work warfare in the modern era

So at work, they upgraded eight of the phones we use for app testing, and I am the proud not-owner-but-keeper of:

Upgraded
Three (3) iPhone 11
Two (2) iPhone 11 Pro
Two (2) Samsung Galaxy S10+
One (1) Samsung Galaxy Note 10

Not Upgraded For Regression Testing
One (1) Samsung Galaxy S8
One (1) iPhone 7

How Did This Go Wrong, Though?

I'm glad you asked.

When we order phones for testing, they are in a different group from work phones aka phones used as phones for work.

The initial and first upgrade, they came to us, I charged them, transferred the SIM cards from the old phones to the new, upgraded the OS, installed the App Center where test builds of the mobile apps we test are uploaded and we download for testing, etc. Easy.

This time, the Samsung phones performed as always. The iPhones...did so very not.

The iPhones were locked down like a Crusader's wife in a chastity belt. The second I turned them on to do the welcome and they connected with the internet, they downloaded the Work Profile and you can literally do nothing with the iPhones but make calls; you can't even change the wallpaper. It wasn't just locked down in general; everything I need to do, including download the Apple Store to get anyconnect so we can test over VPN and install the test profile--nope.

Me: Fuck my life.

Here's where it gets complicated: I don't know how we get these phones.

The state buys them, sure, I know what department does ordering, and there's a name on the box of who made the order, but that just tells me who was in charge of ordering shit that day in IT not who actually gave or approved the order. This is like the work version of fairies dropping off shit in the night; I still don't know entirely how I got all those USB cords I wrote about in an earlier entry, I just sent off the list with prices picked from Official Major Retailer Wholesale Book and sent the email out to my manager. I know who I got the book from, and I know it was sent to IT (another IT group), but after that, it may be witchcraft or something.

(My manager also doesn't know, because they don't tell him. He just sends it to IT and witchcraft, as I said.)

The Journey Begins Here

Manager, Part I

Me: *explains*
Manager: ...
Manager: Let's start with help desk.
Me: This is going to take a while, I think.

The IT Help Desk: The Ticket

I say this with respect; they aren't qualified to deal with this because this does not fall under their area, they have nothing to do with phones. This is literally nothing to do with them; this part of IT deals with passwords and permissions and resets and software installs. But that's where I had to start because witchcraft.

First, I explained what I wanted; then I explained my job; then I explained how my job (testing mobile apps) related to the iPhones. I don't blame them--a surprising number of people don't realize software does not fall from the sky like manna, much less there's a testing process and help desk simply does not deal with any of this--but it took a while. They made a ticket and said wait. They were great.

Me: This isn't going to work.

Ticket Answered: The IT Guy

The IT Guy has been helping me with a variety of things I want to do with a work laptop that is inexpertly locked down after far too many times, I unknowingly hacked it and had to stop and belatedly find out if I was breaking state law or work rules. I won't apologize for wanting certain things in a certain way in my workspace. Seriously, that was stressing.

(IT Guy is Awesome.)

Now, IT Guy does know my job, but again, help desk does not do this; their job is going in and fix people doing weird shit or installing software if we get special permission or reset our password when we enter it three times in capslock--that kind of thing. After a lot of chatting, he sent it to Mobile IT.

Me: ...oh God no

Mobile IT: The Reckoning

Mobile IT Guy was also awesome, but now we run into a problem. He does know phones for work use; he knows about mobile apps the state creates that clients use; he does not know about the testing process of those apps that clients use or that there existed a category of mobile phones that are for testing.

So I had to explain my job--twice--then how no, these aren't phones that clients can borrow in offices to use the app, and no, this ins't my work phone, it's a test phone. He was baffled; I didn't blame him.

He did however realize this bullshit.

Him: [Analyst] might help.
Me: Thank you!
Me: *after hanging up* I am never getting these phones unlocked.

Manager Part II

I called him to shorten the horror.

Me: They said to call [Analyst]. Can you email her and find out if she's our person?
Him: Sure.
Him: *emails the IT ticket to her asking for help*
Me: Thanks!
Me: *after seeing email* He forgot to tell her who we are, what we do, and what we want.
Me: I hate fucking everything.

The Analyst

She emails promptly, properly baffled, and I broke down my job, what the phones were for, why we can't use them like this, and asked if she was the right person or if she knew who we should contact. I did not cry.

Her: [Name] might help. I'll forward your email.
Me: This is Hell and...wait, I recognize that name.

The Name I Recognize

Him: Oh, they just need to be removed from Mobile IT's list. Send me the serial numbers and I'll do it.
Me: You're fucking with me.

Aftermath

Now, they're still working on it, but. It took me a few seconds to realize why I knew his name. When we first got testing phones for mobile--that's almost five years ago--his name was on the Galaxy 5 boxes. I had to look at it every day for two-ish years before our first upgrade and apparently, it stuck. None since--they have some random name of someone that I'm not sure even works for the state--but that first shipment, it was him.

I went to look at his profile in outlook. I still have no idea how his department, area, and unit have anything to do with this--his job title is not helpful--or how my testing phones got into Mobile IT or what kind of hellscape this is; all I learned is his name and that he can Do Shit With Mobile Testing Phones. And this poor man now has been labeled in my Contact List as just that.

Sure, my iPhones are still useless, but I did beat bureaucracy, so there's that.

But I still have no idea how we're getting these phones.

Comments

[jjhunter]

WITCHCRAFT. *jazz hands*

This amazing saga did get part of my hindbrain stuck on a diverting sidethought of what spelling testing for general coven release might look like. S&D for R&D? A small zoo of familiars for cross-species compatibility testing? Translation error troubleshooting?

Beating bureaucracy is definitely an achievement! I hope you also get client-level functioning iPhones for testing eventually too.

[seperis]

Dammit, now you have me thinking about it, too. That would be such a cool premise.

[niqaeli]

Maybe it is actual fairies! That would be cool.

Also, wow, I am impressed with how efficiently you did beat bureaucracy, I was expecting this post to be much longer.

[seperis]

Maybe it is actual fairies! That would be cool.

It's legit my best working theory; no one seems to know where these come from or how.

Also, wow, I am impressed with how efficiently you did beat bureaucracy, I was expecting this post to be much longer.

I was expecting more steps, but I was also expecting this would create a trail on How We Get Phones and...nope. It was a chain of random.

[azurelunatic]

Knowing Which Guy: super important in places with a tangled AF structure.

[seperis]

I've been that person in a different area--specifically, something that really isn't our thing, but every so often, we're handed a completely out of nowhere project for another agency to test. So I have random knowledge and permissions. It's surreal.

Congrats!

[brainwane]

I went to look at his profile in outlook. I still have no idea how his department, area, and unit have anything to do with this--his job title is not helpful--or how my testing phones got into Mobile IT or what kind of hellscape this is; all I learned is his name and that he can Do Shit With Mobile Testing Phones. And this poor man now has been labeled in my Contact List as just that.

I LOVE IT.

Re: Congrats!

[seperis]

If you could have seen my expression when I got to Final Guy; it was like navigating by clouds. No idea where I started or how I got here, or where I am, but here we are.

Re: Congrats!

[jesse_the_k]

navigating by clouds is the phrase I've been needing all my life.

That's an epic journey, all right.

I'm boggled by the folks who don't know that testers exist.

Re: Congrats!

[seperis]

I think I read it in a fanfic, believe it or not--possibly Smallville?--and was like "Yessss, this is timeless wisdom right here". It's perfect; I want to embroider it and set it over every fireplace on earth.

I'm boggled by the folks who don't know that testers exist.

Part of that is that the only kind the public sees is alpha or beta testing aka Making Users Work For Free And Believe You're Doing Them a Favor; everything else they assume falls under the concept of Debug and assuming developers test their own product.

Me: Noooooooo oh God no

Basically, blame corporate gaming culture; the few that do pay for user acceptance testing rarely get pros because we're not cheap and know what we're doing and the people they do hire they don't train and aren't paid nearly enough to care more than required for a paycheck. I don't blame testing when a program or game dramatically and publicly fails; I blame the company for being crap.

I love developers; I am a developer. But. You cannot be a developer and tester of the same program and the more people on the development side, the more true this is. Debug and unit testing, always; if you do system integration testing where dev and testing test together, yes; user acceptance testing, NEVER. It's like being your own editor and even worse, very few developers are good at conceptualizing actual real life user experience. It is always about them, and that's not an insult; it's a built-in.

I mean, the scripts I write for my unit--and they're fairly basic javascript apps or vba enabled spreadsheets or a bit of Perl work or Android IDE scripts to help us test--I send to a couple of my colleagues to test before I send them out to my unit. When I code, no matter what I think I'm doing or how much I try and despite all of my training and being a professional QA Analyst, I'm always still coding for Me the User and maybe Close Colleague Friend The User Because I Know Her Quirks.

Note of Smug: nothing that UAT has tested at work has ever failed in production. Not once. Every failure has been database update level--which doesn't go through us unless it happens to intersect with our testing and isn't really testable for us otherwise--or something added by dev after UAT finished testing (not their fault, it's usually handed down suddenly by exec or the legislature). Even if we miss it in initial UAT testing, we catch it at Release Readiness, which is basically Regression + New Stuff right before a release.

...so that took off, sorry!

Re: Congrats!

[jesse_the_k]

Thanks!

In an earlier life I was in charge of alpha/beta testing at a tiny software startup, so I do appreciate all those little details.

Your Note of Smug deserves a symphony!

[princessofgeeks]

This is like something in a dystopian novel.

But I'm weirdly encouraged because it's bureaucracies like yours that will mean we still have civilization after the zombies destroy most of the the country.

[seperis]

What you cannot navigate you cannot destroy. Bureaucracy: Warfare Mode.

[princessofgeeks]

Exactly!!!

[dorothy1901]

I feel for you in your battle to get the damn things to do what they are supposed to do. Also, I greatly admire you for having the fortitude for all that.

[myurbandream]

This post was A JOURNEY and I'm still giggling about it. Bless you, I hope it all got resolved!!