it's saturday and no, I have no intention of doing anything remotely productive

When I first found Ask a Manager, I sent it to my manager and Sysadmin V because they're--well, managers. Their response: "So it's Dear Abby for work?"

Which is true, sure, but that's not why I read it. Most of my working life has been in public service, like my mother and grandfather before me, so some parts, like salary negotiation, are utterly alien to me, as it really doesn't happen outside very specific and very rule-oriented circumstances and usually that means executives (aka the governor's appointees of course). Salary, for the most part, is intensely transparent for us--as in, not only do we have strict payscales, all state employees and their salaries are published yearly in the newspaper because public and reasons. So there's a lot of 'so that's how that works in the private world' going on.

But mostly, I read it for the same reason everyone reads advice columns: the drama. If you haven't ever read AMA, a sampling. You're welcome.

In no particular order (links to updates when applicable):

Original Post: The One With the Car Accident and Birdphobia
- Update 1
- Update 2

Original Post: The One With the Guy Who Ghosted His Live In Girlfriend and Now She's His Boss
- Update

Note: satisfying.

Original Post: The One With the Poorly-Conceived Prank and Consequences
- Update

Original Post: The One With the Poorly Conceived Surprise Foot Tickling and Consequences
- Update


This one weirded me out on various levels, mostly on how many people--including Alison--thought that holding someone down and tickling their feet at the office is simply a lapse in judgement and totally not a firing offense, which...what? I don't know what to do with that but I do know 'lapse in judgement' is not a valid description.

It also left me conflicted: yes, it's bad to bully someone and everything but a.) why the hell was the tickler not the fuck fired? and b.) if someone had held me down and tickled my foot, they'd have cracked ribs or a cracked collarbone at minimum. It wouldn't be on purpose, but...tickling causes reflexive kicking, surprise!restraint will trigger my claustrophobia and knock me straight into panic, which means my only thought is 'get away' and the corresponding adrenal dump will assure I do it at full strength.

Yes, I did think about this worriedly. It's one thing to say "I'd totally kick them if they tried that shit with me" and then realize "...oh God, I really would kick them, and likely hurt them, maybe a lot, if they tried that on me, fuck my life." I can plan for shit like elevators, small spaces, being restrained, being tickled (avoid all those things) but I have yet to find a working plan on how to avoid hurting someone should they surprise!tickle me under a desk because well, until this entry, I had no idea it could happen so the more you know.

Thanks, AMA.


Original Post: The One With the Manager Who Thinks Beer Runs During Work Are Super Millennial and That's the Least Questionable Behavior As It Turns Out
- Comments: It Gets Worse
- Update 1
- Update 2

Original Post: The One With the Duck Club Except There Are No Ducks and I Pity the Copier
- Update

Original Post: The One With Master Pete and a Poorly Conceived Comparison to Gay Rights (No, Really)
- Update

It must be said, all of these have epic comment sections. And yes, this is an easy way for me to finally bookmark these. Feel free to tell me your faves!

Comments

[raine]

Oh, yeah, the ghosted girlfriend was epic. I've been reading Ask a Manager for a few years now and the 'ohmiGod, this boss is horrible' stories just make my jaw drop.

[ivyfic]

I read AMA every day. I work for one of the big 4 accounting firms, and my job sucks sometimes. So it's good to remind myself of how much more it sucks to work for small family companies with no decent HR.

[green_grrl]

The two that sucked me in were:

The job interview with 20 other people where the candidates had to impromptu work together to throw the interviewers a dinner party.
ETA link: https://www.askamanager.org/2014/01/i-had-to-prepare-a-meal-and-entertain-20-people-for-a-job-interview-and-so-did-39-other-candidates.html (look below for update link)

The person who stole someone else's food out of the fridge, and then complained to management that they felt attacked because the food was too spicy, and HR supported the food thief!
ETA link: https://www.askamanager.org/2016/07/a-coworker-stole-my-spicy-food-got-sick-and-is-blaming-me.html (update linked at end)

I love that just this week Alison posted her favorites from the pettiness thread. Some GEMS! Honestly, I love the fake committee for submitting changes.

[nestra]

Yeah, the spicy food one is the one I always think of. Like, it's such an obnoxious yet common work thing, to steal someone else's food, but it just escalates crazy from there.

[green_grrl]

I don't get food theft at all—that is crazy to me in general. But that HR backed up the thief and fired the employee was incomprehensible! At least there was a reason in the follow up, but what a headf*ck. That poor employee; having a place like AAM to turn to was at least an emotional support.

[seperis]

Oh my GOD THE SPICY FOOD. THAT ONE JUST ESCALATED LIKE WAIT WHAT.

[wychwood]

Yes! The food thief one is my all-time, uh, "favourite"

[green_grrl]

It's classic wtf!

[silverflight8]

That one was insanity.

[silverflight8]

The drama is good but the comment section has gotten so bad that I don't even read anymore. I've been following since about 2015 and I've given up reading. They are bonkers.

[seperis]

I have to nope out every so often when mental illness comes up. There are a few commenters--I honestly don't think they are denialists and I'm a hundred percent sure they're sympathetic IRL to those with mental illness. But they have a really hard time grasping the concept that you can't say, pause a panic attack and move to a more convenient place/time, or stop short during a phobic panic attack to carefully think through your actions and select the most appropriate for those around you.

I do get part of it is due to efforts to debunk the idea that mentally ill people are broken/dangerous/doomed/unable to function--hell and yes that's bullshit--but interpreting that is if you just therapy enough/take the right drugs/do the right steps you'll be normal, therefore when you aren't normal you're doing something wrong or not trying hard enough to do it right...yeah.

Honesty, that's part of the reason that Joker trailer appealed to me, that line: the worst part about having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don't. The amount of acceptance someone gets for a mental illness is in direct proportion to how little those symptoms inconvenience or disconcert others while still performing them regularly and visibly to demonstrate how much it inconveniences and upsets you.

Miss on one of those, and you're either not taking responsibility for yourself (therapy, drugs) or lying about having it at all.

[silverflight8]

It's kind of that but also the incredible overprojecting, like any kind of normal irritation that someone might have with a coworker (who they have to spend a third of their day next to, friction is kinda part of the package) someone has to interject how it could be this $awfulthing that they themselves personally experience that has affected them greatly, and how dare you think that it's irritating, and such and such. And it's not just one person it's a lot jumping on. I like Alison because she's generally very levelheaded and is frank and will say "yeah sorry, that's just normal - you'll probably have to put up with it" or "that is not ok! you really need to get out!" or "decide if you want to put up with it, it varies". But the commenting section seems to just skew.

[harpers_child]

Thank you for today's amusement. Some of those were. Wow. I skipped the one about foot tickling because nope.

The second update for the beer manager redirects here.

[elf]

Ask a Manager at Metafilter, including some links in the comments, including the baffling

when I didn’t answer a call, my boss worried I’d attempted suicide and he called my mom (Note: the call was on a day off.):

I was asleep when he tried to call, and I woke up later in the morning to no fewer than 60 phone calls and messages from different people (I wish this was an exaggeration). It was a mix of people from work, my partner, and my mother calling me.

and the extreme wtfery of

my coworkers complained that the look of my breasts post-mastectomy is making them uncomfortable.

In the Oversharing At Work Dep't, we have my coworker wants us to call her boyfriend her “master” with update.

[hunningham]

I stopped reading Ask a Manager. Too much stressy drama, not enough cope. l was just reminded of bad workplaces - I thought they were normal at the time, not great looking back.

But this one.. So I bit a coworker yesterday. Obviously, I’m mortified.

Yes, one would be mortified. And, in a normal workplace, one would also be a teensy bit worried about one's job security.

But it is not a normal workplace. Here is an update six months after the original bite and scuffle. Letter-writer is still working in the same company with the same people. Nothing much has changed. SNAFU.

This is the bit I found interesting:

.. no one in the office cared that I bit the office manager. I spoke to one person in the office that I find professional and whose opinion I respect. He was confused that I was upset, felt that biting someone wasn’t that crazy for our office, and in the end he didn’t think it was a big deal.

And, in the context of my own work experience, yes, that is utterly believable.
I remember someone punching our sysadmin. She (puncher) sent sysadmin email saying "please come to meeting to discuss thing" and then, when sysadmin (punchee) arrived in conference room she was standing on a chair all ready and punched him in the face as hard as she could. Visible facial bruising. Noticably better behaviour for about 10 days. No repercussions.

[azurelunatic]

I have so many questions.

[katkun]

Oops, sorry, that wasn’t supposed to be anon....

[koramberlynne]

There is also the classic an employee is putting magic curses on her coworkers.

[kiratael]

I hear you on the public service thing - I've only ever worked for public organizations (a local school board in Japan and a health department here in the States) and every time (okay, both times) I go poking my nose out for the mythical "better-paying private sector job" my dad thinks is out there I'm utterly flummoxed by the fact that the salary range isn't in the job posting. The local university even formats their job postings exactly the same way as the state and local agencies, there's just a blank spot between "Days of Work" and "Travel Required."

[silverflight8]

All that said though, the boss who demanded his workers give up a kidney for his brother was probably the most wtf for me. I mean, WTF.