seperis | if you can parse this better, i dare you to try

So iPhone 4 reception has been a problem for some iPhone users, and it was speculated the culprit seemed to be the design of the phone, specifically the antenna, which was potentially compressed/blocked/sent to another dimension/killed self when users held the phone a certain way. This 'way' is unclear, but might involve using one's hand wrapped around it while holding it to one's ear. IDK, I use mine (Android phone) for sudoku, texting, gmail, and emailing pictures to people, so I can see why this would be bewildering, because apparently, people were holding the iPhone like a phone.

Weird.

Finally, after complaints came in, Apple created a script for tech support that needs to be read to be believed, and finally there came Apple's Open Letter, which addressed the pressing problem of--wait, let me read this again, just a sec--right. The pressing problem of too many bars. Oh, and the antenna is fine; users are still holding it wrong.

Now would I joke about this?

Apple `stunned' to find iPhones show too many bars

Apple Inc. said Friday that it was "stunned" to find that its iPhones have for years been using a "totally wrong" formula to determine how many bars of signal strength they are getting.

Apple said that's the reason behind widespread complaints from users that the latest model, iPhone 4, can show a sudden plunge in signal strength when they hold it in a way that covers a small black strip on one edge of the phone. Users online have jokingly called this the "death grip" for the phone.

Wall Street Journal parses the open letter from Apple to iPhone 4 users here.

....so I'm trying to find a unique way to comment on this one since everyone else is doing it and hey, this letter kind of begs for it, but when the Wall Street Journal shows a sense of humor, well, who can compete with that?

I'm just saying, here's what I'm getting from the letter:

1.) we are awesome.
2.) you're holding it wrong.
3.) you're holding other phones wrong too.
4.) so it's not the antenna design.
5.) your signal has always been shitty because our program to calculate signal strength has been doing it wrong.
6.) your perception of reality is doing it wrong. you weren't 'losing' a signal. it was never there at all. if it wasn't there, how could you lose it?
7.) our software will fix this and now you'll know for sure just how bad your reception is
8.) so it's really not the antenna design.
9.) this is our best wireless coverage ever!

Or one sentence: users are holding it wrong while hallucinating.

...okay. So. That was--something, wasn't it?

ETA: Class Action Lawsuit regarding iPhone antenna design. Huh.

Quotes

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. -- Unknown, on feedback
BTS List
That's why he goes bad, you know -- all the good people hit him on the head or try to shoot him and constantly mistrust him, while there's this vast cohort of minions saying, We wouldn't hurt you, Lex, and we'll give you power and greatness and oh so much sex...
Wow. That was scary. Lex is like Jesus in the desert.
-- pricklyelf, on why Lex goes bad
LJ
Obi-Wan has a sort of desperate, pathetic patience in this movie. You can just see it in his eyes: "My padawan is a psychopath, and no one will believe me; I'm barely keeping him under control and expect to wake up any night now to find him standing over my bed with a knife!"
-- Teague, reviewing "Star Wars: Attack of the Clones"
LJ
Beth: god, why do i have so many beads?
Jenn: Because you are an addict.
Jenn: There are twelve step programs for this.
Beth: i dunno they'd work, might have to go straight for the electroshock.
Jenn: I'm not sure that helps with bead addiction.
Beth: i was thinking more to demagnitize my credit card.
-- hwmitzy and seperis, on bead addiction
AIM, 12/24/2003
I could rape a goat and it will DIE PRETTIER than they write.
-- anonymous, on terrible writing
AIM, 2/17/2004
In medical billing there is a diagnosis code for someone who commits suicide by sea anenemoe.
-- silverkyst, on wtf
AIM, 3/25/2004
Anonymous: sorry. i just wanted to tell you how much i liked you. i'd like to take this to a higher level if you're willing
Eleveninches: By higher level I hope you mean email.
-- eleveninches and anonymous, on things that are disturbing
LJ, 4/2/2004
silverkyst: I need to not be taking molecular genetics.
silverkyst: though, as a sidenote, I did learn how to eviscerate a fruit fly larvae by pulling it's mouth out by it's mouthparts today.
silverkyst: I'm just nowhere near competent in the subject material to be taking it.
Jenn: I'd like to thank you for that image.
-- silverkyst and seperis, on more wtf
AIM, 1/25/2005
You know, if obi-wan had just disciplined the boy *properly* we wouldn't be having these problems. Can't you just see yoda? "Take him in hand, you must. The true Force, you must show him."
-- Issaro, on spanking Anakin in his formative years
LJ, 3/15/2005
Aside from the fact that one person should never go near another with a penis, a bottle of body wash, and a hopeful expression...
-- Summerfling, on shower sex
LJ, 7/22/2005
It's weird, after you get used to the affection you get from a rabbit, it's like any other BDSM relationship. Only without the sex and hot chicks in leather corsets wielding floggers. You'll grow to like it.
-- revelininsanity, on my relationship with my rabbit
LJ, 2/7/2006
Smudged upon the near horizon, lapine shadows in the mist. Like a doomsday vision from Watership Down, the bunny intervention approaches.
-- cpt_untouchable, on my addition of The Fourth Bunny
LJ, 4/13/2006
Rule 3. Chemistry is kind of like bondage. Some people like it, some people like reading about or watching other people doing it, and a large number of people's reaction to actually doing the serious stuff is to recoil in horror.
-- deadlychameleon, on class
LJ, 9/1/2007
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Fan Fiction is John Cusack standing outside your house with a boombox.
-- JRDSkinner, on fanfiction
Twitter
I will unashamedly and unapologetically celebrate the joy and the warmth and the creativity of a community of people sharing something positive and beautiful and connective and if you don’t like it you are most welcome to very fuck off.
-- Michael Sheen, on Good Omens fanfic
Twitter, 6/19/2019
Adding for Mastodon.
-- Jenn, traceback
Fosstodon, 11/6/2022

if you can parse this better, i dare you to try

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