(no subject)

I really, really wanted that job.

It's not like it's just hitting me now--more that I'm not repressing the bitterness anymore and doing that finding-yourself and being honest with yourself thing, which is, by the way, so completely overrated you have no idea. I have never ever believed there was a *good* reason to be honest with yourself outside of mealtimes, because lying to yourself about liking liver? Not-fun masochism.

But I wanted it. And they're hiring for it in Houston, and I actually took an hour today to try to figure out if moving to Houston would be such a bad idea. You know, if I discount the sheer amount of *work* required to do it. And money. And time. And moving far, far away from my entire family, friends, and life, not to mention uprooting Child in a huge way. And finding an apartment, getting electricity, phone, and water, looking for schools for Child, as well as afterschool care--it boggles the mind. That doesn't even include furniture.

Visions of Child with his bedroom all fixed and me on the floor of my room with my computer and a cup of soup, no silverware...I mean, it's kind of romanticish. If I were insane. Really, really insane.

I could be Restless.

It hits every so often--I was non-stop like this through most of my teens, and nothing, I repeat, nothing, even crossing half the world for a semester, every really abated it. Even appeased it. Just this--frantic, weird need to *move* and *do*, and man, does this explain eighteen-to-twenty in a huge, huge way. It's not like it was then--it's easier to control and ignore, and I'm even considering the heresy of investing in real estate of my very, very own One Day Soon, but the kicker is, I never get around to actually looking, because the very concept of permanency just scares me to death.

So I'm a commitment-phobe. Well, isn't that a surprise. I can't even decide on a permanent haircolor, fragrance, or clothing style, so it's not like epiphany day in jennland or anything. I sometimes think I got *really* lucky in having Child when I did, because honest to God, I would probably have talked my way in circles about the Permanency of Motherhood and dithered my way past my biological clock with the way I overthink things.

Different thing from Routine. I *like* routine. Because in theory, I can end it whenever I want.

However, I decided today that this entire What am I becoming/am/have done? thing is waiting until my birthday, at which time I will invest in something well proofed and mixable, get quietly drunk on a worknight, and *then* make some life-changing decisions. So I have a month to ignore it and ignore it I shall. Aggressively.

But I wanted that job. And I *still* want it, and I'll want it two weeks from now and two months from now and I'll probably apply again and I'm not sure I can handle double rejection with anything like calm.

Comments

[out-there.livejournal.com]

Aw. *hugs Jenn*

[suzvoy.livejournal.com]

:-/ *hugs*

[rageprufrock.livejournal.com]

*hug* I'm sorry baby.

Er. As a happy surprise?

"This, Too" is done.

*thud*

[altricial.livejournal.com]

Commitment phobes are cool and exciting. *hugshugshugs*

[lattara.livejournal.com]

::hugs Jenn::

I have some spare calm. Would you like to borrow it?

[vickita.livejournal.com]

Hang in there. It sounds to me like you're digging into some good stuff. Go, you!

[cjandre.livejournal.com]

It's sucks knowing what you want and having to wait to get it. I say 'wait' because I am sure you WIL get that job later, assuming you still want it.

But that doesn't make things better now, does it?

*hugs*

[fyrdrakken]

I think you're right on the bit about being grateful you had your son when you did because yeah, right now I'm in, "Where am I going and what do I really want to do with my life?" mode, with the additional nagging complaints of no SO and that cliched ticking clock and knowing that the odds are way, way down for women who go to college and have careers first ever having children at all...