why my life sucks, short version

So last Tuesday, I discovered, in a horrifically painful way, that I can no longer tolerate coffee.

Stop and look at that. I cannot. Tolerate. Coffee. Even like, one drink. Because that begins a wonderful ride known as four long hours of excruciating pain in which I curl up in a little tiny ball and cry for my mother.

You would think Tuesday night would have done it for me, but no, it wasn't until Wednesday, the day I carefully and slowly ate oatmeal and crackers and then had one quarter of a cup of coffee that we identified the culprit, which was yes, another four hour miracle of why can't this horror end already.

Doctor: Well, don't drink coffee.
Me: *blank*
Doctor: Seriously. No coffee.
Me: I have no idea what those words in that order mean.

Other foods that are showing signs of being intolerable, though not yet at the human sacrifice of self level: anything I like to eat. Also, sausage, anything with tomato products, Pepsi original (shoot me now), potentially tea, possibly broccoli (God, wtf), pork (you have got to be fucking with me), and a random variety of other foods that give a vague warning of "Really, seriously?" which I am identifying by dint of first eating warily and then trying not to cry. I'm still okay with dairy products (caveat: this may go on the other list soon), pasta salad, beef, chicken, salad, bread, nuts, blueberry muffins, and all kinds of frozen burritos (still checking this one). This list is the things I have eaten since Tuesday. I don't actually like anything but peanuts, which ironically, I haven't tested in themselves. Because life hates me.

Do you know what my major beverage is right now? Milk. Milk. I have no idea how to deal with this rationally.

The plan is to wait a month, and tentatively reintroduce coffee--yes, that first--in tiny well-milked amounts and see if that does it, after being medicated. It could be the type of coffee, granted, but we're talking my two favorites, Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts, and I'm thinking maybe try one of the organics and see if it's the processing? There's an amazing sumatran organic at Central Market, but I'm kind of terrified atm, so.

In more cheering news, Child just started Final Fantasy XIII, and I bought a new game, some books, and indulged myself with Victoria's Secret. I mean, crying is apparently not an option all the time. However, blank rage makes one's Dance Dance Revolution 3 a lot better and I jumped to expert for Hungry Like the Wolf, so go figure.