worst X-Men fic I've read look competent by comparison. Which is pretty much enough to make me want to breathe into a paper bag every time I think about it.

You're a sweetie, honey. Thanks for posting.

[charon-mmm.livejournal.com]

Jesus, I *quote* your fic, honey
o_O That's sweet. Misguided... but sweet. I can't reread any of my wr stuff any more without cringing, and wondering why my beta wasn't editing the hell out of my waffle. Oh yeah, no beta.

I haven't been in any fandoms for a while now - only the occasional gift-fics for friends. Nothing quite inspired me enough to overcome the general apathy of my life... but I'm coming back into the WR fold after some RL stress -- escapism as therapy.

This is my first LJ - I'm still learning all the new slangs and shortcuts. 'Flist' confused me much longer than it should have... *dazed smile*

Queer as Folk, US version, on Showtime, currently about to start its fourth season.

No, I don't pimp that show to everyone who moves in my line of sight, why do you ask?

uhh, didn't ask - just didn't know what QaF stood for, because you mentioned not posting any... and so obviously I wasn't here for that. ;)

Don't worry, it's SV.
well, that's a relief!

*goes back to cuddling Jus Ad Bellum and adopts a baby-voice* who's a the best widdle WIP, eh, eh? Aren't you a cute little smut-story disguised as philosophical allegory? Yes you are, yes you are!

You're a sweetie, honey. Thanks for posting.
You've stroked my writer's crippling self-doubt: thanks for responding. ;)

[dine.livejournal.com]

I feel like I'm disappointing people who friended me with the expectation I'd be entertaining.

I hope you don't continue to worry much about this - I first came along because someone posted a link/rec for a WIP, and I didn't want to miss anything, but I've stayed because you're an interesting person who writes well about the stuff going on in all facets of life (fannish as well as offline).

in fact, neither SV or QAF are primary fandoms for me, and while I enjoy the fic posted, that's not why I'm here. so, write about Child, muse the meta about mailing lists v LJ, talk about the dangers of losing pens when one misses work (which I completely get, completely!) or just examine the inside of your skull for a few moments. it's all good, and I'll likely still be here when the fic returns.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*grins* I sound sickenly insecure, I know, but thanks for that. *hugs* It's just so--it feels wrong that so little right this second has anything to do with my fandom(s). I know it's just RL stress and change that's killing my concentration span, but--yeah. Hmm.

*hugs agaijn* Thanks.

[alymid.livejournal.com]

speaking as someone who friended because I found you through fic -

I like reading about the lives of the people who are writing what I read, often being in the same or similar fandoms people have some same/different points of view on subjects that are brought to mind because of the fandom, and lead me to interesting thinking places. Also I feel (and this is definitely my conceit) that in some small way I who never write, but read tons, contributes a bit by sticking around for everyday life and reading and possibly commenting there as well as feedbacking on the fic.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

I like reading about the lives of the people who are writing what I read, often being in the same or similar fandoms people have some same/different points of view on subjects that are brought to mind because of the fandom, and lead me to interesting thinking places.

Yes, exactly. Tha's why I *have* a friendslist, you know?

Also I feel (and this is definitely my conceit) that in some small way I who never write, but read tons, contributes a bit by sticking around for everyday life and reading and possibly commenting there as well as feedbacking on the fic.

*hugs* That doesn't sound conceited to me at all. *hugs more* Just fabulous LJing.

[fox1013.livejournal.com]

Dude. You're cool. Fic or not, fandom or not. You realize this, yes?

*snugs you newbily*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*laughs* You are *so* not a newbie. You are like, the Anti-Newbie. YOu are on a career track to Bitter Old Fic Queen. But without the old and bitter, and with the happy. Hmm.

But there you go.

*hugs hugely*

[lattara.livejournal.com]

Just, you know, randomly?

I friended you because I think you're a pretty cool person, and not because I want you to write (not that I'm *oppposed* to it or anything, it's just not why I'm *here*).

So, no guilting over me. Please?

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks. And heh. I'm *cool*.

I'm *so* printing this and taking it to my high school reunion. It's like *proof*.

[justblue0162.livejournal.com]

It's like, I feel like I'm doing false advertising, which makes no *sense*, but the feeling is there. ... even though I haven't posted anything decent in a long time, and I feel like the SV people on my list are disappointed

I know *exactly* how you feel. Considering I owe a large portion of my flist to one of your recs, I get all itchy when I realize most of these people probably don't care about my autographed Firefly DVDs, and are wondering when the hell I'm going to finish another clex (something I've been wondering myself. Muses? Hellooo?).

That said, I find your posts fascinating, whether they're fannish or not. It was the fic that got me here, but like you said, LJ offers the chance to peek behind the curtain and get to know someone whose work you enjoy and admire. Your writing is entertaining, no matter what the subject. *hugs*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

The Muses are all in Panama, drinking margaritas and avoiding malaria. At least, that's my theory.

LJ offers the chance to peek behind the curtain and get to know someone whose work you enjoy and admire.

*grins* I enjoy that a *lot*. It makes the stories more interesting, sometimes.

[jaymalea]

You are so neurotic. You really are, but it suits you. I thought I'd share that, in case you didn't know.

I started reading your diaryland journal over 2 years ago, and then watched as you moved over to livejournal. Never once, in all that time did I think to stop reading because you weren't posting a certain something. What you write, and what you post is a gift. The words are a gift from you, and I remain in awe of your talent. (That's not to say in AIM I won't bug you about entertaining me. That's completely different.)

Whether you are writing fanfiction, original fiction, essays on the state of the world, your world or fandom, it's all good. It doesn't matter if the flavor is humor or end-of-the world, porn or domestic!fic, snark or schmoop.

You are absolutely one of the most interesting writers I've ever read. Your stories are wonderful; full of plot, sexy sex, intrigue, or emotion. The images you create are powerful and stay with me a long time. They seem to satisfy most senses.

I still remember the family story you wrote about the girl and the gingham dress. Dancing in the kitchen with the table pushed back. Crescent moon scars in the palm of her hand. Not giving up. The words evoke a slower time, where our fears are the same, yet different.

Story of a Girl by jenn.

[seperis.livejournal.com]

My God, you *remember* that story?

*shocky* I barely remember writing it. It just sits there, kind of broken and weird. Huh.

*hugs to bits*

End of the world domestic would be nice. You know, buying curtains for the bombed out apartment o'love and all.

*grins*

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

See, me? I needed this post, right here, that you just wrote, because I'm in a very similar place, and it's good to know it's not just me. Fic is all well and good, and meta is wonderful, but sometimes the best thing is to hear you talk about the strangeness of your workplace, because I live that. Or to hear about another fan's struggles with health, because I live that too. Or to hear that I'm not the only one caught in the vicious cycle of feeling like I owe those who friended me something fannish and coherent, and thus allowing performance anxiety to block up anything even remotely fannish or coherent in my brain, which of course leads to feeling even more like I'm letting people down. Even though, realistically, I doubt anyone is waiting for me to post anything at all, what with other people being fannish and entertaining and witty.

So, anyway, my point is that I'm interested in you, and you never know when what you consider to be the most throwaway post will, in fact, be exactly what someone is looking for. Like now. *hugs*

[wrenlet.livejournal.com]

*points up* What Rana said. I look at my f-of-list and I'm like... shoo! Shoo! I am boring and sick and why are you still here??

But see, you rock. So :)

[seperis.livejournal.com]

*giggles* *pets* I hope you feel better, honey.

*grins* You *say* shoo? I want to do that!

[seperis.livejournal.com]

The Duchess of Cheese--I'm sorry, I've never seen that before. That is *so* cool. *grins*

I am in total agreement with your entire post, btw.

allowing performance anxiety to block up anything even remotely fannish or coherent in my brain, which of course leads to feeling even more like I'm letting people down.

Maybe we should get a self-help group together. We can all talk about our terror of letting our ljfriends down and chant mantras.

And I hope thsi sounds right, but it *does* make it easier to think that other people feel as vaguely freaked as I do. Because yeah, nothing just kills my ability to be coherent as performance anxiety.

*sends lots of hugs*

[ranalore.livejournal.com]

*snicker* It used to be "the evil that lurks." I've been meaning to change it to La Duquesa for a while, and was reminded while watching "Horatio Hornblower." Which is not as good a story as it sounds like it should be.

I've been seeing a lot of stressed out/anxious/depressed posts on my flist lately. I'm wondering if it's that so many fans suffer some form of depression, and this is a time of year when depression really kicks up for a lot of people. It also seems a lot of us are either between projects or between fandoms, so that kind of lull has coincided with the depressive wave.

Or maybe it's just that when you're kinda blue, the whole world seems a bit bleaker. :-/

*returns hugs with interest*

[rhiannonhero.livejournal.com]

LJ was frustrating because all the real bits get all mixed up with the fictional bits, and they wanted the fictional bits, which makes total sense to me.

I was thinking about this a lot recently and the solution that I came to was to open a second journal where I will only post fannish stuff, i.e. vids, stories, etc. That way people who only added me to their FL so they could read fic or see vids or talk fannish stuff could defriend my original LJ at will and get what they came for in the other LJ. I was actually kind of forced into this when I hit my friends limit a few days back (wacky! I am not that interesting or talented, man!) but I'm wishing I'd done it earlier, honestly.

Just a possible solution? I'm not sure if it would work for you or not, but I thought I'd toss that out there. Rest assured, though, there are plenty of people on your list who are interested in your day-to-day activities, too. :D

[seperis.livejournal.com]

Okay, LJ hates me and my posting. Trying again.

I've been wondering if that would be an idea to consider, if for no other reason than all the problems I run into trying to find snippets or fics I wrote and having to backtrack, since I never remember to use memory. On the other hand--another username, password, and remembering to log in and out. *g* I mean, there's a reason I've never changed pseudonyms. I'd forget in about a day who I was supposed to be.

It's a *really* good idea, though. Hmmm....

Thanks for dropping by.

[svmadelyn.livejournal.com]

I think it's perfectly understandable that you feel out of sorts not doing a few of the things you're accustomed to normally doing--reccing, posting fic--you get in a groove for a while and then you fall out of it and you sort of look around and ask wtf is going on? But what's not going to help you is worrying overmuch about what *other* people are doing. People friended you for whatever reason they saw fit--they liked you, they liked your fic, they liked the pretty boys on your journal layout. And they'll unfriend you for whatever reason too--you don't post a story, they've changed fandoms, or you used the word 'purple' in a post and they really didn't like that at all.

It's easy to say, but what other people are doing shouldn't necessarily be a concern here. It's *your* journal, post what comes to *you*, and if people have issues with it? Their problem, so let them deal with it however they need to. I think once you let go of this--obligation-type sense you seem to have going here, just try and let it slide off your back, you'll be a lot happier and hopefully you'll find your groove all over again.

...did that even make a modicum of sense? It all sounds really pretty in my head; I swear. Either way, *pouncehugs*

*wanders off, as I apparently need a good chocolate rush now*

[seperis.livejournal.com]

You make *amazing* sense. *nods* Just amazing. *grins* And I love how you think, chica.

You need icons showing your wisdom. Lots of them.

[picara.livejournal.com]

"First off, hey to new friends!"

::waves:: Hiya. I friended you for the fic, but I read everything you post, because I love hearing about Child and your job, and well, anything you choose to say really. I like the glimpse into the real person. That's not stalkery is it?

I hate to say it, because I love everything you write, but this bit of down time you've had is giving me a chance to catch up on all your stories I *haven't* read. Next week is spring break, and I've made myself a reading list. It includes A Handful of Dust, Three Impossible Things, and The Wasteland (as well as Te's Past Grief).

And seriously, it doesn't have to be fannish to be interesting. That's what's great about a good writer. You could probably make an entry about what you found under your couch cushions amusing.