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Thursday, April 1st, 2010 09:19 am
history suggests i need to reconsider my life plan
I've come to the conclusion that those "power of positive thinking" people might be onto something. As Positive Thinking Person walked by my cubicle (and smiled.) I thought about her transferred to somewhere without access to indoor plumbing and abruptly felt a lot better.
Dear those who follow the woo-woo (or maybe just the one in my office):
It's not that I don't think there's like, some kind of grain of usefulness in your approach or anything, nor do I grudge you your carefully constructed personal happiness, but seriously. Over ten thousand years of recorded human existence and you really think we could have stopped all of our wars, our famines, our weird obsession with other people's sex lives, our uncomfortable fascination with weapons, mental illness, clinical depression, plagues, cancer, STDs, bad hair days, toenail fungus, and why Windows still has a blue screen of death with cleansing breaths and deep positive thoughts?
Sure, I'll go with you are just that much more evolved. Does that mean I can stop saying you're human?
...oh, that's what you mean by positive thinking! Thanks! If you step foot in my cubicle with anything resembling life-advice, you'll answer to the letter opener and this truly hideous coffee I am forced to drink.
one cup of coffee from a revelation about the nature of man and negativity,
Seperis
PS: Today in Lowered Expectations I am setting us all a goal we can easily, easily accomplish. This will set the stage for the day that false confidence will lead us to fail, but that day is not today.
Your task: avoid telling anyone they smell like cheese.
Good luck! *fistbump*
Dear those who follow the woo-woo (or maybe just the one in my office):
It's not that I don't think there's like, some kind of grain of usefulness in your approach or anything, nor do I grudge you your carefully constructed personal happiness, but seriously. Over ten thousand years of recorded human existence and you really think we could have stopped all of our wars, our famines, our weird obsession with other people's sex lives, our uncomfortable fascination with weapons, mental illness, clinical depression, plagues, cancer, STDs, bad hair days, toenail fungus, and why Windows still has a blue screen of death with cleansing breaths and deep positive thoughts?
Sure, I'll go with you are just that much more evolved. Does that mean I can stop saying you're human?
...oh, that's what you mean by positive thinking! Thanks! If you step foot in my cubicle with anything resembling life-advice, you'll answer to the letter opener and this truly hideous coffee I am forced to drink.
one cup of coffee from a revelation about the nature of man and negativity,
Seperis
PS: Today in Lowered Expectations I am setting us all a goal we can easily, easily accomplish. This will set the stage for the day that false confidence will lead us to fail, but that day is not today.
Your task: avoid telling anyone they smell like cheese.
Good luck! *fistbump*
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From:Must I? What if it's Taco Day? What if their other job is Rat Catcher?
What if they've lined their undergarments with Muenster?
(The hell with them wearing the cheese. The cheese is definitely wearing them.)
I'm overthinking this, aren't I? Fisty just wants to punch someone, ya know?
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From:I love Stewart. *hearts*
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From:Cheese, specifically, I can do. Not telling one of the other PAs that he smells like a hobo or one of the producers that her perfume is eye-watering and nausea-inducing will be a bit more difficult.
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From:One should cease to apply smell'em-goods when they can be tasted.
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From:I'm afraid I'd give thing away with allergic wheezing and gasping; an allergy to roses and baby powder makes life difficult sometimes. :/
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From:Also, never mind people who smell like cheese, I just spent $5 on cheese that fills the inside of my fridge with what I can only describe as the finely-honed smell of farts on a bus. It's the gasoline edge that really makes it authentic. The label says it comes from goats, but I'm starting to get nervous about where exactly the goat got involved.
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From:This is why (http://www.cracked.com/article_14979_6-most-terrifying-foods-in-world.html) I never speculate about those kinds of questions. I am afraid to know.
...what kind of cheese?
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From:Why did I click? WHYYYYYY!?
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From:The second is why I'm clicking. It's led me to many an.... interesting (in the Chinese curse sort of interesting) paths.
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whimper
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From:Whew...I can probably handle that.
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From:I will just continue leaving anonymous post-it's on random co-workers computer monitors saying things like "I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!!!" and watch in barely concealed glee while they look around in confusion.
It's all about the little things, y'know?
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From:BUT I LOVE YOU
Also, it's a good thing no one leaves post it notes like that on my computer monitor. I would be *crushed*.
And then possibly redecorate my area to display the clarity of my commitment.
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From:This? is called the Power of Positive Restraint. Every time I succeed in managing not to respond to asshatery with a reminder that I have access to large amounts of powerfull sedatives and am not afraid to use them, I get a cookie!
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From:We shall see how it goes.
ETA: no one smelled like cheese on the bus. HOWEVER, I had to restrain myself from thumping riotous med students who think they are HILARIOUS and also the first people EVER to do MANY THINGS....like get up early, study, interact with other people in a professional manner...(am not sure about the last part)
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From:Ok, I'm grasping at straws, I should face the fact I couldn't even meet these expectations today, sigh.
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From:We're keeping it real here. And accomplishable.
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From:I will endeavor to do my very best. No promises though.
Re: positive thinking people: my usual method is to tell people to go be positive somewhere else, they're ruining my soothing pessimistic vibe.
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From:cheese I can do - as long as I can continue to comment on stinky perfume and other overwhelming aromas, I'm ok with this.
why don't I have a cheese icon?
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From:This makes me feel so much better. I mean, amazingly better.
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From:ILU, by the way.
PS: do you need better coffee? If you have a P.O.box, and you say what type of coffee you like, people could send you some? **random neuron fire of crazy**
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From:Concurrently with the above, I sent my brother a t-shirt for his birthday (also late) with the same phrase. They crossed paths somewhere in the postal service. We are indeed related.
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