seperis | i can't prove there was a flying saucer involved

My nephew and sister were released yesterday.

Here's the thing about me and newborns, and I extend this opinion to my own--newborns are hideous.

Many moons ago, though the memory is pretty much never going to fade no matter how hard I try, I was presented with the fruits of my labor, which I will never discuss because the humiliation level was so catastrophic I cannot deal with it. The doctor held up my son, luckly nowhere near the mirror I was supposed to use so I could watch the miracle of birth (these people were nuts), and I stared at him and thought, dear God.

Verbatim: "Is his head going to stay like that?"

(It didn't. Eventually it took on a normal shape, but I was wary for a while. I'd seen this movie. It did not end well. I think the aliens won.)

Because at that point, I didn't think I could deal. It was the night after X-Files (either Never Again or the one directly before--very important TV) and I was still worried about Scully. I was also fairly stoned between whatever they gave me in the IV as I was apparently Not a Very Calm Patient and traumatized by the verbal narration of what was going on during labor (again, these people were nuts) and the endorphin rush of realizing I got to have all the coffee I wanted, along with blessed, blessed hydrocodone in quantities that still give me pleasant memories.

So I was basically having some vague alien-related flashbacks and thinking of Coneheads and you get I was stoned, right? Right. Very terrifying. But honest.

Newborns? Not pretty.

Fastforward to 2008.

I mean, I say this in a loving and finding it charming way, but there's just no way around the fact they simply do not look human. My Nephew (currently nicknamed Littlest Alien Overlord) is marvelous in every way, but I keep looking into his eyes and thinking, this is what X-Files warned me about. Also, he studies things. I mean, a lot. I am sure there is some really reasonable reason why he stares at everything (everything), struggles to walk (I am not freaking joking, the little legs got leverage on my sister's stomach and lifted his rear up right there and looks at us all with vague disappointment, like he was sure humans were far more interesting than we turned out to be. I hate to tell him, we are not. Conquest, LAO, will not be a challenge.

Luckily, as his aunt, I will be spared during the invasion. Pretty sure. Almost sure.

I, for one, welcome our alien overlords.

I've been trying to hint that I'll be on his side as long as I get to survive unprobed and whatnot.

Littlest Alien Overlord.

*snicker*

Not that I'm doubting his powers, really. It's just the name :)

*G* He's so tiny! Yet the waves of alien consciousness flow large and scary.

Yes I so agree! They're just ugly. At least I think so. But thankfully they grow up to be cute.

God yes. When they get, you know, a little fat on them and look less--newborny.

(no subject)

From:

ifeedformula.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 12:48 pm (UTC) - expand

the endorphin rush of realizing I got to have all the coffee I wanted, along with blessed, blessed hydrocodone in quantities that still give me pleasant memories.

So I was basically having some vague alien-related flashbacks and thinking of Coneheads and you get I was stoned, right? Right. Very terrifying. But honest.

Newborns? Not pretty.

::chokes, is laughing so hard::

a) True. b) You're doing a fine job softening us up until he grasps the reins of his Alien Overlordliness. That should spare you. Or at least warrant posthumous deification.

I'm hoping to escape the probing part of invasion. Maybe he'll give me warning so I can start building a fallout shelter or something.

*sporfle*

Though really the head thing isn't their fault, I mean, as I understand it it just doesn't fit without being weirdly squished, no? And lots of newborn mammals are ugly and not looking like their species at first. Like all those that come blind and without fur at first. Newborn rats look like giant maggot things, and the baby rats only get cute a bit later when they have fur and open eyes. Human babies just need a similar period, and really it could be worse.

Sadly, true. Actually, in LAO's case, he was c-sectioned, but only after the doctor decided regular birth wasn't going to work due to my sister being small and how large his head was. Later, they also foudn out the cord was getting wrapped around his neck. It wasn't dangerous at the time, but they're kind of glad they went that way. So his head was--well, oddly shaped. *G*

i dont think you will be spared once he reads this. lol.

but you so speak the truth. i have a god daughter who i adore to pieces but omg when she was born :D its good to know i am not alone in my bad thoughts.

also can i say 1) omg your doctors were obviously completely nuts (or had been into the good drugs themselves) and 2) how much do i love that coneheads was one of the first things you thought of after the miracle of birth :D

My doctor was freaking evil. He narrated everything and I mean everything, right up to the part involving sutures that I cannot deal with on any rational level except he was freaking lucky I was so tired I couldn't get my feet out of the stirrups or so much head kicking.

Child's head was, seriously, shaped like a cone. It was utterly unreal. I just stared at him thinking, will I have to sew him hats? I can't sew.

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From:

liamar13.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 01:41 pm (UTC) - expand

:leans against you:: God, I love you. ::giggles weakly, because I've been laughing like a fiend::

I had a friend whose first baby stayed pointy-headed for a looooooong time. They put him in little hats.

*pets your hair*

Hats save everything. Child had several, but they just, you know, cupped the point. And even though I *knew* that would fix itself, I just used to marvel how anyone's head could *do that*.

LAO's head? Very much the shape of a pineapple crossed to a little grey man. It's awesome. And you know, terrifying for our future.

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From:

beadattitude.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 08:08 am (UTC) - expand

You're not gonna believe me, but my friend's daughter was actually cute as a newborn. I couldn't believe it myself!

That's...a sign of something. The apocalypse, maybe.

*awed*

Someone finally said it!! Abso-friggin-lutely.

Also? Which I will never discuss because the humiliation level was so catastrophic I cannot deal with it. You mean it's not all beauftiful and wonderful and you forget the horrible parts? I KNEW my mother was lying.

*grimly* THE BEAUTY OF BIRTH IS THE DRUGS. How people do not see this I have no idea.

The thing is, babies born via c-section do not have that weird head thing....so they do have a higher level of prettiness, but they still look a little funky till they gain a little weight and figure out how to straighten their limbs and stuff.

*hee* Funny thing, he *was* born c-sectioned, because my sister was so small he couldn't quite get through the birth canal. So it was like, worst of both worlds.

Heh. No, they are not cute when they are still all squished around the head! Or coneheaded from having suction cups attached.

But it could be worse - babies with foetal alcohol syndrome are really ugly, poor wee things.

What I find amusing is how many babies end up with flat heads because people always put them lying on their backs - that one can take years to go normal-shaped!

That's what the helmets are for. I used to work at a local mall and I would see SO many kids with these helmet things on their heads. One day I got up the nerve to ask a mom why her son had a helmet on. She told me it was to prevent him from having a misshapen head..he had to wear it 23 hrs a day until such time as the dr determined his head was more or less perfectly formed. O.O

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From:

janne-d.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 01:40 pm (UTC) - expand

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From:

deadlychameleon.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 02:40 pm (UTC) - expand

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From:

ifeedformula.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 11:09 pm (UTC) - expand

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From:

seperis.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-14 04:16 am (UTC) - expand

ROTFLMAO

I remember when I had delivered Superguy, the OB comes to me and says, "Now don't be alarmed, but he's got six digits on one hand." My immediate response in my drugged out state? "OH COOL!" immediately followed by "YEAH THAT"S RIGHT GET PISSED! GET PISSED!" because I could hear him screaming from the ministrations of the nurses trying to clean his ass off.

I was also (to my MIL's shock)perversely proud of the fact that when they took him to the nursery for a proper cleaning off, he peed on one of the nurses. I was like, "Oh yeah..das mah boy!". XD

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!

My mother was apparently also very proud of me because I started screaming when just my head was born. *g*

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From:

seperis.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-14 04:17 am (UTC) - expand

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From:

ifeedformula.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-14 08:07 am (UTC) - expand

Yeah, newborns are pretty freaky looking. I'm glad your sister and new nephew are doing OK.

Luckily, as his aunt, I will be spared during the invasion. Pretty sure. Almost sure.

Eh, he'll have to take on my nephew's World Conquering Robots. (Seriously—he's studying robotics at Kettering University. It's just a matter of time.)

*grins* Robots == so much awesome.

Haha, I thought it was just me! Thoughts during Friday's SGA went something like this: "awww yay baby baby baby EW EW NO DON'T TOUCH IT SLIMY EW" because yes, am really creeped out by newborns, even on TV when they're not really newborns and are therefore fairly normal-looking.

Actually, I'm in this phase where pregnancy creeps me out in general. IT'S A PERSON GROWING INSIDE OF ANOTHER PERSON. WHAT PART OF THIS IS NOT CREEPY. I HAVE SEEN TOO MANY MOVIES FOR THIS TO SEEM BEAUTIFUL, MIRACULOUS, ETC.

My sisters liekd pregnancy. I did not. It's--that. With teh growth. And the moving. And the--yes. That.

*shivers*

See. This is where my junior high health teacher totally wins. She warned us about the cone heads. Apparently, her first son was totally coneheaded, and the docs teased her. They were all like "oh, he'll probably grow out of it by the time he's 18". *snickers* Evil doctors. She also warned us that baby boys can um, get erections in response to random stimuli, and gave us a rundown of a diaper change when her son was like, 3 days old, and calling in all the family and laughing. Man. Perfect story to tell a prom date.

Ah, randomly, as a function of my neuroscience classes, I can tell you that the walking thing is a spinal reflex. If you were to hold the Alien Overlord over a treadmill so his legs just barely touched (which you probably shouldn't, there's got to be ways that's just not safe for tiny toes), theoretically, they should start moving in a walking motion.

We known that the spinal cord contains all of the neuronal circuits needed to produce coordinated walking and that the brain activates these spinal motor centres. Once activated, the spinal cord produces the detailed pattern of muscle activation occurring during walking and other rhythmic motor activities.
http://www.umanitoba.ca/faculties/medicine/physiology/contacts/mccrea.html

Okay, now *that* is cool, though now Child wants to test LAO with a treadmill.

This can only end in disaster.

THANK YOU. This whole 'oh he is soooo cute!' just makes me suspect that the person in question has been possessed by who the hell knows what. Newborn colts? ALSO FUNNY LOOKING. Sheesh. They've been smushed up in a wee tiny ball and then forced out through a tube, and they look like it.

YES! EXACTLY! They need time to stretch out and stop looking terrifying.

Yes, oh God, yes. They are aliens. Aliens who won't yet you sleep, no matter how much you beg.

Give me a school age child over a newborn any day.

Amen.

"Also, he studies things. I mean, a lot. I am sure there is some really reasonable reason why he stares at everything (everything), struggles to walk (I am not freaking joking, the little legs got leverage on my sister's stomach and lifted his rear up right there and looks at us all with vague disappointment, like he was sure humans were far more interesting than we turned out to be."

LMAO. I'm sure he's plotting some retaliatory action to get over the disappointment.

I am terrified that this is true. He just--has that look.

There was an ad on TV recently where they showed a "newborn" perfectly normal-looking, smiling and giggling. I sat up as best I could with a cranky two-month-old in my lap, freed one hand to point accusingly at the TV, and said LIES. It made me bitter every time it aired.

Such lies. HUGE LIES. BIG LIES.

Yeah... definitely... the newborn embryonic aliens from inner space take some getting used to... and I've always considered that those amazing hormones that take over really are miraculous because I suspect new parents would take one look and go, oh Hell No... and walk off... and that woulda been the end of the human race a really long time ago...

That said? ... I was totally blown away by that immediate ~connection~ I had with my newborn, the universe and creation in general... and I wasn't even on drugs...

Fortunately that feeling passed =p

*thoughtful* I was connected with the post-partum drugs in a huge way. I mean, they made me happy. Eventually, I remembered Child and would think, huh. There is a baby. The baby responsible for the drugs.

Man, I was talking about this with my mom the other day, and she said "You were such a beautiful baby!"

And I'm like "There are pictures. I've seen them. I looked like a skinned ham."

Newborns are both hideous and cute! This was something we studied in art class: the concept of "appeal", which has nothing to do with the concept of beauty.

(no subject)

From:

brownbetty - Date: 2008-07-14 04:08 am (UTC) - expand

(no subject)

From:

seperis.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-14 04:40 am (UTC) - expand

y simply do not look human. My Nephew (currently nicknamed Littlest Alien Overlord) is marvelous in every way, but I keep looking into his eyes and thinking, this is what X-Files warned me about. Also, he studies things. I mean, a lot.
See, this is one of the reasons why babies kind of freak me out. I know that they're studying everything because the world is a new, scary, fascinating place they need to learn how to interact with, but . . . it makes it no less unnerving to have a small baby just staring intently at you for minutes at a time. Though when you can get them to imitate your strange faces, that's kind of fun.

My baby niece is just getting there. Mostly seh's at teh huge smile and laugh at funny faces, which is deeply awesome.

I laughed at this, but what should worry you is the way they look like they are all communicating with each other when they are asleep and their mouths move like they are talking to someone.

...I've had my suspicions on that mouth movement.

They look weird and squishy-faced. OTOH, Caesarean babies are a whole different kind of weird - they look like Pumpkinheads *hides behind sofa*

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