meta: the jingle bells war by child

Child sent me his Christmas essay, which was a twenty minute writing exercise at school. Sitting down beside me, he tenderly dragged my hand to my touchpad and kindly forced me to click on the link in gmail, at which time, he stared at me until I read it.

To say I was surprised at his subject matter would be an understatement. His cackling should have been a warning.



This could be considered a dramatic rendition of the horror and misery of Child's holidays to date. All spelling and grammatical errors pasted faithfully.

Jingle Bells War
by Child, age 15

Christmas is the time of year when everyone in the world goes completely bat nuts crazy, doing horrible things with no rhyme or reason at all except to impress or get revenge on the people for last year. Everyone changes during Christmas everyone.

I have quite a few theories on why everybody changes during this special holiday time, which I will explain through this paper too you.

My first theory is that Christmas isn’t even about love, hope, or giving just about impressing people too make you feel better about your own self esteem. Those ideas are just to blind children about the real reason to keep all the children away from the light.

It’s all about material and money. Its about what you get that one time of year that matters.

Let me tell you about the eve of Christmas day. I wake up in the morning get bombarded with stuff to do that I should not have to waste my time on. I clean, cook, Watch the little ones to where I’m wiped out and my nerves are on edge because I also get yelled at for our house not being good enough. All I can think of is how ironic it is that on the eve of the day of peace I get screamed at and basically mentally scarred.

I may be wrong but Charlie Brown told me that Christmas is the day of peace love hope and joy not terror. Thanks for lying to me Charlie my dear bald boy.

Is Christmas about showing up your own family? Or is it about love? Well to tell you I think it’s about showing up the rest of your family just for the one up on them.

All year my family is “normal” and at least descent too me but right when Christmas comes and I compliment their appearance they change and give me icy glares so cold I feel my fingers go numb. Look again it’s the attack of the irony monster you better watch out.

Then comes the attack of the evil jealousy monster that everyone loves so very much. People do crazy things when they’re jealous let me tell you my “slightly” exaggerated story.

It is like a war scene. Cookies are being thrown by the monster adults exploding on contact into crumbs. I was silencing my underage comrades who have never been in a battle of this magnitude before. In my final speech to the kids I say “ This day… No this war has changed all of us now we are either soldiers or those of us who switched into monsters. We will stand strong in are final moments.” At that very second I realized I forgot which I was.

I was normal until that Christmas now it has changed me and them forever. Now the world in my eyes has changed and changed me as well. No one stays the same during Christmas.

Parental Notes:
1.) Child does not cook unless you count reheating things in the microwave and scrambled eggs.
2.) Child does watch his younger cousins.
3.) A compliment is not "Hey Gigantor" when your mother wears heels. Just saying.
4.) Conversation directly after, reproduced almost verbatim and well, very Child.

Me: ...really.
Child: Maybe a little exaggeration. (too heartily)
Me: ....
Child: Think I'll get an A?
Me: You're saying we torture you on Christmas.
Child: An A, right?
Me: You misspelled decent. Are you starting a revolution?
Child: ...not today.
Me: I like the bit about cookies.
Child: *beams*
Me: Kind of scared of you.
Child: *pats me* You'll be fine.
Me: Thanks.

Child is apparently not aware I kept the receipts on the video capture device for his X-Box and Playstation. Though he did say I'll be fine, which I prefer to believe means I won't be against the wall when the revolution comes.

Comments

[dreamatdrew]

Why do I get the feeling he's planning on keeping you as a pet?

[seperis]

Dude, I'm going to be in a vat of pink fluid being cloned. I mean, I'm pretty much resigned to the fluid, but gotta say, the color pink is giving me problems.

[scy]

This is all a cry for me to move out there and rescue you, isn't it?

*eyes you*