turkey trips

I can safely say now that I will probably never do this again.

My father ended up washing the turkey while I mixed and melted the herbed butter of doom, smelling so strongly of sage that I learned the true meaning of ewww, and I like sage, so what does that tell you? Fifteen minutes later, Dad's making growly noises, and lo, the reason that fresh rosemary is preferred is, apparently, the dried stuff does *not come off*. It catches in weird flaps of skin and hides in body cavities, so I imitate an airport security guard and have to go prospecting. I wish I could say this has taught me the value of my food or that I'm learning some Important Life Lesson, but mostly, I'm learning I hate rosemary with a passion I can't even explain. Because I put half a cup in that brine and it seems as if *every bit* stuck to teh turkey. And even under extreme temperature duress, is not coming off.

Mixed up my apricot glaze (to be used in the last thirty minutes of roasting) and am currently basting my turkey like a California tanner. I'm paranoid about a dry turkey. I like turkey a lot, my preferred sandwich of choice, but lets' face it, this meat is dry under the best conditions, so I'm not encouraign the Sahara to camp out during dinner. Every time I walk into the kitchen, I baste frantically, staring at the skin pulling away from the breast with dread and whimpering the browner it turns.

I don't know at what point my sense of worth as a human being got caught up with whether or not the breast is cooking too fast and the meat too dry, but when it leads to me on my knees with a full stick of butter, panicked, frenetically rubbing it all over every visible signs of flesh hoping for a moisture miracle--well. It can only go downhill from there.

I think the worst moment was stuffing onion into the body cavity and not even once sniggering to myself. How depressing. Even my inappropriate and disgusting sexual innuendo is failing me. Woe.

Um, so. My thought. At the end of the day--or tomorrow, if you're willilng--everyone who went through the trauma of brining put up their recipes (and explain the process if it's more than toss, mix, toss, mix, drop turkey, put somewhere) here or in your LJ, or whatever you did to make a turkey that woulnd't instantly remind you of someone who spent serious time wandering the desert. I'm curious. Hell, if you made a dish, tell me aboaut it. I'm still blessing my friendslist for all those cookie recipes I solicited a year or two ago--and speaking of that, I should put that up in my memories, cause those cherry things kick *ass*.

Oh, and because I couldn't do a decent sexual turkey innuendo here--God help me--a rec.

Line of Fire by thepouncer - gen Rodney fic, early first season. It's been open since she posted, but I--er, got turkey-distracted, and so. Pouncer does some fantastic plotty things in here in going through Rodney developing into a member of the team. It's an excellent look into Rodney's head.

Wins for Best Motivational Speech Ever:

Sweat dripping down to blur his vision, lungs heaving, Rodney stopped. “Enough, I’m dying here.”

“McKay.” Sheppard sounded like he’d honed his vocal cords with a sharpening stone. “It’s been five minutes. Come on. Keep going.”

“I can’t go on.” Couldn’t Sheppard hear it in the wheeze of his voice? “Leave me.”

Sheppard sighed. “I’d hoped I wouldn’t have to do this.” He reached up to his radio headset and tapped the button to activate it. “Lt. Ford? Plan Delta.”

Rodney heard a regular pounding approaching from around the corner. He turned his head in time to see Ford appear, a long object in his hands. A long object he raised to chest level and oh my God that was a Wraith stunner. Rodney yelped and threw himself forward, just ahead of an energy bolt.

So John's speeches are kind of physical. *g* I love how *innovative* the SG boys are, don't you?

Yeah. Read that. Big fun.

Comments

[chopchica.livejournal.com]

Happy Thanksgiving, hon!b

[isilya]

It would be *extremely* difficult to dry out a turkey that's been brined, in my experience.

[sharp-tongue.livejournal.com]

I am nearly the world's worst cook ever and yet even I can make a moist turkey. The secret? A special plastic bag. Reynolds sells them as "Oven Bags - Turkey Sized."

Put turkey in bag. Close bag. Put turky in bag in oven. Cook. Open bag. Mmm...

[deadlychameleon.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it too much. It's been butter injected, and salt soaked.
Also? I LOVE Rosemary in roasted meat. But yeah, the fresh kind is much easier to work with. Mmmm.

[luthorienne.livejournal.com]

Fresh herbs are always better than dried, if you can get them. But I'm from Canada, and I know they're not always to be had.

There are several ways to ensure your turkey doesn't dry out: you can leave the lid on the roaster; you can cook the turkey in a big bag, as a previous poster suggests; you can insinuate some stuffing between the breast and the skin; or you can lay strips of bacon over the breast (which I always find uncomfortably greasy). As a person notorious for cooking a turkey until it falls right off the carcass, I have found it necessary to try all of the above, and have found that leaving the lid on the roaster is the easiest and least intrusive way of achieving moist, flavourful turkey breast. Okay, it doesn't brown as pretty. But unless you're carving it right at the table, who cares? And you can't carve mine at the table (or hardly at all, really), because it usually collapses into a savoury heap of bones and meat as it comes out of said roaster.

[thepouncer.livejournal.com]

My family roasts a turkey very basically, with just broth and pepper. I think the secret is not to overbake the bird.

And thank you for the rec! I'm glad you enjoyed the story - I had a blast writing it *g*

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

Here are my recipes (http://www.livejournal.com/users/mecurtin/281363.html).

[terpsichoreslyr.livejournal.com]

My turkey recipe: (my turkey was juicy and delicious with no basting. Basting is evil and makes me hot and annoyed.) This is really easy. The brine takes 10 minutes max to make & there's no real molesting of the turkey.

*1 gallon apple cider *1 cup kosher salt *1 cup brown sugar
*black peppercorns (small palmful) *allspice berries (ditto)
*ginger (optional, but use fresh & peel a couple of 1 inch pieces)
*rosemary (FRESH) *onions *apples *oranges *garlic (6 cloves peeled)

Quarter one each onion, apple, & orange. Dump them & everything except salt, sugar & rosemary in a bowl. Add one cup of water. Microwave for 5 minutes. While that's doing it's thing, bring another 2 cups of water to a boil & disolve salt & sugar. Dump disolved salt/sugar mix into stock pot & add water from the microwaved stuff. Dump in gallon of apple cider & a handful of ice if it's still warm. Stuff everything else you just microwaved into turkey cavity (after you've removed giblets and neck), add 4* sprigs of rosemary and lower into brine (if necessary, add water until turkey is covered). Put the top on the stock pot & weigh down the top so the turkey doesn't float. Put pot into fridge if you have room, if not, set pot into an ice chest & pack ice around. Let turkey brine overnight. Heat oven to 500. Discard brine & contents of cavity & rinse turkey inside and out. Quarter another onion, apple & orange & stuff them with 4 more sprigs of rosemary into the cavity. Pour 2 cups of water into bottom of roasting pan. Put turkey on rack and tuck wings back. Coat hands with olive oil and rub all over the turkey, be sure to coat breast well. Cook uncovered for 30 minutes. Lower heat to 350 and cover breast with double layer of heavy duty aluminium foil.

For a 16 lb turkey I cooked it 2 more hours after the first 30 minutes. As long as the juices run clear when you cut into the leg at the joint, you're ok. Let it rest for 20 to 30 minutes before carving.

[isilya]

Thank you for this! I want to try this for Christmas!

[terpsichoreslyr.livejournal.com]

Let me know how it turns out. Mine was so good. The skin may be a little darker than you're used to but we don't carve at the table so we don't worry about it.

[vylit.livejournal.com]

but when it leads to me on my knees with a full stick of butter, panicked, frenetically rubbing it all over every visible signs of flesh hoping for a moisture miracle--well. It can only go downhill from there.

I know this is a possibly painful experience for you, BUT OMG, I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING AT YOUR DESCRIPTIONS.

[goosegirl9.livejournal.com]

I read earlier that your turkey was a success.

Mmm, I don't know if you've ever tried it, but deep fat fried turkey is incredibly moist, and I swear, not greasy at all, not one little bit. Best of all, you pay someone to do it for you. When I first heard of that, I thought, yeah, Alabamians will fry anything, even *cheese*. But truly, it is good and not greasy, just moist.